I Can’t Belive It’s Not Butter

let them eat butter

When we start a new job, we always find ourselves full of uncertainty and nerves. We worry about whether or not people will like us and will our co-workers be nice or not. It can be quite stressful and we depend on others to make us feel welcome in a new environment. When someone new comes into my restaurant, I always make sure I am part of the Welcome Wagon. I always introduce myself and offer to take them on a tour of the front and back of the house. I give them tips and pointers on how to make the computer system work for them and advise them which cooks are willing to help you out if you get in the weeds. Oh, who am I kidding? I don’t give a shit about new people. I wait at least a week before I invest any time with them because too many times people quit after two or three days and I realize I wasted two or three whole sentences on them. Some people like to play tricks on the newbies and one of the best happened when I worked at The Black Eyed Pea on West Grey in Houston, Texas.

At The Pea, we were responsible for making our own desserts so we had completes access to all of them at any time. One of our favorite snacks was to take two chocolate chip cookies and then make an ice cream sandwich using French Vanilla ice cream. Were we supposed to do that? Absolutely not. Did we do that? Every fucking day. So one day we decided to play a trick on some new guy. Tim made himself one of the ice cream sandwiches and then walked by the new guy while eating it and saying how delicious it was. Of course New Guy wanted to know what it was and if he could have one. “Sure,” said Tim. “Since you’re new let me make it for you. I’ll be right back.” Tim went to the cookie bin and pulled out two freshly re-heated not homemade cookies and then walked over to the ice cream freezer. And then walked past the ice cream freezer and went to the tub of whipped butter that we used for the biscuits and cornbread. He took a huge scoop of the butter and placed in between the cookies and smashed it together. Comparing the butter to the French Vanilla, the two desserts looked exactly the same. Off he bounds to New Guy to hand him his freshly made sweet.

“Thanks, you’re nice, “said New Guy.

“It’s what I do,” said Tim.

We watched with eager anticipation as New Guy moved the cookie and butter concoction towards his hungry hungry hippo hole of a mouth. He opened wide because Tim had filled that bitch up with butter. It was going to be a big bite. As he bit into it, the cookie crumbled and the butter oozed out of the sides of his mouth. His eyes registered surprise and then realization that he was now eating a cup of butter. Of course all us bitches laughed at him as he tried to decide whether or not to swallow that first bite or spit it out. He spit it out, laughed at himself and learned that he had been had. He thought he was now part of the Black Eyed Pea gang. He wasn’t and wouldn’t be until it was his turn to play the trick on the next New Guy. Until that time, he was the newbie and had to face the fact that another prank could be waiting for him at any time. It sucks being the new guy. But then again it pretty much sucks to be the old-timer too, so there you go. A two way tie for shitty.


I wait tables and bitch about it on my blog, The Bitchy Waiter.

5 thoughts on “I Can’t Belive It’s Not Butter

  1. Ah, the Houston area peas. Know a ton of people from several stores since my stepmom worked at various stores for a thousand years. I
    I’m still friends with people from there and the practical jokes were AMAZING. the rumor started that my friend had a 13 inch penis, although my favorites were telling new people to go sweep the patio outside and cackling while they walked in circles around our patio-less restaurant because I no longer have joy in my heart after being in the industry so long. Oh, and telling them to empty out the hot water from the coffee makers and coming back 15 minutes later, still pouring water into those cracked ass plastic things that always looked like they used to hold broken dreams before plastic wrapped vegetable portions. I know this is an old post, just discovered this thing a few days ago and it’s fucking amazing. <3

  2. once I told this idiot new girl that her sidework was to empty the hot water from the coffee maker. You know from the spout that will continuously make hot water. She emptied about 5 pitchers before asking how many pitchers it held. What an idiot.

  3. That's funny. We used to send the newbie to the basement for some sort of supplies no basement. Newbie wondering around looking for a door. Asking knowing staff that would send them to the back of the building then the front of the building. They had one going so long the bathroom was the only place left.

  4. Great prank. I think it's great to play pranks on newbies, helps to break them a bit, and show them you know, you work hard but we also play hard. I always play this prank, because my place has a huge alfresco area and every monday night our cleaners would bring out the high powered jet spray to clean the floor. BUT – I kept telling the newbie, "did you bring shorts and flip flops?" I'd get a "Whattt? look on their face. I'd always tell the newbie, yeah every monday, every roll's up their sleeves, puts some old shorts on and we spend 2 hours scrubbing the floors. Hahaha… Just seeing their face, and seeing them bringing in old jeans and flip flops to work just made my day. I'm evil like that. Hahah

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