Panda Express Workers Might Be Braver Than Me

This blog post is ripped from the headlines: Would-Be Robbers Foiled by Panda Express Workers. When I saw the story I was immediately impressed by the bravery of the employees who surely put their own lives at stake in order to save the cash register. These must be some true blue heroes indeed. But upon reading the story more closely, it turns out that the restaurant was already closed and when the robbers tried to get past the locked doors, the workers simply refused to open the them. Duh. If you see someone with a gun and he is on the other side of a locked door, my thought would be to not unlock it. Now I have never taken any self defense courses or studied the world of criminology, but it seems like there is no other option. What other action would anyone take?

ROBBER: Knock, knock.
WAITER: Who’s there?
ROBBER: Robber.
WAITER: Robber who?
ROBBER: Robber with a gun, now open this mother fucking door.
WAITER: Oh, wait did you say robber with a gun or without a gun? I couldn’t quite hear you since you are on the other side of a locked door.
ROBBER: Robber with a gun.
WAITER: Oh okay then, hold on and let me unlock this deadbolt. (click) There we are. Come right in, Robber-
ROBBER: Bam, you’re dead.

While I am happy that these poor Panda Express workers weren’t harmed, I don’t really think they thwarted a robbery. Thwarting it would be like the criminals were already in the restaurant and through some kind of plan the bandits were tricked into putting the gun down at which time a waiter fell from a hidden compartment in the ceiling and attacked the robber while another waiter grabbed the gun and called 911. In this case they did what I do to anyone who tries to come into my restaurant after we are closed: give ’em the evil eye, burp out “we’re closed” and saunter back to my after shift cocktail. If I am ever in the situation where I am face to face with robbers in my restaurant here is what I would say:

Hold up, lemme get you all the money in the cash register and show you where the safe is. If we can’t get it open, I’ll help you carry it to your getaway vehicle and you can deal with it later. Here’s my wallet, my tips and my five dollar ladies watch that I bought on the corner of Fifth Avenue and 52nd Street. Do you guys wanna a drink? Lemme make you a martini and then when I’m done with the vodka you can put that in your getaway vehicle too. I think my manger has an iPad in his locker. Lemme show you which one it is. Oh and don’t forget to take the video tapes from the closed circuit camera with you when you go. Is there anything else you need? You sure? Okay then. Y’all have a good night. Here take this cappuccino machine with you too. Bye bye.

Brave? No, not at all. I ain’t no Panda Express worker. I am a freaking coward ass pussy wimp bitch. And proud of it.

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16 thoughts on “Panda Express Workers Might Be Braver Than Me

  1. invisible23

    Ok one more and then I really will try to stop commenting on all these old blog posts like a creeper…. I used to work at Ben and Jerry’s, and this one night after we were closed some guy tried to force his way through the back door (it only had one crappy little lock and was really thin and the hinges were loose). I was out in front so I didn’t see what happened at first. My coworker who it happened to was all nonchalant and didn’t seem too phased, which was weird because she was this tiny little 100 pound sweet little mild mannered girl. Anyway, the cops and the owner got there and we all watched the security footage, which revealed: a gloved hand coming in the crack of the door, and tiny little Maria looking over, kind of tiptoeing closer, then SLAMMING the door as hard as she could on the fuckers hand. Maria kicked ass. And she didn’t even brag like I would have.

  2. Mama Sky

    Thanks for making me smile. I have had a few attempted robberies at places Ive worked. I suppose it depends on the mood Im in and whether I like my job or not. We had a guy come storming into Olympia Sports swinging a baseball bat demanding money and smashing everything. I was in a piss poor mood and jumped on his back and tried to do a choke hold. Im a puny tiny 5ft 2in chick so all I managed to do was gouge his eyes and piss him off but he dropped the bat and I managed to knock him in the head with it and hold him down till the cops showed up. Another time I had some chicks steal stuff from a store I worked at and I chased them down and got into a hair pullitng match with one, that bitch had some dagger long nails and scratched me deep enough to require stitches. I gave her a black eye and a broken nose. You dont mess with a country girl. lol. Now my husband teaches MMA so the next time I get into a fight I will be ready.

  3. Anonymous

    It was on a Saturday night, the kitchen was already closed and there were still a few tables lingering. I was hanging out by the hostess station when 2 guys with bandannas over their faces & handguns entered asking for the manager. One was escorted to the safe downstairs while the other told everyone to get down, heads down & kept watch. Before they left, they asked the bartender to empty the register & then looked at all us waiters with the bulging aprons & told us to empty our pockets too. I was pissed – it was a Saturday money making night & you're gonna take my hard earned money? I reached in my apron & pulled out some money. He said – all of it! I was so angry I just threw the money all over the floor watching as he picked every last bill. My station for that night was upstairs & I still had a table of 10 guys finishing up. They couldn't believe when I told them what had just happened. Since they didn't pay the bill yet, they each gave me$20. The owner of the restaurant eventually did give to us an estimated final tip tally based on our total sales for that evening, so it actually ended pretty well for me! However, I would not recommend to anyone to throw anything at somebody that is holding a gun.

  4. AKA Soccer Mom

    Hi Bitchy Waiter,I'm Martha Ross, editor of Walnut Creek Patch. I'm also known as AKA Soccer Mom, and I have a blog Crazy in Suburbia. Anyway, thanks for sharing your blog post. Yeah, I thought the story was more about the stupid robbers going to rob a business after it was closed and the doors were locked. Not to take anything away from the employees…. Others might not have had the presence of mind to back away when a gun is pointing at you through what was probably a glass door.

  5. inflammatory writ

    HA! I totally would have done the same thing with robbers when I too was a bitchy waiter. I'd have given them any old thing they wanted. With a smile. Except my damn tips, which I'd have kept quiet about unless they asked for them.

  6. Anonymous

    A sushi restaurant in Mobile was robbed a few years back…or at least the robbers attempted to. One of them reached into the tip jar and promptly got a cleaver in the middle of his skull.His partner decided the money wasn't worth it and hauled ass.


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