My first day back to work after three weeks off was as special as I had hoped it would be. I got a ten top from New Jersey who wanted separate checks. Ten. Separate. Checks. What the fuck, New Jersians? New Jerseyites? What in the hell do they call themselves anyway? There are New Yorkers and Texans but what are people from New Jersey? For now, I’ll just call them assholes. I convinced the assholes to find a partner so I could give them five checks instead of ten and they were okay with that, but fuck they were on my nerves. The women looked like rejects from The Real Housewives of Poor White Trash New Jersey. They had come all the way into the big city to live it up in my station.
One lady wanted a glass of wine. “Hmmm, do you have white zinfandel?” Why was I not surprised at that request? “Yes, ma’am, we do. Is that what you’d like?” She tilted her head to think about it and as she tilted it, I was pretty sure I could see part of her brain slipping out of her left ear trying to escape and see the light of day. “That’s like a rosé, right?” It isn’t, but I told her it was pink and she was satisfied. When I brought it out, she told me she had an idea. This is what it looks like when someone stupid has an idea. Do the following: tilt your head, purse your lips, raise your eyebrows and inhale all at once. Did you do it? Do it again. This is what she did and then said, “bring me a drop of seltzer, a drop of ice and a lemon wedge. I’m gonna make me a wine spritzer.” After she farted out that idea she looked around for validation like she thought someone would bestow the Pulitzer upon her for such brilliance. She thought she just invented the wheel. Instead, she had just reaffirmed that I hated her.
Another lady wanted a bite to eat. “Maybe I want hummus.” But she pronounced it who-miss. This is the conversation she had with herself and the people around her who pretty much ignored her. “Do I want whomiss? I dunno. Honey, do I want whomiss? Would you eat whomiss if I bought a whomiss. I dunno if I want whomiss or not. Do I like whomiss? Would anyone wanna split a whomiss wid me if I bought a whomiss? I think I wanna try the whomiss.” She ordered the whomiss. But first, “Are the pita chips fried? They aren’t fried, are they because I don’t want fried.” I assured her that we do not fry the pita chips. Which is true. All we do is open up a bag of pita chips. Maybe someone else fries them, but we surely don’t.
They ended up tipping me pretty well and they all ordered their two drink minimum. When they left, their glasses had huge lipstick smears on them and the air wreaked of spray tan and Britney Spears’ Curious Eau de Parfum available at K-Mart for $20.64. I was back at work. Life was good.
And seriously, what do people from New Jersey call themselves? And people from Massachusetts too while you’re at it.