Some people have no idea that they are full blown annoying. They think just because they say “please” and “thank you” it makes it alright that they have way too many requests and special needs. You know the table who comes in and says “I am going to be the best customer you get all night?” They are never the best customer you get all night. Just like the person who says he is really going to take care of you when it comes time to tip never really takes care of you when it comes time to tip. I had one of these folks last week.
At my job, it is table service only. The bar that they walk by when they come in to the club is strictly a service bar. They have to plop their ass at their assigned table where I will then come and take their order and then bring their drink. This lady walked in and was leaning all over the bar looking at the bottles of liquor. The bartender kindly lets her know it’s table service only. “Oh, I know, I’m just saying hello. And I want to see what all you have to drink. Thank you.” But she she just stood there. And stood there. And stood there. Finally, she managed to get to her seat where I went to get her drink order.
“Hi there,” she tells me. “Do you have Cabo Wabo Tequila?”
“No, I’m sorry, we don’t. We do have-“
“Oh shoot,” she interrupted. “I really wanted that. What about Don Julio Reposado?”
Now this bitch had just spent ten minutes staring at the shelves of liquor so she should have known it better than I do. Or maybe she thought we had a secret liquor cabinet somewhere that she wasn’t aware of. I tried again. “No, we don’t have that either. We have Patron, Jose Cuervo, Herra-“
She interrupted me again. “Do you have Herradura?”
“Yes. Yes we have that.”
“Okay, I guess that will do. I want that in a shot glass please with two lemons and a glass of soda water.” I was surprised that she asked for lemons because most people like lime with tequila. Personally, I don’t care. I will eat a banana with tequila if that’s all I have. Or a mango. Or a potato. I really don’t care. “And I’d like lemon in the soda as well. Thank you.”
I wrote down lemon so that I wouldn’t automatically give her limes as I am so used to doing. A few minutes later I took the drinks to her. She was with a man who finally spoke up. “Whoa, buddy. You got the wrong color. She wanted limes. Limes go with tequila.” I looked at the lady so she could correct him. Then she looked back at me and said, “Yes, sweetie, I wanted limes. Thank you.”
What in the fuckity fuck? I know she said lemon. I wrote it down. I questioned it as I wrote it down. I heard lemon because she said lemon. She even said she wanted lemon in her soda as well meaning in addition to the lemon that she wanted for her tequila. But I went and got the limes. “Thank you so much,” she said through a big toothy smile.
Fifteen minutes into the show, the man calls me over and whispers in my ear. “Hey buddy, it’s cold in here. The air is blowing right on us, buddy. Can you do something about that, buddy?” Enough with the buddy. I’m not your buddy. Buddy is a dog. Or an Elf. I went and turned off the fan so that the Royal Couple at table 28 could be happy. They asked for another round and I made sure to bring limes this time to Princess Tequila because, you know, lemons would be the wrong color.
They tipped me fine. It wasn’t that they were so horrible, it was just that they constantly had to tell me something or ask me a dumb ass question. And they were always polite about it so it just made it annoying. And the whole lemon/lime thing stuck in my craw. (“Stuck in my craw?” Who am I, using that old fashioned idiom? My great grandma?) As they walked by the service station to leave, she said thank you again and I could tell she was little bit drunk from her tequila shots. I was satisfied with my 15% tip. They were nice enough, I just don’t want to go to the same table that many times no matter how often I hear “please” and “thank you.” And she did say lemons.
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