So many mothers have this sense of fucking entitlement like she is the first woman to ever push a baby out of her Sweet Potato Pie Hole. It’s been happening for thousands of years, no big whoop. I cannot write enough about my disdain for children in my station. I don’t want them in my personal life so why the fuck would I want one at work? But people bring their babies in and then they think it’s my responsibility to make sure the music is not too loud. Or they have the nerve to ask me to heat up their baby food. Why would they think I have time for that? It’s not my baby. I am supposed to ignore my other tables and then bother the kitchen staff to heat up a bottle of milk? I’d rather you just breastfeed if it means I don’t have to do anything. Not that I want to get a close up view of your areola when I refill your Diet Coke. These are the same people who bring babies to an R rated movie and think it’s okay for everyone else to listen to it for two hours. No one cares about your baby except the people who know your baby (and some of them only act like they give a shit.) No one in the restaurant wants to step around your giant stroller or listen to it cry or watch you whip out your tit so it has an appetizer. Leave them at home with a sitter. Or just leave it alone while you come out to eat. I am sure it will be fine, whatever. Just leave a post-it note on it’s head with your cell phone number so if there is a problem the police will know how to reach you. You could always take it to Chuck E. Cheese where they live for that shit. The people who work there love it when they have a room full of screaming babies. Or better yet, order in. We have take out menus. Just don’t sit in my station.
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This lady sat in my booth yesterday and ordered a Diet Pepsi. I told her “oh we only have Diet Coke, is that okay?” thinking that of course it would be okay. It’s always okay. Unless you are the bitch that sat at table 204 yesterday. When the words Diet Coke fell from lips she looked like I just donkey punched her. “No Diet Pepsi, seriously?” Yeah lady, for real. So she had to “settle” for a Diet Coke like I care what she drinks. If you really want me to give a shit, then order a cocktail and then have another one so my check will grow into something substantial. Once I told some one we didn’t have Diet Pepsi but maybe I could find one, like we have a secret stash of forbidden products in the basement. So I went to the soda gun and poured her a Diet Coke and then I sprinkled some Splenda in it because I think Diet Pepsi is sweeter than Diet Coke. Told her I found a bottle of her precious Diet Pepsi and bitch drank the shit up. I worked at another restaurant once where we never once had Ginger Ale but I sold it every day by putting a splash of Coke into a glass of Sprite and not once did anyone notice. Same thing with coffee and decaf. I serve everyone decaf because I don’t need a bunch of caffeinated bitches in my station. And it’s too much trouble to make two pots of coffee. No one knows the difference. How many times has someone told me they needed coffee SO bad and I just serve them a big ol’ cup of steaming decaf? Every day. And then when I ask them if they feel better, they say “Oh God yes, I just cannot function without my caffeine.” Uh huh. Whatever. You will drink what I serve you.
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