Man Repeatedly Shares TMI in His Yelp Reviews

You know I loves me some Yelp reviews, especially the 1-star ones where the reviewer has a stupid reason for giving one star. Well, today’s review is slightly different. Pete H. went to Pine State Biscuits in Portland, Oregon and thought the shrimp and grits was “nothing special” and the gravy “kind of yucky.” He is certainly entitled to his opinion and since he is an “Elite” member of Yelp, apparently his opinion is more important than anyone else’s. What I find interesting about Pete’s review is how much unnecessary information about his bodily functions he inserts into it.

“I felt crappy after eating here and was belching for 3-4 hours and could distinctly smell the food coming up.”

Okay, that’s gross. Just reading about him smelling his own burps makes me want to throw up. And trust me, when I throw up, I will not be writing a review about what it smelled like.

“I didn’t feel better until I went to the restroom 6 hours later and let out a lot of gas.”

And now he wants to let us know that he sat on the toilet and farted a lot? C’mon, Elite Pete! A simple “the food didn’t sit well with my stomach” would have sufficed, but now anyone who reads your review is going to have to picture you grunting out a biscuit? Sometimes, less is more, but Pete seems to think that since he is an Elite Yelp reviewer, he needs to give us every detail about his gastrointestinal disorders. Why stop there? Why not tell us what kind of toilet paper you use and then snap a picture of your stool and link it to your Instagram? Or better yet, you can write a review about your poop! Was it a floater or a sinker? Did it break apart? What shade of brown was it?

It seems that Pete is accustomed to sharing too much information on Yelp. Take this review for OHSO Brewery where he writes, “We both had gas a few hours after eating here.  And in fact, we both had gas all through the next day.  I had diarrhea from this and felt better after I went to the bathroom.”

Ugh, stop it. Stop telling the world of Yelp about your gas. Take some Imodium and step away for the laptop, Pete.

And what about this one for a place called The Larder + The Delta: “The braised pork belly sandwich gave me a bad grease headache. The kind you get from eating cheap grease such as hot dogs or cheap pizza. Plate was loaded with tons of grease.”

I have never heard of a “bad grease headache” and I wonder if it’s akin to brain freeze when you eat ice cream too quickly. And by the way, Pete, if you go to a restaurant that literally has the word “lard” in the name, you’re probably going to be eating some fucking grease; cheap, expensive or otherwise.

I can just hear Pete ordering his hot dog at the baseball stadium. “Yes, is the hot dog made with your finest grease available or is it your standard run of the mill cheap grease?” Bitch, please. It seems like the bigger problem here is your digestive tract. If everything you eat gives you headaches, gas and the runs, maybe you should stick with bland food and ice cubes. Nobody on Yelp gives a flying crap about your flying craps.

Read Pete H.‘s review of Pine State Biscuits on Yelp

If We Could Write Yelp Reviews About Our Customers

Since customers can write reviews about us on Yelp all the damn time, I decided to write a review about some of my customers from last week:

It was a slow night at the restaurant. It was 96° when I was walking to my dinner shift so I wasn’t expecting much. There was also rain in the forecast. That, coupled with the piddling excuse we have for A/C, kept my expectations very low for the evening. Against my better judgment, I went ahead and wiped down the patio only to have it start raining twenty minutes after I was done. I decided to not wipe it down again because the humidity level made it feel like we we were living inside a mouth. We close at 11:00 and by 9:45, the last customer had already left. I prayed that we would close early, but God never seems to answer that prayer for me, so we stayed open. At 10:10, a couple came in wanting to sit on the patio despite the extreme mugginess. I explained to them that everything was wet because it had rained again not thirty minutes before. They asked me to wipe it down for them. I led them to the patio and told them to pick a table. “Which one?” they asked. “It doesn’t matter because I have to wipe down whichever one you choose,” I told them. They chose the four top explaining that two more people were joining them. “And can you wipe down the chairs too?” they asked. Like I wasn’t going to fucking do that…

Their friends showed up five minutes later and the four of them sat in the sauna we call the patio. They decided to only drink which meant that any chance of this being a decent check was now out the window. They ordered for drinks. Ten minutes later, the two guys ordered two more. At 10:40, I gave them last call because they needed to know that it’s about time to wrap this shit up. The two guys ordered two more drinks, despite having two full ones in front of them. At 10:55, I gave them the check for $86.00. At 11:10, they gave me two credit cards. This is when I noticed they were blatantly ignoring the “NO SMOKING ON THE PATIO” sign that was right fucking next to them. Their glasses were full of cigarette butts.

