While I was writing about the disgusting habits of the lemon, it brought to mind another item that is found in every restaurant that also has its fair share of nastiness to it. Ketchup. Or Catsup. However the fuck you decide to spell it, the shit is nasty. Don’t misunderstand me. As a rule, ketchup is not a nasty condiment. The bottle in my fridge right now is perfectly fine and dandy. However, it is not the same bottle that has been there for two years and I just keep refilling it over and over again, each time scraping off the black crud that has accumulated on the rim and lid. We save that behavior for restaurant ketchups. The last place I worked that had ketchup used the same bottles and we just refilled them every weekend. So if the bottle was half empty (or half full for you eternal cock-eyed optimist fucks) we just filled it up. What that means is, the ketchup at the bottom of the bottle just stays there for months and months at a time. It’s really gross. And you know that it’s time to throw it away when tiny bubbles start forming on the inside of the bottle. When you see that happening, run for the hills because the shit is about to blow. Or you can just put that bottle on the shelf and save it for the next time some real cunt asks for ketchup and you can give her that one and hope that the tomato time bomb goes off right in her cunty face. Fingers crossed. I’ve seen it happen. The pressure builds up and as soon as you unscrew the lid, it sends ketchup all over the place. It makes a big mess and it’s a pain in the ass to clean it up, but if it gets all over a customer it’s so totally worth it. You gotta take the good with the bad.
When I go to a restaurant, the first thing I do is look at the ketchup bottle. If the inside of the lid is caked with old dead ketchup, I order something that will not require me to said condiment. I would way rather have a ketchup packet than a bottle anytime. At least with a packet, you know you are the only one who has used it. The bottles that sit on the table all the time are the worst. How many times have you seen some dick who can’t get the ketchup to flow? What does he do? He sticks a knife in the bottle to get the ketchup. And what if that knife is the same one he just used for mustard or to slice his sandwich or to scratch his ass with? And then that same bottle of nasty ass-scratched ketchup is there for you to use.
Avoid ketchup bottles like the plague. Thoughts?