The 4th of July Sucks (If You’re at Work)

I chose that image because I am a child of the 70's.

I chose this image because I am a child of the 70’s.

Today is the day that sucks the most to work in a restaurant because everyone in the country is out celebrating the independence of our nation by grilling hot dogs, eating watermelon, drinking beers and blowing off their fingertips with fireworks. So many restaurants refuse to close today because they think that someone might want to come in and order a burger instead of having one they cooked for themselves with their family. No one ever does. It’s one of the slowest days of the year and what makes it even shittier is that in the food service world, holiday pay is virtually unheard of. So if you get scheduled to work on July 4th, you can count on making about ten bucks and missing out on any and all bar-b-q’s that you have been invited to. So in case you are at work today, here are a few things you can do to help pass the time since you probably won’t have any customers:

  • use the ketchup and mustard to create fireworks patterns on the table tops.
  • take a handful of cocktail straws (red and white ones) and design your very own personal United States flag.
  • use blue curacao, grenadine and cream to come up with some special patriotic cocktail. Feel free to experiment. A lot. If all else fails, drink vodka.
  • put Splenda, Sweet and Low and Sugar packets into an empty milk carton and then suspend it from the ceiling. Hit the carton with a broom handle until it bursts open and call it your Fourth of July piñata.
  • find the oldest bottle of ketchup in the restaurant. (You can identify it by the bubbles on the inside of the bottle.) Place it in the sun and wait for it to explode. Fireworks.
  • place sour cream on your nose and pretend it is sunscreen and you are at the beach.
  • stand next to the grill in the kitchen and imagine that you are on your deck standing in front of your own bar-b-q pit.
  • open up all the brown sugar in the restaurant and pour it on the floor. Take off your shoes and take a walk “on the beach.”
  • gather a handful of tomatoes and go to the roof. Throw them onto the parking lot to mimic the fireworks that you will be missing.
  • put a handful of peppercorns in your mouth and have your own watermelon seed spittin’ contest.
  • stick a feather in your hat and call it macaroni.
  • click here to order my book.

Happy Fourth of July.



15 thoughts on “The 4th of July Sucks (If You’re at Work)

  1. Victoria

    I work in a fine dining restaurant, we send out bogo entree coupons on “slow” holidays to lure in the cheapest people on the face of the earth, never tip on the original always the discounted amount…. the worst

  2. Andrew

    I deliver pizza on the weekends ans I had the same problems on Father’s Day. everyone was cooking out and not eating out/ordering pizza.

  3. ~Tarlah

    turkeyradio:It's an image, from the top text to the bottom text.——————————You're amazing as always, Bitchy Waiter. Thank you!~TarlahNote: I apologize for the wonky comment above. I tried to edit/change a setting, and didn't pay attention to the fact that "delete" does not equal "edit". It's 4am and my brain went to the Bahamas for the holiday, but forgot to book a seat for my body. 🙂

  4. Sara

    I had to work today…we killed the time by lighting sparklers on the roof and then ordering huge steaks from outback (I work at an-IHOP esque place and our steak is fucking disgusting.) and eating them in the dining room, since NO ONE EVER GOES OUT TO EAT ON THE FOURTH OF JULY.And that shit about not getting any holiday pay is bullshit too; thanks Ronald Regan for getting rid of time and a half on every holiday AND every sunday. Everytime I work Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and the Fourth of July, I want someone to take a piss on your grave.thanks for addressing this, bitchy waiter.

  5. queen_carley

    This might be the best post I've read so far. I agree SO MUCH with that. Staying open on the fourth of july is like staying open on thanksgiving: everyone is eating their own food! WTF??!Well done.

  6. Chrissy

    I think if people realized what the 4th of July stood for, they wouldn't be at restaurants or at the grill feeding their faces…the 4th is NOT about barbeques or feeding ones faces…

  7. zeebee

    This post reminds me of something one of our grill guys does on the overnights (oh yeah baby, we're open 24-7!), he impersonates burger vans and gyros places, putting on an accent and scooping up your burgers the way they do. I'm pretty sure it's against our health regulations, but hey, if you're eating take out at midnight, you can't expect it to be any good.


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