One guy left me $4 and the other left me $6. Ten bucks, half of which goes to the bartender. They left at 11:30 and I was five dollars richer. I’d have rather left 45 minutes earlier with five less dollars.

One star for these assholes. Not worth my time. Rude. Smelled like ashtrays. The women looked like skanks. One of the men was wearing acid washed jeans. I would never wait on them again. Go fuck yourselves.

Read the full review here.

Woman Doesn’t Understand “No Kids’ Policy

Every restaurant is allowed to determine their own policy regarding how they want to run their business. Once that policy is determined, it is up to customers to decide if they want to eat there or not. Old Fisherman’s Grotto in Monterey, California decided that their policy was one that did not include children eating there. On their Yelp page, it even states:

No high chairs.
No Booster chairs
Strollers not permitted in the restaurant.
Children crying or making loud noises are a distraction to other diners and as such are not allowed in the dining room.

Pretty clear, right? Well, not for a woman named Christine V. who recently gave them a 1-star review and also wanted the policy explained to her so she can comprehend it. I am here for you Christine. The folks at Old Fisherman’s Grotto are probably sick and tired of explaining the policy to thick-headed customers like you, so I will do it for them:

They don’t want your kids there, okay? You can threaten to never “darken their door” and you can encourage all of your stroller mom friends to avoid it like the plague but that’s not really a threat. If you and your friends have kids who need high chairs, they don’t want you there anyway. So by not going, you are doing exactly what they want. That’s like a vegetarian threatening to never go to steak house. The steak house don’t care and neither does Old Fisherman’s Grotto. The policy also states ”Old Fisherman’s Grotto is a relatively small restaurant and we found that having strollers and/or high chairs at the tables and in the aisles made it difficult to have full access to get to and around tables. For the safety of our staff and guests we adopted a stroller policy 5 years ago. We adopted our children’s policy in 2011 to provide an overall enhanced dining experience for guests who frequently dine at the restaurant, by giving them an alternative place to eat on Fisherman’s Wharf that has a quiet atmosphere.” That’s it, Christine. They want their restaurant to be a place where adults can be assured they will not have to endure the screaming wrath of a pissed off toddler whose mom dragged them in there even though there might be nothing on the menu that a two-year old wants to eat. Basically, they don’t want you there, Christine. There are literally dozens and dozens of other restaurants in Monterey, California that you and your child can darken the door to, just not Old Fisherman’s Grotto.

How can I make this more clear?

  • You and your crotch fruit are not welcome.
  • Take your crumbsnatcher someplace else.
  • Your cum sprout isn’t wanted.
  • Hoe biscuits are not allowed.
  • Your womb turd will be turned away.
  • One person’s bundle of joy is another person’s walking ejaculation.
  • Take your spawn elsewhere.

if it still isn’t clear, you might want to read chapter three of my book. CLICK HERE. That chapter is called “I Hate Your Kids.” I also offer this video for you, Christine:

Read Christine V.‘s review of Old Fisherman’s Grotto on Yelp

Did Gordon Ramsay Really Call This Woman an Old Bag? (He Did)

Everyone in the restaurant industry knows who Gordon Ramsay is. He’s a chef and because his restaurants have like 16 Michelin stars, he can basically say whatever he wants to say to anyone because he’s got the credentials to back it up. We’ve seen him verbally assault chefs, cooks, and employees on his shows Kitchen Nightmares, Hell’s Kitchen and The F Word, but this video that has surfaced of him taking down a customer is my absolute favorite of all.

This is my cue to make a shrine to Gordon Ramsey and light a candle for him each and every day. The shrine will live happily next to the pre-existing shrines I have for tequila, Mindy Cohn and The Brady Bunch.

Behold the wonder of King Gordon Ramsay as he confronts a customer who thinks the food is terrible when he knows it isn’t. And yes, he calls her an “old bag” right to her old bag face.

Brilliant.

