Category Archives: Applebee’s

Applebee’s Loves Wedding Anniversaries

Dear Lãdyîî,

First of all, congratulations on your one year anniversary of wedded bliss. We here at Applebee’s love celebrating noteworthy life events and wedding anniversaries are on the top of our list right after birthdays, graduations, job promotions, retirement, getting a new pet, paying of your mortgage, buying a new car, resanding your wood floors and getting over a nasty summer cold. Congratulations!

We are so happy you reached out to us to see what we might be able to do to make your special day a little bit more special. As mentioned above, we love celebrations and this is what you can expect from your local Applebee’s by simply letting us know it’s your one-year wedding anniversary:

  • Skip to the front of the line. That’s right, even if there are twenty other people waiting for a table, you and your beloved will be whisked away to the table of your choice. It won’t matter if someone is already sitting at a booth that you want. We will immediately move them out to the parking lot to finish their meal. Fuck them. You’re important.
  • Unlimited complimentary cocktails. Whether it’s one of our famous one dollar margaritas or a one dollar Mai Tai or a one dollar Hurricane, it’s all yours. Or we’ll create a special cocktail just for you, carefully crafted based on your specific tastes. And by the way, it won’t be served in an ordinary glass. It will come to you in a gallon size, custom engraved, golden souvenir chalice embellished with 100% authentic aquamarine semi-precious stones. (Please note: turquoise is also available but we need at least ten days advanced notice.)
  • Free Classic Combo appetizer. All the classic apps you love on one plate – Boneless Wings, Spinach and Artichoke Dip, Chicken Quesadilla and Mozzarella Sticks, all for a mere 2280 calories! But these aren’t our regular Mozzarella Sticks. This mozzarella is flown in from Castelluccio, Italy and is handmaid by a 98-year old Italian grandma. Every batch of mozzarella could be her last, because she is so damn old.
  • An complimentary entree of your choice. Sure, you can get our shrimp wonton stir-fry or riblet plate, but why not ask our chef for something special? After all, it’s your one-year wedding anniversary, right? We’d suggest our Aphrodisiac Platter which is only available for our most special of customers who are in the mood for love. It’s a bucket of raw oysters marinated in Spanish Fly and served with asparagus, chili peppers and watermelon. It’s gonna taste like shit, but it’s gonna make you want to skip dessert and go directly to the backseat of your car to do it like a couple of desperate horny bunnies. (We do ask that you refrain from having sex in our restroom or parking lot. This isn’t Red Lobster.)
  • Free dessert. It’s one thin mint, because honestly, you’ve had quite enough.
  • Free entertainment. While dining, we will ensure that every single employee who is working that shift, from the dishwasher to the manager, will personally greet your table and sing a verse of any Air Supply song of your choice. If your anniversary happens to fall on the third Wednesday of the month, Graham Russell and Russell Hitchcock, the actual members of Air Supply, will personally serenade you.
  • Two condoms. Just so we don’t have to worry about you showing up next year with an annoying three-month old bitch ass baby.

Lãdyîî, we are so excited to see you soon at one of our stores and thank you so much for reaching out to us. We are so grateful that you want us to be part of your very special day. If any of this interests you, please click here to make your reservation so we can prepare for your arrival. Happy anniversary!

-Applebee’s