Several weeks ago on a post about comments someone suggested that I “grow up, have a family and write about something that matters.” I wrote about The Frazzled But Happy Stay-at-Home Mom and I got a real kick out of it. Since I am not waiting tables right now (full time actor, you know…) I thought it would be a good time to have entry #2 from that adorable housewife.
Heavens to Betsy, dear readers! This day has been full of surprises and I am so behind on my housework that I shouldn’t be writing at all today, but I couldn’t resist so here I am. LOL. I awoke this morning at 4:52 (a whole eight minutes before my alarm was set to go off!) to Suzy Lou climbing into bed with me because she had a bad dream. Or as she says it, “bad dweam” which sounds so cute that it brings tears to my eyes. Thank goodness last night was not a night that Hubby shares a bed with me or he would have been so cross if he would have woken up three hours before he needed to. He was in his bedroom/office/study/man cave and sound asleep. (Note to self: I must remind him to give me a key to that door today because I have not dusted in there for days and days and he probably has clothes all over the place that need washing.) I asked Suzy Lou what her “dweam” (LOL) was about and she said she only remembered that it was about her being in ballet class without her tutu and all the other little girls were making fun of her. How horrible for her, poor dear. I dreamed once that I was at the grocery store looking through my coupon wallet when I realized that I was in nothing but my slip and pantyhose and my hair was in curlers! It was awful and I woke up embarrassed. I tucked Suzy Lou into bed with me and the little angel was asleep within two minutes. I got up at 5:00, grabbed my list of chores and got to work. After ironing Hubby’s clothes (I love you, Sweetie if ur reading this, LOL), making his lunch, baking bread for his breakfast toast, and picking blueberries for his oatmeal, it was time to take a bath, set my hair and do my make up so that by the time he woke up at 8:00 I looked like how he likes to see me: fresh and clean and as pretty as the day we met. (By the way, have I told you that story before?? He saw me in a beauty contest he was judging for and asked me on a date the day after I got second place. The girl who won first was named Veronica. She went out on one date with Hubby the night before the beauty contest. She was very popular. She went out on one date with each of the three judges but I guess things didn’t work out for her, because one date was all she ever got with each of them. And they all took her to a drive-in movie to see the same movie three nights in a row! Hubby still sees her once a week because she has had a hard life and he feels like he can give her good advice. Isn’t he the bestest?? So sweet and giving. I wuv you! She may have won the beauty contest but I won my Husband! LOL.)
Oh dear, look how much time I spent writing about Hubby when I meant to be telling you all about how my washer broke down today and I had to wash everything by hand in the sink. My poor hands, LOL!! Never fear though. I will make sure I put Vaseline on them tonight and sleep with gloves on so that by tomorrow when it’s time to give Hubby his weekly massage, my hands will be just as soft as a baby’s bottom. The last time that my hands were too rough he took away half my allowance. I didn’t know how I was going to pay for groceries that week but I dipped into my secret stash of dollars that I keep in the cookie jar on top of the refrigerator. (Don’t read that, Hubby, okay? LOL. I wuv you so so much. And if you are reading this please tell Veronica that I said hello when you see her tonight and I hope things pick up for her, the poor thing. And I won’t wait up.)
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NightMary
Dear anonymous- you're fucking weird. Why's that? The rest of the world does not give a shit that your probably way cooler neighbors woke up your screaming brats. Why would that even have a bit of a difference as to whether or not you can write a sentence? Btw, if you're who I think you are, please, for the rest of us, stop taking your kids to any public places. We're sick of seeing them rip shit out of the shelves at stores and hearing them demon-screech because you're, as always, ignoring them.
Miranda Mayer
OMG, she's boring me to death. Why not turn her into an alcoholic and have her enjoy some indiscretions with the Maytag repairman?
Danielle Kirrane
Love this!!! I have been reading your posts for a few days now and I love them all. This one is HILARIOUS and Anoynmous @12:06pm should shut the hell upppppp!
Donda
"your lame" totally makes sense if you are owning your lameness 🙂
CaliSunshine
Omg! amazing job BW! screw moms like that (cause she obviously isnt getting any from her husband :P) and 2nd annonymous. after Name:female not even with a capital F. I shit you not, learn the right type of "you're" because "your lame" makes no sense… this is why so many stay at home moms are looked down upon. It's not because they have to deal with kids (props for that btw), but It's because they dont further their education… obviously you didnt make it past 5th gradexoxo,calisunshine
Jayna
OMG, I'm a SAHM and this was fucking awesome!!! I love your blog, it kicks ass.
Ela
I wuv you, bitchy waiter! LOL!!
Anonymous
martha, learn how to spell stupid. <3 anonn 12:06
Anonymous
woops, you're. lol sorry, my kids woke up crying from our loud neighbor's music. 🙂 and you're still lame.
Nimita
I'm a newbie blog reader and I'm glad urs is one of the few I stumbled upon first… mommy blogs??? wtf! like those creepy cat-blogs… aauuuggghhh… waiter-blogs are awesome, tho!
Emily
Awesome. I burst out laughing at your perfect use of the word "cross." It was the bestest ever! LOL.
Donda
@Anon12:06-Personally, I think SAHMs feel inferior because of contestant #1, Veronica! And before anyone wants to talk smack, I am a SAHM and I do not press my man's underbritches…he's lucky he gets that shit washed!!!
