By now you may have heard of my hero of all heroes who decided that he needed Calgon to take his ass away immediately. A Jet Blue fight attendant had words with a passenger who started to remove his luggage from the overhead bin before the aircraft had come to a complete and final stop. The Waitress of the Sky known as Steven Slater told the douchedbag customer to sit his ass down since the captain had presumably not turned off the fasten your seat belts sign. Of course the customer was full of self importance and ignored the rules. When his luggage hit the steward(ess) on the head, all hell broke loose up in that cabin. According to legend, (because this is what it will always be to me, just like Paul Bunyan and his Big Blue Ox), my hero went up to the PA system and cursed this bitch out and then said that twenty years in the airline business was enough. He grabbed a beer, said, “It’s been great” and then made the coolest and bitchiest exit ever in the history of quiting a job. He activated the emergency slide and slid his ass outta there and drove his ass home. Steven: next time you do this call me. I will come and get you in a white stretch limo and there will be buckets of champagne chilling in the back seat. The floorboard will be covered with rose petals and Queen will be singing “We Are the Champions” as we motor out of JFK in style. All service employees will salute you as we make our way to the Canyon of Heroes for your ticker fuckin’ tape parade.
I have quit jobs before but this air hostess knows how to do it right. In the future when I decide to leave a job, the bar has been set so incredibly high by this modern day customer service hero that it may be impossible to surpass. As I face my first day back to waiting tables after a nine week hiatus, I am considering bringing my own emergency evacuation slide with me to work. I want one real bad. I can see it now. As I stand over booth five waiting for an ancient old lady to decide if she wants sparkling water, flat water or to just give up on living altogether, I pull the rip cord and grab a Cosmo. As the slide opens in a matter of seconds the sheer force of it knocks the old lady back into 1922. She then orders a Sarsaparilla float and starts to do the Charleston as I slide my ass outta there and live happily ever after. This, unlike our Steven Slater who was arrested a short while later and may have to go to jail for his drama queen ways. I doubt it though. I think any judge would be like “A for effort, but don’t you do it again. Now get outta here, you crazy kid and don’t let me catch you in here again.” He probably lost his job for this stunt but I say write a book about it and sell the movie rights to Lifetime or Logo. Or at the very least, become a Deity so I have someone to pray to every night.
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