You Get a Shift Drink! You Get a Shift Drink!

A new law is scheduled to go into effect on February 1, 2020 that will directly affect servers around the country. The legislative proposal, SD-requirement 1, was nestled within a much more complicated bill covering farm subsidies and soybean transfers within North America, specifically between Canada and Mexico. The law states:

All servers who are making at least the federal minimum wage for tipped employees of $2.13 an hour, will hereby also be entitled to one complimentary shift drink before or after their shift at any restaurant that has at least eight (8) employees. Should the employee choose to not take the shift drink, they can request credit onto their paycheck not to exceed $5.00 dollars per shift. The shift drink can be any beverage, but congress highly recommends that it be one of an alcoholic nature not to exceed either two ounces of alcohol per drink or a single glass of beer or wine. Should the employee be working a double, the law allows for the two shift drinks to be combined into one at the subsequent end of the second shift.

Servers across the country are celebrating the new law. Says Alfred K. Hallick, a server at Doug’s Donuts Diner in Beersheba Springs, TN, “I’m just grateful that the government finally did something that benefits me. All these tax cuts for the rich are great and everything but if I can get a free Coors Light after every shift, that’ll save me about $24 a week. Good bless the USA!”

Understandably, not everyone is happy about the sweeping changes, restaurant owners in particularly. Melba Totes, owner of a franchised Applebee’s in Spokane, WA says, “I have 19 servers in my store, so now I have to give away free cocktails to them? I’ll just give them those crappy ass Vodka Rum Frostbites that we’re selling for a dollar right now. They only cost about fifteen cents to make, so I guess I can afford that.” When reminded that the server gets to choose what drink they want or take a $5.00 credit, Totes’ head exploded, making a huge mess in section three. The busser tasked to clean up the mess, Nyada Faire, grumbled, “Of course the bussers don’t get a shift drink because I guess we just don’t matter.”

The law goes into effect on the first of next month so it is imperative that all restaurant owners are made aware of this change in policy. For a printout with the complete explanation of the new law as well as suggestions of what drinks to ask for in order to take the most advantage of the situation, please click here. 

Grandma and Grandpa Offended by Same Sex Kiss

A normal, straight, ordinary, traditional, heterosexual couple went to their friendly neighborhood Applebee’s this week in Sturgis, Michigan and had their world rocked to its core because of something that happened while they were trying to enjoy some Chicken Wonton Tacos and a couple of pomegranate iced teas. They were so shook up by what happened, that they felt the need to scribble out a note for the restaurant so everyone who works there will know why they will never be back.

To: Sturgiss Applebee’s

When my husband and I sat down at our table, I looked toward one of the TV screens and to my shock there apparently was a soap opera on showing 2 men kissing. I sure am glad we didn’t have our grandchildren with us. So much for “neighborhood” friendly.

From: 2 concerned “never to be back” customers.

This boomer woman got her granny panties all in a bunch because she saw two men kissing on a TV? It’s not like there were two gays dudes double raw dog fisting at Table 16 using guacamole as lube and taking jalapeño poppers. Lady, it’s a TV show, get over yourself. And so what if your grandchildren were there with you. Do you think them seeing two men kissing on TV is going to propel them into a deep, dark hole of moral degeneracy any more than what they see on the news every day? Your precious grandkids probably have active shooter drills at their school and I can pretty much guarantee that is way more stress-inducing than seeing two members of the same sex lock lips. 

So they’re never going back to Applebee’s as if it’s the restaurant’s fault that some soap opera has a fictional storyline involving two grown men in a consensual act of kissing. Is Applebee’s supposed to hire someone to pre-screen everything that shows on their televisions and enact a three-second delay in case something shocking makes it through the airwaves? I can only imagine what else might be so offensive that would cause Grandma and Grandpa Stick Up Their Ass to abandon their “neighborhood” friendly restaurant:

  • RuPaul’s Drag Race
  • A JCPenney bra commercial
  • That scene in Yentl when Mandy Patinkin shows his ass
  • Anderson Cooper, Shepard Smith or Rachel Maddow doing literally anything

Meanwhile, the grandchildren are probably playing Mortal Kombat and looking at porn on Twitter because they know that’s the easiest place to look at it without it showing up in your browser history.

Applebee’s has permanently lost two customers. As sad as they may be about selling a couple less plates of four cheese mac & cheese with honey pepper chicken tenders, at least we know the servers will no longer have to deal with a grandma and grandpa who probably can’t tip more than 10% and think that there is something wrong with being gay. Fuck them.

Don’t Make Me Dig Through the Garbage

It has come to my attention that far too many people are leaving their retainers, aligners, false teeth and any number of dental items carelessly wrapped in napkins on restaurant tables causing them to be tossed into the garbage by unsuspecting servers. Inevitably, these forgetful customers eventually realize what happened and they call the restaurant to ask their server to dig through bags and bags of wet garbage to retrieve the precious and valuable item that they had absolutely no concern for earlier. Suddenly it’s the most important thing on the planet and they think it’s easy for the server to just “go look” for it, like there’s one teeny, tiny garbage can that’s full of clean napkins and rainbows.