The Bitchy Waiter
Anon 12:06, don't make me write a blog about you and how you don't know the difference between your and you're. I'm the one who is lame?
martha
anon 1206:your stoopid.
Mama Sky
I loved it!! You should definitely keep this going. Wonder what would happen if she ran into her husband and veronica at a motel… http://skyfeathers.blogspot.com
Plantress
I'm with you. I'd rather read a real blog that has it's snarky comments and ups and downs than most of this mommy shit. To be yourself is to be brave!
Experimental Charlie
Damn, you stole a page from my diary. I hope in the next installment you include portions of how naughty and secretive she can be: she just has to do what the school principal tells her to do for the betterment of her children education. *wink, wink*
Maria
Hilarious!
The Back Nine
@Drewcifer: The "Mommy blogs" make my skin crawl. I can only imagine what the world would have thought of my mother and I had there been internet access in the 1970's and 80's. We have a few silly pictures and some old stories that get told at family gatherings…thankfully that's it. To think that these kids will grow up with what amounts to a digital scrapbook (in the public domain) detailing everything their creepy ass mother uploads…scares me to no end….and to the person who told you "Get a life and have a family….add them to the list of people I can't stand…you know, the "I-live-vicariously-through-my children-because-I-had-such-a fuc*ed up-childhood-and-I-exist-on this-earth-for-no-reason-other-than my-spouse-and-kids"Great blog, btw.
Elizabeth
You have a wicked wit and a sharp pen. I've been in the food industry and you are sickly dead on. And now the housewife? Sadly, dead on as well. I'm posting a story about the same at http://www.afacebookstory-oneclickaway.blogspot.com.I hope you will take a peek. Keep writing.
The Ranters Box
I've said it before and I'll say it again, you never fail to bring a smile to my day. …You are definitely on to something here with the frazzled housewife. This would so make a great TV show. I want to be your agent!!xo The Empress
A
I love this…when you have time it would be hilarious if there was a theme song 🙂
tastyskull
golly gosh and bless your cotton socks! that was hilarious.If you want to start another side-project-sometimes-blog-entry, I suggest the 'seeking God' type. The number of times I come across those ones… Maybe I should post the same comment that you were lucky enough to recieve on those blogs, and they could possibly start blogging about, I don't know, prostitution or devil worshipping…?But anyway, kudos for you for being creative enough to let everyone else have a laugh over someone elses small-mindedness.
Anonymous
hahahaha. ok that was funny, I am a stay at home mom… but it is nothing like that. I treat my husband with love and respect and he does the same for me. Do you find something wrong with women who stay home with their children? Would the worth of a woman mean more to you if she was out working while someone else raised her kid(s)? This kind of stuff is what makes SAHM's feel inferior to other women, when in reality their jobs are a lot harder! Your LAME!
Anonymous
I love this!
Name: female, not even with a capital F. I shit you not!
She's a winner!He's a looser !A marriage made in heaven. ;0)More…More……..More
Drewcifer
Bravo! I can't stand those "Mommy Blogs" either! And there's a million of them!
Star Daley (Leslie)
I can actually see this as a bizarre HBO sitcom…maybe you could write and star in it as well? I was a SAHM, but thank the Goddess I maintained my sanity!
建宗穎彰
No one knows the weight of anothers burden. ............................................................
Super Single Mom and Her Side Kids
I used to be a stay at home mom and I am cracking up at your post! Very funny and sorta true. If I could be a SAHM again I would do it, but there has to be a balance. Life is not all about your children and your husband because one day he will dump your ass for some 21 year old that he met on the internet! LOL Yeah, I learned that lesson the hard way!!
Anonymous
I think I peed a little…yep, now I'm sure of it! Soooo funny.
Anonymous
spoken like a true smartass!
Donda
I love this and I hope you keep the series going!!!
J9
ok, would be funnier if I didn't read this type of crap all the damned time…
~Beth~
Ohh god, if my life ever was even slightly that unfulfilling and mediocre, I'd probably hang myself.Long time lurker, first comment. Love the blog!
Terra
haha her husbands cheating on herlove it
Mary A.
OK THIS is more like it!The last one was so like some of my stay-at-home-mom friends (or SAHMs, as they call themselves), it was eerie!
Beatles and Booze
I love how people will read blogs that they don't like and then post their feelings about it. Why don't they just stop reading it? I do it all the time…especially if the post starts out as, "check out my link from Fox news…" or "pictures of sarah's first dance recital" Seriously, I love your blog! You nail the exact emotions of a food service worker. Thanks for all the laughs!
LeAnn Streetman
this just made my day!! hilarious.
goldNboi7
I'm gonna go ahead and be the one to say it: where can I get one of those women? Do they make them anymore?
Nataly Mor
I know this is a made up story, but is it wrong that I just want to wring her pretty little neck?
Levonne
Congrats on being an actor fulltime right now! Love your post. You really are talented.
Kalei's Best Friend
definitely a Leave It To Beaver mom
Erica
This post made my day. From the baking and blueberry picking to the lack of bed sharing and the husband's out-of-house exploits, this is high quality entertainment.
MK
LOL! 😛 You take criticism so well! This is one hilarious housewife! LOL!