Enough already.
Waiter: Hello and welcome to Autumnal Harvest Dining. My name is Tim and I will be your server tonight.
Customer: Hi, Tim, thank you.
Waiter: May I start you off with something to drink while you look at our Harvest Menu?
Customer: Can I just have some water with lemon to start?
Waiter: I am sorry, but we don’t have any lemons right now. I would be happy to bring you a water with pumpkin wedge, would that be alright?
Customer: A pumpkin wedge? No, I don’t want a pumpkin wedge in my water.
Waiter: Very well, sir, but here at Autumnal Harvest Dining we welcome all things autumn. The first day of fall has arrived and this is our favorite time of the year. It’s when we get to wear our cozy sweaters and enjoy the flavors of autumn.
Customer: Yeah, just bring me some water, hold the pumpkin wedge.
Waiter: Yes sir, very well, sir, but may I please let you know of our specials tonight? Our chef has prepared some wonderful options.
Customer: Fine, yes.
Waiter: Our soup tonight is a cream of pumpkin soup garnished with toasted pumpkin seeds and served with a side of roasted pumpkin. We also have an appetizer salad of seasonal greens with a house-made pumpkin vinaigrette. We have two entrée specials tonight, the first being a vegetarian option: a pan-seared pumpkin filet smothered in pumpkin gravy and served with whipped pumpkin and a pickle.
Customer: A pickle?
Waiter: I’m sorry, did I say a pickle? I meant pumpkin. Our second entrée is southern fried chicken.
Customer: Oh, that sounds good, tell me about that.
Waiter: Well, the chicken is organic and free-range, having been raised on a pumpkin patch in Pennsylvania and humanely slaughtered by a farmer dressed as scarecrow. The chicken is soaked in a pumpkin beer for twelve hours and then dredged in our pumpkin flour before being fried in extra-virgin pumpkin oil. Served with sweet pumpkin fries and a pickle.
Customer: A pickle?
Waiter: Gosh, I meant pumpkin, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, my apologies.
Customer: Do you have anything that isn’t pumpkin?
Waiter: Sir, it is the first day of fall. We here at Autumnal Harvest Dining embrace all things seasonal, so why would we have anything that isn’t pumpkin?
Customer: Just because it’s fall doesn’t mean that every goddamn thing has to be fucking pumpkin-flavored.
Waiter: Yes, sir, you’re absolutely right. I’m going to go get you a pumpkin spiced latte.
Customer: I don’t want anything pumpkin! I demand to speak to a manager right this minute.
Waiter: Yes, sir. That would be Mr. O’Lantern. Unfortunately, Jack isn’t here right now. He’s apple picking this evening and then following that, he will be on a hay ride. Why don’t you calm down and let me get you a pumpkin spiced tea and some pumpkin chips and salsa. Or how about an order of pumpkin nachos? On the house?
Customer: I don’t want pumpkin!
Waiter: Not even our pumpkin lemonade? Or our pumpkin-spiced calamari?
Customer: You know what? Fuck you. Fuck you and fuck your pumpkin, alright?
Waiter: Sir, fucking my pumpkin is a very personal and intimate time for me and I usually prefer to do that in the privacy of my own home. However, to accommodate your somewhat voyeuristic needs, I will be happy to fuck a pumpkin for you. If you will excuse me, I just need to go to the kitchen to find the perfect pumpkin, hollow it out slightly but not too much so that it still feels good, carve a hole in it and pop it into the microwave for about thirty seconds. I shall return momentarily. I do like to practice safe sex while fucking my pumpkin and seeing that I was not planning on any pumpkin coitus this evening, I wonder if you might have a condom for me to use. A pumpkin-spiced condom would be ideal.
Customer: You’re sick, you know that? I’m outta here.
Waiter: Well, thank you for joining us at Autumnal Harvest Dining, sir and please enjoy your first day of fall. Do come again.
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Roseanna S. Bregon
Good article. I absolutely appreciate this site.
Keep writing!
Clemmie K. Reap
Howdy this is somewhat of off topic but I was wondering if blogs use WYSIWYG editors or if
you have to manually code with HTML. I’m starting a blog soon but
have no coding knowledge so I wanted to get guidance from someone with experience.
Any help would be enormously appreciated!
Celia Z. Seanez
The other day, while I was at work, my cousin stole my iPad and tested
to see if it can survive a 25 foot drop, just so she can be
a youtube sensation. My iPad is now destroyed and she has 83 views.
I know this is entirely off topic but I had to share it with someone!
biscuitboogie
That stinks, Celia….
Maybe a nice autumnal hot pumpkin chocolate would soothe your frazzled nerves……
sally
“I am sorry, but we don’t have any lemons right now. I would be happy to bring you a water with pumpkin wedge, would that be alright?”
OMG Bitchy too funny! You should apply for a job at SNL!
monica
laughing out loud at this fucking post
Ruff
Customer: Just because it’s fall doesn’t mean that every goddamn thing has to be fucking pumpkin-flavored.
No truer words have ever been spoken.
Mellie
It is insane, when I went to the store and saw Pumpkin Spice M&M’s yesterday I nearly lost it…yuk.
Sasha
I want to sample those. I like trying different novelties of M&M’s. There needs to be a freaking jar with an assortment of M&M’s like those jars of assorted mix gourmet jelly beans with at least 20 flavors.
Mellie
They are just OK, I’ll tell you what ones are just absolutely freaking gross, the birthday cakes ones…blech.
Sasha
Why yoga pants instead of pumpkin vines and leaves dress and pumpkin beret?
Anonymous
If you say “pumpkin spice latte” three times in a mirror, a white girl in yoga pants will appear and tell you all her favorite things about fall.
monica
lmao
“cold weather is amaaazing”
Anonymous
“Omigod I can wear my uggs again! Yaaaaay!”
Karma Girl
“Namaste, mother fucker. Now give me the damn latte!” …My white girl in yoga pants is experiencing menstrual cramps and caffeine withdrawal. It’s been a hard day for her.