Have you ever heard of that song called “The Laziest Girl in Town?” It’s a classic that has been sung by everyone from Nina Simone to Marlene Dietrich to Dolly Parton. (I’m not sure that Dolly ever sang that song, but she totally should.) Anhoo, I think I used to work with the laziest girl in town, but we didn’t call her that. We called her bitch. For the purposes of this blog, and because I heart 70’s sitcoms, I will refer to her as “Joanie Cunningham” from Happy Days. Not because Joanie was lazy on that show, but because she was a snort pig and so was this lazy ass bitch I worked with.
I have not seen Joanie for years, but she still gets on my nerves. We worked together for about a year and a half and every day it was the same tired shit. She would schlep in about five minutes late and always have the same excuse, “I had subway issues.” Bitch, we all have subway issues. It’s called the MTA. Even though no one liked Joanie, she always had to give everyone a hug or a kiss hello and goodbye. I was always like, “I just saw you last night, I don’t need to hug you good morning.” She’d do it anyway because she never got that I was so fucking serious about that. After she’d spend about five minutes taking her coat off and then another five to go to the bathroom, she’d come up to someone and say, “What do you want me to do?” Every day. I dunno, how about the same thing we do every goddamn day to open the restaurant? Make some coffee? Get some ketchups? Read the opening sidework sheet and figure it out? And if she came in at night, she’d ask the same thing even though she knew damn well we had to clean 50 votive candle holders and put new candles in them. If you didn’t tell her exactly what to do, she would just do something like prepare straws. Or straighten the pile of bev naps. God she got on my fucking nerves.
At that restaurant, we were allowed to wear whatever we wanted and one day Joanie thought it was a good idea to wear black Spandex pants. Very few people can pull off Spandex pants and I have never seen a snort pig who was able to do it. Joanie failed miserably at the Spandex just as she failed to understand what it meant to carry an empty bus tub to the dishroom. When she walked in with the Spandex, we all looked at each other and prayed that she was going to be changing into something more appropriate and less frightening. Because she was the laziest gal in town, she did not change. I suspect that the only reason she had them on in the first place was because she was too lazy to do laundry and this was all that was left in her closet. The pants were screaming for help. I saw her bend over (a feat in and of itself) and the fabric stretched so thin that I could see the white panties underneath it. When she stood back up, a good portion of the Spandex was now permanently wedged inside her ass cheeks. It was a really special look and I am sure her tables really appreciated it.
Another thing Joanie did that annoyed me to no end was complain about everything. You may think this is the pot calling the kettle black, but believe it or not, I very rarely complain at work. That’s what this blog is for. But Joanie would complain that it was too slow and then as soon as her station was full she would whine that it was too busy. She’d complain that it was too hot but never do anything like go adjust the thermostat. She’d complain that she was too fat as she stuffed fries, olives, cherries and anything else that she could eat for free into her face. With each passing french fry, the Spandex begged for mercy.
I left that job before Joanie did. On my last day, she gave me the obligatory hug and told me to keep in touch. She never knew that she got on my nerves. She must have been pretty clueless or maybe the Spandex had cut of the circulation to her brain and she was unable to to recognize that my eyes were rolling every time she was within two feet of me. I wonder if she’s still a waitress. I doubt it. It take s a special person to be a waitress for longer than a couple of years. It requires someone who is willing to work hard and have some kind of brain. Joanie had neither of those attributes. But she did have some black Spandex pants. And that’s somethin‘, right?