Skipping the “Mandatory Meeting”

Mandatory meeting? Bitch, please.

Mandatory meeting? Bitch, please.

There is a mandatory meeting at my job today. It is happening at 4:00, an hour before my shift starts. I don’t want to go because in all my days I have found the mandatory meetings that happen in restaurants to be absolutely pointless. Sure, they let us punch in for the meeting, but for that extra five dollars, I’d just as soon sit at home and watch TV instead. I’d even watch Dr. Oz, that’s how much I don’t want to go to the meeting. In fact, I don’t want to go to the meeting so badly that I would even watch The Talk. Lucky for me, I have an excuse today to not go. It might not be the excuse that they want to hear, but it’s an excuse nonetheless.

Today I am doing a live podcast for Keith and the Girl and darn it all to heck, it’s happening at the same time as my mandatory meeting. I think the podcast should be a real hoot even though I have no idea what I am going to talk about for an hour. And since I am going to work right from it, I can’t be drinking while I do it. You can listen and watch it LIVE by clicking here at 2:00 EST today, September 18th.

Since I am going to be missing the meeting at work, I am going to just surmise what I think will be discussed since it’s always the same bullshit every fucking time.

  • Thank you for being here for this meeting and coming in either early for your shift or on your day off. To show you that we care, we are paying you each five whole dollars to be here. True, it costs $2.50 each way on the subway and it takes most of you an hour to get here and an hour to get home so you end up using three hours of your day just for this meeting. We were going to order pizza for you but decided it wasn’t worth it.
  • Please be on time for your shift. If your shift starts at 5:00, that means you need to be ready to work at 5:00, not punch in at 5:00 and then go change into your uniform and then eat your lunch. Get here early so you can be ready to begin working at the scheduled time of your shift, unless you are doing a live podcast for someone. In that case, just get here when you can.
  • Service must be our priority. We want to smother the guests with kindness and make sure we are anticipating their every need. We want them to leave and remember how great we treated them. If you can’t smother them with kindness, just do it with a pillow until they stop asking for shit. Whatever.
  • Cleanliness is of the utmost importance. We must keep the floors and surfaces clean. If you see something on the floor, please pick it up. Our guests don’t want to see napkins and food on the floor. Always make sure you pick up anything off the floor that should not be there, unless it’s a napkin that is really far under the table and the only way to get it is to move the table and/or crawl under it. Fuck it, it’s just a napkin, it ain’t gonna hurt anybody.
  • We want all of the staff to know that management and the owners truly care about you. You are very important to us and you are a vital part of what makes our establishment a success. Please know that even though we are tough on you, it is tough love and we only do it so we can all grow stronger and become a better team. We are a family. But when we say family, we mean like red-headed step-kids that we only pretend to love and if this was a fairy tale, we would lead you into the woods and hope that you would get eaten by a wolf or caught by a witch. You are replaceable and it is as simple as us putting an ad in craigslist.
  • Please do all of your sidework. The sidework list is here for a reason. By doing everything on it, it ensures that we are setting ourselves up for success. All of it is vital to a smooth operation. However, if you can figure out ways to make it look like you did the sidework without actually doing it, go right ahead. We will never know.
  •  We need to be respectful of each other. If you have a disagreement with someone that you are working with, please ask one of your team leaders to mediate the problem so it can be worked out. Respect is a very important part of any work environment so we ask that you please refrain from using vulgar language and bringing up conversations that should not be happening at work. Discussing sex, orgasms and and the pros and cons of swallowing is not appropriate for the workplace. Please save that information for  your blogs, Facebook, Twitter and Grinder.
  • Finally, we want to thank you for being here. We know that it’s a lot to ask of you to come in for these meetings an we think they are very helpful for us all.. Nothing we discussed today will make any significant changes in any way. We are simply doing this because we think we should. We care about the meetings even less than you do. See you in a month.

Seriously, I am missing my meeting today because I will be doing the LIVE podcast for Keith and the Girl. Watch it and listen by clicking the link at 2:00 EST today. I guarantee I will discuss the fact that I am there instead of the mandatory meeting.

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16 thoughts on “Skipping the “Mandatory Meeting”

  1. Joey B

    Mandatory bullshit . Been there done that …”go team”!!!! I’m always looking like I care about the new menu or new way to screw us but it’s just a hologram -no -I’m not there -& I always go :” What they just said?” To my coworker.I nod my head thru the whole ordeal …I coined a phrase -“Mandatory Meetings are just like rape -If u don’t wiggle & fight it will last shorter -just lay there and take it”

  2. Rosie

    I just wanted to say I heard you on KATG and you were an awesome guest. Loved you. You should think about doing your own podcast…. maybe one a week or monthly or just whenever. You give good … audio !

  3. noxious.sunshine

    Are y’all nuts? I was always already shmammered before dragging my happy ass in at 8 a.m. for a meeting. In my Logan’s Roadhouse t-shirt to piss management (& the other die hard LongHorn employees) off. And then I’d prop myself up in a booth somewhere in the back and crash out for the 2 hrs these meetings went on for.

    I’d wake up just long enough to eat some food if I was also stoned and hungry enough for overdone cold steak, but that’s it.

  4. Joe Sixtop

    Dude. Even HERE they are required by Federal Law to pay at least $7.25 an hour for that shit.
    Hey, don’t forget to remind us when your football picks ready and remember that no team named after a state has ever won the super bowl. Cheers, ___-Joe
    PS Jets and giants named after a city not a state

  5. Reesey M

    At least your meetings start at a normal time. The restaurant I worked at would have them on Saturday mornings at 7:00 a.m. Most employees were still drunk from the night before or half asleep from working until 3 a.m. Sure don’t miss those days…

  6. Mama Bear

    I hope my crew doesn’t see this post until AFTER our bi-annual staff meeting today. I don’t want them to think I stole all your ideas.
    Monthly?! That is what memos or newsletters are for, sheesh!

  7. Rachel

    Haha, and the condescendingly transparent ‘make us money so you can raise your tips’ lecture. The one where they try to convince you to make your bills as high as possible, and that you are doing it for your own benefit not theirs. After all, people usually just tip a percentage of the bill.

  8. B.A.

    You forgot one more, the self-righteous, brown nosing coworker who asks a bunch of questions, gives lengthy ‘theoretical’ examples, and basically draws the meeting out for the entire hour hour.

    1. Kathy Bishop

      Ugh. That person is the worst. And the mandatory meetings on Saturday morning when every single person is hungover. What are those meetings for anyway? Thanks for the donuts but we have to make our own coffee and no one is up for that.


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