This Woman Wanted a Meatball Pizza Bowl and Was Denied

A few days ago, I posted something about Olive Garden’s latest menu addition, a Meatball Pizza Bowl. Basically, it’s a bowl made out of pizza crust and then filled with balls of meat that are covered in cheese and sauce. I have never been a huge fan of Olive Garden, but I would totally eat that and then cry myself to sleep with shame right after sitting on the toilet to forcefully eject it from my colon. It would be a day of extreme highs and even lower lows. I went to the Olive Garden Facebook page to see what people had to say about this monstrosity of carbs and calories that I want to make violent love to and I came across this post by Catherine:

Saw FB ad for the meatball pizza bowl yesterday and it looked sooo yummy that we made the decision to go try it. We didn’t see it on the menu, so asked the waitress when she came over – – imagine our disappointment and disgust when we were informed that it isn’t available on Sundays as “it is a lunch item.” I looked at the waitress and said, “but it is lunch.” She then responded that it is only available during the weekdays! Wish that would have been noted in the ad and made the comment that it should be. As we were leaving (didn’t want anything else as had specifically come for the pizza bowl), the waitress informed us that we were the only ones to ask for it and so would just have to return on a weekday! **How could we be the only ones to ask when she had said early another waiter had gotten in trouble for accepting orders last Sunday for it!

I want Catherine to know that I feel her pain. Sometimes we just have a hankering to fill our gut with processed cheese and sub-par ingredients and nothing but a Meatball Pizza Bowl is going to fill that void. Catherine was so set on this particular combination of foods, that nothing else was going to scratch that itch. She was so filled with disappointment and disgust when she learned it was only available on weekday lunches, that she had to leave, presumably to go find a Meatball Pizza Bowl somewhere else, like maybe in a flaming dumpster behind the old Pizza Hut by the railroad tracks.

Let Catherine’s pain be a lesson for us all. If you are in need of a Meatball Pizza Bowl, make sure you only go to Olive Garden for lunch on a Monday through Friday, otherwise, you too will be slapped in the face with reality and that reality will be a sad plate of Parmesan Zucchini Bites and a Five Italian Cheese Fonduta. Saturday lunch? No Meatball Pizza Bowl! Sunday dinner? No Meatball Pizza Bowl! And to Olive Garden, I ask this of you:

How can you offer something so tempting and then surround it with a barrier called “dinner” or “the weekend?” Have you no soul? Catherine needs to experience the joy of 10 meatballs on her tongue, followed by the saltiness of parmesan, mozzarella and asiago and climaxing with a burst of tangy tomato sauce and you are going to deny her that pleasure? You’re an animal, Olive Garden, a cruel tempting vixen, teasing Catherine and the rest of us with the lure of a Meatball Pizza Bowl only to have that desire ripped away from us because it happens to be a Saturday lunch.

In Catherine’s honor, I have created a petition that we can all sign in an effort to persuade Olive Garden to allow this culinary masterpiece at any time, and not just Monday through Friday at lunch. Click here to sign it. Do it for Catherine.

 

How To Reheat Chocolate Molten Lava Cake from Chili’s

Because I am a waiter, I can’t help but jump at every opportunity to assist someone when it comes to matters of food and restaurant life. Serving is in my blood. Literally, my veins course with water, salt, proteins, red and white blood cells, platelets, a few ounces of tequila and some serving, so when I was reading the Chili’s Facebook page and saw that someone wanted to know how to reheat their Chocolate Molten Lava Cake, I wanted to help this woman. Never mind that Chili’s already answered her question with a half-assed answer telling her to put it in the microwave for thirty seconds. That might be an adequate way to reheat a Chocolate Molten Lava Cake, but this Chili’s customer deserves a better answer and I am here to serve. Yes, Carolyn, you could be a Basic Betty and put it in the microwave for thirty seconds, but don’t you deserve more? After all, if you are treating yourself to the luxury of a dessert from one of America’s finest restaurants, you should want it reheated to perfection. Here you go:

