Bitter, Party of One? Your Table is Ready

Within a few short days, I will be back to waiting tables. As I typed that just now, a tear fell onto my keyboard and I heard a one-eyed waitress laughing at me from far far away. For the past few weeks I have been okay with feeling like and actor and then being on vacation and not having any waiter nightmare sweats. But by this time next week, I will be ironing my uniform and practicing my fake smile. I need to sprinkle some Pristiq on my Cheerios and take an extra heaping helping dose of Paxil in order to fight a severe case of the sads… Here are a few things I am not looking forward to:

  • carrying ice that is not part of my cocktail
  • eating hummus while squatting behind the bar so no one see me
  • having to ask if Pepsi is alright when someone orders a Coke
  • scraping wax from a table because a lady thought her ass was small enough to squeeze into a booth but it wasn’t and she knocked over a candle
  • trying to remember what a regular orders because I don’t even recall that shit when I don’t have 9 weeks off
  • trying to remember what my number is to log into the computer. (seriously, Tom…what is it?)
  • standing in front of a computer that has no internet access or porn because it is only good for placing drink orders
  • serving cocktails while other people are performing and trying to remember that the applause is not for me
  • saying I am a waiter
  • explaining where I have been over and over again to people who don’t really care, they just want their fucking drink
  • wearing long sleeved shirts
  • wearing long pants
  • wearing socks

There are a few things I am looking forward to:

  • my after shift cocktail
  • seeing my co-workers
  • my after shift cocktail
  • tips and cash in my pocket
  • my after shift cocktail
  • being home again
  • my after shift cocktail
  • having new stories to bitch about on this fucking blog
  • my after shift cocktail

Can you think of anything else that will make me feel better about slapping the apron back on? Please help me. I am trying really hard to not be all dpressed and shit.

25 thoughts on “Bitter, Party of One? Your Table is Ready

  1. CaliSunshine

    mannix: 2nd? ha! try 8th :)and dont worry babydoll, if going back to work sucks as much as going back to school does then… well, we have people and situations to bitch about to the adoring crowds :P. and btw, the your would have been hillarious if you had mentioned it before. but never fear! anyone as funny as you deserves a break. Btw, for some reason i was day dreaming and one of the dreams went like this: my friend was wearing one of the bitchy waiter shirts and she and I ran into you on the street. You said "Pretty sexy," to my friend and she looks at you, turns around and says "you think so?" and you say "I know so." Then you whisper to your friend as you walk away, "I was talking about the shirt 😉 "… thought i would share 🙂 you have some serious bitchitude… even in day dreams 😛 xoxo,calisunshine

  2. Guy

    Practice accents for character parts. Tell your regulars you have to do it for a part your being considered for on a new TV show Jerry Seinfeld is developing. They will majorly suck up to you if they think you're gonna be on TV.

  3. Aileen

    I had one of those "certain commenters" too, until I made my blog private and kicked her off the island.I'm 'shamed that I picked a nit with you then wrote "pur" when I meant "our."

  4. The Frisky Virgin

    "having to ask if Pepsi is alright when someone orders a Coke" Every time I order a soda, I always say, "7Up or Sprite, whichever one you have," or "Coke or Pepsi, whichever one you have." Money in your pocket is a sure positive. Lots of great stories to tell on your blog is a benefit, too. Hopefully knowing your readers are cheering you on and looking forward to reading all of your new stories will help a little as well. 🙂

  5. The Bartender

    whenever someone asks me "what else I do" I make up ridiculous shit like I'm working on my Ph.D in astrophysics or I just do this to save money to study chimps in Uganda. It's hilarious what people will go for. You should say you work with one armed children or some shit. OH and sometimes I pretend like I don't speak english or can't hear.

  6. Mama Sky

    You can look forward to secretly taking sips out of customers drinks when no one is looking.Blatantly lying to customers who are idiotsDrinking your During shift drink LOLDrinking before your shift starts– Good Luck

  7. Levonne

    Just keep writing! That will get you through it. You're are a genuine artist. Drop by Levonne's Pretty Pics and A Camp Host Housewife's Meanderings when you have a few minutes. I'd love to hear what you think of my newer work.

  8. The Ranters Box

    Another thing to look forward to is having the flexibility/time to find yourself an agent for your future book/TV show — so that you can finally get the F*ck up out that apron!… Oh, and those after shift COCKTAILS!! xo The Empress

  9. Erica

    Even though serving assholes is no fun, I did enjoy talking about how much they pissed me off. And the rare opportunities when the customer is so bad, the cook joins in and fucks with their food.

  10. MK

    Um, I dunno. What about:1. Hitting on hot customers/ waitresses (or at least having eye candy)2. Annoying customers on purpose?And don't feel sad! Your blog is awesome and has cheered me up on a number of sad days 🙂


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