Monthly Archives: September 2017

This Week’s Stupid 1-Star Review is from Kai

As you well know, I quite enjoy finding stupid 1-star reviews on Yelp or Facebook and using those reviews as teaching opportunities*. Today’s teachable moment comes from a diner named Kai who went to dine at a Cheesecake Factory on the island of O’ahu in Hawaii. It seems that the restaurant was newly opened so according to most reviews, the, lines were long and the wait times were longer. This is to be expected when a brand new chain restaurant opens, as the staff irons out the kinks and customers clamor to to see what all the fuss is about. Kai wasn’t upset with the wait times or the food or even the service. The thing that crawled up inside her pineapple hole had more to do with other customers:

Just ate at Cheesecake Factory Kapolei and was enjoying our 1st experience until a large table of bratty kids were seated next to us, they were so loud and annoying and a little out of control. So much for a nice enjoyable meal! Asked the waitress if we could get a free cheesecake because of the annoyance, and she sent a manager who did absolutely nothing to make up for our dissatisfaction except offer to move us, as we were settling our bill. And that was it. So disappointed with the manager! I don’t think we’ll be going back for a while.

It seems that Kai didn’t enjoy sitting next to a table full of bratty kids. To that I say: who the fuck does, Kai? Yes, kids are miserable, rotten, loathsome, ghastly, detestable, horrendous, obnoxious, bothersome, aggravating, vexatious, repugnant, revolting assholes, but that doesn’t mean that everyone who has to sit next to one gets free cheesecake. There’s not enough cheesecake in the world for that to happen, Kai. Your balls must be bigger than a pair of coconuts to ask your server for free cheesecake for such a stupid reason. You can certainly ask to be moved or perhaps you can ask the parents of these children to stuff napkins into their mouths to make them quieter, but it’s not the responsibility of the waitress to bring you a plate of Toasted Marshmallow S’mores Galore™ cheesecake. I’m sure when you asked her for it, the waitress knew it wasn’t going to happen, but she wanted to let the manager give you the bad news. And although I wasn’t there, I can pretty much guarantee that this is how the manager responded to the request:

 

Listen, Kai. Sitting next to annoying people is kinda how it goes when you have dinner at The Cheesecake Factory. If you are determined to only eat in situations where you can be sure you won’t be near loud and annoying people, I would suggest you eat alone. You could certainly eat at home, but I don’t know your family and they may be worse than the kids you sat next to. Bottom line is this: just because you felt that the table next to you was too loud doesn’t entitle to you to free dessert and when a restaurant doesn’t bow to your wish of cheesecake ala gratis, that’s not a good enough reason to give them a 1-star review. You may have been disappointed with the manager, but my guess is that you fulfilled the stereotype of 90% of the customers he has to deal with and you didn’t disappoint him at all. It was just par for the course: somebody looking for an excuse to get free food from a chain restaurant. You say you don’t think you’ll be going back for a while, but I bet you will. You know you can’t wait to go back for that Famous Factory Meatloaf, White Chocolate Caramel Macadamia Nut Cheesecake and Diet Coke.

 

* I like to call ripping people apart on the Internet a “teaching opportunity.”

Read Kai B.‘s review of The Cheesecake Factory on Yelp

Pumpkin Spice is Now a Law and No One Knows About It

With autumn officially several days old, there is a new law that goes into effect on October 1, that many restaurants do not know about it and it could end up costing them money. Earlier this year, congress passed a new measure: House Bill 1001- Autumnal Gourd Spices:

A BILL to be entitled an Act to amend Part 74 of Article 2 of Chapter 17 of Title 5 of the Official Code of the United States of America Annotated, relating to autumnal gourds, most common of which to be pumpkin, and the spices that shall accompany such gourds. Effective 10/01/17, it will be required that every restaurant that serves food from a full kitchen has at least 8.8% of the menu reflecting “pumpkin spice” for the duration of the months of October and November. Failure to do so could result in fines with a maximum of $1500. Should a restaurant choose to be exempt from HB 1001, they will be required to file exemption form HB-1001/1.8 and submit said form by 9/15/17; to repeal conflicting laws; and for other purposes.

Essentially, the new measure will require every restaurant to have almost 10% of their menu be flavored with pumpkin spice. Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) sponsored the bill and it passed overwhelmingly in February. Says Hatch, “People love pumpkin spice. I love pumpkin spice. And I realized that not enough restaurants are fully embracing this autumn tradition. I am proud to have sponsored this bill and I think the American people will thank me for it.”

Although the bill passed with ease, many restaurant operators are not happy with the new law, especially small business owners. Jack Osgood Lanterne, owner of Jack of Hearts Diner in Price, Utah is none too pleased with his senator. “I am the owner and cook at my place. My menu is small and now I have to come up with a way to make 10% of the menu with pumpkin spice? It’s not fair. I don’t even like pumpkin spice. And then I have to print new menus for October and November too? It’s an added expense and I don’t see how the government can make me do that. I might just ignore the law and take my chances with a fine.”

