I Wish It was a Smoothie

I saw something happen at work yesterday that both entertained me and horrified me at the same time. No, Holly Hobbie did not finally release the lemon that has been stuck up her ass. In fact, I think the lemon has been joined by citrus friends orange, pineapple and grapefruit along with a bottle of Cabernet. Bitch has a fucking sangria party happening up in her poop chute. I was standing near my station when I saw a woman rushing to the bathroom. She had a white creamy liquid dripping off her face and hands and her blouse was also covered with it. Next I saw a waitress following her with a linen napkin held out in front of her that was also dripping the same questionable substance. “Hmmm,” I thought. “Did Lispy Gay Manager just have a party with his friends?” I looked in the direction from whence they came and saw some back waiters mopping the floor and people milling about. I then figured that someone had dropped one of the delicious organic and overpriced smoothies and it splattered all over the poor lady sitting nearby. Sucks to have smoothie all over you, right? If only it was smoothie.

When the waitress came out of the bathroom of course I got my nosy ass all up in her face and asked her what happened. “Oh nothing. This lady just threw up, that’s all.” That’s all? Hello no, that’s not all. I want details. Did the food make her puke? Did Linda Evans say hello and the very sight of the double face piercing make this woman projectile vomit? Did she get a whiff of Lispy Gay’s cologne? The waitress told me that the lady was pregnant and simply threw up. My next question was this: “And did you clean it up with that napkin?” Had it been me, and I saw a lady throw up in my station, she would have been up vomit creek without a barf bag, because my ass ain’t helping with that shit. If I helped, then there’d be two people tossing their cookies up in there. The waitress went on to explain that she was the oldest of about a dozen children and she grew up around pregnant women so she saw what was about to happen. “So I grabbed a napkin and tried to catch it.” That’s right, this Wonder Waitress caught the vomit. It was at this point I noticed there was a chunk of leftover vomit on her right shoulder. After it was pointed out to her, she laughed and went to the sink and rinsed it off with a wet paper towel. I resisted the urge to gag.

I never did see the lady come out of the bathroom. I presume she exited through the window because she was so completely ashamed about puking all over herself while a waitress tried to catch it in a fucking dinner napkin. She must have slunk her pregnant ass home and prescribed bed rest for her remaining pregnancy. Maybe after the baby is born she will be able to put this episode behind her. They say that all the pain of child birth is forgotten once you lay eyes on your new baby. Hopefully, this too will be erased from her memory. If only it could be erased from mine.

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17 thoughts on “I Wish It was a Smoothie

  1. Bouncin' Barb

    OMG…this is bad news for all involved. Imagine the people sitting around that table also felt queasy. A year before my Dad passed away, his diabetes would go wacky at any given time. One minute fine and the next blehhhhh! and it happened twice in a restaurant. OMG it was so embarrasing. But I'd clean it up while someone else escorted him outside. There's just no good way to deal with this one.

  2. yellowcat

    I have lots of puke and shit stories, but I'm not the type of overachieving waitress who will try to catch the vomit. Screw that. And if I found someone else's vomit on me I'd make my own mess.

  3. Kara Hoag

    One time a mother let her child eat too much food and he ended up puking on a small plate. I happened to be the only server near her at the time and was the one that carried the plate to the back. It was disgusting. I was also new to serving then. If someone did that now I would most likely just walk away and pretend I didn't see it happen. Or do the 'I'll be right back bit.' I never come back after I say I'll be right back….karahoag.blogspot.com

  4. Mama Sky

    Nope- after the baby is born you will not forget the puking horror stories. I should know- I had very bad morning- all day sickness with all three pregnancies. My 1st one I was working full time- alternating between cashing out customers and getting them whatever the hell they wanted. I had puke buckets at all exits. I had one at the register and frequently threw up while in the middle of cashing out someone. Thankfully the customers loved me and did not throw a fit over this lol. KFC has been my arch nemesis ever since I 1st became pregnant. The thought, smell of the place caused instant gag. My manager sent me there to get him lunch- I got to stay on the clock to do this and keep the change from his 20. Hell yeah. I puked in the drive thru, I puked as I drove down the road with the food bag hanging out the window. I puked on him as I handed it to him. All worth it though. I got $15 bucks and the satisfaction of seeing vomit all over my boss. Now cleaning up someone elses puke? I did that once while I managed a few stores. Customer ate KFC and HICi juice and puked all over. I was the only person in the store so I had to clean it. Never again. I will quit before I do that again.

