Ahh, New Jersey, How Do I Love Thee?

My first day back to work after three weeks off was as special as I had hoped it would be. I got a ten top from New Jersey who wanted separate checks. Ten. Separate. Checks. What the fuck, New Jersians? New Jerseyites? What in the hell do they call themselves anyway? There are New Yorkers and Texans but what are people from New Jersey? For now, I’ll just call them assholes. I convinced the assholes to find a partner so I could give them five checks instead of ten and they were okay with that, but fuck they were on my nerves. The women looked like rejects from The Real Housewives of Poor White Trash New Jersey. They had come all the way into the big city to live it up in my station.

One lady wanted a glass of wine. “Hmmm, do you have white zinfandel?” Why was I not surprised at that request? “Yes, ma’am, we do. Is that what you’d like?” She tilted her head to think about it and as she tilted it, I was pretty sure I could see part of her brain slipping out of her left ear trying to escape and see the light of day. “That’s like a rosé, right?” It isn’t, but I told her it was pink and she was satisfied. When I brought it out, she told me she had an idea. This is what it looks like when someone stupid has an idea. Do the following: tilt your head, purse your lips, raise your eyebrows and inhale all at once. Did you do it? Do it again. This is what she did and then said, “bring me a drop of seltzer, a drop of ice and a lemon wedge. I’m gonna make me a wine spritzer.” After she farted out that idea she looked around for validation like she thought someone would bestow the Pulitzer upon her for such brilliance. She thought she just invented the wheel. Instead, she had just reaffirmed that I hated her.

Another lady wanted a bite to eat. “Maybe I want hummus.” But she pronounced it who-miss. This is the conversation she had with herself and the people around her who pretty much ignored her. “Do I want whomiss? I dunno. Honey, do I want whomiss? Would you eat whomiss if I bought a whomiss. I dunno if I want whomiss or not. Do I like whomiss? Would anyone wanna split a whomiss wid me if I bought a whomiss? I think I wanna try the whomiss.” She ordered the whomiss. But first, “Are the pita chips fried? They aren’t fried, are they because I don’t want fried.” I assured her that we do not fry the pita chips. Which is true. All we do is open up a bag of pita chips. Maybe someone else fries them, but we surely don’t.

They ended up tipping me pretty well and they all ordered their two drink minimum. When they left, their glasses had huge lipstick smears on them and the air wreaked of spray tan and Britney Spears’ Curious Eau de Parfum available at K-Mart for $20.64. I was back at work. Life was good.

And seriously, what do people from New Jersey call themselves? And people from Massachusetts too while you’re at it.

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28 thoughts on “Ahh, New Jersey, How Do I Love Thee?

  1. GORE

    “what do people from New Jersey call themselves”

    Whatever they want! It’s like like anyone else CARES.

  2. Anonymous

    This is hilarious! Iam originally from Upsate NY live in Texas and have travelled the US extensively and I have to say there are good people and jerks everywhere!There are definitely Texasses too!

  3. Anonymous

    i'm a jersey girl & thats what i call myself…i'm also a waitress & bartender & i can tell you that having to deal with the people from new york & staten island is a thousand times worse than anyone from here. well, except maybe the north jersey people lol. they think the world revolves around them…like they're the only customer in the whole place. and they love to throw their money around on everything BUT the tip. its awesome, let me tell you…

  4. Kelly

    Indeed, bartender. I showed him this post with the comments and he was mad that I didn't just say he was from NYC. He likes to leave out the Staten Island part.@bamazalea:I've been informed that the proper terms are guidos and "gumadas," which evidently is slang for mistress or girlfriend but has a negative connotation. Oh, the things this Ohio girl has learned from the Italian NYC-dweller.

  5. Keda

    masochists, maybe. People from New Jersey might be Jerseys, or pullovers or cardigans. I'm a geek, ok. Our whole country is filled with people like that (not geeks, Jerseys). I am like a national outcast for not liking sport, meat or boere-musiek (folk music??). And of course, preferring to read a good book instead of guzzling down liters of bear.

  6. alexa.

    Ooh, I'm from New Jersey. Here's what we call ourselves — anything else. The "coolest thing" is to be from somewhere else. Preferably a big city. (Not my words.) Because let's face it, even people from New Jersey know it sucks.

  7. MK

    My sis uses the Britney Spears perfume. Half of the time I can't decide whether to sneeze or gag when she's in the room.

  8. bamazalea

    Aren't people from Jersey called Guidos and Guidettes? I watch too much reality television.and if anyone's interested people from Utah are called Utards…

  9. The Bartender

    Being from New Jersey, I can assure you we are referred to as The Most Awesome People You Will Ever Meet.@Kelly: Wait, your boyfriend's from Staten Island and he looks down on New Jerseyans? HA!If anyone cares, people from Michigan are called Michiganders.

  10. Melanie

    I have to be careful when I speak of Jersey as my husband is from there, but considering his mother is the real life equivalent of the mom from Everybody Loves Ray I can say that I wish there were a Jersey phrase that included "hole". If I hear "Let me tell you sumthin babay" ONE.MORE.TIME. I might leap from 'thinking' of murder to handcuffed to a prostitute who smells like Britney Spears' Curious. I am proud of the Jerseyians for tipping well…I found the cheap ones..but sometimes you find generous ones!!Word Verification: EMONAP – the nap you take after self-mutilation…being emo is exhaustive apparently

  11. Kelly

    My boyfriend will love this. He's from Staten Island and every time NJ is mentioned his face wrinkles into an expression of disgust he cannot control. I call it the "Jersey face."

  12. CrackedGem

    @California GirlWe actually proudly call ourselves Massholes! I've moved out of state but I grew up there and I most definitely am still a Masshole. =)

  13. Indigo Owl

    Massachusetts-Bay Staters, unless you're from Boston (Bostonian).New Jersey-New Jerseyans, or just Jerseyans.Kansas-KansansArkansas-ArkansansHope this helps. I love Google (:

  14. Chrissy

    omg, lucky you….maybe they were drunk when u waited on them? they sound as bright as the Real Housewives of NY… gotta love the Italian that didn't think she had a NJ accent.. her poor daughter had not a clue either… I bet they would as for cream w/their 'cawwwfee'..


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