Category Archives: stay in your seat

My Child, My Pet

Riding on the lovely 7 train yesterday, I spotted one of those mothers who thinks it’s a good idea to attach their child to a leash. However, the leash was made to look like a a monkey so as not to seem so I-have-my-kid-on-a-leash-ish. So the monkey part looked like it was hugging the kid and then the tail was what the mom was holding on to. But, still. Your kid on a leash? As she got onto the train, she dragged her baby behind her. It just seemed wrong. Call me old fashioned but can’t you just keep your eyes on your child instead of a rope? But then I started thinking about how handy those leashes would be in a restaurant. Every person who asks for a child’s menu would also get a leash that they would be required to attach to the kid so that it is forced to stay at his table. Kiddos, don’t be getting all in my fucking way when I’m trying to carry a tray of food. Put that leash on! And in the restaurant, the leashes should not be all cute adorable ones that look harmless and fun. I want real actual leashes. From Petco. The kind that are made of polyester or leather. And I want studs and spikes on them so if the child moves so much as an inch away from the table, the discomfort will force him back to the booster seat they made me get. Or better yet, why not a leash made of a bungee cord? I like this idea. A really elastic one. And I would lure the child away from their table with a big pile of chicken fingers. The kid would walk towards the food and then I would inch it a little further away and keep doing that until the adorable tot is struggling against the elasticity of the cord. One foot further and then the bungee cord would do its thing and snap that kid right back to his seat where he was supposed to be anyway. I would lure the kid up and over tables first so that when he was being bungeed back to his inattentive parents he would go under tables and over booths and maybe get smacked around a little bit on the way. It would be an excellent lesson for that poor dear child. Stay in your seat. Don’t move. Be quiet.

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