Today is the day we think it’s okay to eat sixteen ounces of chocolate from Walgreen’s. It’s February 14th and Valentine’s Day. Thankfully, I am not working in a restaurant this evening so I will not have to look at all the couples who are goo-goo ga-ga over each other as they share a plate of cheese fries. Instead, I will be at a restaurant all goo-goo ga-ga and sharing a pitcher of Margaritas with that special someone. There may be food involved as well, but there will definitely be tequila. I will keep this brief because I am ready to get my VD on, but I wanted to share a few thoughts about this day. Some pointers, if you will, for the two or three guys who read this blog:
- Do not buy your roses at the deli.
- There are other flowers other than roses. Your girlfriend might appreciate a bit of thinking outside the box. A dozen long-stemmed roses are so traditional and so very fucking done.
- Do not buy any flowers that have baby’s breath in them. If they are in the bouquet you bought at the Stop and Shop, take that shit outta there. It’s tacky and makes the flowers look even cheaper than they probably were.
- One single rose is not romantic. It’s lame. If it lights up, you are especially lame.
- A bigger Valentine card does not mean you are more romantic. No girl wants that big huge card that they have to lug around all day. It will get thrown away. Trust me. Simple is better. And write something on it. More than a sentence. It will take you far.
- No stuffed animals. She doesn’t want another stuffed teddy bear that says “I love you beary much.”
- You don’t have to buy that big ass heart-shaped box of chocolate. Try something like an upscale chocolate place (Kees, Leonidas, or Godiva in a pinch) and just choose four or five truffles that are unique and delicious. Like a passion fruit truffle or a raspberry one. Your girlfriend doesn’t want a hundred pieces of chocolate that will make her ask you later if you think she looks fat.
- Hold her hand. Be nice. Say you love her.
- Tell her how cool The Bitchy Waiter is.
Alright. And scene. Off for Margaritas. Happy Valentine’s Day!