Michael Cera ♥’s Chess

Clueless Famous Person

Clueless Famous Person

I am still on vacation and we continue with this lousy “Best of Bitchy Waiter” bullshit. Of course I have to repost this classic about Michael Cera because it is the most viewed post ever in the history of The Bitchy Waiter. It really stirred things up and made for great comments about what an asshole I am for writing about it. It really brought out the ire in people, especially chefs who said they’d rather have a famous person like Michael Cera sitting in their restaurant and playing chess than a no-talent hack blogger like me. But fuck them. I am reposting anyway.

Famous people live by their own set of rules. I don’t believe it’s necessarily because they are all horrible people but because they live in a bubble where people never tell them “no.” They probably surround themselves with “yes men” who are there simply to confirm that every decision they make is a good one even if it’s not. It’s a horrible cycle that continues because famous people are so delusional and the people around them allow it to continue.

I am going out to dinner in Brooklyn to a great place called Buttermilk Channel. They are known for their fried chicken which is served on a waffle, but me, being the purist that I am, can only enjoy fried chicken when it is of the nugget variety so I always opt for a hamburger. It is a Tuesday night and they are slammed as always. There are three of us and we put our name on the list and begin our wait. We are told it will take about fifteen minutes, but I can see that the restaurant is full of two-tops so it’s going to be a while before two two-tops leave at the same time opening up a place to push two tables together for the three of us. The bar is full as well, so we stand on the sidewalk. We are in no hurry and take the time to catch up on our lives and appreciate the late summer weather. After about twenty minutes, I see the hostess come outside with menus in hand but she escorts another group of people to their table. We continue to wait, which is fine. We understand that it is a busy night and people are sitting at all the tables and enjoying their delicious fried chicken. After another twenty minutes, it’s our turn. The hostess leads us to a table in the back of the restaurant and as we walk through the dining room, I habitually survey the situation to see how things appear to be going for those at work. All the tables are full and the servers are busy but smiling. The hostess leads us to our table but right before we get to ours, I notice something unusual. I see a four top-that has only two people at it, a man and a woman, which is a bit surprising seeing how full the restaurant is. That is not the thing that is so unusual though. The two people at the table are playing a game of chess. They have rolled out a portable plastic chess board and are in the middle of some checkmate shit.

“Who the fuck thinks it’s okay to play chess in a busy restaurant?” I ask my friends as we sit down. “And why the hell is the restaurant letting them do that? That’s fucked up.”

We sit down and look at our menus, but the conversation quickly turns back to the Bobby Fischer wannabes at the table next to us. “That’s shitty,” I say again. “They are taking up a four-top to play chess and we waited for a table for forty fuckin’ minutes. Who the hell does that shit?”

“I think I know who the hell does that shit,” says my friend Jane. “Look who that guy is.”

I focus my attention to the guy at the table and I see a young hipster-looking dude who is drinking a cappuccino and holding a rook in his hand as he stares at his rolled out chess board. He looks familiar and I try to recognize where I know him from. “Is he from our neighborhood? Did I used to work with him? Was I his babysitter once? Who is he, how do I know him?”

“Isn’t that the guy from Arrested Development?” says Jane.

“Is it? I can’t tell.”

At this point, Chess King says something to his Chess Queen and I instantly recognize the voice of George-Michael Bluth. Michael Cera is sitting next to us and he is taking up a four-top so that he can play fucking chess.

“We waited for forty minutes so George-Michael could play chess? Awwwww, hell no. Lemme get my phone out and take a picture of this bullshit ’cause this right here is a fucking blog post.”

I reach into my bag and tell my husband to lean over so I can make it look like I am taking a picture of him when really I just want photographic evidence of a celebrity taking advantage of his celebrity.

Michael Cera

Michael Cera

We watch George-Michael finish his game of chess and then we watch him start another game of chess. We are at the restaurant for an hour and when we leave, he is still playing chess. It blows me away that a restaurant would let anyone, no matter how famous they are, take a up a table for that long in a busy restaurant when they aren’t even eating. That’s what Starbucks and your own fucking living room are for. As we leave, I approach someone who works at the restaurant. (I told this person I would not give away their identity.)

“Hi,” I say. “Can I ask you a quick question?”

They oblige.

“I write a blog about waiting tables. It’s called the Bitchy Waiter-”

“Wait, you’re The Bitchy Waiter?? Oh my god, I love that blog!!”

I resist the urge to turn the conversation to more about myself and say, “About that guy playing chess at the table back there.”

The employee’s eyes roll. “Oh, Michael Cera?”

“Yeah, you guys are so busy. What kind of person does that?”

“Someone who has never worked in a restaurant, that’s who.”

I am told that he got there at 6:30 PM. It is now 9:30 PM.

“Did he eat dinner?” I ask.

“He ordered mussels a couple of hours ago.”

I give my business card to the employee and promise them that this will be a blog very soon and leave the restaurant.

