Valentine’s Day Advice for Men

Today is the day we think it’s okay to eat sixteen ounces of chocolate from Walgreen’s. It’s February 14th and Valentine’s Day. Thankfully, I am not working in a restaurant this evening so I will not have to look at all the couples who are goo-goo ga-ga over each other as they share a plate of cheese fries. Instead, I will be at a restaurant all goo-goo ga-ga and sharing a pitcher of Margaritas with that special someone. There may be food involved as well, but there will definitely be tequila. I will keep this brief because I am ready to get my VD on, but I wanted to share a few thoughts about this day. Some pointers, if you will, for the two or three guys who read this blog:

  • Do not buy your roses at the deli.
  • There are other flowers other than roses. Your girlfriend might appreciate a bit of thinking outside the box. A dozen long-stemmed roses are so traditional and so very fucking done.
  • Do not buy any flowers that have baby’s breath in them. If they are in the bouquet you bought at the Stop and Shop, take that shit outta there. It’s tacky and makes the flowers look even cheaper than they probably were.
  • One single rose is not romantic. It’s lame. If it lights up, you are especially lame.
  • A bigger Valentine card does not mean you are more romantic. No girl wants that big huge card that they have to lug around all day. It will get thrown away. Trust me. Simple is better. And write something on it. More than a sentence. It will take you far.
  • No stuffed animals. She doesn’t want another stuffed teddy bear that says “I love you beary much.”
  • You don’t have to buy that big ass heart-shaped box of chocolate. Try something like an upscale chocolate place (Kees, Leonidas, or Godiva in a pinch) and just choose four or five truffles that are unique and delicious. Like a passion fruit truffle or a raspberry one. Your girlfriend doesn’t want a hundred pieces of chocolate that will make her ask you later if you think she looks fat.
  • Hold her hand. Be nice. Say you love her.
  • Tell her how cool The Bitchy Waiter is.

Alright. And scene. Off for Margaritas. Happy Valentine’s Day!

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22 thoughts on “Valentine’s Day Advice for Men

  1. Tom

    I’m a guy (last time I looked) and I LOVE your blog AND I follow you on Twitter. Let’s channel that negativity (2 or 3 guys read this) into another witty, sarcastic, yet in your face true…new article!

    The bitchy waiter has to stay bitchy!

  2. David Cowling

    Do not take her out to eat. It’s a cattle call, over priced and usually you get a fixed menu. Cook for her, be romantic and you are already closer to a bed.

  3. Anonymous

    So not being a giant douche I was aware of most of the list save the very last bit of advice.So i actualy told my wife I loved her and in the same breath how cool the Bitchy Waiter is.She said and I quote "I didn't know you read that blog! And yes, very cool!".Well done sir!

  4. Mary A.

    OMG you are SO RIGHT! I HATE ROSES. They are cheap, lame flowers. I would rather have a big boquet of carnations — cheap, yes, but happy flowers and not at all cliched. And after 18 years of marriage I'm all "you know the $60 you paid for these could have gotten me a pedicure, right?"Happy Valentine's Day!

  5. Ester Jean

    oh god, I woulda killed for margaritas tonight!We don't usually "do" Valentine's Day, which I was thankful for because I jacked up his birthday by being sick and getting him nothing (later made him a quilt, but that doesn't make up for a sucky b-day), so this was a time for me to redeem myself. He got: a whisk (he's the cook here, and bitches that we don't have one but never bought one), four $5 movies (that he likes), a giant sack of Snickers bars and Twix, and a Birthday card making fun of his memory loss due to a traumatic brain injury from OIF or whatever the hell our wars are called now.Heyoooo!I hope your night was more badass than

  6. Amanda

    I REALLY wish my husband would have read this post and followed your advice. It's also my birthday today. I got: A big card; a stuffed animal, a dozen roses with baby's breath. No joke. And I paid for dinner.

  7. Erica L

    Since we're poor, he did actually get me a heart-shaped box of chocolates. Cliche? Yes. But he still holds my hand and tells me he loves me every day. Besides…I'm a huge sweet tooth and I couldn't ask for anything more. Happy VD!

  8. Jill

    When you said you were gonna "get your VD on," I thought of something comepletely different.The second to tlast one made me go "d'aww…"And doing the last one will TOTALLY get you laid.


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