Don’t Be a Karen

We all know what a “Karen” is an we can all agree they are the absolute worst. They breed like rabbits and if you see one Karen in your section, another is soon to follow. Alert your manager and prepare them for the onslaught of dietary restrictions and complaints about the temperature of hot tea, coffee and the general feeling of the air in the restaurant. Also know they will want discounts and/or things for free because they are Karens and this is what they do.

If you don’t know what a Karen is, then this video is just for you. And thank you to Confessions of a Server for making this ever so important Public Service Announcement.

(My apologies to any Karen out there who isn’t actually a “Karen” and who are being lumped in with the dregs of humanity. Specifically, I’d like to point out my sister-in-law Karen who is most definitely NOT a Karen.)

Fight Breaks Out at Waffle House; Welcome to 2019!

The year 2019 is barely three days old, but it’s already the same ol’ dumpster fire that 2018 was. Well, at least that’s the case for a Waffle House in Louisville, Kentucky. Video has surfaced that shows what happens when a customer gets rude to a Waffle House employee and that employee has a stack of plates in front of her with absolutely no fucks to give. Although technically, this happened in 2018, it’s quite possible it happened after midnight which would make it the new year. Either way, it confirms there’s a fine line between 2018 and 2019 and that line is drawn with syrup and then sprinkled with broken ceramic plates.

A line cook from another Louisville restaurant, Aldwin Baylon Maninang, went to Waffle House on New Year’s Eve and captured it all on video. It is unclear where the tension began, but this being a Waffle House, it could have been anything from “this waffle is too expensive” to “bitch, did you just steal my false teeth?” to “hey, it’s Monday at Waffle House, so let’s trash it.”

Here are my favorite highlights from the video:

:03 when the employees in blue says “I don’t give a fuck” to the customer in the white hoodie.

:07 when the big dude behind her throws something that may or may not be a bottle of mustard or a hamburger bun.

:13 when the customer in the white hoodie throws a plate

:14 when the female customer in white hands the mustard/bun back to the big dude who promptly throws it right back at the customer in the white hoodie.

:18 when the employee in blue throws a plate at white hoodie guy.

:18 when the big dude throws what appears to be a bottle of ketchup at hoodie dude.

:24 when other customers decide this drama is not worth a waffle and start to leave.

:29 when employee in blue says “nobody throws shit at me.”

So many wonderful things are squeezed into these thirty seconds, but the hero in all of this, other than Aldwin for filming this masterpiece, is the guy sitting at the counter in the black cowboy hat. At the :19 second mark, he’s hit with a piece of flying debris and that mother fucker doesn’t even flinch. I love how at the end of the video, he wipes his mouth and is ready to keep on eating. Nothing bothers him.

Carry on, 2019, you’re doing great!

New Year’s Eve at Olive Garden for $400 Per Person?

It’s New Year’s Eve, that night when all the amateurs come out of the woodwork to binge drink cheap California brut and puke in the new year. I was walking through Times Square last week which is something I try to avoid at all costs. That stretch of commercial desperation is more upsetting to me than a ten-top all wanting hot teas and separate checks. As I walked past the Times Square Olive Garden on my way to the lovey N/W train, a sign in their window caught my eye. It was advertising their own special New Year’s Eve celebration for a measly $400 per person. After I picked up my eyeballs off the sidewalk and crammed them back into my head I began to wonder: who the fuck celebrates New Year’s Eve at fucking Olive Garden in New York City? The whole idea of ringing in the new year in Times Square while being crammed into metal pens and being unable to pee for twelve hours straight is already baffling to me, but to take it one step further into hell by doing at Olive Garden makes my mind reel. And for $400? I do not get it.

For that insane amount of money you get a complimentary buffet and a complimentary champagne toast at midnight. First off, if it costs $400 to be there, nothing is complimentary. Also included in the price is an open bar which is barely worth it. Here in New York a decent cocktail costs $16, so to get your $400 worth, you’d need to smash back 25 drinks. You get a total of five hours there, so you’d have to get a new cocktail every twelve minutes. If you made it that far, you might be looking at a severe case of alcohol poisoning, but then again since this is Olive Garden, how strong do we think those drinks really are? Also included is a DJ and dancing and all I can picture is tourists from middle America doing the Dougie and the Running Man to Prince’s “1999.” It makes my skin crawl.

Upon further inspection, I see a disclaimer on the sign:

Seating and view of ball drop not guaranteed.

Wait, what? So some people are going to spend four hundred bucks to stand in an Olive Garden for five hours and watch on their iPhone as Dick Clark Ryan Seacrest does the countdown? Why would anyone travel all the way to New York City to do something they could do at their local Olive Garden or in the privacy of their own home? (I can guaran-fucking-tee you that the only people in that Olive Garden tonight who live in New York City will be the ones who work there.) It just makes no sense to me.

But you know what? Go for it, tourists. If you want to eat some lukewarm lobster shrimp mac and cheese in a Times Square Olive Garden while listening to a DJ blast Carly Rae Jepson and Blake Shelton, do it. Personally, I like my plan for tonight much better. I’ll be bowling with ten friends at 6:00 and then having a potluck in Queens while guzzling Veuve Clicquot. To each his own, I suppose.

To everyone who spends some time on this blog or my Facebook page or one of the many other places I regurgitate tired ass serving memes and self-promotion, thank you. Happy new year to all of you. Be careful tonight and please know how much I appreciate you.

Happy new year, bitches.