  1. Remove the cake from the plastic to-go container. Do this very carefully, for you do not want the cake to collapse. It is a delicate work of confectionary art and must be handled with care by the hands of a virgin. If a virgin is unavailable, plastic gloves are fine.
  2. Gently place the cake on a piece of ceramic earthenware that has never before seen the light of day. You can also use a slab of marble, solid quartz (not Silestone or some manufactured man-made quartz bullshit), Verano glass or a cedar plank made from the trees of Galilee. If none of these are available, a cookie sheet covered in aluminum foil is fine.
  3. Cover the cake with a hand-blown Chihuly glass bowl so it will distribute the heat evenly. There are no substitutions for this bowl. If you don’t have one, give up now and throw the Chocolate Molten Lave Cake into the trash can, because it will basically be a piece of garbage if you skip this step.
  4. Place the cake into a wood burning pizza oven that is heated to exactly 204.444 degrees celsius. It must be placed directly into the center of the oven and not off by even a fraction of an inch. This is what will ensure an even warming so that the chocolate lava will heat up to just the right amount and spew from its warm center at the correct viscosity. If you don’t have a pizza oven, a regular conventional oven will be fine as long is it is a model from 2017 and later.
  5. Set your timer for 7 minutes. Ideally, the timer will be of the hourglass variety with white grains of sand from a secret beach in Thailand. If not that, an egg timer will be fine.
  6. While the cake is warming, you should play a recording of Johann Sebastian Bach’s “Toccata and Fugue in D minor, BWV565.” That piece is 14 minutes long, so you will need to play it at twice its normal speed so that it will end at precisely the same time as the last grain of sand falls in the hour glass. A simple software program or app will help you play the piece at the correct speed.
  7. After seven minutes, have the virgin remove the cake from the oven and then have her remove the bowl. (If the virgin is unavailable or has lost her virginity in the last seven minutes, using an oven mitt is fine.) Throw the bowl away, for it has now peaked in usefulness and will never be worthy of anything again.
  8. Your Chocolate Molten Lava Cake is now ready. Top with Blue Bell vanilla ice cream and enjoy with a silver spoon from Marie Antoinette’s collection of French silverware. If that is unavailable, the plastic one from Chili’s is fine.

You’re welcome, Carolyn.

Not a Bitchy Blog Post

I was going to write a blog post today about a customer request that was made with an online reservation. The request was silly and unnecessary and would be a typical blog post for me that people would laugh at and relate to. Four sentences into it, it seemed so futile.

Looking at my Facebook and Twitter feeds, I am bombarded with stories about the school shooting in Florida that senselessly took the lives of 17 people. Maybe it’s 18, by now, but does it even matter? After the Las Vegas shooting where 58 people were killed, 17 or 18 is just a blip on our radar.

“Did you hear about the latest shooting?”

“Oh, no, how many people died?”

“Only seventeen.”

“Oh, good.”

Seriously? That’s where we are now? We are so emotionally detached from mass shootings that 17 people being killed seems like a “good” shooting. As I typed away writing about a customer who wanted to make sure they had a good table even though they weren’t wearing their usual Armani business suit or carrying the Coach briefcase they normally have, I knew that my heart wasn’t into it. I am sad today. And hearing about the unexpected death yesterday of my friend’s brother certainly didn’t help.

Life is fucking short, people. It’s precious and short and we never know when we will take our last breath. None of those people who went to that school yesterday knew it was the last time they would go there. My friend’s brother didn’t know that yesterday was the last time he would go to work. But it was for all of them. And now their friends and families are left without them.

I can’t write about stupid restaurant crap today. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to let the restaurant request go without blogging about it eventually because it’s absolute idiocy, but today just needs to be a day for reflection. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: tell someone you love them. Forgive someone for something. Appreciate someone in your life. Because if that someone is taken away from you by a random act of violence or a for any other reason, you are going to wish you had used every second of every day with that person.

Have a good day. Be kind to one another.

“A Table for Two A$$holes”

My restaurant opens at 5:00 for dinner. Being the opener, I arrive at 4:30 to restock, make the coffee, set the tables, polish the silverware, sweep the floor, and sit in the bathroom and cry. This day, I punch in at 4:31 and immediately pull the ketchups and butter from the reach-in. As I am filling the pitchers with water, two people waltz in as if they own the place.

