Anyone who has worked in a restaurant knows what a table tent is. They are the little menus that sit on a table that are more than likely sticky and covered with old crusted food because those little shits never get wiped down. Sure, it’s in our sidework to wipe them down every day, but no one ever does it. The table tent will tell you the specials of the day or some other bullshit information. Personally, I like a table that’s clutter free. It makes the restaurant look nicer and quite frankly it just means less crap for me to keep clean. When I worked at a diner, every table had a ketchup bottle, creamer, sugar caddie, jellies, table tent and a bowl of butters, not to mention the silverware and napkins. Too much crap. The place I work in now is more of a night club but it too has its own paraphernalia: table tent, candle, bev naps, an email sign up list and pen. It looks crowded.
The other day we had a performer who wanted to add some more shit to the table because I guess there was still a couple of square inches that weren’t accounted for yet and she wanted to make sure I had absolutely no place to put down drinks. She added a program for her show, business cards, raffle tickets and Gummi Bears that were poured into old prescription bottles. Yeah, I don’t get the significance either. But she didn’t just leave the Gummi Bears in the bottles. She also thought it was beneficial to spread them out all over the tables- like people are really gonna eat a piece of candy right off a cocktail table. By the time she was done, it looked like a clown had puked all over the whole damn place. Or maybe Rainbow Brite just got her period. The club seats 120 people so she made sure that every seat had all that crap at it even though there were only reservations for 60 people. That means that she put out 100% more crap than was necessary. I hate overachievers.
After the show, do you think she helped remove all the stuff she had put on the tables? Of course not. And have you ever tried to wipe away hundreds of Gummie Bears off a table? I don’t recommend it. They stick. Basically, each and every fucking Gummi Bear had to be picked up individually and it was a huge time suck. With no pay off. Maybe if she had a song called “Gummi Bears on the Tables” or “I Like Making Extra Work For Waiters” it would have made sense. But she didn’t. Bitch just stuck Gummi Bears on my tables for no good reason. I was never a fan of the Gummi Bear. And now I really hate them. All in favor of a bare table say “aye.” Aye.