People, pay attention to your own shit. Servers do not have time to be digging through the garbage because you were too busy taking Instagram photos of your Lobster Claw Bloody Mary to notice that your $5000 Invisalign got picked up with that half-eaten Cheddar Bay Biscuit. If you are one of the hundreds of customers who have done this and actually had a server find it for you, I hope you repaid the favor by digging deep into your pockets and tipping huge amounts of cash. And I’m not talking 20%. That’s the percentage we expect when we do a good job of serving you. If we crawl through the garbage looking for some dentures reenacting that scene in Star Wars where Princess Leia, Han Solo and Luke Skywalker are flailing through garbage moments before being compacted, we need much, much more than 20%. And servers don’t have C-3PO or R2-D2 to help them out, so you might want to consider a 100% tip. Yeah, it might seem like a lot, but it’s way cheaper than going to your orthodontist and paying them for another set of retainers. And if you’re leaving your false teeth at the restaurant, how is that even possible? Don’t you need your teeth to eat or did Applebee’s add a creamed corn and applesauce entree to their menu?

If you’re one of those servers who has done this for a customer, you are a good soul and truly wonderful person.

I, on the other hand…

 

A Comment on Comments – “Go Kill Yourself” Edition

Once upon a time, this blog was filled with more personal stories about my daily goings on and my personal emotions that washed over me each day while I took orders and silently seethed at my customers. Over time, it has evolved into what it is today which is more of an essay-based critical eye on current events and me pushing either a product or my personae. I used to write the occasional blog post called “Comment on Comments” which was my retaliation against some sad, unsuspecting soul who left a comment on a blog post. Those particular posts slacked off over time because they felt unnecessarily mean spirited and spiteful.

Until today.

Let week, I received an email alerting me to a comment on a blog post that was written over five years ago, called “An Open Letter to the Barefoot Kids At Table 15.” You can read it, so I won’t go over what it was about, but essentially I called the little kid and asshole and his mother a whore. The comment was as follows:

Are you serious? Writing this douchey ass blog to rant at a three year old and call him a little asshole? The parents being called idiots, yeah I can understand but the three year old? You should go kill yourself dude. Get bent and shove this blog.

It was written anonymously, but since I’m the fucking admin of my own blog, I know that his name is Matt Blair and he has a Gmail address. First off, his name sounds like he should be a preppy blond football caption wearing an Izod shirt with an upturned collar who goes to Stone Academy, the all-boys military school that was near Eastland School for girls on The Facts of Life. He would meet Blair Warner at a school dance and Blair would totally fall in love with him because if she married him, her name would be Blair Blair. On their second day he would try to get to second base with her and she would end things because she’s not that kind of girl. Anyhoo, my point is that Matt Blair has a lot of balls to call my blog douchey when his middle name is probably Vinegar.

Yes, I called the kid an asshole and I’m not gonna apologize for that. Everyone knows that some kids are assholes. Just yesterday on the G train, I watched five-year old watch videos with his mother on her iPhone. “That’s so funny, Mommy,” he would say or “That’s really good, huh, Mommy?” And then he would push out this fake ass sounding laugh that was way too loud and I could see his beady little eyes scanning the subway car trying to soak up some attention. I mean, what a little asshole, right? It seemed like mom probably even knew it too based on how she wasn’t really making eye contact with him. (Spoiler alert: he reminded me of me.) So yes, some kids are assholes.

And then he says I should go kill myself. Really, Matt Blair? The blog post I wrote in 20-fucking-14 was so offensive that I should literally take my own life? No thanks, not gonna do that. And by the way, when did “go kill yourself” become such a sick burn? I must have missed that email blast. If you meant it to be funny, it’s not and if you meant it seriously, you’re a shitty person. Suicide isn’t something to casually toss off as an insult and if anyone reading this is struggling witht he idea of staying alive, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. 

Matt does slightly redeem himself by telling me to “get bent and shove this blog.” But I still wanted more. If someone is going to insult me, I really want to see some creativity and effort. So to Matt Blair, I say this:

Get bent. And I mean, like, Crazy Straw bent, all twisted and turned in so many different directions that you can’t even tell which way is up anymore. Like you think you’re right side up, but you are so bent that when snot drips out of your nose it goes right into that little canal in the corner of your eye seeping into your eyeball like the way Visene does for people who can’t put eyedroppers directly into their eyes.

And you should shove your comment, Matt, but where to shove? So many orifices, so little time, you know? Ass shoving is so predictable, so let’s not shove your comment there. I would suggest shoving it down your throat, but your throat is probably already full of the liberal agenda, the homosexual lifestyle or whatever it is that people are shoving down throats these days. How about just collectively shove the comment up your IP address? Cool?

Thanks for the comment, Matt. I certainly do love reading them. And please know that any time one of you leaves a comments, I will get an email notification about it, because just like that little asshole on the G train, I crave attention.

Holiday Gift Ideas for the Server in Your Life

With the holidays sneaking up on us like a customer trying to be all stealthy and slip into our restaurant two minutes before we close, it’s time to think about the gifts we may be giving to the servers in our lives. Maybe you regrettably decided to take part in a Secret Santa event or perhaps you’re a restaurant manager/owner looking for gift ideas for your staff. Or maybe you’re a genuinely nice person who actually enjoys giving gifts for Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa or the Winter Solstice. Whatever the reason is, I’ve got you covered. And all of these are twenty dollars and under. And here they are:


Why not a new checkbook from Waiter Wallet? It’s affordable, functional, stylish and will help even the most disorganized server look less like the fuck up we know they are. $18.95, CLICK HERE.


This “Make America Tip Again” t-shirt is a great way to let the world know that we aren’t bringing that fifth Diet Coke refill because we think it’s good for you. We’re doing it for the money. $20.00, CLICK HERE.


How about a big ass box of pens? The next time one of your coworkers ask to borrow one of yours, tell them to go fuck off and get one out of the box. $15.99, CLICK HERE.

 


The only way to get through a “clopen” is with a a lot of coffee, caffeine, or coke. Whatever you choose to use, put it in this awesome Clopen mug. $12.00, CLICK HERE.

 


My book, duh. It’s super cheap and super relatable for anyone who wears an apron for a living. It’ll make you laugh and maybe even make you cry. And if you need more of a reason to buy it, this review from a varied Amazon customer ought to do it: “Just one foul word after another. I threw it in the trash.” $14.95, CLICK HERE.


 

A personalized video shout out from the Bitchy Waiter himself via the Cameo app. You can tell me what to say and I’ll say it (within reason, people.) The video then goes to your friend and they can cherish it forever or until there’s no more room on their phone for it, whichever comes first. $7.00, CLICK HERE.


If saying “corner” is embedded in our brains so deeply that we even say it at the grocery store, why not just wear a t-shirt that says it for you? $19.99, CLICK HERE.


Happy holidays, bitches!

Server Tells Boss Exactly How She Feels

There isn’t one person who is reading this blog right now who hasn’t dreamed of quitting their job in some kind of epic fashion. Last year, a Walmart employee quit via the storewide intercom system while recording himself. The video went viral because he did what we all want to do, but so seldom have the courage to follow through on. 

 

In the restaurant industry, we are bombarded with reasons to want to quit, leaving a trail of destruction behind us. How fulfilling it would be to climb atop Table 9 in the middle of a busy Saturday night shift and say at the top of your lungs, “This place is a shit show and you can all go eat my farts.” The only problem with leaving in such a fashion is that you definitely cannot use that job as a reference and you should probably have another job lined up before you do it.

This brings me to what happened last week at Movie Tavern in Syracuse, New York. An employee who shall not be named, had already put in her notice and her last day was still a few days away. However, it seems that she could not take even another minute working for a particular general manager and decided to do something big. At the end of the shift, she sent a message via Hot Schedules to the GM and the entire FOH staff saying exactly how she felt.

I and many employees bite our tongue because we are scared to seek up for ourselves with the fear of being fired out of spite, but I’m done holding back. The way you treat your employees is horrible. You constantly belittle us speak to us in a rude manner and treat us like we don’t matter. Respect is earned not given just because you hold the title of General Manager. You should re-evaluate the way you treat your employees because the majority of us can’t stand working with you.

Sincerely,

Name Withheld

P.S. Oh and by the way, I quit! I’ll miss you all! (Except you, Name Withheld.)

I can only imagine how this message filled this server’s soul with joy. Just knowing that she got to say exactly what she wanted to say to her boss, but also that the entire team saw it as well, has to be so satisfying. The best part is that now the General Manger knows exactly how her team feels about working for her and she has to accept it. She can tip toe around asking, “Well, is that how you feel?” and “Does everyone here hate me?” And no matter what anyone says to her face, she’ll know what they are probably thinking.

Vengeance can be a wonderful thing.

I wish all good things to this employee who gave her co-workers a wonderful gift this holiday season. Hopefully, this GM will see the error in her ways and change her behavior. Or perhaps Movie Tavern will investigate and see what they can do to make the working conditions more tolerable for Syracuse employees.

Restaurant managers need to understand this: the majority of those of us who work in the service industry want to do a good job. If management treats us with respect, we will have even more incentive to work harder. Too many managers think it’s alright to treat us poorly but then turn around and expect us to treat our customers and co-workers with respect. That’s not how it works. We are a team and when we all respect each other, morale goes up and service gets better. If you’re a manager who doesn’t respect your employees, then you 100% deserve to be roasted on Hot Schedules and this blog. Get your shit together, Movie Tavern Syracuse.