I Need a Drink

We all have regulars who come in all the time and we welcome them with open arms and warm greetings. Unless of course they are really annoying and in that case you pray that they won’t sit at your table. I have been known to intentionally dirty my tables if I see someone coming into the restaurant that I don’t want to serve. Just run to the bus tub, grab some dirty dishes and throw them all over your station so they are forced to sit somewhere else. Is that so wrong? Well, last night I had one of my nice regulars. This guy comes in maybe two or three times a week and he’s pretty okay if not just a bit creepy. But just because he comes in up to three times a week does not mean that I serve him every time. I only work twice a week so chances are good that he will come in on one of my five days off. He sat down and looked at me like I should know what he wanted to drink. Now I have not served him for at least two or three weeks so I don’t fucking remember what he usually orders. And honestly if I would have served him the night before I probably wouldn’t have remembered anyway because I really try not to waste precious brain space memorizing orders. That’s what pens and paper are for. I ask him what he wants to drink and he gives me this little smirky ass grin like he can’t believe I have to ask. He batted his eyes (I totally think he is flirting with me but I refuse to admit that) and says all coy-like, “I’ll have a TP with no ice.” So I write down TP and wonder what the fuck it is. I didn’t want to ask him because he is minutely important and I think he is ordering his own special thing that the bartender will know about. A lot of these regulars get all bent out of shape if they have to remind you that they want rum and Diet Coke without fruit or an order of mixed nuts, but just a half order or a gin and tonic with a glass of water. I walk up to the bartender and ask if he knows what Joe Blow means when he says TP. Toilet paper? Technology Programming? Titty Poppers? I have no fucking clue. Of course the bartender has no idea either and I have to go back and ask him specifically what TP is. Joe Blow laughs and says, “I can’t believe you just wrote it down and left. I want tap water. Hardy har har snort snort har.” What a freaking comedian this guy is. He acts like he just made up the funniest joke in the history of time and Jerry Seinfeld better step aside real quick. (And I know Jerry Seinfeld is so not a current reference to stand up comics, but I hate stand up comics and he is the only one I know.) So then I look all stupid for trying to get him what he wants without having to question him and he’s just being a joker? TP=tap water. Hilarious. So I took him his TP but I put ice in it. Just to be a dick. I hope it didn’t bother his sensitive gums too much. When I brought a second TP later, I left the ice out and apologized for forgetting it the first time. But I didn’t forget. I was just being a joker.

Fucking regulars. Can’t live with ’em can’t spit in their TP. Or can you?

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I wait tables and bitch about it on my blog, The Bitchy Waiter.

6 thoughts on “I Need a Drink

  1. You folks are all sooo sweet to your customers. I don't play that game anymore, maybe when I was younger I would act all cute and giggle when someone ordered "TP" and I had to ask what that meant only to find out its Tap Water. These days I would totally look at the guy and say "Sir, what is TP?" and if he said "Tap Water" I would say "ok then, so let's try ordering it by name next time because I don't speak in initials."I have learned a few things in my 18 years of customer service. Sometimes people like to treat their servers like crap to see how far they can go….you can't go far with me dude. Your $$ doesn't mean that much and you came here to have a good time and have a good meal right? If you can't act politely to me then you will have a horrible evening, rest assured. Cold food, no refills, I will have a bad attitude, and if you REALLY piss me off I am going to run your steak across the counter before I put it on your plate AND DON'T THING I WON'T DO IT!!!RULE # 1 about restaurants-don't mess with the people who bring you food.So you may sit there and think "wow-she must not get many tips if she acts like that…" Well it is my experience if I give attitude or show that I am not happy the way someone is behaving in my section, I always end up getting a HUGE tip from them because they knew they were being an asshole. Its obvious because of my personality and how I treat other customers, I am super sweet and funny and outgoing but if you piss me off I am all about "What do you want? and Here is your bill."Just my two cents, hope it helps!!

  2. I love it. I was a brand new bartender and I was only 18 and some jackass orders a greyhound….so of course I run to the book to find out that it is vodka and grapefruit juice. He thought it was freaking hilarious and precieded to make fun of me for the rest of the night. Godbless my boss who promintly through his ass out and told him if he couldn't be nice to a young lady he had no business in his establishment…..God I miss Frank. First and only boss I ever worked for that I truly loved….he would have done anything for me. Where are those bosses/owners/managers now?

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