I have not yet written specifically about one of my new managers. She was mentioned briefly in Katy Perry Likes Mashed Potatoes as Other Manager, but it’s time she has her own name and story. I will call her Porcelain Doll because she is always so put together and pristine and she looks like if she smiles, her fucking face will crack apart. None too surprising, she’s a bitch. The first day I saw her she forced a weak smile and extended her tiny wimpy hand out for me to shake as she introduced herself. “At least she tried to smile,” I thought. Her grip was that of a wet soba noodle. The next time I saw her was the day she was trying to produce the illusive mashed potatoes for Katy Perry. Her impression on me was less than positive. As I rang in my first order of that day and my first one without the assistance of a trainer, she was standing next to the computer. “Oh, Porcelain Doll, I’m glad you’re here. Would you please make sure I am ringing this order in in the right way before I send it to the kitchen?” Porcelain Doll’s response? “Well, I’m not just standing here because you’re pretty.” Wait, was she being funny or being a bitch? I patted my naturally curly hair and said, “Well thank you for calling me pretty” and then produced a little girly laugh. Porcelain Doll didn’t move her face and it was clear that she wasn’t being funny. She was being a bitch. And she didn’t think what I said was remotely funny.
What is it with these managers? Were they required to take an aptitude test to determine that none of them have a funny bone in their body? Do any of them understand what a sense of humor is? Can any one of them see that the job they do is not as important as a brain surgeon or the Secretary of Defense? I have repeatedly tried to lighten things up around there only to be shot back down by a no-nonsense stare from a pair of glassed over eyes. Porcelain Doll seems to be the worst one when it comes to having any fun. She needs to be put under glass and displayed at the Museum for Artifacts of Lame Shit. Admission would be a suggested donation of ten dollars. No one would ever pay that amount to get in because the museum would suck and the only people who would go to it are kids who have to write a report on it for their social studies class. Porcelain Doll would just sit there and wait for someone to look at her but no one ever would because even the losers who would go into the Museum for Artifacts of Lame Shit would avoid her because who the hell wants to look at a doll in a museum? Porcelain Doll would eventually dry up and deteriorate into a pile of dust which the janitor would vacuum up and toss into a dumpster. A perfect ending for a perfect bitch.
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kat szulga
If you ever find yourself in London, England, check out Pollock’s Toy Museum and find out why dolls in museums are actually really cool. And creepy. Very creepy.
Also see the Dennis Severs’ House. It’s a bitch to find, but totally worth it.
Hera
This was FUCKING HILARIOUS. “A perfect ending for a perfect bitch.”
Jeff
It makes you wonder why they even get out of bed in the morning with such a poor attitude on life.
Mannix
While I do not envy you your job, I wish I had a tenth of the patience and apparent willpower you have. You my friend, are an oak! Nay! You are a rock on which the ocean waters of idiotic and humorless managers smash against whenever they try to erode you into their dismal abyss! You're my new F'N hero!
dirtydisher
Mary A..I got it and laughed. I actually own Talking Tina. Poor Bitchy, they just don't know who you are, do they? You'll get the last laugh, oh yeah.
Jan
Couldn't put it better than Justin at 'shit my dad says' – "Look, we're basically on earth to shit and fuck. So unless your job's to help people shit or fuck, it's not that important, so relax."
bistis6
I can't wait to hear all of this in person. See you tomorrow…and thank your lucky stars you weren't at the "good place" Friday or Saturday.
Mary A.
So is E going to do a peice on her titled "Whatever happened to Talking Tina?"That will only be funny to about 3 people. Sorry.
The Empress
It sounds like you are the only person that has a personality and sense of humor in that gawd-awful place. What a bunch of nasty turds. I hope they are paying you a special shift differential for having to deal with those bitchy f*ckwits!http://rantersbox.blogspot.com
Bouncin' Barb
I can't imagine what their personal lives are like that make them go to work in this pissy moods they have. Damn, life is to friggen' short people. Enjoy it. It doesn't cost anything to be nice to people!
bruce
wow… i thought eventually there would be someone that you could post a funny but remotely posititve story about..managers that think they are the cats ass are pathetic…mebbe one day they wake and find that the world is not just the job…poor sad sacklickers…
Kara Hoag
Oh man. At least my managers have a sense of humor (Jesus, I think I just said something nice about my restaurant). Even if they make me want to stab them in the eyes with the hilt of a lemon slicer I do get a good laugh once in awhile from something that comes out of their mouths.karahoag.blogspot.com
Anonymous
The Greeks have a great adage: "The fish rots from the head down." In other words, you have three bitch managers and one lispy sort who all act in just the manner they have programmed to by their bosses. They live in fear. They live desperate lives justified by only how much fear they can strike in others. The owners like it this way since they don't have to engage in solving employees problems. It's just easier to fire people. It's in their budget. It's the snarky Wall-Street-Bottom-Line mentality that poisons so much of America.
Bagel Fairy
Yo, that doll is FUCKING SCARY.