“Hi, table for two and we need to use the restroom,” the man says.

I look at them and wish that either I had remembered to lock the door behind me or that the sign that says what time we open was about a million times bigger than it is. “Oh, we don’t open until 5:00, but you can use the restroom if you want,” I tell him.

“Well, can we just hang out?” he asks me.

“Well, we’re not open yet.”

“Can we have a drink while we wait?” he asks me.

“No, I literally just got here two minutes ago. We’re not open. But you can use the restroom.”

They both head to the back of the restaurant and each go into a restroom as I set up the bread station and restock the napkins. The guy finishes first and seats himself at table 15 to wait until the woman is finished. Or so I think. When the woman comes out of the restroom, she joins him at Table 16 and they start chatting like they are on a fucking park bench or on their couch at home and not sitting exactly where I always sit to eat my shift meal. (When I say “eat,” I mean “take a picture of it for my Instagram account before I throw most of it away.) This is when the bartender arrives.

“Sorry, I’m late,” she says. “Finding free parking is a bitch in this neighborhood. What the fuck?” she says when she spots the King and Queen of Assholeland.

“I know, I just fucking told them we’re not open, but I guess they’re gonna sit there until we are.”

This is when I look at the owner/chef of the restaurant and wish that, for just once, he wouldn’t avoid uncomfortable situations and go tell them to get the fuck out of here. But he doesn’t.

“Whatever…fuck it. I’m ignoring them until 5:00,” and I proceed to do my sidework making sure to be extra loud every chance I get. At 4:55, I see my two regulars Ann and Jerry park in front of the restaurant. They come in every Thursday at 5:00 and always sit at Table 16. I am not going to ask Ann and Jerry to sit somewhere else, so I go to talk to my unwelcome visitors.

“Guys, we’re just about ready to serve you now, but I have some regulars who sit here every Thursday at 5:00, so I’m gonna ask you to pick any other table in the restaurant.”

“Oh, not a problem,” says King Asshole. “We’ll sit on the patio.”

I look at the patio door which is sealed with tape to keep the winter winds from howling through the restaurant and also has a huge fern sitting directly in front of it.

“It’s 38 degrees outside,” I tell him.

“That’s alright, it’s kinda nice out.”

“Yeah, no. It’s winter. The patio is closed.”

“Oh, not a problem,” he repeats. “We’ll move to another table.”

They then move to Table 15 which is about 12 inches away from Table 16. Yes, I just told them that someone else is going to be sitting here and they don’t think it’s annoying to decide to sit directly next to them, despite the entire fucking restaurant being empty. I hate these people a lot. I intercept Ann and Jerry to explain why there is someone already here and why they are sitting next to them, but they are fine with it as long as I bring their Chardonnay and Malbec right away.

Mr. and Mrs. Asshole order their food and I try to be as nice as possible despite my severe dislike of them. All is well and good until I place his hamburger and fries in front of him.

“Oh, I didn’t want fries, I wanted vegetables,” he tells me.

“Well, you didn’t tell me that and the burger comes with fries.”

“I wanted kale.”

Kale? He wanted fucking kale with his burger? In what fucking restaurant does anyone go to where the burger automatically comes with kale? Maybe you’ll have a choice of fries or a salad, but if anyone can show me a restaurant menu that says the burger comes with kale, I promise to take my own restaurant menu, roll it up and deep throat it.

“We don’t even have kale, so… spinach maybe?”

He agrees to the spinach, so I take his plate to the cook who gives me some serious side-eye when I tell him the fries aren’t wanted. I return the burger and tell him this Popeye Wannabe Asshole that his spinach will be out in a couple of minutes. Once I serve the spinach, they are officially dead to me. I go to the sidestand to eat the fries that now belong to me and patiently wait for them to eat and get out. My smile is the fakest it has been in a very long time when I present them with the check. I thank them for coming in and make a joke about not being open at 5:00 that isn’t really a joke.

They left me a 20% tip and I got to eat their french fries, so overall, I’m glad that the two fucking assholes showed up at 4:30.

