Inspiration from Lindsay Lohan

I am not a fan of the Lindsay Lohan. Anyone who is handed a career on a silver platter like she was and then throws it aside gets absolutely no respect from me. I don’t really care that her ass is going to the pokey for 90 days or that her film work is in the toilet. It makes no difference to me, because I don’t go see her movies and the only reason I ever know about her in the first place is because the media shoves it down my throat. Really, CNN? Breaking news? (Full disclosure: I don’t watch CNN. I watch E! News Daily, Entertainment Tonight, The Insider and read every trashy Hollywood blog out there.) Perhaps you saw her crying in court yesterday and constantly wiping tears away with her well-manicured hand. But have you heard what was written on one of her fingernails? A teeny tiny “fuck u” right there on her middle finger. Is it possible that the waste of space known as Lindsay Lohan has inspired me to decorate my own cuticles with similar writings? It could be like a subliminal message every time I hand a customer a drink. I want to reach into my desk drawer right now and pull out my finest fine point Sharpie and go to town on every single fingernail. Get ready customers, because starting tomorrow, my fingernails have a message for you:

  1. tip me
  2. hurry up
  3. no lemons
  4. no hot tea
  5. no substitutions
  6. 25%
  7. ur dumb
  8. www.thebitchywaiter.com
  9. not listening 2 u
  10. as soon as I get home I am going to write a blog post about you because it is the only way I can get through my day without reaching across the table and strangling you with my apron strings.

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I want two things: a shift drink and your email address!

Someday, if I ever get my act together, I might send out a weekly newsletter about the wonderful goings on of the restaurant industry. Or maybe I won't.Β