However, plenty of consumers are thrilled about the news. Price, Utah resident Sandy Bottom says, “I can’t wait to go a restaurant in October and know that I will have at least a few pumpkin spice choices. I honestly wish the law went further and required it year round, but I’ll take what I can get. I ate a pumpkin spiced bologna sandwich last week and it blew my mind and I’m wearing pumpkin spice perfume right now so I love the new law. God bless, Orrin Hatch.”

Again, the new law goes into effect on Sunday, October 1, 2017. Any restaurant that does not have at least 8.8% of their menu with pumpkin spice and failed to submit an exemption form, must be prepared to pay the $1500 fine. One government official who agreed to speak under the condition of anonymity admitted that the likelihood of any restaurant being fined is very slim. “Honestly, we don’t have the resources to send investigators to every restaurant in the country to check on pumpkin spice menus. If a restaurant chooses to ignore the law, no one will probably know.”

That being said, the government has set up a web page to report any restaurant that is failing to comply with the law. Customers are encouraged to submit violations by clicking here.

To read the whole measure in its entirety, click here.

Woman Bitten By Snake at LongHorn Steakhouse

Well the big news of the week (other than major hurricanes, earthquakes and various natural disasters, North Korea inching closer to annihilating the rest of the world, President Trump going to battle with the NFL, and the national healthcare debate) is that a woman went to LongHorn Steak House in Spotsylvania, Virginia and got bitten by a copperhead snake. For those of you who didn’t grow up in the country like I did, those snakes are venomous. Growing up in Texas, I can’t tell you how many copperheads I beheaded. Once, I found myself standing on one and for some reason it chose not to bite me. It probably sensed that I was going to taste bitter.

Anyhoo, Rachel Myrick went to LongHorn Steakhouse with her son, boyfriend, and a group of friends when she was bitten by the bitch ass snake as soon as she went onto the restaurant. At first, she thought it was a bee sting, but when she looked down, she saw an 8” snake hanging off her toe.

“I freaked out,” said Myrick. “I got bit! I got bit!”

Her son and boyfriend stomped on the snake to kill it because I guess they didn’t have a hoe around to chop that head off. As she waited for an ambulance, the rest of the party went on in to eat because I guess Roasted White Cheddar Stuffed Mushrooms were more important than their friend who might be dying from a snake bite any minute.

“Oh my god! Rachel just got bit by a snake- hey, look Firecracker Chicken Wraps! Who wants to split that with me?”

A LongHorn spokesman Hunter Robinson who sounds like he used to be on CBS’s Falcon Crest in 1982, said that the restaurant chain’s primary concern is for Myrick’s well-being, and wants to provide any assistance that it can. To their credit, they did comp the meal.

“This was a highly unusual incident, and we are working with our facilities team to see how this may have occurred and we are taking steps to prevent it from happening again,” he said.

Hey, Hunter. I’ll tell you how it happened: a freaking snake just slithered its ass into the restaurant because it wanted a Steakhouse Bacon Cheeseburger. You can’t really control wildlife. If you want to prevent it from happening again, I would suggest a big sign that says “No Snakes Allowed.” That ought to do it. You also should totally supply every server with a hoe in case it happens again so snake beheading can become part of the sidework.

I already read a few comments from people saying that they won’t go to LongHorn anymore because of this incident.

Umm, Florence, you know that a snake can pretty much go where ever the hell it wants, right? The snakes aren’t Googling to see where the nearest LongHorn Steakhouse is. Live your life, girl. if you give in to the fear of snakes, the snakes win.

In closing, I couldn’t help but wonder what Samuel L. Jackson thought about this story since his infamous role in Snakes on a Plane. I reached out to him for a comment and he sent this video statement:

Is This Mommy Blogger Trying To Make Servers Hate Her?

I had never heard of MommyShorts.com until someone sent me the above photo, so I immediately put down my glass of Pinot Grigio to Google it. (I just got back from Italy, so wine is my current thing.) It’s no surprise that Mommy Shorts is a “mommy blog.” I swear to god, the only thing there are more of than insufferable children is blogs about them. I didn’t spend a lot of time on the blog because reading about a mom’s adventures with her two kids is about as interesting for me to read as this blog is for 99.99% of the world population. In other words, I get that mommy blogs are way more popular than ones where middle-aged men gripe about the state of their employment situation. However, if that’s your thing, you can check out the blog here or got to the Mommy Shorts Facebook page and tell them I said hello.

Anyhoo, the photo from Mommy Shorts rubs me wrong in very much the same way the collar of my polyester Black Eyed Pea uniform shirt used to. I get that it’s a tongue in cheek letter to her server, but the overall tone is slightly condescending:

Dear Server,

Hi. We don’t know each other. Yet. But my children will under both yours and my care for the next one to two hours.

How that goes is up to both of us.