This Man Was Stuck in a Restaurant Grease Duct for Two Days

Photo via Alameda County Sheriff’s Office

A man in California is lucky to be alive after spending two days trapped in a grease duct of a Chinese restaurant. He was trying to break into the restaurant by crawling through an exhaust vent and instead got his ass stuck in there covered in grease, dirt and regret. Two days! If it wasn’t for a neighbor who finally heard the desperate cries of the lubricated lug, he probably would have died there and gone down in history as one of the dumbest criminals in all the land. It took firefighters an hour to wedge him out of his lard-covered sarcophagus and the man is likely to be charged with trespassing and vandalism. He is expected to make a full recovery. This, all according to the Alameda County Sheriff’s Office Facebook page.

I had the opportunity to interview the man (no I didn’t) who faced a greasy death and I am honored to share his (totally made up) story:

Bitchy Waiter: So, what the fuck were you thinking?

Greaseball: Dude, I was watching Die Hard a couple of weeks ago, and you know that scene where he climbs through the ceiling ducts after almost falling in the elevator shaft?

BW: No, I’ve never seen that movie.

GB: Oh, it’s awesome. So, I was like, I bet I could do that to get into that Chinese restaurant.

BW: Was your intent to rob the place?

GB: Oh, yeah, totally. And I needed some chopsticks too and I figured they had some.

BW: When did you know you were in trouble?

GB: (laughing) Like almost right away, dude. I was all, “oh fuck this might be the third stupidest thing I’ve ever done.”

BW: Only the third? What are the top two?

GB: Number two was probably that time I tried to ride a sea lion in Malibu. Dude, do not try to ride a sea lion, they don’t like it. And those fuckers have teeth.

BW: And what’s the dumbest thing you ever did?

GB: I ate at Applebee’s once.

BW: So what were you thinking while you were trapped there for two days?

GB: Mostly that I was hungry and how close I was to an unlimited supply of egg rolls.

BW: Did you think you were going to die there?

GB: No, I thought I would eventually lose enough weight to slip through the duct and then just walk out the front door.

BW: You really are a dumb ass, aren’t you?

GB: Well, I told you I ate at Applebee’s once so, yeah.

Someone Did a Study on Restaurant Lemon Wedges (Spoiler Alert: They’re Dirty)

In case you didn’t know it already, the lemons at restaurants are sometimes disgusting little pieces of fruit. And believe me, I know all about disgusting little fruits.

Someone did a study on how dirty the lemon wedges are at several restaurants. I hope they didn’t spend too much time and money on this study, because they could have called me and gotten the same results:

Scientist: So, Bitchy Waiter, would you say the lemon wedges at restaurants are relatively clean?

BW: Fuck, no. Those things are disgusting little pieces of fruit.

And scene.

Five Effective Ways To Keep a Baby From Crying

I often complain about children in restaurants, especially babies who incessantly cry. The only one who should be allowed to cry in a restaurant is me and all the crying shall happen in the walk-in cooler or the restroom. However, I am helpfully offering these tips on how to keep a baby from crying just in case you end up sitting in my section and your baby won’t simmer down. This is a guest post by new mom, Emily Dick. Thanks!  -BW

As a new parent, it can be both exhausting and upsetting if your baby seems to cry a lot. Some parents feel like their baby hates them if they cry all the time, but this is certainly not the case. Babies cry for many reasons, and over time you will learn to read your baby’s cues to figure out just why they are crying. Now, let’s take a look at some simple and effective ways to keep your baby from crying.

  1. Ensure your baby’s basic needs are met

This might seem obvious, but one of the main reasons babies cry is because they are hungry or need a diaper change. If your baby starts to cry, you should first check their diaper is clean and dry, they have been fed and burped, and they don’t need a nap. Overtired babies can be difficult to calm down, and it often takes a while for them to fall asleep. If all their basic needs have been met and they are still crying, it’s time to move on to something else.

  2. Entertain your baby

Often, babies cry because they are simply bored. Try showing them some new toys or sitting them on your lap to play a game such as ‘This Little Piggy’. You can talk to your baby about what you are doing, pointing out different objects around the house. Babies don’t need a lot of expensive toys, and you could try putting together a box of safe household items for them to play with. Try plastic bowls and spoons, wooden spoons, whisks and old cell phones or keys. You could also take your baby out in their stroller and talk about the things you see – perhaps different animals or different types and colors of vehicle. If you feel your baby needs more toys to play with at home, has some great ideas for babies of all ages.  

   3. Ensure your baby is not overstimulated

Babies sometimes cry when they have become overstimulated, and need some time out to relax and unwind. Sometimes, new toys or too many people around can cause overstimulation. In this case, take your baby into a calm, quiet room and perhaps dim the lights a little. Talk to them gently or even sing softly. You can also try swaddling your baby, rocking them gently or even playing white noise such as running the vacuum cleaner or hairdryer.

   4. Take note of your own feelings

If you are getting stressed because your baby won’t stop crying, it’s important to take a step back. Babies pick up on their parent’s emotions, so a stressed parent is much less likely to be able to stop a baby from crying. If someone else can take over, let them do so to allow you to have a break to regain your cool. If there is no one else around, put your baby in a safe place and take a few minutes to breathe and relax. You could try leaving them in their crib for example.

    5. Learn to read your infant’s cues

Crying can sometimes be prevented if you learn how to recognize your baby’s early cues for hunger and tiredness. So, if your baby starts rubbing their eyes, it could be time to put them down for a nap before they start crying uncontrollably. Also be sure to check their diaper frequently, and don’t be late for a feed!

About the Author

Emily Dick is a mom of one, a toddler girl named Daisy. She is the inspiration behind Emily’s new blog, Whooops-a-Daisy. Here, she enjoys writing about a range of topics whether it’s sleeping tips for babies or reviewing the latest toys and gifts for children of all ages.