Applebee’s Shows Porn in Restaurant

In what can only described a desperate attempt for additional business, an undisclosed Applebee’s has been caught showing porn on their big screen TV this week. As if selling $1 Bahama Mamas for the month of February isn’t sad enough, now they think it’s okay to show hot, girl-on-girl action in the middle of a family restaurant. It is not clear whose decision this was, but we can be certain it will not go over well with the typical Applebee’s demographic.

Applebee’s, c’mon! The $1 margaritas seemed like you were trying too hard. The $1 Long Island Iced Teas the next month was pretty basic. And then you went with the Blue Moon special for the next month and now we see you grabbing for attention with these $1 Bahama Mamas, but porn? How low are you willing to go to get customers inside your restaurant? What can we look forward to in March, glory holes and sex slings?

Think of the children, Applebee’s. Look at this poor woman who had to endure the humiliation of her children seeing porn for the first time while she was in the same room with them. Francine is very upset that she was forced to have the birds and the bees talk way sooner than she anticipated and she certainly wasn’t planning on having it over a plate of Chicken Wonton Tacos and Mozzarella Sticks while a server named Amanda hovered nearby waiting to turn over her table. It’s just wrong. And Francine, while a stunning beauty with porcelain skin and lips like berries, is very upset.

 

I hope that the person who made this decision to show porn at Applebee’s seriously reconsiders. Applebee’s should be showing family friendly shows on their TV’s, shows like The Assassination of Gianni Versace and RuPaul’s Drag Race. Save the lesbian porn for more suitable places like Outback Steakhouse.

Restaurant Lets Customers Shoot Servers With Water Guns

Waiter Jimmy Callen sprayed with water by unidentified customer.

A restaurant in Freeport, Florida has instituted a new policy that puts servers under the gun, literally, to get lunches out to their customers as quickly as possible and some people are calling the tactics “humiliating.” At Shite Whole Cafe, if a customers doesn’t get their food in ten minutes or less, the server must pay for the meal out of their own pocket and the customer then gets to douse the server with a Water Warriors Colossus 2 Water Blaster as the entire restaurant watches. Owner Barbra Boulder Dash came up with the policy after seeing a nearby restaurant offering a “Fifteen Minutes or It’s Free” promotion and thought she could improve upon it. Says Dash, “Well, I figured if the servers can’t get the food out quick enough, I certainly don’t want to pay for it. That’s just bad business. So I make them pay for it. And then the whole water gun idea was just a fun thing for the customers and the staff loves it too.”

One server who spoke with the assurance of anonymity tells a different story. “Customers order well-done burgers because they know we can’t get them out in ten minutes. I have had to pay for so much food. And every day at work I am drenched. It’s not fair and it’s embarrassing. ”

When asked if the policy is humiliating for her staff, Dash says, “They’re already waiters and waitresses… it’s not like getting a little water on their face is going to make it much worse.”

This reporter went to lunch at Shite Whole Cafe to experience the policy firsthand and saw four different servers pummeled with water within a thirty minute visit. To make matters worse, before the servers are even dried off, the owner reaches into their aprons to retrieve the amount of money needed to pay for the meal that did not make it out in the designated time frame.

One wonders why these servers stay at a job when it so clear that the owner has no respect for them, but 24-year-old waiter Jimmy Callen had had enough and quit this day.

“It’s wrong. Barbra is a horrible boss and the customers treat us like sh*t. I have never worked at a place that makes me feel so horrible about myself and I have worked at Applebee’s AND Buffalo Wild Wings, so that’s saying a lot.”

There is no end in sight for the promotion. Monday through Friday from 11:00 to 4:00, if your food takes longer than ten minutes to get to your table, not only is it free, you get to shoot your server with a Water Warriors Colossus 2 Water Blaster.

“Business is booming,” says Dash. “I love it and customers love it and that’s all that really matters.” As for future promotions, she is considering filling the water guns with pink water for Valentine’s Day and green for St. Patrick’s. She is also mulling over an idea with a dunking booth and silly string.

If you want to tell Barbra Dash how you feel about her promotion, click here.