Category Archives: the rapture

A Revelation!

Today is May 22, 2011. It looks like we all survived The Rapture yesterday. It was supposed to occur at 6:00 PM in New York City and I had a shift scheduled for 7:00. Since I always put 100% of my faith in 89 year old crazy evangelists, I totally assumed that I would not have to go to work last night. By 6:30, it seemed like I better get my ass in gear and iron my uniform. And when I say “iron” I mean, pull it out of the dirty clothes hamper and smooth it out after scraping all the dried food off of it. I was totally rushed and barely got to work on time. Thanks a lot, Rapture. You totally suck. When I got there, I was told that our head chef didn’t show up for work, so I was to be prepared for a clusterfuck of an evening. My first thought was that he had been taken unto the bosom of Christ, but it turns out that he is sorta a loser and probably just got too drunk to bother with employment. A real pro. My station was already sat. My first table had two of the brattiest children I have ever seen. Another table had a two senior citizens who immediately ordered hot teas and my other table asked for separate checks before I even said hello. “Maybe the Rapture did occur, ” I thought. “Is this is my own personal hell?” When one of the kids threw his sippy cup onto the floor spilling his milk all over the fucking place I was pretty certain that this was in fact Hades. This was no ordinary brat. This was the spawn of the devil sitting at booth number seven and it was my eternal destiny to constantly pick up crap off the floor after he continually throws it there.

The kitchen was slower than Abe Vigoda trying to get an erection and it was a constant battle to get a dessert out of there without it taking more than 15 minutes. And this was a slow night. It seemed like a Tuesday shift, not a Saturday. Perhaps people had really expected Judgement Day and that is why no one came into the restaurant last night. Had people barricaded themselves in their bunkers and basements and just stayed there all night? Had the rain from the afternoon kept people from wanting to venture out into the evening? Possibly, but my guess is that everyone stayed home to watch Pretty in Pink that was on Nickelodeon last night. How can you resist the temptation of Molly Ringwald and Jon Cryer (in his pre-Two and a Half Men days).

The evening plodded on without any major disruptions other than slow kitchen times. I had one table of four ask me to please leave a pitcher of water on the table because they were all heavy drinkers. Of water. I acquiesced because I aim to please. It was also going to be easier than filling water glasses every thirty seconds. All of a sudden Moe takes it off the table and chastises me because it “looks bad.” Moe is not my boss. He is not a manager. He is a waiter, just like me. I always ignore him but last night I actually stood up to him. “They want it there, Moe. They drink a lot of water.” I said.
“Well, you should just keep filling it up then.”
“They want it there, Moe.”
“But it looks bad.”
“Moe. Listen to me. They asked for a pitcher of water for the table and I gave it to them. If that’s what they want, they can have it.”
“Leave. The. Pitcher. Moe. Done. Got it?”

Moe sculked off and I patted myself on the back for finally letting this guy know he needs to keep out of my face. It was my on little rapturous redemption. So maybe God didn’t come down and swoop folks up to Heaven with him, but in my own little world, there was a revelation. It felt nice to let my balls out a bit. For ten weeks, I have been the “new guy” and didn’t want to ruffle the feathers of the people who have been there for years. But last night, I stood my ground and maybe Moe will now leave me the fuck alone. It may not be the end of the world but it’s quite possibly a new beginning.

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Caught Up in The Bitchy Rapture

Seeing that today is the day of rapture and some of us will be taken into the loving bosom of the Lord Jesus Christ our savior in Heaven, I must acknowledge this historic moment. This could very well be the last post I ever write. If the predictions are true, on May 21st at 6:00 PM (in your time zone) the world will begin to quake and it is the beginning of the end. This, according to 89 year old Harold Camping who is the founder of Family Radio. The saved Christian souls will ascend to heaven, including those dead and buried. All others will remain as the Earth falls into fiery chaos. I can only assume that I will be one left in the fiery chaos since, you know, I’m a bitch and all that. It sucks because it’s just one week until my birthday too. Total bummer. So I thought I could give you a few pointers on how to prepare for the rapture and judgement day:

  • Go out to eat tonight and leave your waiter a huge tip. Just max out your credit card. If the bill is $47 and you have $1689 left of credit on your account, you should leave the waiter $1689. Your generosity may score you some bonus points and get you into Heaven.
  • Stock up on sun screen. We will still have five months before the world ends and I suspect it’ll be pretty warm with all the fire and brimstone and shit.
  • Discard any plans you had for your Halloween costume because the world will be done on October 21st and you probably won’t need a costume in hell.
  • Go to iTunes or YouTube and download Blondie’s “Rapture” or Anita Baker’s “Caught Up in the Rapture” because I am pretty sure if you are playing one of those songs when God comes down, you get a “Get Out of Hell Free” card.
  • Since my birthday is May 29th, you should just go ahead and click here to give me my present now.
  • When you see that guy in the subway tunnel between the 7 train and the F train who screams about the Bible, just tell him, “Hey, can you save me a seat tomorrow?”
  • Go see Bridesmaids because I heard it’s really funny and I have a feeling it won’t be as funny on Sunday when you are surrounded by demons, devils and flames. Who knows, though. That Kristen Wiig is one funny lady and her humor may be funny enough to put Armageddon in its place.
  • Call this place to make sure your pets are taken care of. Apparently, all dogs don’t go to Heaven and you need to make arrangements or Fluffy and Fido are gonna be wandering around down here all alone.
  • Make sure you take some Dramamine, because if you are one of the lucky few to ascend to Heaven, I suspect that it will be a long flight with much turbulence. I would also suggest taking some granola bars because I don’t think a meal is offered. Cocktails and other beverages may be available but as always, exact change is appreciated.
  • You might want to get your hair done because if you end up in Heaven, you want to look nice when you meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. If you don’t go to Heaven, you should be able to get an appointment at any salon after Saturday because so many of them are owned and operated by the gays and they are total sinners who will never get into Heaven no matter how hard they try.
  • Just go ahead and tell your boss, “Fuck off, asshole. Go to Hell!” See what happens.
  • If you were planning on doing laundry this weekend, don’t bother.
  • Ask your Jewish friends if they can water your plants for you when you are taken up and they are left behind for being non-believers in Jesus Christ.
  • If you are meek, prepare to inherit the earth. Congratulations!
  • Place your “Honk If You Love Jesus” bumper sticker on your front door so God knows where to find you.
  • You don’t want to show up to Heaven empty handed. It’s rude. Might I recommend Rapture® by Victoria’s Secret? Jesus’ mom will appreciate the thought.
  • When you go out tonight, drink as many margaritas as you want because your hangover won’t matter tomorrow. You can either ask God for an aspirin when you get to his place or you can just sleep it off. Chances are good that you won’t have to go to work tomorrow because the world will need a couple of days to adjust to everything. I would think by Monday or Tuesday the trains in New York City will be running again with occasional delays. You might be able to go to work late on Monday too. Just use the old “Sorry, I was caught up in the rapture” excuse. It works every time.

Good luck everyone. And good bye. Or see you later. Or see you tomorrow. Whatever. God Bless.

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