Category Archives: Christmas

Holiday Gift Ideas for the Server in Your Life

With the holidays sneaking up on us like a customer trying to be all stealthy and slip into our restaurant two minutes before we close, it’s time to think about the gifts we may be giving to the servers in our lives. Maybe you regrettably decided to take part in a Secret Santa event or perhaps you’re a restaurant manager/owner looking for gift ideas for your staff. Or maybe you’re a genuinely nice person who actually enjoys giving gifts for Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa or the Winter Solstice. Whatever the reason is, I’ve got you covered. And all of these are twenty dollars and under. And here they are:


Why not a new checkbook from Waiter Wallet? It’s affordable, functional, stylish and will help even the most disorganized server look less like the fuck up we know they are. $18.95, CLICK HERE.


This “Make America Tip Again” t-shirt is a great way to let the world know that we aren’t bringing that fifth Diet Coke refill because we think it’s good for you. We’re doing it for the money. $20.00, CLICK HERE.


How about a big ass box of pens? The next time one of your coworkers ask to borrow one of yours, tell them to go fuck off and get one out of the box. $15.99, CLICK HERE.

 


The only way to get through a “clopen” is with a a lot of coffee, caffeine, or coke. Whatever you choose to use, put it in this awesome Clopen mug. $12.00, CLICK HERE.

 


My book, duh. It’s super cheap and super relatable for anyone who wears an apron for a living. It’ll make you laugh and maybe even make you cry. And if you need more of a reason to buy it, this review from a varied Amazon customer ought to do it: “Just one foul word after another. I threw it in the trash.” $14.95, CLICK HERE.


 

A personalized video shout out from the Bitchy Waiter himself via the Cameo app. You can tell me what to say and I’ll say it (within reason, people.) The video then goes to your friend and they can cherish it forever or until there’s no more room on their phone for it, whichever comes first. $7.00, CLICK HERE.


If saying “corner” is embedded in our brains so deeply that we even say it at the grocery store, why not just wear a t-shirt that says it for you? $19.99, CLICK HERE.


Happy holidays, bitches!

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

In the spirit of the holidays, The Bitchy Waiter offers this poem to you. Please do enjoy it and happy fucking holidays.

‘Twas the night before Christmas, in the front of the house
The only creature still stirring was that sad dying mouse;

The glue trap was placed by the reach-in with care,
In hopes that the rodents would soon be aware;

This server was ready to be home in his bed.
While visions of auto-grat danced in his head.

My apron now off, cleaning my last ketchup cap,
When I hear from the window a soft gentle rap.

I try to ignore all the obnoxious clatter,
But I walk towards the noise to see what’s the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Crack it open so slightly, do nothing rash.

The moon on the breasts of this tired looking ho
Gave me the feeling she wanted some mo’.

When, what to my wondering eye should appear,
This bitch had a coupon for one freebie beer.

With her Lee Press-on Nails and her mascara too thick,
I knew in a moment she must be some trick.

A hooker, a ho, or whatever the name,
“It’s Christmas Eve, bitch. We’re closed, it’s a shame.”

“Please, just a Bud, a Corona or Bass!
I have this free coupon I pulled from my ass!
In six more short days, the coupon’s not valid,
And if not a beer, maybe one small side salad?”

I looked at the lady, saw the need in her eyes,
And wondered how badly she wanted some fries.

“But we’re closed for the night and I’m ready to go”
So I turned off the light and shut the window.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
Scratching and gnawing giving me proof
That this crack whore was desperate and needed a beer
Or maybe she needed some holiday cheer.

She broke through the skylight and came down with a thud.
Her panties were twisted and and covered with mud.

Way too much makeup was covering her face
And her sad bloodshot eyes were scanning the place.

Her eyes- how they crossed! Her hair was so scary!
I pitied the loser who had popped her cherry.

Her droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And her nose was all white from doing some blow.

The stump of a blunt she held tight in her teeth.
And the stench of her body encircled her head like a wreath;

She had a broad face and a round big fat belly,
And she reached to a table for a packet of jelly.

She slurped it up quickly and looked at the shelf
I picked up a steak knife to protect myself.

The bottles of liquor went straight to her head,
And I knew right away I had nothing to dread;

She spoke not a word, but went straight to the whiskey.
She downed the whole bottle and asked “did you miss me?”

And laying her finger aside of her nose,
She took one deep sniff and reached into her clothes.

In her hand was the coupon for the beer that was free
She said thank you, then burped and gave it to me.

I opened the door and she went out of sight,
Saying “Happy Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight.”
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Merry Christmas, what do you want?


Over the years, I have always worked in restaurants that are open on the holidays. It sucks major Christmas balls. The servers always have to fight to see who has to work on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day. The shittiest by far is Christmas Day. Why the fuck any restaurant wants to be open that day is beyond me. Of course the person who decides to be open on Christmas is not actually working that day. When I worked for a major hotel chain (who’s name shall remain anonymous) it was a given that we would be open on Christmas, but do you think Mr. Fucking Marriott was at his office that day? I doubt it. But my ass was waiting tables on all the losers who don’t have anything else to do on Baby Jesus’ Birthday. And they all look at us with sad puppy dog eyes because they feel sorry for us working on a holiday like we didn’t have anything else to do. Really, I look at them with sad puppy dog eyes because they are the ones who are at a restaurant by choice when they should be eating with their loved ones. You would think they would tip us a bit extra on those days but most people leave the same crappy ass 10% tip that they will leave any other day of the year. So don’t go out to eat on a holiday. Maybe eventually restaurant owners will decide it’s not worth it to be open and let their employees spend Christmas the way it was meant to be spent: celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ our Saviour, getting drunk and/or high and eating till you puke right before you open your presents. And now I have to go iron my fucking uniform for work. Happy Birthday, Jesus. How do you like your eggs?
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