I Just Discovered the Most Adorable Server Books

When I used to work at Bennigan’s back in the early 1890s, we were encouraged to come up with creative “flair” that would allow our true personalities to stand out as we served fried cheese and Monte Cristo sandwiches. I made several of my own aprons out of old fabric scraps my grandma had in a box and I even started making them for my co-workers.

That was so long ago and these days I would never find the time, creative energy or gumption to make my own apron. Besides, Bennigan’s is probably so corporate by now that they want all of their servers to look like identical polyester-wearing robots. However, if you are looking for a way to stand out from the other robo-hos at your job, there are so many server books that let you be unique without having to sew or wrap your corporate issue server book in decorative duct tape and stickers.

ServerBooks.com is a great website with so many cute server books and I wish I had these options back in the day. I have worked at my current restaurant for so long, that I hardly ever bother writing down an order, but I am seriously considering buying this pink sparkly one.Pink Glitter Server Books

That way, even if my personality doesn’t shine at work, at least my server book does.

I’m also eyeing this one with watermelons and pineapples on it because it reminds me of margaritas and piña coladas and if I can’t drink those at work, I at least want to think about them.Cute Summer Server Books for Waitresses

Anywho, I just wanted to put it out there, because whenever I see something that I think y’all might like, I want to share it with you. Check out their server books at www.serverbooks.com and if any of you get one, send me a photo of you using it at work! I’d love to see it.

An Olive Garden Breadstick Bouquet is Happening

Valentine’s Day is just a few days away and if you’re thinking of getting roses or candy for that special someone, you need to reconfigure you ideas for romance. Wake up, bitches. It’s 2019 and the only way to prove your true love is to buy your Valentine a bouquet of Olive Garden breadsticks.

Yes, this a real thing.

It’s not an actual menu item or anything, because even the higher ups at Olive Garden know how bat shit crazy this idea is, but they have created some bouquet wrapping paper that you can print out on your own. Then you have to hop, skip or jump over to your nearest Olive Garden to buy some breadsticks to-go and then wrap up your doughy sticks of love in the wrapping paper. Good luck with that, because if you’re printer is anything like mine, it’s going to come out half-printed, crooked, barely legible and look like crap because you bought the cheapest ream of paper available at Staples. You have six different options of wrapping paper and each and every one of them is cheesier than the Five Cheese Ziti al Forno.

  • Love at first bite.
  • ‘Till the breadsticks run out do us part.
  • We belong together like spaghetti and meatballs.
  • To have and to hold. And most importantly, to eat.
  • Roses are red, violets are blue. Here’s a bouquet of breadsticks I made for you.
  • My love for you is never ending.

Someone in the marketing department went all out with those sayings, but they forgot a few and I would like to offer my suggestions:

  • Each breadstick is a 140 calories. I love you, fat ass.
  • This was cheaper than a dozen long-stem roses.
  • I literally do not care about Valentine’s day at all.
  • Sorry about your yeast infection, but here’s some bread.
  • I’m breaking up with you.
  • My love for you is totally processed.
  • If you like this gift, we were made for each other.

Happy Valentine’s day, everybody. If you want to download the bouquet wrap, here’s the link.

And if you want a much better gift for the love of your life, click here for a personalized Bitchy Waiter video or here for a My Job is Real, My Smile is Fake t-shirt

NEWS FLASH: Paula Got Lint on Her New Navy Sweater

All of us have our own personal struggles we must cope with each day. Some struggles are easily identifiable, like my nose to face ratio. Others have issues that are hidden deep beneath the surface that only they know about it, but it doesn’t make their struggle any less real. No matter how difficult our life is, there is undoubtedly someone else who has it much worse. It’s the old “I complained I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet” situation, you know?

Enter Paula whose daily struggle is something that makes everyone else’s problem pale in comparison. She lives in Cleveland, but that’s not the only issue that she has to deal with. I do not know what her nose to face ratio is and I do not know if she has shoes or even feet. It matters not though, for Paula’s struggle is real and it’s horrific. It isn’t something that anyone else would have know about had she not decided to elaborate on it for for all the world to see. Prepare yourselves to learn of this daily struggle for it is the stuff of nightmares and I have heard that it might be the subject matter for Ryan Murphy’s next season of “American Horror Story” where Jessica Lange will tackle the most harrowing role of her career and play this put-put-upon woman.

Paula wore a pristine navy sweater to her favorite brunch spot and now and it’s all covered in white lint.

WHITE. LINT. (a moment of silence as you let the gravity of this situation sink in.)

