Patio A Go-Go

Sorry about this re-post, but I am actually out looking for a job today. And since writing this blog does not pay, I have to set my priorities. Of course, you could change that by clicking here. Or you could just leave a comment. Either way.

Let me tell you about waiting tables on a patio: it sucks. My restaurant has a patio in the summer and people knock themselves over to get one of those crappy little two-tops next to a busy Manhattan street. It’s not relaxing out there, that’s for sure. Sirens, buses, homeless people watching you eat french toast? Why bother? But people love it. But what really annoys the fuck out of me is when someone complains to me that it’s too hot or too windy. Oh okay, let me stop the wind for you, lady.

Someone today waited twenty minutes for a table on the patio/dirty sidewalk. After they rearranged the tables to suit their needs they called me over and said the sun was too bright. They wanted to move. I reminded then that we are in fact outside which tends to have sun and told them that the entire inside of the restaurant was shaded if they wanted to move their glooberglobber asses in there. Of course they did not. They wanted to move the table somewhere else making it almost impossible for me to walk around them, but sure. Whatever makes my customers happy is what I want. Uh huh. They also tipped me $7.00 on $62.00. Assholes. I hope they get a touch of melanoma from their three minutes in the bright sun.

Another time a lady freaked the fuck out because she saw a rat on the sidewalk. It’s a sidewalk. In New York City. That is where they live. Be thankful the rat didn’t pull up a chair and order a bloody mary.

Another time a lady called me over because a gnat had flown into her mimosa and she wanted another glass. I personally think that drowning in a mimosa is a pretty good way to go, but whatever. It’s a gnat. Who cares? Fish it out and continue drinking. I read somewhere once that we eat about a pound of bugs a year and don’t even know it because they get in our food all the time. She didn’t like that factoid. I took her mimosa inside and pulled the bug out of her drink with my impeccably clean hands. I then poured her drink into a new glass and gave it back to her. She should have been more specific and asked for another drink and not just another glass.

I hate working on the patio.

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7 thoughts on “Patio A Go-Go

  1. Anonymous

    How about when they insist on sitting outside, even though the wait is 45 minutes, instead of being seated inside immediately, finally get outside, and start sending things back that they already ate because there were flies on their food? There are fuckin flies outside!!! Sit at your own risk! No you can't move back inside because it's too hot after you insisted on patio seating. There's no room and you can't bring in all the FOOD YOU ALREADY ORDERED AND STARTED EATING inside to a different section with a different server. I hate the inside/outside people!—Hateful Hostess

  2. Molly Malone

    People complain about the craziest shit! When I was a server (loooong time ago), a customer complained because his food was too hot. Wha? The fucker would have complained if it was too cold… who did he think he was, Goldilocks? These are the people who compile a list of complaints in case they ever meet God…


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