I read somewhere that we lucky New Yorkers will soon have the ability to have cell phone service on the subway even when we are underground. Oh, God, no. I live off of the 7 train which is above ground and already have to listen to people yapping about what they ate for dinner and how many times their dog took a dump. I always count the seconds until we go underground and they are all forced to say good bye. People can’t go for ten fucking minutes without talking on the phone? Maybe we just skip ahead already to the future (three months from now) when our cell phones will be directly implanted into our heads? There is a time and place to talk on a cell phone. One of those is not in my station. Nothing irritates me as much as someone sitting at my table while talking on the phone but they call me over anyway to try to get me to take their order. They will keep blabbing with the phone cocked under their ear and they hold one finger up at me as if to say “I’m almost done, hold on a sec.” Nope. I walk away. I don’t need to hear how Johnny broke up with you out of the blue but he’s gonna feel really shitty about it because you are not gonna give him back the earrings he gave you for Christmas and you don’t care that they were his Grandma’s earrings, Johnny needs to learn some respect. One time a lady was sat as she was on the phone so I ignored her until she was done with the call. Maybe about ten minutes at the most. When she hung up, she looked all pissed off and called me over. “Uh, excuse me, but I have been here for twenty minutes (dumb ass customers have no concept of time) and no one has even acknowledged me.” In my most sincere voice, I replied, “I am your server and you seemed to be having a business call and I hated to disturb you.” Then she had to shut the hell up because she thought I was being nice when really I was just eating my lunch. Dumb bitch. Another time at The Marriott this woman would come in, put her phone on speaker mode and lay it on the table while she ate lunch. At The Marriott we were only allowed to say “It’s my pleasure” so I couldn’t say anything but I was surprised no one else ever did. She did it all the time. I suppose I could have told her, “Ma’am, it would be my pleasure to ram that phone up your ass for you.”
But back to the cell phones on the subway. One time this woman was having a huge argument with her boyfriend as we were headed towards the tunnel. I was trying to figure out how she was gonna wrap it all up before she lost her signal but I guess she didn’t care. After we went underground, she just kept yelling for about 90 seconds even though everyone on the train was looking at her and knowing there was nobody on the other end of the line. But my favorite cell phone on the subway story is this one:
GIRL: (on cell phone, loudly) And gurl I was all lookin’ good and he was all lookin’ at me like he wanted a piece and I was all I don’t think so. You done had your chance and you missed it so nows all youse can do is wish you had me, Uh huh. Uh huh. (loud long laugh) I know, right? Well, whatver, I still might hook up with his ass cuz he fine. I know. GURL, I KNOW! I would love to gets my hands on that dick a his again just to show him what he be missin’ out on. Uh huh. Uh huh.
MAN: Excuse me, young lady. You are not in your living room.
the girl pulled the phone away from her ear, cocked her head, snarled her lip and said
GIRL: Neither are you. (back into phone) Some asshole tryin’ to tell me to get of the phone.