Just Say No to Gummi Bears

Anyone who has worked in a restaurant knows what a table tent is. They are the little menus that sit on a table that are more than likely sticky and covered with old crusted food because those little shits never get wiped down. Sure, it’s in our sidework to wipe them down every day, but no one ever does it. The table tent will tell you the specials of the day or some other bullshit information. Personally, I like a table that’s clutter free. It makes the restaurant look nicer and quite frankly it just means less crap for me to keep clean. When I worked at a diner, every table had a ketchup bottle, creamer, sugar caddie, jellies, table tent and a bowl of butters, not to mention the silverware and napkins. Too much crap. The place I work in now is more of a night club but it too has its own paraphernalia: table tent, candle, bev naps, an email sign up list and pen. It looks crowded.

The other day we had a performer who wanted to add some more shit to the table because I guess there was still a couple of square inches that weren’t accounted for yet and she wanted to make sure I had absolutely no place to put down drinks. She added a program for her show, business cards, raffle tickets and Gummi Bears that were poured into old prescription bottles. Yeah, I don’t get the significance either. But she didn’t just leave the Gummi Bears in the bottles. She also thought it was beneficial to spread them out all over the tables- like people are really gonna eat a piece of candy right off a cocktail table. By the time she was done, it looked like a clown had puked all over the whole damn place. Or maybe Rainbow Brite just got her period. The club seats 120 people so she made sure that every seat had all that crap at it even though there were only reservations for 60 people. That means that she put out 100% more crap than was necessary. I hate overachievers.

After the show, do you think she helped remove all the stuff she had put on the tables? Of course not. And have you ever tried to wipe away hundreds of Gummie Bears off a table? I don’t recommend it. They stick. Basically, each and every fucking Gummi Bear had to be picked up individually and it was a huge time suck. With no pay off. Maybe if she had a song called “Gummi Bears on the Tables” or “I Like Making Extra Work For Waiters” it would have made sense. But she didn’t. Bitch just stuck Gummi Bears on my tables for no good reason. I was never a fan of the Gummi Bear. And now I really hate them. All in favor of a bare table say “aye.” Aye.

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39 thoughts on “Just Say No to Gummi Bears

  1. Wendy

    AYE! I was in hospitality for 15 years. Whenever I would manage a place, I would keep my tables practically bare- salt/ pepper/ napkin dispenser. All of the other crap could be brought out at the time of seating. You're right way to much clutter and way to much side work.The gummy bear thing would have pissed the living shit out of me. (Rainbow Bright's period- lol).Great writing!!!

  2. genevieve

    Aye Aye!So much pointless shit, that just blows straight off the tables in the wind anyway.I love your blog, I've actually just got home from a shift myself, these posts do make waitressing a lot more amusing knowing other people find it just as irritating at times!Genevievehttp://untilthedayirunaway.blogspot.com

  3. Brandy

    I used to be a waitress so yeah i hate little kids. The thing i used to hate the most is my boss would give the kids suckers, which they would convienently leave stuck to the tables. Fuck; try scrapping those off when your buisy and you have people waiting for tables… so aye to no gummi bears!!

  4. The Bitchy

    To all who want to know want kind of performance she was giving: she was a singer. That's all I want to say for the sake of anonymity. Never did get the Gummi Bear reference though. Thanks for reading. Loves it.

  5. JimNero009

    Aye! If I were to come and watch that show to find my table covered in gummy bears…I don't think I'd react well to it. Well done for cleaning it all up though, must have taken some patience!

  6. Crystal

    Wow, I can't believe she wasted that much money on gummi bears to just LEAVE them! And how many pills was she on that she could leave that many empty pill bottles to fill with gummi bears anyways?I found your blog on "blogs of note" by the way. It seems you are quite popular. And with the stories you come home with each day, you deserve to be up there on the blog lists. I'm recommending you to my friends 🙂 They will LOVE you.You remind me of the movie "waiting".

  7. B. Lumberg

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  8. by EmpyreanM

    HAHA… not laughing at the plight of the waiters, especially not you, BUT I have to relate to the whole cramming shit on a table thing. In NYC where I was last week, it was just impractical. We ended up not having enough room for food for two. Lame. And yet they offered us one of those liters of Pellegrino. It had nowhere to sit with our wine glasses already being there, not to mention just empty glasses that I thought they'd use for the wine service. The email list thing is hilarious. Casting THAT wide of a net that you assault the customers for contact info as they eat? That email list, just like the comment card that's there the ENTIRE time instead of coming in with the check… just more ephemera begging to be tagged on. The restaurant logo will be gettin a sharpie mustache.

  9. Shannon Hilson

    God, how disgusting! And how effin' weird. Just out of curiosity, what the hell kind of performance was she doing? I'm sure it's a waste of my energy, but I'm still trying to wrap my head around the "why" of the Gummi Bear/scrip bottle combination.

  10. One Hot Mess

    I would have wanted to force feed her those bears like that Fat Guy in the movie Seven. Get the funnel. Random Memory- I got thrown out of a movie theater on my first group date with my now husband (think six 15 yr olds) for starting a gummi bear war. Did you know that licking a gummi bear and throwing it is a "projectile" and apparently they are a bitch to clean off the screen. Who knew?

  11. Michigan girl

    I am a waitress. I know exactly how you feel. Why should we have to deal with people leaving excessive messes all over the table…And what about those sugar caddies? Those are supposed to get washed out ever week and after every shift you are supposed to count every single sugar in there to make sure it's the right amount. Yeah right! like I have that much patience and time. Great blog. loved it.

  12. Tasha

    Aye! Cleaning up after others has never been a party for me, especially when those others are irresponsible and snot nosed. If you ever see that performer again you should tell her about herself.

  13. goldNboi7

    I know there's nothing I like than a gummi bear that's been sitting out in the open in a bar…on a good day there's some spilled Tanqueray I can suck out of it, gummi bears absorb alcohol surprisingly well…Seriously though, that sucks that you had to clean it up…it was bad that you threw away the business cards, but all the bad karma that act earned you was negated by all the goodwill it took not to shove all those delicious candies right up her ass after the show…very noble of you to grin and gummi bear it lol

  14. Hefferwah

    A song called "Gummi Bears on the Tables" would be kind of awesome. Gummi Bears ARE useful for torture though…I used to put them to death at the guillotine and stick their gummy heads to the edge of my ice-cream bowl. Of course, with no ice-cream bowls the practice is pointless – gratuitous Gummis.

  15. Chrissy

    hmm as far as the scraped bears did u put them in a bag and deliver them to her? and say " btw u forgot these, next time clean up your own"

  16. Kathy

    How about the A-1 and ketchup bottles that are supposed to get rotated and never do? Not as bad as gummi bears everywhere, but still a pain. I feel for you having to clean that up!


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