  5. MommaX295

    Thank Goodness I was sequestered to the woods in Maine for the early part of my pregnancy. Throwing up in public is horrifying for everyone involved.www.poopandyouparenting.blogspot.com

  6. Ann Wilkinson

    I am the wait-staff of two cats. One of them pukes daily. It's disgusting. That said, it's quite another matter to deal with people-puke. Sorry you had to witness this. But, puke happens.

  7. Natty

    When I was working at this really mediocre "fine dinning" restaurant right on the water in San Francisco–one of the ladies at my table threw up. She hadn't even touched her shrimp melt so I figured it wasn't the food.. which I thought was odd…The next day I was at a bar with my friends and had drank maybe a half a beer. I suddenly got really cold and woozy; all the blood left my face. I grabbed a cab as fast as I could and sped home, ran in the door and threw up in the bathroom. My roommates thought I was totally wasted and brought me water and asked if I was ok. Turned out that bitch at the restaurant gave me the gnarliest stomach flu. Gave it to the entire restaurant staff that was there that day. They were shorthanded for 2 weeks after that. So count yourself lucky that this customer was just having morning sickness and not the flu!!

  8. Anonymous

    Ate dinner at the Cheesecake factory in Orlando a few years back. Kind of surprised by management there. We were waiting to be seated and a family behind us had a young (around age 5) boy that proceeded to get sick right there on the floor and just kept doing so. The parents were just kind of standing there not sure what to do… the employees were just standing there and the manager just proceeds to start yelling at the parents to take him to the bathroom. I quickly realized the parents spoke barely if any English and told the manager to calm down, they don't speak or understand english. I asked the bartender for a trash can and held it for the little guy while I had the mother follow me to the rest room. My husband told me they just kind of left the mess up front until he requested a bus person retrieve a mop. The manager was running around like a chicken with his head cut off and yelling the whole time. I could hear this right out the bathroom door and came out with the garbage can and said. "First off, you need to calm down. Take this to the back and dispose of it. Make sure you get some one to clean up in front and offer the people that were in line waiting some beverages from the bar. You are making a situation that I really can not believe hasn't happened here (being so close to Disney and Universal Studios) before much worse than what it is. Getting mad solves nothing but showing your incompetence as a manager. Laugh it off and go about business as usual with trying to keep your customers here happy!" He took the can and apologized and I never once saw him again for the rest of the evening. The mother was in the bathroom crying and I tried to calm her down and her husband retrieved her and their son and left. Two of the wait staff thanked me and asked me if I needed a job. I just laughed and told them I have been running a tavern for 14 years and this kind of thing is nothing. We didn't so much as receive a complimentary beverage for the whole fiasco….all of the people waiting behind us did as per my suggestion but we recieved squat…lol. The couple of restaurants I have worked at through the years always had a plan of action in case a guest got sick. Helped keep the drama to a minimum and the mess cleaned in no time!

  9. Anonymous

    Although this hasn't happened to me in a long time–I did have a waitress come to work one night—got her first table–took a drink order–and promptly returned to the service area where she pulled out the trash can –and proceeded to puke–not just once–in clear sight of her customers that were sitting 3 tables away from this area–she then wiped her mouth and was getting ready to go about waiting on them !!!!! Needless to say–we found out little Suzy Creamcheese, the waitress, was a closet vodka swiller by day, home with her kids–and was schnockered by the time her 4 pm shift started !!! oh–the joys of the restaurant biz !!1

  10. dirtydisher

    HA HA, pregnancy vomit is tricky. It comes with NO warning. Then it's gone. It's the weirdest thing. And you can't catch it, because it usually happens before you show. Skinny bitch projectile…ewww. Diaper explosion to follow in 7 months. Let's hope that aint at your table.

  11. Wendy

    Sounds to me like you need to question that waitress later… Sounds like she was brought up in a Bigamist's home. Maybe she's the child of a Sister/Wife? She's the oldest of a dozen kids with "a bunch of pregnant women" around?!? Yep. Big Love goin' on over there….or maybe it's just me.

  12. Anonymous

    No, maybe it was the sight of your FUGLY red afro. Or maybe, she saw you, and it reminded her of watching charlie and the chocolate factory, and the very essence of Gene Wilder, made her VOM. BTW, you are a pussy, who is a meek motha fucka in real life, and apparently, a psycho side-show bob freak-show on the net.


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