Dear Bitchy Waiter,
I am sixteen weeks pregnant and couldn’t be happier. Well, except for one thing…I never realized how rude people really are. I was raised to believe if you don’t have something nice to say, then don’t say it. Since I pretty much stick to those words I have been able to avoid people’s harshness. Yet now that I am showing and more people know, everyone seems to be a freakin’ obstetrician. For instance I am not getting enough of that, or eating the proper amount of this and how so many babies are born with birth defects because of eating non-organic food. Yeah, I would love to eat all organic foods if I could afford it. Plus, last week my husband actually had to throw a glass of wine in this guys face for harping about how horrible the name we picked out for our baby to be is. It’s a family name for crying out loud. Now I know since you’re male you might be thinking how the hell should I know lady but, I love the way you deal with humans. If you can give me any advice at all I would greatly appreciate it.
Sincerely,
One Annoyed Prego
Dear Annoyed Prego,
First off, congratulations on your upcoming bundle of joy. I absolutely love children and invite you to bring your weeks old baby to my station anytime where I will coo over it and shower it with affection. Being male, I have not had the pleasure of being pregnant and while I do not have children of my own, I can still appreciate what you are going through. You are right. People have no problem sticking their big ass noses all up in somebody else’s beeswax. I bet they feel it is perfectly acceptable to rub your stomach too, right? I just don’t understand how some people can be so unaware of their rudeness, carelessness and thoughtless behavior (and before Anonymous jumps in and calls me out, I am aware of my rudeness, carelessness and thoughtless behavior.) I applaud your husband for throwing a glass of wine in the man’s face who disliked the name you chose for your offspring. The man deserved it, unless the name you chose was some dumb ass moniker like Paris, Hamburger, Apple, Moon Unit, Brooklyn, Vagisilia, Gyne Lotrimin or Kathie Lee Gifford. In the future when someone says something to you that you feel is inappropriate, I would suggest you do the following. Simply respond (in your best hillbilly accent) with, “I’s just a hopin’ that it comes out with ten fingers and ten toes! Ya see, I done got pregnant with my brother. But I shure does love my brother so it’s all good.” That ought to shut ’em up. And when someone wants to rub your belly, might I suggest you electrocute them with a cable that you have wrapped around your waist? You can surely do this by installing some kind of electric fence apparatus that you can pick up at your local home improvement store. The folks at home Depot are very helpful and they will be more than willing to assist you so that you can figure out a way to shock other people while not shocking yourself. Or your unborn child.
Good luck, Annoyed Prego! And thanks for your question.
Love,
the Bitchy Waiter
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*B*
Oh what I love is AFTER you have the baby & you go through that period of BLOATED.. & people can't think twice before asking you when the baby is due. Once I was out with the girls when I was asked this question…I just smiled, told them December & tipped back my martini glass. Loved the looks I received in response. =)
Maria
Love it! And I actually know someone who named her daughter Paris. Not a FRIEND of mine, you understand – the relative of a friend. We call the child anything but: D.C., Lisbon, London, Brussels, Santiago, Copenhagen, Nairobi…
Watergirl
The advice and whatnot is annoying, but those people USUALLY mean well. I found a work-around for the whole "touch my child and I'll break your fingers" moments. I sewed a piece of light mesh, see-through material to the top of the stroller cover (the part that goes over the child's head) and put snaps on both sides of the stroller, making a little canopy of sorts. The kids could see out, people could see in and yet they couldn't touch them. Quick, easy and inexpensive to do.However, during both of my pregnancies, I always dreaded the "tummy rub". It's my body. Get your filthy hands off me. The only thing I found that really worked (for me) was to turn my body a bit away from people and I almost always made sure my hands were on my stomache. That way, if someone DOES try the dreaded "reach and pat", it's your own hands they're likely to touch.And seriously? Feel free to ask people not to touch you. It's your body. Not theirs. You can be nice and say it makes you uncomfortable or pull out the Germ-A-Phobe card.
Anonymous
Tonya, my dear, not everyone can be as cool as you are and survive annoying, moronic strangers telling them what to eat, or touching their belly, or asking how much weight you've gained.. We applaud you for your amazing ability to tolerate THE ELDERLY when they tell you what's good for you. Would you like us to follow your examples exactly? If so, a list of assisted living homes would be helpful so that every pregnant woman in the US can go apply.
Tonya
Wow! When I was pregnant I worked as a secretary in an assisted living community and so I had dozens of old women daily discussing what I should eat and how much weight I'd gained. And you know what? It was annoying and I survived. Get over yourself.
The Ranter's Box
Love you list of horrible baby names! xo The Empresshttp://rantersbox.blogspot.com
Jodi
at least no one tried to rub your belly when you weren't prego!! the outfit i was wearing made me look i had a bump and someone assumed i was carrying a little one in there. hmm – nope!
Mama Sky
Im not a touchy feely person and during my 1st pregnancy I worked full time and when a customer would come over Id try to pretend I didnt realize they were about to touch my belly- by turning away to do something. The worst was when a guy who kept hitting on me despite my prego state would reach out and try to rub my belly and if I backed away he "accidentally" would have his hand cupped and behind me to grab my ass. I solved this eventually by throwing a scoop of dead fish at his face when he did it one to many times (worked in the pet department at a feed store)Just wait till the baby is born then strangers wil try to touch your baby and spread there nasty germs onto them. I made a sign and takes it to the stroller/baby carrier telling them to back off. Apparently not many people can read so I resorted to bringing our dog with me and he was trained not to allow strangers near the baby or me.
Mary A.
All she has to say is:"Thank you for your kind advice. Do you have a cigarette? I haven't had one in hours. I'm DYING!"Don't know if it will solve anything. I just think that's a funny thing to say.
Anonymous
Actually Bitchy, I loved this post, having had a lot of these same issues while pregnant, I found them quite funny. :)When ever I sensed someone was about to touch my belly, I quickly blocked their hand. You should have seen the looks on some people's faces. hehe
matt
I would suggest that the next time a stranger reaches out and touches your belly, you reach out and touch there's at the same time.I worked when my wife was pregnant.