I am doing a little experiment. Today I shall start a four day serial of Lispy Gay. Hopefully, at the end of each post, you will be so filled with anticipation that you will hardly be able to wait until the next installment to find out what happens. I just thought it would be fun. Or maybe it will suck. we shall see. Your comments are appreciated.
The piercing sound of Patti Lupone belting an E flat in “Rainbow High” shot through the alarm clock speakers serving as that morning’s wake up call. A sleepy hand appeared from underneath the pink sateen sheets to hit the snooze button and Patti abruptly halted in mid screech. Seven minutes later, it came again and this time a highlighted head popped up from the pillow with bright eyes and bushy tail. The man slipped his pedicured feet into his Felix the Cat slippers and shuffled to the kitchen where he picks up the telephone to make the call that he knew would be happening this morning. Just as planned, an answering machine picks up and he leaves a message. “Hi thith ith Lithpy Gay calling? I am tho thorry, but I have a thore throat thith morning and a bit of a fever? I think it would be beth if I thay at home today? I tho don’t want to get anyone elth thick. Buh bye.” He placed the receiver back on the princess phone and gave himself a hug, wrapping his arms around himself with sheer joy. He now had the whole day for his favorite activity. He wasn’t going to finish alphabetizing his musical theater collection or watchevery episodeof Barefoot Contessa. No, today he had set aside to put together his Christmas Extravaganza using his Department 56 Original Snow Village. He had a collection of over 100 pieces from the the town post office to Marvel’s Beauty Salon to the cutest little trash cans that were overflowing with tiny pieces of Christmas wrapping paper. “Today ith going to be the beth day ever,” he said to his miniature schnauzer, Tranny Sore Ass Rex.
Lispy Gay went to his Mr. Coffee and made himself an extra large pot for he knew he was going to need a lot of energy this morning if he was going to complete his Christmas Village in only one day. He quickly ate a bowl of Greek yogurt with berries as Barbra Streisand’s Christmas album played in the background. Still in his negligee, he went to his closet and started to pull out the boxes that contained his pride and joy. Right when he was about to open the first piece, Dinah’s Drive In, his cell phone rang. Recognizing the number, he quickly hit the ignore button. It was his boss at the Choking Chicken, the bar b-q restaurant where he was the assistant manager. “Why ith he calling me?” he wanted to know. “I have a thick day. Thith ith not fair!” He stomped his foot on the leopard skin rug as he retrieved the voice mail.
“Uh, hi, Lispy Gay? This is Sam here at work. I know you’re sick and everything but we really need you to come in today. Maybe you can just come in for the lunch rush? Sally’s cat went into the emergency room last night and she can’t be here. We had two waiters call in sick and the hostess broke her toe and she can’t seat people. Call me back as soon as you get this message. Thanks.”
Lispy Gay was furious. He had planned this day for two weeks. He had already told his mother that she could come over that night for tea so he could show off the village and surprise her with the newest addition; a pair of ice skaters who actually glided across a frozen pond. “Thupid Sally and her thupid cat,” he whined. “And I don’t care if a hothess broke her toe. I want my thick day!” He frantically punched the numbers in his cell phone to call his manager. “Hello, Tham? Thith ith Lithpy Gay? I am tho thick. I have a fever of a hundred and thix and my throat ith thwelled up? I thimply can’t make it in today.” After a long pause, Sam said, “I really think it’s best you come in. Don’t you wanna be the best assistant Choking Chicken manager you can be, Lispy Gay?” “Of courth I do. You know I do. I love Choking Chicken. Ith my favorite thing. But I’m thick.” “Are you really sick, Lispy Gay because I’m not so sure,” said Sam. Lispy Gay looked over at the box of artificial snow, swallowed and said, “I thwear on a thack of Judy Garland albumth that I am the thicketh I have ever been. I can’t come in today.” He coughed to validate his point.
Sam cleared his throat. “Okay, I didn’t wanna have to do this, but I know you’re not sick. You’re planning to set up some kind of Christmas village today and you’re faking. I don’t even know what a Christmas village is but, I read on your “I ♥ Christmas” blog that you planned to fake an illness so you could do this. You’re fired. Come in tomorrow to turn in your Choking Chicken apron and badge.” Sam hung up.
Lispy Gay was in shock. How did anyone even know about his “I ♥ Christmas”blog? He had never told anyone he worked with about it. A tear welled up in his eye and it fell onto the ear of his Felix the Cat slipper on his right foot. “But I juth wanted a day for the Chrithmath Village. Ith that tho wrong?” He couldn’t lose this job. Not now, only two weeks before Christmas and right before he had a chance to win Choking Chickener of the Year. How could a day that was going to be so perfect already be so wrong? He decided to call Sam and get his job back. He knew just how to do it too.
“How can I choke your chicken, this Sam. Can I help you?”
“I want my job back, Tham.”
“Sorry, Lipsy Gay, it’s too late. Nothing you say can change my mind.”
“Nothing? Not even if I remind you about that time that I wath looking for thalt in the thoreroom and I thaw you in there? With Theven? The delivery boy? How would your wife feel about that, Tham? Hmmm?”
Sam didn’t know anyone had seen him and Steven. It was a one time thing. It was an accident. Not meant to happen. But it did happen. And Lispy Gay knew about it. “You wouldn’t tell my wife about that, would you, Lispy Gay?”
Lispy Gay laughed the way that Joan Crawford laughed when she knew she had someone by the balls. “Oh, wouldn’t I? Now about thith thick day of mine.”