Michael Cera has no clue that there was anything wrong with what he was doing. In his world of celebrity, he has made it okay in his brain to use a busy restaurant as his own personal game room No one at the restaurant wanted to tell him that he needed to wrap it up because the restaurant doesn’t want to take the chance of pissing off a famous person and risking that they will never come back again. So the cycle continues. Celebrities make self-involved decisions and no one is willing to tell them otherwise. I did the same thing. I thought about giving him one of my business cards as I walked out so he could read about how his selfish behavior affects others but I didn’t. However, I did write this blog post about him and maybe, if he has a Google alert on himself like I do, he will get an email that will alert him to this blog. If you are reading this, Michael, please pay attention:

It would be fine to take up a table in a restaurant for three or more hours if you were using that table to eat. It is not cool though to sit there and play chess all night making other people have to wait even longer for a table. I suppose it could have been worse though. You could have played Risk or Monopoly and that shit would have taken even longer. No one told you what you were doing was wrong because they didn’t want to upset a famous person. But I am telling you now that it is not cool. If you want to play chess for three hours, do it where everyone else does; at your own home or at Union Square. It’s rude, famous or not, it’s rude.

I hope you will share this so perhaps it will eventually fall into the lap of Michael Cera or one of his people so he can learn the error of his ways.

The Bitchy Waiter on Twitter.

15 thoughts on “Michael Cera ♥’s Chess

  1. The KiD

    Lol who gives a fuck. Some people sit at a table and have drinks and chit chat for hours after eating. Some people don’t even order appetizers I until 45mins to an hour. They will just order drinks and chit chat. Then they will get an appetizer and bullshit for another 45 mins. Then they will order some more drinks before ordering their entrees.

    Some people order food, eat and leave.

    Really doesn’t matter, it’s not your prerogative nor your concern. You don’t own the restaurant.

    You sound salty af. Lmao.

    Maybe the owner(s) decided it was a good look to have Michael Cera chilling in the restaurant in any capacity.

    If you don’t think it’s a good look to have a celebrity in your restaurant, you need to double-check that shit.

  2. Cherienc

    I met Michael Cera in person, he is a total asshole. He is not nice to his fans, I did nothing but kindly approach him for an autograph. He was so mean and cold. I know some people don’t agree, but the reason celebrities are making money is because of their fans, and part of their job is dealing with their “celebrity” status which I hope would include recognizing that having people actually like him and/or like watching him in movies is kind of important. i am not saying i deserved anything from him, let alone an autograph, but i did deserve to be treated respectfully. trust me I am not a fan of his any more. I have not watched a single movie he has made since I talked to him. I am not surprised he was taking up a table in a busy restaurant while there were many people waiting. I would be ashamed if I knew I had been putting other people in that situation. As for the point made about it being good for the restaurant to have celebrities seen dining there, yes that would be good if the celebrity was being respectful. But unless ever customer there was blinded by the gleaming lime light of celebrity, they probably though the same thing as the bitchy waiter: “what kind of a person sits there bullshitting in a busy restaurant, and why is this restaurant letting these assholes continue? conclusion: This restaurant thinks Michael Cerra is better than me, Michael Cerra thinks he is better than everyone there, and I refuse to support either!”

  3. Joshua

    It’s the establishment’s fault. This guy has gotten the famous treatment his whole life. It’s not like he was a waiter and then became famous and came back acting like “screw you waitress, I’m going to sit here forever and not tip”. I doubt anyone ever clued him in on how to act in a restaurant.

    Even you, Bitchy probably would not have said anything if he was doing the exact same thing in your section. Did the waitress ever read your blog and let you know how much he tipped?

    They should have asked him politely if he would like to cash out, then if he tipped like shit they could tell him that they are very busy and need the table. If he tipped $100 then let him sit there.

  4. Nixii

    I love that people are still being bitchy about this post, even the re-post of this post! It was great the first time, and even more laughable the second go ’round! Hey Bitchy, have a martini for me today! And enjoy your much deserved vaca! Cheers!

  5. Bethany

    I just tell it like it is, darlin. I wait on celebrities all the time. I work in a very high-profile restaurant in Los Angeles. I can assure you he most likely did not realize his slight, and probably left 5 dollars… Which is just not right, any way you slice it, dear.

    In my experience, people who use words like “childish” and “negativity” when they are hearing something they don’t like are usually the definition of those words…I’m sorry for you.

    I am pretty fabulous though. And cute enough to be able to tell it like it is to folks like you. Run along, now.

  6. Bethany

    Hey Samantha, you are a dumbass. Anyone who uses the word “generously” to describe a well-deserved tip is obviously clueless and has never had to make their living off of tips. What in your tiny mind would constitute generous? Lets say he ordered a cappucino and some mussels….and let’s say his tab totaled 23 dollars. (and that’s actually shooting pretty high, but it’s because I work in a restaurant in which mussels run about 19 dollars.) Okay, so let’s assume that you consider twenty percent to be “generous”…so does that mean he is doing the server a favor when he leaves him or her five dollars? Now LET’S say Michael Cera came in, ordered his java and app, left in the appropriate 45 minutes time it would take to leisurely enjoy this order, left his 5 dollar generosity, and then the table got re-seated with four hungry people, each ordering an appetizer, entree, and several cocktails. The bill has quickly reached 250$, and the people “generously” leave a fifty dollar tip…after an hour and a half of dining. Now, a party of three sits down, and even though they are light eaters, they love cocktails, and their bill has surpassed 140$. They’re young and cool and a bit drunk, and they each leave a twenty. Now THAT is generous. So now said server has made 115 dollars in tips from this table as opposed to 5 dollars. This server is overjoyed that the hard-working busboys will get a little extra cash to take home to their families that never see them because they work two jobs. This server is relieved to finally be able to send some money to her sick mother. And Michael Cera? Hopefully he’s moved onto UNO.

