What Would You Like in Your Coffee?

Now I don’t drink coffee, so maybe I just don’t “get it” but it seems to me that whether you put half and half or skim milk in your coffee, it wouldn’t make that big of a difference. Too many times, I have taken coffee to someone and they have a mini stroke when they find out I had the gall to bring them whole milk instead of heavy cream. Or half and half instead of skim milk. The simplest way for these people to avoid this horror of horrors is to just ask for what they want when they ask for their coffee. A simple “with skim milk” will work wonders. It saves me a trip back to the kitchen and it would save the customer from having to contort their face into a ridiculous expression when their brain tries to to wrap itself around the idea of possibly having whole milk. And it’s only a tablespoon anyway, right?

I looked up the difference in calories for various dairy products. Based on a tablespoon serving, heavy cream has 52 calories, half and half has 20, whole milk has 9 and skim has 5. Can someone please explain to me why some lady would freak the fuck out on me that I brought her whole milk instead of skim? It’s a difference of 4 fucking calories. It’s not like I tried to force feed her a Cinnabon cinnamon roll (730 calories) or something. When someone doesn’t specify, I will just bring whole milk. I figure that it’s sorta middle of the road and won’t make that big of a difference. Keep in mind that a lot of times the woman (it’s always a woman. Men don’t care) who can’t handle that tablespoon of whole milk in her coffee, is perfectly fine ordering a three egg omelette with bacon and cheddar but God forbid she has those four extra calories from the whole milk. And here’s a little secret about skim milk that surely happens in restaurants around the globe. If I only have whole milk and the customer really really wants skim milk, I will do whatever I can to please that customer. I want them to have their skim milk, I really do. Therefore, after much experimentation, I have learned that one part whole milk to one part tap fucking water produces the finest skim milk known to man in all the land. People don’t know the difference anyway. It’s like when this asshole asked me for a glass of milk once at the Marriott. He had already gotten way on my nerves, so I served him a glass of half and half. He drank it. All of it. I think when he left I heard him fucking say “moo.”
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13 thoughts on “What Would You Like in Your Coffee?

  1. Anonymous

    I can't stand cream in my coffee and prefer milk, simply for the taste. Sometimes I do forget to specify, but always ask politely for milk when the server brings me that godawful disgusting cream :/

  2. Anonymous

    Omfg I know like the 4 fricking calories they consume will require them to gave a gastric bypass !Gawwwwwwd I don't know how you just don't slap them in the face and tell them to FUCK OFF& drink a cup of tea low class biatches !!!Man you are too good to them and so F N funnnnieee man thanks for sharing the laffs. Kiki in Canada ( however I'm @ Atlantis right now )

  3. Melody

    I'm an avid coffee drinking, and I do prefer it a certain way. Certain types of milk/dairy products change the consistency. I don't really care about the calories seeing as coffee is a natural laxative and you'll shit it out probably before to much fat starts bundling around the torso. Really though if you want your coffee perfect, go to a coffee shop its about as simple as that.

  4. shmedelle

    Now, you did offer that you don't drink coffee. So, with all due respect, let me say that many coffee drinkers are picky not because they care so much about about calories, or because they just want to be a royal bitch, but because are just used to having their beloved coffee a certain way and anything else just tastes like hot water. Personally, I bring my own little creamers with me.

  5. Cielo Gold

    People who freak out over whole milk after having a high calorie meal are probably the same people who order a Diet Coke with their Big Mac and super size their fries. It doesn't make sense to me either.

  6. Anonymous

    agreeing w/ purplegirl. i had a lady once pick a fight with me b/c we didn't have low cal mayo. who the hell has that? SUBWAY DOES, she told me. then she should have gone to friggin subway!-steph

  7. purplegirl

    I hate that fucking rictus grimace people affect when we don't have juuuuust the right kind of milk, or when they find out we only have low fat ranch instead of fat free or whatever. If you're that particular, maybe you should just eat at home.

  8. Naseem

    I agree with you. It really is not a big deal whether the milk is whole or skim. There are times when a place only has whole milk it really is not the end of the world. I take what they have. Every time I read an entry I am always suprised that people make a big deal out of the smallest things.


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