I Wanna Be Your Hero

A news article was sent to me praising the actions of a waiter in Atlanta, Georgia who saved the life of a man who was choking on a fucking quesadilla. There is even video of the event. According to the choking victim, “I think I just took a really big bite and forgot to chew.” Uh, okay. Forgot to chew? That might be something he wants to work on for future eating times, but thank God for his waiter Matthew McConnell who had learned the Heimlich at the training for the restaurant. Let’s all give it up to Matthew. He’s a hero. I wrote about this before when I saw a guy choking in my restaurant once and I didn’t know what the hell to do. Thankfully, he wasn’t in my station so I didn’t feel any real responsibility for the poor guy. Another customer jumped up and saved his life. It was all very dramatic and inspired me to sign up for a class in CPR and shit. However, if I remember correctly, the class was happening on the same night as the season finale for Designing Women, so I skipped it. Anhoo, back to our hero, Matthew! Of course he is downplaying the whole “hero” moniker as any modest hero would, but I would be basking all over that hero worship shit. And yes, I am a bit jealous that no one has ever called me their hero.

Shouldn’t I be considered a hero for all the lives I have saved too? Maybe I didn’t pull a piece of quesadilla from someones windpipe, but I have had my moments. What about the time that lady sent her food back three times because the steak was undercooked and then she had the nerve to tell me at the end she wasn’t really hungry anyway? I wanted to strangle that bitch. But I didn’t. Life saved. What about when that kid left his scooter in my way and I tripped over it (on purpose to prove a point)? I could have killed that kid for endangering my life, but I didn’t. Another life saved. And finally, what about all those people who get great service and then leave me a 5% tip? That is grounds for manslaughter, but I have never done it. Countless lives saved. I am practically a goddamn fucking superhero when you look at it that way. Sure, this guy Matthew gave the Heimlich and saved one lousy life. I, on the other hand, with restraint and patience have managed to save at least one life every day. I am a hero too, world. Just a different kind of hero. In the immortal words of songstress Enrigue Iglesiais:

I can be you hero baby
I can kiss away the pain
I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go pick up my cape from the dry cleaners. I got some 1000 Island dressing on it the other night when this lady changed her mind about her salad. She told me she wanted a 1000 Island but when I got to her table she swore that she said Ranch. She didn’t. I tossed the salad into the garbage and got the dressing all over me. I was pissed off and wanted to punch her unconscious. But I didn’t. Yet another life saved. It just doesn’t end for me with the fucking life-saving.

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11 thoughts on “I Wanna Be Your Hero

  1. Adventure Spot

    This post was hilarious, I agree you are some sort of super hero seriously with all the stuff you write about I don't know how you deal. I would be choking skanks left and right.

  2. Just Writing

    Ha, ha BW, yer up there with Mother Theresa. My grandma nearly choked once on a peanut and was forever grateful to the server who saved her life with that wonderful (as she called it) "hitler movement"

  3. Noelle

    It's blogs like this keep me coming back for more. ThanksAnd interesting to learn about the 'Heimlich maneuver' who in the world is going to call it 'abdominal thrusts' ? that just sounds obscene. Call it choking maneuver or windpipe extraction or life saving hard hug.

  4. Christie

    Reading this made me think of my grandpa….Conversation between me and my grandfather when I was 14..Grandpa: I saved your life today!!Me: Yeah, How?Grandpa: I saw a shit eating dog heading your direction and killed it!Me: Thanks, Grandpa, Love you too!

  5. Anonymous

    The term Heimlich is actually not accurate anymore – apparently the family of deceased Dr. Heimlich got super greedy and wanted the rights to the term "Heimlich maneuver" Like anyone can own the language for a lifesaving procedure! So now we all have to alter our vocab to include the term "abdominal thrusts" Annoying and an excellent example of just what lows our society has fallen to! We need a superhero to save us from ourselves!

  6. Practical Parsimony

    BW, you are truly amazing, the stuff of which heroes are made. Keep it up and save more lives by your amazing restraint. If I should ever save a life, hopefully I can be even more humble than you.

  7. Anonymous

    I am so glad you exist, saving lives by the score. The nation should get down on its knees in gratitude then get up on Mt. Rushmore and carve your face…well maybe the paper bag you wear over your head for personal appearances…along side Theodore Roosevelt's.


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