We cannot live in a world where Paula gets white lint on her navy sweater, but thankfully Paula has a couple of suggestions that will solve the crisis:

“Please find an alternative.” One solution for Paula would be to simply not use a napkin and let that sweet, sweet food drool drip off her lips and directly onto her sweater. Or better yet, use the sweater as the napkin, therefore eliminating the problem altogether. Personally, I think it would be easier to remove some napkin lint from a sweater than buffalo wing sauce and a few tablespoons of Ranch dressing, but what do I know? I don’t even own a navy sweater.

“Maybe I should start getting lint-y clothes dry cleaned and send you the bills.” Yes, Paula, do that. And while you’re at it, send the your gas receipts to the restaurant too so they can pay for your drive over. And let them pay for the dental floss, toothpaste and toothbrush that you will use when you extricate the remains of the half rack double-glazed baby back ribs that you shoved into your gullet.

“What’s wrong with black?” The trouble with black napkins is that when you wear your new, pristine ivory sweater, you’ll be right back on Facebook complaining about the black lint, Paula.

“Or napkins that don’t generate a bale of lint?” Again, Paula, just use your sweater to wipe your mouth. Or maybe paper napkins. Or a wet wipes. Or bring your own fucking napkin when you go out to eat. Or just don’t go out to eat.  

I hope you all join with me to send Paula some positive energy and prayers as she struggles through this disaster of epic proportions. Eating out is hard, y’all, especially when you want to wear your new, pristine navy sweater that you bought at Chico’s for 40% of the sale price and then you took an additional 5% off because you got a Chico’s credit card and agreed to join their mailing list. Be strong, Paula. You got this.

Rest in Peace, Applebee’s Servers Who Have to Sell $1 Hurricanes

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to remember those souls we have lost on this, the first day of February in the 2019th year of our lord. So many of these cherished souls withered up and blew away in the wind like old Doritos dust on the stubby fingers of a famished clopener. And why did so many perish on this sad, sad day? What catastrophic event could possibly occur that would cause such vast human suffering?

Applebee’s is selling $1.00 Hurricane’s for the entire month of February in an effort to drum up excitement about Mardi Gras, and also in the process, make every server and bartender who works at Applebee’s to question their very existence. Hordes and whores of people will show up to their local Applebee’s with a crisp five-dollar bills in their sweaty palms ready to get their drank on by buying four watered down cocktails and tipping a quarter each time.

“The Hurricane cocktail is a classic rum drink with close ties to New Orleans and Mardi Gras,” said Patrick Kirk, vice president of beverage innovation at Applebee’s, in a press release. “A DOLLAR HURRICANE is a great reason to celebrate the season and from now until March 5, Applebee’s is going to ‘party like it’s Mardi.’” He goes on to say, “Our customers deserve the very finest of ingredients, but in the case we’ve decided to just give them a glass of whatever the fuck we had the most of, call it a ‘hurricane’ and sell it for a dollar. It’s a great way for us to clean out our inventory and also give the appearance that we are doing something special for our customers. It’s a win-win.”

Any Applebee’s employee who survives this month long promotion can look forward to April where the next promotion will be for a drink called the “April Fool.” The cocktail will consist of carbonated water, lemon seeds, a dash of bitterness with an apathy float and will cost fifty cents each or two for a dollar. As for the employees who, upon learning of the $1.00 Hurricane, fell to the floor and never got up again: rest in peace, bitches.

8 Ways the Bartender Made Me Hate Him

My husband and I went out to dinner to a restaurant we’d never been to, but a place that calls itself “Redacted Because I Feel Kinda Bad” sounds like an open invitation for decadence, so we went. Upon hearing they had a happy hour, we were even more intrigued. We sat at the bar as we always do and within minutes, I knew I had to write a blog post about our bartender because he was like a walking advertisement of everything you should not do as a bartender. I really didn’t like him and I tried to, I really did. He just gave me so many reasons dislike him.

And here they are:

  1. He didn’t say hello to us. At least pretend like you want to be there. I mean, I know you don’t, because who the fuck wants to be at work, but come on. Fake it. That’s what we do in the service industry.
  2. He was clearly aggravated that I couldn’t read the happy hour menu. It was a tiny sign posted on the bar wall way too far away for my 51-year-old eyes to read. When I asked him what it said, he handed me a table tent that had the same info on it. His irritation was obvious. His eyes may be twenty-five years younger than mine, but my attitude is twenty five years older than his, so this bish needs to watch it.
  3. Giving us menus seemed like it was a pain in the ass for him. Yes, we wanted to eat, so yes we needed menus. The menus were not carved in granite tablets so I could have done without the audible sigh when he placed them before us as if it took every last ounce of strength he had in his body to move them from one shelf to the bar.
  4. He didn’t pour us water. I don’t expect water to automatically appear, but when we asked for water, making sure to say please, he hurriedly placed two empty glasses before us and returned thirty seconds later with a full bottle for us. This bottle, he placed on the edge of his side of that bar and walked away without so much as a look in our general direction. If you’re not going to pour it, at least put the bottle close enough for me to reach it without having to sprawl across the bar to do it myself.
  5. He never asked how our food or drinks were. It’s. Your. Job. The food and drinks were all more than fine, but if there had been an issue, I would have had to flag him down and pull him away from his own reflection in the mirror behind the bar. He cleared our dirty plates without even talking to us.
  6. He wasn’t personable at all. I don’t need to become best friends with my server or bartender, but if you’re a bartender, you should expect to have to make at least a little bit of fucking small talk to your customers. You’re literally standing directly in front of me for 90% of the time I’m eating, so to avoid all conversation seems like more trouble than it’s worth. If you don’t want to talk to your customers too much, be a server so you can hide in the side stand or the kitchen. As a bartender, you don’t get that option. Suck it up, buttercup.
  7. He was in no hurry to run my credit card. I placed it on the check immediately upon receiving it, but then he ignored it for at least five minutes, which was weird because the whole time we were there it seemed like he couldn’t wait for us to get the fuck out. And then the second he had the opportunity to get us out of his bar, he ignored us. I watched him walk past it at least four times, but I guess checking out his hair and talking to his co-workers was more important than running our credit card.
  8. He didn’t say goodbye or thank you as we left. I said both of them. Totally fine. It’s clear this guy either hates being at work or hates us. If he wasn’t gay, I’d have thought he was a big ol’ homophobe, but he was flamier than a fire at a Yankee Candle Outlet Store, so maybe he just doesn’t like older gay men. Or maybe he just sucks at his job and is a miserable person.

Overall, the whole meal was lacking. While the food was good and the drinks were more than fine, we never felt like anyone was happy we were there. As servers and bartenders, it’s part of our job to contribute to the overall dining experience of our customers. If a restaurant has great service and decent food I am much more willing to go back than if a place has bad service and decent food. Too many restaurants forget how much the service affects the likelihood of a customer returning.

Yes, I still tipped this bartender 20% and even though he had his back to us far too often, his ass was beautiful so that was alright.

Fired Employee Shares Video of Roaches in Popular Restaurant

There’s a hot dog place in downtown Chicago called Portillo’s that’s making waves and not because of their famous wieners, but because of the number of roaches they allegedly have crawling all the hell around. Former employee Antwoine Johnson shared video of the cockroaches to WGN9 in Chicago.

Johnson says he was fired after excessive absences while he was dealing with the death of his mother and his brother over the Christmas holidays. A Portillo’s spokesperson claims that Johnson threw a chair when he was told he was being fired. Whatever happened, we know two things: the guy was fired and the restaurant has roaches.

Now look, we’ve all seen the occasional roach at our restaurant. It ain’t no big thing, right? We do our best to keep them away, but those bitches are as persistent as a senior citizen with an expired coupon. We call the exterminator and hope for the best. However, this video looks pretty bad. The roaches are walking around without a care in the world, brazenly crawling across the milkshake machine like they’re taking a stroll in Central Park.

Merle the Cockroach: Hey, Edna, wanna crawl out from our nest and go see what’s happening on the countertop today?

Edna the Cockroach: Oh, honey I would love to, but I’m about to lay 100 eggs and then I was gonna go poop all over the hot dog buns afterwards, can I take a rain check?

Merle the Cockroach: No worries, I’ll see if Charlie and Frankie wanna go with me. Maybe we can meet later at the to-go lids?

Edna the Cockroach: Perfect! I’ll see if Annie wants to join us. She loves the to-go lid area. That’s where she always lays her eggs.

Johnson says he is not a disgruntled employee and he had seen the roaches many times before. “We reported it to the managers and some were like, ‘Just brush it along and to keep on going.’ I thought it was a problem and I reported it every time, but there was nothing done about it.” When asked how often he saw them, he replied “Every day that I worked, at least three or four times a day.” Again, he says he’s not a disgruntled employee.

I do find it suspect that it wasn’t until after he was fired that he felt the need to suddenly share this video with the news. I mean, if he was so bothered by it, why didn’t he give them the video while he still worked there? Uh huh, Antwoine. Shady as fuck.

There are so many lessons to be learned here:

  1. If you see roaches in your restaurant, tell management so the problem can be handled.
  2. Video the roaches so they can know how big the problem is.
  3. Save that video so that you can use it to get yourself 15 minutes of fame and drag your former employer down into the gutter in case they ever fire your ass.