Server Takes Own Life, Co-Worker Mourns

Very often, our co-workers at the restaurant become more than co-workers; they become friends. And every so often, some of those friends become our family. So many of us who spend our days in a restaurant can easily refer to the people we work with as our “dysfunctional” family, but family none the less. This week I got a message that broke my heart. It came from someone who had one of her “family members” take her own life last week. Out of respect for the woman who sent the message and the woman who lost her life, I have concealed all identifying information. However, the sentiment remains intact.

Tonight, the Red Lobster in _______ , Ohio will not be the same. I can only imagine the atmosphere will be heavy. Not from the hazy, humid Ohio July day. But, because a veteran Lob took her life. Long gone are my days of being in the weeds and forgetting a side of ranch for table 123 on the deck. But I’ll never forget the tiny sweet girl I met when I first started. She was always such a kind gal with a small voice and big smile. Her passing has my heart hurting. And also has me reminiscing about the people who have touched my life, people from the restaurant world. I’ve had a few jobs but, I can honestly say I’ve never met anyone like folks in the restaurant business. My thoughts go out to the veterans who got to work so many years by her side. The newbies who got to spend some time with a special person. Her family and friends. I guess I’m sending you this to shed light on the camaraderie and bonds slinging drinks and taking orders can create. And that no matter the circumstances, we all deserve to be here. ❤️

It’s easy to complain about the people we work with, but just take a second to today to think about how empty your life might be if they were suddenly out of your life forever. Be nice to your co-workers. Appreciate them. Love them. And then tomorrow you can go back to complaining that someone didn’t do their sidework.

Rest in peace, dear server.

If you or someone you know is need of help, please click here for Crisis Text Line. (Yes, it’s a real link and not going to take you to my book, I promise.)

Little Girl Instantly Regrets Going Barefoot in Restaurant

A woman in Moscow, Idaho learned this week what exactly can happen when one lets a toddler run around barefoot in a restaurant. Mary Jo Foney took her 3-year-old Joanie to lunch at popular area restaurant, Doug’s Donuts Diner. “We wanted to go to the Applebee’s over on Warbonnet Drive, but I couldn’t find a parking spot close to the front door so we gave up and went to Doug’s,” says Foney. Once inside, Joanie quickly removed her shoes and began wandering around the restaurant completely unsupervised. What followed was a true tragedy.

Long time server, Honey B. Adger, knew it was not a good idea. “The moment I saw that little girl throw her shoes off, I knew it was going to be a problem. Them floors are a mess.”

Within two minutes, Joanie got a splinter on her heel from the well-worn hardwood floors. The tyke began crying and went to seek comfort from her mother. As she walked back to the table, her other foot grazed a piece of broken glass that had been there for two days when a bus boy dropped a tray of water glasses. “I saw it there yesterday, but didn’t get around to picking it up,” confirmed Adger. Now, with both of her feet hurt, Joanie’s wailing became louder and she began to run toward her mother. This is when she stubbed her toe on the high chair she had refused to sit in only minutes before. Coincidentally, this is the exact moment that a child at Booth 10 dropped an entire box of Legos onto the floor which Joanie promptly stepped on. As she fell to the ground, a 9″ rusty nail made it’s way into the arch of her left foot.

“I knew that was there too, but Honey B. Adger don’t care.”

By this point, the youngster’s feet are in severe pain. Suddenly, and without warning, someone across the restaurant yelled out, “the floor is lava!” and began counting down. Five seconds later, for reasons unknown, the floor did in fact turn into hot molten lava. The splinter, glass, stubbed toe, Lego injury, and rusty nail were no longer of consequence as the skin on the soles of her feet began to bubble and burn. Unfortunately at this time, a line cook accidentally spilled a box of salt, most of it landing directly in the wounds.

As the manager of the restaurant tried to assist the child, Mary Jo Foney was seen logging onto Yelp to leave a 1-star review. She also requested that her meal be wrapped up to go and that it be comped for her trouble.

Paramedics were called to the scene and the child was air-lifted to St. Luke’s Regional Medical Center in Boise where she is suffering from third-degree burns, gangrene, tetanus, scurvy, encephalitis, tendonitis, appendicitis, conjunctivitis and an unexplained rash on her neck that may or may not be poison ivy. Says chief of staff Dr. N.B. Carres, “If her mother made her wear her damn shoes in the restaurant, we wouldn’t even be here talking about this right now.”

The little girl is expected to make a full recovery.

A Go Fund Me account has been set up to help with medical expenses. Click here for more information.