I know I may seem like an asshole when I demand bread and water before I even sit down at the table, but everything I do and say from this point forward is strictly to ensure that we are in and out of here quickly and with as little ado as possible.

We are on the same team, you and I. Got it?

Okay.

Now take my order, get me some crayons and bring the check with the food.

Sincerely,
MOMMYSHORTS.com.

P.S. I have moved the cutlery and the candle intentionally. Please don’t move them back.

Okay, is it just me, or is that fucking letter ripe with pretension? I mean, come on! I took the liberty of correcting the letter for Miss Mommy Shorts so she can fully understand how truly shitty it was. I also went ahead and wrote a letter that I would like to give to her if she ever sits in my section:I realize that by posting this, I may have to face the wrath of thousands of mommy blog fans, but I’m ready. Hey, I have been on vacation for two weeks and I am ready to stir the fucking pot.

And by the way, if you want some more bitchy, you can buy my book by clicking here.

A Comment on Comments; the 22-Month-Old-Baby Edition

Last week, I wrote a blog post about a woman who was celebrating the 22-month anniversary of a baby clawing its way out of a vagina. It really pushed some buttons and touched some nerves and, for the life of me, I can’t imagine why. The post on the Facebook page had a reach of over 500,000 people so it clearly resonated for some. Most people could see the sense of humor but plenty of folks decidedly did not like what I was writing about. I need to make one thing clear: the server who received the note undoubtedly brought a “small cupcake or brownie” for the baby celebrating the non-birthday and then served it with a smile. That is what we do as servers. The entire point of this blog is to write about the things we wish we could say. It doesn’t mean we actually do the things I write about.

There were a lot of hateful comments directed ant me and other servers about what awful people we are and after reading about 700 hundred of them, it kinda got me all like:

But one comment in particular stood out. It came from Lauren:

Whomever wrote this is a huge douche who needs to get laid, go on vacation, and take a Xanax. Not specifically in that order. Get over yourself, honey. Your shitty job is to bring people whatever the fuck they want, and pretend you’re enjoying doing so. If you don’t like that, get an education and do something else.

Ouch, Lauren. You cut me to the quick, bitch. What you fail to realize is that 99.9% of the time we servers do bring people whatever the fuck they want and we pretend we are enjoying it. It’s just that I like to write about the other .01% of the time. And I am afraid you are wrong with your assumption that I am “huge douche.” At 5’9” and 141 pounds, I’d say I’m really more of a small or medium.

However, I think I shall take your unsolicited advice regarding getting laid, going on vacation and taking a Xanax. (Not necessarily in that order.) Effective today, I am on vacation for 12 days. This morning I went to CVS to pick up my prescription of Xanax. As soon as my husband and I land in Italy on Thursday morning, I will get to work on the “get laid” part. I don’t think it will be very difficult to achieve. Thanks for the great advice, Lauren. You’re the best.

 

Getting laid, going on vacation and taking Xanax!

Woman Under Mistaken Impression That Server Cares About 22-Month Old Baby

Look at this note that someone gave to their server because they thought that a 22-month old baby deserved some special attention from a restaurant. The note is ridiculous for so many reasons but let me just point out a few of them.

  • Who the fuck celebrates a 22-month anniversary of a birth? Just wait two more months and call it a second birthday. And why do parents feel the need to tell us the age of a baby in months? At what age does that officially stop? Just say he’s almost two, we’ll get it. (By the way, on September 29th, I’ll be 604 months old.)
  • I love how the person had to write it down on paper and pass it to the server as if someone at the table might have heard her say it out loud and then ruin the surprise for the baby.
  • Isn’t it adorable that she wants a “small” cupcake or brownie? Not a regular size cupcake or brownie that might be on the menu and therefore cost money, but one of the “small” cupcakes that every restaurant has hidden away in a back stock room just in case a 22-month old baby comes in to celebrate. Also, I have never worked in a restaurant that has cupcakes on the menu, small or otherwise. You’re not at a bakery, lady.
  • And are we pretending that an almost two-year-old is going to fully appreciate a candle on a cupcake? This baby doesn’t know what a birthday is and it’s NOT EVEN IT’S BIRTHDAY. It’s just some random fucking Tuesday with someone trying to add importance to it.
  • “He’s 22 months today” cracks me up because she feels the need to clarify that today is the day. As if celebrating 21 months and 29 days would just be stupid or something. I can just imagine how excited the staff was to gather around a baby to sing happy birthday to it and then realize in the middle of the song that it makes no sense, because it’s not a birthday.

Lady, the baby doesn’t give a shit about turning twenty-two months old and neither do we. Seriously, I could not give you any shit. Even if I had a huge bucket of shit, like one of those 5-gallon orange ones from Home Depot that was full of it, I still wouldn’t give it to you. I could be holding that big bucket of shit, straining every muscle in my body because a 5-gallon bucket of shit would be really, really heavy, and I still wouldn’t give it to you. That is how much of a shit I don’t give.

Get over yourself.