    He pulled a douche move, and you are a douche for defending him.

    BW, I love you, you rock, and I hate you only because I didn’t think of this blog before you.

    1. Samantha

      The fact that you had to start off with calling me a dumbass makes your points irrelevant. A conversation can be had between two consenting adults that differ in opinion without names being called. Of course it takes adults to do this kind of thing. I have faith you’ll get there.

      This blog actually IS for me. I absolutely love it, which is why I read it, and commented. There is no need for ego stroking on my end. There are plenty of people who will agree with whatever The Bitchy Waiter says, as well as anyone else. I am not one of those people.

      As it turns out, I have had to make a living on tips and I was damn good at it! Mostly because I have a fun personality. Let’s be real though, it sucked, and I changed professions.

      To the point though, aside from your rude and childish behavior you did bring up a good point. What if the next people came in, ordered high end things and tipped generously. Sure, that could of happened. Have you ever waited on a table that gave less than 10% despite everything, in your mind, going absolutely well? It has happened to every single waitress and if you proclaim that this has not happened to you, than you’re a liar. Straight up. So, since you brought us into the “what if” world, then you can understand that what if, Michael Cera actually realized he stayed there for a ridiculously long time, not really hungry or thirsty but left a large tip. I will say large because apparently you have no clue as to what generous means. What if he left after only 40 minutes and the 2 people that could of sat there left SHIT tips because they are assholes who have no idea what it’s like to work in the food industry. Your little what if stories are cute and all, but its not reality.

      Generous – (of a person) showing a readiness to give more of something, as money or time, than is strictly necessary or expected

      I googled it for you and copy and pasted. You’re welcome. As I stated before, I hope the waitress reads this blog and lets us all know if he left a generous tip.

      Life Pro Tip: Try to be a better person. You don’t have to take the advice, and you can even respond to me with some more negativity. It really gets neither of us anywhere. We both apparently love The Bitchy Waiter. I certainly don’t know how fabulous you are, but your attitude is shit and that’s not cute.

  7. Megan

    Well, I have mixed feelings on this. If the restaurant allows anyone to occupy a table for unknown hours to do whatever, chat or play chess etc then I see no problem. If they make an exception for him because he’s a celebrity, then yeah it’s a crappy thing. However, the blame I believe belongs to the restaurant either way for your wait. People have bad manors whether they are famous or not. It happens all the time in the restaurant industry and most infrequently it’s not famous people causing the problem.

  8. Samantha

    The ONLY thing that Michael Cerra COULD have done wrong, is not tip generously for taking up a table from his waitress. He did absolutely nothing wrong. Him being famous, even marginally, means nothing. What makes you entitled to a four top table over him? You don’t expect him to have special treatment, then you yourself should not have a problem with what he is doing. Who goes out to eat and plays games? I can tell you Michael Cerra is not the only one. Many people do that. Many people do that at a restaraunt. Is it a faux pas? Absolutely not.

    I hope the waitress comes to your blog and lets us know how he tipped. If it was anything less than generous, then he wasted her time as well as other people who may have been able to sit there. It is a business, and plenty of people just sit there and do nothing but chat with their friends. Not everyone wants to be rushed out of the place. I can see why you would feel slighted because you possibly could have taken his seat and not had to wait, but in reality, even you, the famous bitchy waiter bloggess, has sat around a bit extra to chat with friends. I imagine the longer you stay you would compensate, he too, should (hopefully) do the same and there is nothing wrong with it.

    1. Anonymous

      Bitchy and his friends were entitled to a four top because there were three of them, and Michael cera was with only one other person. That’s why, dumbass. It’s in the article.

  9. Mary Mac

    I can see getting away with that shit if you are George Clooney or even Johnny Depp but you are Michael Cera. Hey kid come back to play chess when you have some fucking Hollywood clout.

    1. Samantha

      His fame shouldn’t allow him special treatment, that is the point of this post. Even if he was George Clooney, wasting someone’s time, especially the waitress, is obnoxious. The only way he is allowed to sit, is if he is either buying food/drink or plans to tip well. This is true for most business’ of this nature.

  10. anna

    Well…from the management/owner point of view I could understand why that is ok: because having a celebrity occupying a table for that many hours, brings a lot of good publicity to the restaurant. Most restaurants would want to have celebrities camping at their tables to show how good clientele they attract. It´s marketing and some restaurants/clubs even pay (semi-)famous people to visit them for an hour or two 😉


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *