Grandma Showers Are a Thing Now

Most of us who work in restaurants have had the extreme pleasure of serving for a baby shower. Baby showers usually happen in the home of the mom-to-be or one of her friend’s, but on occasion, it ends up happening in a restaurant because no one is willing to have a gaggle of women invade their living room so they can play “the candy bar in the diaper” game and serve lame ass mock-tails like Virgin Peach Bellinis and Mother’s Milkshakes. When these unfortunate events do take place in a restaurant, the server is left with a pile of wrapping paper, plastic trinkets that fell out of the goody bag and a measly tip. Well, prepare yourselves, because it has come to my attention that there is now something called a Grandma Shower.

At first, I assumed this was similar to a Baby Shower where women would gather to bring gifts to the future Grandma so she is prepared for her new role. You know, things like bags of caramels and those horrible strawberry candies. Or maybe extra Kleenex that she can stuff up her sleeve for snot emergencies and probably a sweatshirt that says “If Mom Says No, Go Ask Grandma.” Instead of the partygoers cutting a ribbon to guess the girth of a pregnant belly, they would cut one to guess the size of a swollen cankle. But then I had a realization that a Grandma Shower might not be at all what I first assumed it was.

Picture this: A Grandma decides to have a party at Olive Garden, but not just any Olive Garden like that skanky one out by the mall next door to Outback, but the the nice Olive Garden that’s across town near the Super Target.

“Yes, I’d like to make a reservation for fifteen people. I’d like a table toward the back of the restaurant if possible,” Grandma says to the hostess. “And I would suggest you place a sheet of plastic on the carpet if you can.”

“Oh?” asked the hostess. “Will there be a lot of children in this party? Do you need highchairs?”

“No, no children, but it might get a little messy. And I’m gonna need at least ten carafes of water too. I want my guests to stay hydrated. Bye bye, dear.”

Two days later, Grandma shows up to Olive Garden, eager with anticipation for her Grandma Shower. She is disappointed to discover there is not plastic sheet on the carpet. “Oh, well,” she thinks to herself. “You can’t say I didn’t warn them.” She eyes the carafes of water and her skin tingles with excitement at the possibilities if all that liquid.

Moments later, her guests begin to arrive. Most of them are older gentlemen with gray hair and paunchy bellies, one with a walker and two with canes. There is one man who is about 25 years old who saw an ad for this Grandma Shower on craigslist and decided to give it a go. Also in the mix are two women dressed in black leather and holding whips. Grandma can tell this is going to be the best Grandma Shower she has ever hosted. They all find themselves a seat at the table.

“Wow, no plastic sheet,” says a man with a droopy eye and a colostomy bag. Nice.”

In walks their server. “Hi, my name is Alyssa and I’ll be taking care of you today. Can I start anyone off with something to drink?”

“Water,” says the entire party in unison.

“I’ve already set your table with water for everyone-oh… “ she trails off as she notices that all fifteen glasses are already empty. “I’ll refill all your glasses in just a minute. And is anyone in the mood for a never-ending salad?” she asks.

Grandma, sitting at the head of the table laughs. “Oh, there’s about to be plenty of tossed salad, but we don’t need it from the kitchen, dear.” Everyone laughs. “Just bring us some breadsticks for now. And then five orders of Giant Cheese Stuffed Shells, ten orders of Stuffed Ziti Fritta and one Spaghetti and Meatballs, hold the spaghetti but with extra balls.” More laughter.

Alyssa steps out of the room, excited about the automatic gratuity that will be added to the check.

Grandma stands up to greet her guests, arms extended and chin help high. “Welcome to my Grandma Shower. I see you’ve already downed your first glass of water, so well done, my friends, well done.” She gestures to the carafes of water sitting on another table against the wall. “Please, fill yourself up as needed.”

The man with the colostomy bag lifts it high over his head indicating it’s already full.

“Let’s get this shower started!” shouts Grandma.

She gently lowers herself to the ground, careful to not injure her hip, as the men and women gather around her in a circle, walkers and canes included. One by one, the men begin to unzip their pants readying themselves to release fresh streams of warm urine upon their hostess.

Alyssa walks back into the room holding a large oval tray full of warm breadsticks. “Oh my god, what the heck is happening here?” she cries out.

Grandma, lying on her back  with the colostomy bag nestled between her naked breasts, looks over at her. “It’s a Grandma Shower, dear, I told you to lay a plastic sheet down, didn’t I?”

“Face Mask Exempt Cards” Are Not a Thing

There are plenty of cities and states around the country that have made it a requirement to wear a mask or face covering in public as a prevention to help stop the spread of the coronavirus. Somehow, the act of taking a precautionary measure has turned political. While I can fully attest that covering my mouth and nose with a piece of fabric is not the most comfortable thing to do in 90° weather, I’m certain that it’s better than being on a ventilator.

You may have seen the above image floating around on the Internet of a “Face Mask Exempt Card” that some stunt queens are undoubtedly trying to use to get out of being a caring, empathetic human being. It’s bullshit and it’s not a legal card. If your restaurant requires customers to wear a mask when entering and someone pulls this laminated piece of shit from their tired ass Ocean Pacific velcro wallet, you can call them out on it. The Department of Justice has released a statement announcing that the cards are fraudulent, as if the misspelling of the word “poses” wasn’t a big enough clue. The card is supposedly from an organization called the Freedom to Breathe Agency, but when you go to their website, it’s basically under construction. When you click any of their social media tabs, it takes to you to the webpage of a website building company, so it’s real official. They claim to be “an extensive group of attorneys, doctors, health practitioners, educators, business owners, CEOs, moms and dads who value their freedom and personal liberty under the Constitution of the United States of America,” but I’m pretty sure it’s just an asshole who Googled how to build a website and then bought a domain name.

Look, if you truly have a medical condition that keeps you from wearing a mask, then by all means don’t wear one. But if you don’t want to wear one because you feel like your civil liberties are being taken away from you, just know that you’re being a selfish, entitled prick. Wearing a mask isn’t going to hurt you and it might even help you. Here in New York City, where hundreds of people a day were dying a few weeks ago, most people are wearing them and you know what? Yesterday, only 13 people in the whole state died. So maybe, just maybe, the masks are helping. Meanwhile in Texas, where my family lives, they are seeing a spike in cases every single day. Houston may be next epicenter even though we in New York have been begging our loved ones in Texas take this more seriously. They didn’t and now they are as scared as we were back in April.

If someone shows up to your restaurant refusing to wear a mask even though they are required to do so, remind them that they also have to wear shoes and shirts and pants to come inside. A restaurant is a private business and they have a right to refuse service to anyone who doesn’t want to abide by the restaurant’s policy. And also ask them why they feel they have a right to jeopardize the health of other people. If I can do my daily run of four miles in the heat of summer while wearing a mask, they can certainly handle wearing one from the hostess stand to the fucking booth they want slide into. If they show you this card, tell them to fuck right off. 

Your Bitchy Waiter Horoscope For the Day

Aries (March 21-April 19)
You are enthusiastic and goal driven, but today will test you. A customer will crush your enthusiasm with their oppressive need for all things in a hurry and your only goal will be to get the fuck out of the restaurant as soon as possible. Make sure you have an extra apron on hand because the stars are pointing toward a major ketchup spill sometime this afternoon.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Heed the warning of the moon today, stubborn bull. You might be focused on making money but the moon has other ideas. Specifically, an idea about one of your customers leaving you a 5% tip even though you gave them perfect service. Brush it off and look to your next table who will more than make up for it. They’ll be a pain in the ass, but worth it. Also, be nice to the kitchen.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Today is a day to put your speaking skills to work because no one in your section is going to know what the hell they want to order even though they will stare at their menus for ten minutes. You know you have two personalities, so use one of them to coax an order from them and then use your other personality to call them a dumbass when you get to the sidestand!

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You always like to keep people guessing and today is no different. When your boss asks you how you are, don’t answer. Just smile. And then frown. And then smile again. Your inconsistent nature will win out when your boss stops talking to you which is exactly what you wanted in the first fucking place.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You know you love yourself, but pull away from the mirror for three minutes to pay attention to a table today who will want to give you a special compliment. Brace yourself, because it’s going to be a backhanded compliment, but take it anyway. And then fart as you walk away.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You do this every day anyway because you like to be organized and analytical, but write down your orders today because someone will question what you serve them. And then you can look at your order pad and say, “No, bitch. I wrote that shit down.” And is that a love interest in the kitchen or just someone who wants you to go get them a Coke?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Almost everyone gets along with you, Libra, but don’t take that for granted. Beware of a coupon-carrying old man who is going to decide he does not like you when you explain to him that his coupon is just as expired as his right to keep on breathing. Don’t let it get you down. He’ll kick the bucket eventually and then everyone in the world will like you again. Smile even though it’s fake.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Your intense nature will serve you well today when a coworker questions your work ethic. All you need to do in order to answer that question is stare at them, your eyes boring a hole right through their soul until they sulk away like the asshole coward they are. You’re used to treating people with loyalty and kindness, but that person can eat a bag dicks.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Try to get some extra sleep before you go to work today because you will need more than your normally positive outlook to get through the shit show the stars have planned for you today. And if you can’t get in a nap, do a shot of tequila. Seriously. Today is going to suck ass. Call out if you can.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your active mind and your need to be in control is flying out the window today thanks to Jupiter being all up in Uranus today. Take notice of a customer with blond hair who can change the direction of your day. It might not be the direction you want, but it’s better than what Uranus has in mind.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
It’s a good thing you don’t care what others think about you because someone in your section today plans on writing a shitty Yelp review about you. But then you will characteristically take that opportunity and run with it by sending that bad review to Bitchy Waiter who will consequently rip them a new asshole. Lucky number: 9!

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You are a very good friend and an even better listener, but you will not want to hear what one of your tables is going to want to order today. They won’t look at the menu and they will be allergic to every single thing you have to offer. Fear not. The walk-in is your friend. Go in there and scream until you feel better and then go serve that bitch a bowl of ice cubes.

If Your Birthday Is Today
Big fucking deal. What do you expect, a free dessert or a bunch of random strangers to stand around and sing to you? Nobody cares about your birthday except you and a few friends of yours who will call you or text you out of obligation. Happy birthday.

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Girl Loots Cheesecake Factory to Change the World

America has found her new hero when it comes to standing up for racial inequality. Step aside, Martin Luther King, Jr. Have a seat, Rosa Parks. We have a brand new figure who will go down in history for doing more for racial discord than any other human being the world has ever known. When a small fraction of protestors in downtown Seattle turned to rioting and looting last week, a Cheesecake Factory was among those businesses affected. It wasn’t long before a local news crew caught this unnamed hero casually walking down the street with an entire cheesecake in her hand along with what appears to be a couple of wine glasses. While other protesters were carrying signs that said ‘I can’t breathe” or marching in honor of the life of George Floyd who was murdered by police in Minneapolis, this woman did something that really mattered: she stole a cheesecake. But who is this masked avenger? Where did she muster the courage to do something so very brave and so very important?

I wanted to know who this woman was, so I did some Internet sleuthing to find out. (No, I didn’t)  After days and days of exhaustive research, I finally tracked her down. (Again, I did not do this.) I reached out to her and she agreed to answer a few questions. (Once more, not true.)

Bitchy Waiter: Thanks so much for agreeing to talk to me.

Samantha: Thank you for reaching out. My name is Samantha.

BW: So, tell me, what exactly happened that day in downtown Seattle?

S: Well, I went down there to protest. I totally believe in black lives matter and all that and I just  wanted to, you know, be a part of it.

BW: Can you explain what you mean by “it?”

S: Ummm…

BW: Do you mean that you wanted the world to know that you can no longer tolerate the injustices that happen in this country to people of color and that too many police officers are killing black men and women and then not paying the price for their actions?

S: I guess so.

BW: And did you want to expose the hypocrisy of our nation in the sense that two weeks ago white people were storming capitol buildings to protest the fact that they couldn;t get haircuts or go to restaurants and while protesting they were holding semi-automatic rifles yet police officers never once used tear gas or rubber bullets on any them? And then this week when thousands more people are protesting for the rights of a black man who was killed by a white cop for allegedly using a counterfeit bill the police seem to have no problem using tear gas and rubber bullets?

S: Sure, that.

BW: And how did the cheesecake end up in your hands and why?

S: Oh, well I was walking by the Cheesecake Factory and people were breaking the windows and everything and I was like, hey, I like cheesecake.

BW: So you just took a fucking cheesecake?

S: And two wine glasses.

BW: And how the fuck is that helping anyone who is out there peacefully protesting in an effort to make change?

S: It has strawberries too.

BW: Look, I’m glad you’re out there raising your voice because if enough people raise their voices loud enough maybe eventually someone will fucking hear them, but taking a cheesecake is diluting the effort of literally thousands and thousand of people and I can’t imagine that the family of George Floyd would want you to steal a cheesecake in his name.

S: Who’s George Floyd?

BW: Get the fuck outta here, girl.

CLICK HERE TO DONATE TO BLACK LIVES MATTER

Please note: This is fucking satire. 

Happy Birthday to Me?

Thank you to my dear friend Timmy Brown for this incredible portrait.

Today is my birthday. It certainly isn’t the birthday I had envisioned a few weeks months ago when I had anticipated stopping by The Donut Pub on 14th Street on my way to work to get a couple dozen sugary treats to celebrate with coworkers. Even during a year when there isn’t a global pandemic, I tend to opt for smaller birthday celebrations. Years ago, I gave up meeting large groups of friends at bars and restaurants to celebrate because the stress of divvying up the check proved to be too much for me. This year, with New York City still being under a lockdown, it was easier for friends to understand why I didn’t want to gather en masse. Simple birthdays are my favorite and this year will be just that: a birthday cake made by my husband and an obscenely large plate of nachos for dinner with an even larger pitcher of margaritas.

I won’t say it’s feels comfortable having people wish me a “happy” birthday today because there are so many people in this country and our world who have so little chance of being happy right now. We have lost over 100,000 people to COVID in the United States and anyone who says it’s “just a flu” apparently doesn’t seem to understand that the flu might kill 60,000 people over the course of a year and that’s with a vaccine available. COVID has killed nearly twice that many people in just four months. How many of the families of those victims are happy right now? Few of them.

The people rioting in Minneapolis over the murder of George Floyd and others protesting in Louisville, Kentucky over the shooting of Breonna Taylor are not happy today. They shouldn’t be. It’s a disgrace what’s happening to people of color in this country, senselessly being killed by police officers for no good reason. Don’t they deserve happness?

Hong Kong seems to be is losing their autonomy from China, twenty-seven years sooner than the agreed upon time and those citizens are standing up for what they know is right, protesting and rallying. Are they happy to be looking at a very different kind future? No.

It’s my birthday, and rather than be happy, I choose to be grateful this year. While I am sad that yesterday I was laid off from a job I‘ve been at for nine years, I’m grateful that I can still pay my bills and mortgage. While I’m disappointed that I can’t go to my favorite Mexican restaurant Rosie’s on the Lower East Side for birthday margaritas, I’m grateful that we have all the makings for  pomegranate Mezcal margaritas right here in our apartment. While I’m wistful about not being able to go the New York Botanical Gardens during my favorite season, I’m grateful that my friend Kendall brought me a bouquet of flowers today and placed them at our door.

This is an odd birthday to be sure, but everything in our world is odd right now. We can’t control what’s happening, but we have 100% control on how we respond to things. So rather than be sad, disappointed or wistful, we can choose to be grateful. And maybe, just maybe after a couple of margaritas and a slice of chocolate cake with pink sour cream frosting and sprinkles, I might allow myself a tiny bit of happiness. There’s a lot going on right now and finding happiness isn’t the easiest thing to do. Happy birthday? Maybe. Grateful birthday? Abso-fucking-lutely.

Kathy Hill Goes Off on Red Lobster Employees

As restaurants across the country struggle to re-open in a way that’s safe for employees and customers while still being economically feasible, tensions are running high for everyone involved. A simple scan of the Chili’s facebook page is chockfull of complaints from people upset about how long they had to wait for curbside pickup and how the food was cold or incorrect when they finally got it. Never mind that these workers are doing their best in a bad situation.

And then we have this video of a woman named Kathy Hill who straight up went off on Red Lobster employees after she waited three hours for her food.

Bitch Kathy must have really wanted some of those cheddar bay biscuits, because I can’t imagine waiting three hours for anything except maybe Splash Mountain at DisneyWorld if at the end of the ride I was greeted with a tsunami of tequila. Granted, three hours is a very long time and I can understand why Kathy would want a refund. Hell, I would have asked for that refund after 45 minutes. What Kathy fails to comprehend is that throwing punches at people isn’t going to get that refund processed any faster. We see the staff forcibly removing her from the premises, but it’s not until she tries to slap someone that things goes really bad. I’m especially impressed with the guy who grabs Kathy’s hair in order to keep from being hit again. I’m also surprised that her dry ass hair didn’t  just break off in his hands. If Kathy ever does get her food from Red Lobster, I would suggest she uses some of the grease for a hot oil treatment for that haystack on her head.

Customers need to understand that restaurants that are doing curbside pickup are doing so with a greatly reduced staff. They are working while wearing masks and gloves which makes the kitchen feel even hotter than it already is. This is a new era and there are a lot of kinks for them to figure out; it’s not easy. Some of those workers are only there because if they say no to the job, their unemployment insurance will be yanked away from them. They have no choice. Kathy does have a choice. In fact, she has three:

  1. She can stay at home to make her own Mother’s Day meal or get someone in her family to do it for her.
  2. She can accept that restaurants are fucked up right now and that wait times are possibly unbearable.
  3. She can go fuck herself. (I added this third option after a reader suggested it.)

There you have it, Kathy. You say you were assaulted, but by the looks of the video, you did your own fair share of it. Your refund will show up, but anyone who owns a credit card should know it doesn’t happen immediately. It takes some time. In the course of the next 3-5 business days while it is being processed, think about how you yelled, screamed, spit at, hit and abused minimum wage workers who have been deemed essential just because you fell like you deserve some crunchy popcorn shrimp for Mother’s Day. Also, wear a fucking mask if you’re going out in public. Not wearing one makes you look like a self-entitled asshole who only cares about herself. Oh, wait.