One Stinky Lady at Table 3

In keeping with my pledge to refer to certain customers as characters from 1970’s and 1980’s television shows, I would like to discuss one “Mary Ann” who comes in on a regular basis. I refer to her as Mary Ann from Gilligan’s Island, not because she is cute and perky and from Kansas and has a subtle beauty that makes men want her more than that whore of movie Star, Ginger Grant. I call her Mary Ann because she smells like what I imagine Mary Ann to smell like after three years on an island without a shower or soap. Or maybe she smells like one of her coconut cream pies that have sat in the sun for too long and it went bad so she tried to make it smell better by farting on it and that didn’t work so she threw some monkey poop on it and that didn’t work so she just gave up and went to my station and sat at table three.

I don’t know why this woman smells so bad. The first time I got a whiff of her, I wasn’t sure what the smell was. Perhaps some errant rat that had eaten poison and died under a booth or a homeless man who had taken a nap in the lighting booth. After several passes of the table, I narrowed down the odor to this regular. It’s like a mixture of body odor, skunk and frustration. When I leaned over to ask her what she would like for her second drink, I was punched in the face by her breath. You know what a piece of dental floss smells like after a good tough round of flossing out roast beef and broccoli? That dental floss smells like a a Elizabeth Taylor’s White Diamonds compared to the stench that comes out of her mouth. I swear to God, it smells so bad that flies even avoid it. Imagine a fly sitting on a pile of dog shit on 6th Avenue:

Boy this dog poo sure does smell bad, but I don’t mind. I’m a fly. I love poo, garbage and germs. The stinkier the better, bring it on. I’m a fly, ain’t nuthin‘ gonna breaka my stride, nobody gonna slow me down, oh no, I got to keep on movin‘… (the fly flies away and gets into the airstream of Mary Ann’s breath) Oh, my God, what the hell is that stench? This is awful, I can’t take it. (The fly pulls out a tiny revolver from his tiny coat pocket and blows his tiny brains out.)

When I see Mary Ann come in, I immediately start sending out vibes that she sits anywhere except my station. Since there are only two of us at work, I have a 50/50 chance of breathing in her funk. When she sits elsewhere, it’s like winning the lottery. Except I don’t win a million dollars, I just win the right to breathe. And in my book, that’s worth a good chunk of coconut cream pie.

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15 thoughts on “One Stinky Lady at Table 3

  1. Allie

    There was a regular at my last restaurant who straight-up stank. I rejoiced every time he got sat at someone else’s table. Most of the time, it was a general slovenly, unwashed kind of smell. Like how dirty laundry smells after being left to sit in a clump for ages, just musty and unclean.

    But then, one shift when I had the misfortune of waiting on him, he disappeared into the bathroom for a really long time, right after his food came (never a good sign). When he came out, he affably told me, without any shame or embarrassment, that there was a mess in the bathroom. I knew immediately what he meant and are you fucking kidding me?

    He went to sit back down and it became quickly clear, due to the horrid stench wafting from him and tainting the surrounding air, that he had shit his pants, gone to the bathroom, and did the worst possible cleanup imaginable. Like, he clearly was wearing shitty underwear or did not wipe at all, and then came right back to sit on our cloth-covered bench seat. Awesome. He then proceeded to act like nothing happened, gorging himself on the excessive amount of food he ordered, as usual.

    The owners were pussies and afraid to piss anyone off, especially regulars, so they wouldn’t allow me to take action. He smelled so bad that it was affecting the other seating areas and I imagined was fairly unpleasant for the other customers. There was a disgusting, shitty mess in the bathroom, of course, but I did not ask details. After he left, my coworker spent a fair amount of time disinfecting the bench because, as she said, “I mean, people bring their *kids* in here to eat…”

    Who fucking does that? Like, if I shit my pants in a restaurant, I’d frantically clean up the mess as much as possible and fucking hightail it out of there. What kind of person makes low-wage grunt workers deal with cleaning up their literal shit? Such an asshole.

  2. mashed potato baby

    Leave a breath mint for her was a good idea. Maybe in a humorous way you could say something like,””whoa Honey. Your breath sure is kickin’ today.””

  3. Pancake Grrrl

    We have a disgusting stinky regular with open sores all over her arms. One time, her husband pulled off his socks and clipped his toenails in the dining room. I would have either stopped him or killed him, but I didn't know until I discovered him putting his socks back on.

  4. Melelina

    Haha sorry about the funk. I have this crazy homeless lady in the town I live her hair is neon pink(no joke) and it always happens that I will be sitting at the bus stop and she will come and sit next to me (the bench fits 3 medium size people so she is pretty much 4 inches away from me) she smells like shes been rolling around in a dumpster behind a restaurant that has been rotting for weeks. So when she sits next to me I usually have to wait a minute(or as long as I can without throwing up) to stand up and make like I have the urge to smoke a cig

  5. Mary A.

    Start sitting those guys who wear too much cologne right next to her. Maybe that will get her to go somewhere else.Maybe instead of mints, you could leave a vagisil wipe on the tray.

  6. Headbanging Hostess

    I had a guy once in my section who had TERRIBLE B.O. I thought he must have had a mold growing over his entire body. Trying to drop food on the table was much like doing the limbo. His wife and kids weren't stinky at all, I wondered how she lived with him.What if you hung one of those Magic Tree car fresheners on her wine glass and told her it was a charm?

  7. Noelle

    Extra mints with the check. of course if she likes them she will always sit with you and never get the hint. seems smelly people don't smell. scented candles, extra mints you're doomed.

  8. ChiTown Girl

    There's a part of me that wants to be serious and sympathetic, much like Practical here, and say, 'maybe she suffers from periodontal disease.' But, the bitch in me wants to say, 'keep your stank mouth to yourself, Stinky McStinkerson!!' Ewwww!


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