There is a mandatory meeting at my job today. It is happening at 4:00, an hour before my shift starts. I don’t want to go because in all my days I have found the mandatory meetings that happen in restaurants to be absolutely pointless. Sure, they let us punch in for the meeting, but for that extra five dollars, I’d just as soon sit at home and watch TV instead. I’d even watch Dr. Oz, that’s how much I don’t want to go to the meeting. In fact, I don’t want to go to the meeting so badly that I would even watch The Talk. Lucky for me, I have an excuse today to not go. It might not be the excuse that they want to hear, but it’s an excuse nonetheless.
Today I am doing a live podcast for Keith and the Girl and darn it all to heck, it’s happening at the same time as my mandatory meeting. I think the podcast should be a real hoot even though I have no idea what I am going to talk about for an hour. And since I am going to work right from it, I can’t be drinking while I do it. You can listen and watch it LIVE by clicking here at 2:00 EST today, September 18th.
Since I am going to be missing the meeting at work, I am going to just surmise what I think will be discussed since it’s always the same bullshit every fucking time.
- Thank you for being here for this meeting and coming in either early for your shift or on your day off. To show you that we care, we are paying you each five whole dollars to be here. True, it costs $2.50 each way on the subway and it takes most of you an hour to get here and an hour to get home so you end up using three hours of your day just for this meeting. We were going to order pizza for you but decided it wasn’t worth it.
- Please be on time for your shift. If your shift starts at 5:00, that means you need to be ready to work at 5:00, not punch in at 5:00 and then go change into your uniform and then eat your lunch. Get here early so you can be ready to begin working at the scheduled time of your shift, unless you are doing a live podcast for someone. In that case, just get here when you can.
- Service must be our priority. We want to smother the guests with kindness and make sure we are anticipating their every need. We want them to leave and remember how great we treated them. If you can’t smother them with kindness, just do it with a pillow until they stop asking for shit. Whatever.
- Cleanliness is of the utmost importance. We must keep the floors and surfaces clean. If you see something on the floor, please pick it up. Our guests don’t want to see napkins and food on the floor. Always make sure you pick up anything off the floor that should not be there, unless it’s a napkin that is really far under the table and the only way to get it is to move the table and/or crawl under it. Fuck it, it’s just a napkin, it ain’t gonna hurt anybody.
- We want all of the staff to know that management and the owners truly care about you. You are very important to us and you are a vital part of what makes our establishment a success. Please know that even though we are tough on you, it is tough love and we only do it so we can all grow stronger and become a better team. We are a family. But when we say family, we mean like red-headed step-kids that we only pretend to love and if this was a fairy tale, we would lead you into the woods and hope that you would get eaten by a wolf or caught by a witch. You are replaceable and it is as simple as us putting an ad in craigslist.
- Please do all of your sidework. The sidework list is here for a reason. By doing everything on it, it ensures that we are setting ourselves up for success. All of it is vital to a smooth operation. However, if you can figure out ways to make it look like you did the sidework without actually doing it, go right ahead. We will never know.
- We need to be respectful of each other. If you have a disagreement with someone that you are working with, please ask one of your team leaders to mediate the problem so it can be worked out. Respect is a very important part of any work environment so we ask that you please refrain from using vulgar language and bringing up conversations that should not be happening at work. Discussing sex, orgasms and and the pros and cons of swallowing is not appropriate for the workplace. Please save that information for your blogs, Facebook, Twitter and Grinder.
- Finally, we want to thank you for being here. We know that it’s a lot to ask of you to come in for these meetings an we think they are very helpful for us all.. Nothing we discussed today will make any significant changes in any way. We are simply doing this because we think we should. We care about the meetings even less than you do. See you in a month.
Seriously, I am missing my meeting today because I will be doing the LIVE podcast for Keith and the Girl. Watch it and listen by clicking the link at 2:00 EST today. I guarantee I will discuss the fact that I am there instead of the mandatory meeting.
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