So Many Liars

I was sitting on the sidewalk in Times Square yesterday at 6:50 AM because I was waiting in line for an audition. Sure I was watching men pile crap into a garbage truck, I could smell the stench of someone who was probably sleeping in that exact spot a few hours before and the air was a little chilly, but it was all better than being at work. I was just two short blocks away from The Houlihan’s that I spent so many happy hours at so I want to tell a story of those days.

We used to have this bartender named Evy. She was grumpy, mean, a habitual liar and not a very nice person. I always managed to stay on her good side because if you didn’t, she would flat out refuse to make your drinks. You could be so in the weeds and then you finally run over to the bar to pick up your ten million pina coladas and they wouldn’t be there. And Evy would say something like, “Oh I must have been changing the printer paper when you placed your order. Sorry.” Yeah, she was that kind of person. I quickly learned to kiss her ass in order to make my life easier. We worked together for a long time and after a while all of her wild and fanciful stories seemed to be a little too wild and fanciful. It took me and the rest of my co-workers a long time to realize that she was making up shit left and right. One day she came into work with her head half shaved in this kind of mid-90’s asymmetrical bob deal. It was not like her to have a hair cut like that so we all asked her what made her decide to go so radically different. She had an answer:

Well, I went to Las Vegas this weekend just because I thought it would be fun. So I was there with a friend of mine and we were at a bar. The bartender was totally ignoring us and I really wanted a drink so I told him that I was getting mad and I went off in him. The man next to us, turned to me and said, “You are the meanest most horrible vile person I have ever seen in my entire life. And I want you to be in my movie. So he cast me as a gang member with a bad attitude and he wanted me to cut my hair this way. So I did. Because I’m gonna be in a movie. Me! And I’m not even an actor! Isn’t that crazy?

It was at this point that we all started to realize that Evy might have a wee case of the pathological liar syndrome. Of course the movie deal fell through. Because it never happened to begin with. Her stories were always big. Like the time she went to a Knicks game and ended up in the VIP seats “just because” or when she was going to go to Paris next week “for the fun of it” but then it didn’t happen because something else came up. If she was a Facebook friend, her status would always be like, “OMG, just because I turned down Prince William’s proposal now he’s gonna marry that skank Kate Middleton” or “I ♥ scratch off lottery tickets. Just one $500! Again.”

I don’t know whatever happened to Evy. I can”t even remember if she left Houlihan’s first or if I did. It was impossible to be her friend because you never knew what her real story was. All I knew to do was listen to her tales and nod enthusiastically so that when I needed something from the bar, she would just make it. Life was simple then. Good luck, Evy, wherever you are. To hear her tell it, she probably had plastic surgery, changed her name and got racial reassignment and is now living in the White House as our first African-American first lady.

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13 thoughts on “So Many Liars

  1. Eva L.

    I tell you that you are a fabulous writer. Every posting is something that my husband (also a waiter) and I look forward too.You are crisp, concise, sparkling with wit and the right touch of sarcasm. With your job, you need it. I am not able to work as a chef any longer, but I appreciate what all of the staff has to go thru. Living wit a waiter, make life difficult for me, but he loves it. I am helping to build his resume to get us back to NYC, my hometown. I am sure he will bitch more too.Be well and know that there is a gift that you have in writing.

  2. Eva L.

    addendum posting. I didn't check that posting before I hit POST. I sound like I have no command of the English language. But I know that you get a bit of that in other postings.

  3. Kara Hoag

    Jesus. I've met too many people like that. There's a guy who's been in the city I live in for several years and, due to his everchangin story, no one really knows why he hasn't left

  4. Krissy

    OMG, bitchy.. Is she Kate? 'Cuz surely William wouldn't have turned her down. She just had to change her appearance a little for the Queen. :)

  5. donna reed

    Oh, Bitchy, you never cease to have a story I can soooo relate to seeing that I've also enjoyed days in the service industry along with the rest of you readers. I worked with an older woman named Connie who had a mustache, was a chain smoker and had the voice to go with it. She was our Union steward and make our lives very difficult if she didn't think your grievance was important enough for her to call the shop. Oh Connie, you bitch. Bless your dead smoking soul.

  6. Practical Parsimony

    EvaL,You did well! You only had three tiny mistakes in one sentence–second paragraph, fourth sentence1)left off the "h" in with,2)left off "s" in makes, and 3) should not have put a comma in that sentence. You write just fine. Most blog posts have errors that I assume are the result of not hitting keys when people know better or not proofing. Don't apologize for your writing. I do agree that bitchy waiter is a brilliant writer! Hey, bitchy, when does the book come out?

  7. dirtydisher

    LOL good story. I had a friend like that. He'd tell every lie this.."I got in a wreck last night! Almost." Or, "I got laid last night..almost." He eventually died in a gunfight, but, he won! Almost.

  8. Anonymous

    Holy shit she sounds just like my colleague! She is always running around telling the craziest lies to everyone trying to impress them. One week she has signed a record deal with her all girl pop band, the next week the deal is off because "she didn't want to go all the way to London to record the album." One week she has nine horses and a motorcycle, the next week she doesn't. One week she is going to South America to tape a survivor-like t.v. show, the next week "she reclined the offer because she wanted to spend christmas with her son". Even my boss said of her: well, she has a vivid imagination, but as long as you take everything she says with a grain of salt….Bitch just oughta be fired!


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