Waiter Walks Too Loudly, Woman Complains

In my continuing quest to find the most ridiculous complaints from restaurant customers, I have come across a real doozy of a grouse proving that some people seem to go out of their way to be miserable hairs in their own assholes. A woman had dinner out and quite enjoyed her experience. The food was good, the waitress was charming, the views were excellent and “the soft music was at a very suitable volume to allow diners to enjoy conversation.” This is all well and good, but there was one thing wrong with the evening that bothered her enough to ask her great-great-grandson to show her how to create a Word document so she could type up a letter and mail it to the manager of the restaurant. (Side note:  she waa shocked to learn that a stamp now costs $0.47. “Back in my day, if you wanted to post a letter, you just had to tape a penny to the envelope and hand it to the man on the Pony Express.”)

Reads the letter:

Our enjoyment of the evening was somewhat spoiled because the waiter- or the restaurant manager- who was also serving was wearing shoes which made a very disturbing and loud noise as he walked around on the wooden floor. This noise was particularly disturbing for me as I had been given the seat right by the door and so I was affected every time he came into or left the restaurant.

I wonder if you might think of asking your waiter to wear soft soled shoes in view of the wooden carpetless floor so that the atmosphere is not spoiled by the noise of his footsteps. There was no problem with the waitress who was wearing shoes with soft soles.

Call me a big bitch (everyone who is reading this: “But you are a bitch, you are a big bitch.“), but this complaint seems pretty fucking petty. Was the waiter wearing some wooden clogs that he got when he was on vacation in Holland and the noise of the wood on wood was so distracting that it canceled out the view, the food and the charming waitress? Did it really “spoil” your meal? If you’re going to make ridiculous requests, why not really go for it:

Please have the floor carpeted. If that is not possible, might I suggest that the waiter wear some bunny slippers? Surely this is something the restaurant would be happy to pay for. Or perhaps you could supply each and every customer with noise canceling earphones. Wait, that won’t work because I wouldn’t be able to hear the soft music anymore, so nevermind to that. But maybe all of your waitstaff could ride around on hover boards which would completely do away with taking steps at all. Yes, I think that’s the best idea. If not hover boards, then maybe you could install a zip line so that whenever I needed some more hot water for the tea bag I had in my purse, a waiter could fly in overhead and take care of it for me. Wait, strike that. Zip lines might obstruct the excellent view. Okay, if he absolutely must wear those deafening, eardrum-splitting clodhoppers can you at least ask him to put bubble wrap on the bottom. Please know that if he does put bubble wrap on his shoes and I hear so much as one popping sound, I will write you another letter to complain about the loud popping sounds that spoiled my night. Maybe the best thing would be for me to either turn down my hearing aid, not come back or simply to accept that if I am eating out in public I might hear something that my ears don’t like, but I really would rather you ask you, the manager, to accommodate my every need because I am the most important thing in the world and nothing else matters except for my husband, who is completely deaf. But believe me, if he still had his hearing, she would be complaining too.

While I applaud this woman’s polite letter and most excellent Word document abilities, it does seem like a rather silly thing to complain about. It’s a person walking and his shoes are touching the floor- fucking deal with it, lady.

Busy Waitress Now Has Stubs For Feet

breaking-newsA 24-year-old waitress from Bethesda, Maryland is facing a long road ahead after losing both her feet while working a lunch shift at Non Pied Cafe, a popular French bistro in the Ashburton neighborhood. Alice Honeycutt has worked at the restaurant for just under a year and up until last week had the full use of both of her feet. That all changed when a 12-top showed up in her section. The large party of ten women and two men were celebrating the promotion of a co-worker who would soon be leaving the department they worked in together at a local bank. Says Honeycutt, “They were just so needy. Every time I would get to their table, someone would ask for something else. I would go get it and as soon as I’d get back, someone else would need something.”

The main culprit, 49-year-old office manager Samantha Needlelot, was reported to have asked for five refills of iced tea, extra napkins a total of two times, an additional soup spoon, a new knife that was free of water spots, another menu citing stickiness on the first one and she also had several questions for the kitchen regarding ingredients. Honeycutt fulfilled all of these needs and also handled the other eleven guests who also asked for items as varied as extra mayo, additional bread, waters for everyone, eight hot teas, two cappuccinos, four mugs of hot water to clean the silverware and a small bowl of warm water for a woman to rinse her finger of honey.

“I don’t think I have ever walked back and forth to one table so many times,” says the footless server. After about an hour of repeatedly being run ragged, she soon noticed that her feet were beginning to wear away. “It was like my feet were pencil erasers that were just being rubbed down to nothing. My shoes eventually fell off and the next thing I knew, I just had two stumps.”

Patrick Lorsen, manager of Non Pied Cafe, did all he could to help his ailing employee, but even he could not save her feet. “That table was really awful. Ms. Needlelot was the worst, but they were all pretty bad. They each wanted their food to go, but they asked for containers one at a time. I mean, who does that?”

To make matters worse, the party required separate checks meaning twelve different trips to the computer. Thankfully, gratuity was added, but the $73.65 won’t go very far for Honeycutt. “I’m not sure what I’m going to do for work now. I don’t have feet anymore, so I guess I’ll have to get an office job. In the meantime, I’m pretty broke.”

To make ends meet, she has already sold all of her shoes on Ebay. She hopes the money she makes from those sales will tide her over until she get her resume updated and finds another job. However, she still maintains a positive attitude.

“Yes, I’m bummed that Table 15 ran me so hard that I no longer have feet, but I hope they left the restaurant happy. I just want them to know that I did everything I could to give them the best service. I do miss my feet though. I had such cute toes.”

A Go Fund Me account has been set up for Honeycutt in the hopes she can have reconstructive surgery for her feet. Click here for more information.

This Is Me Admitting I Screwed Up

57851886Alright, when I make a mistake, I take ownership of it. It can be awkward and embarrassing, but it’s really the best way to handle a situation. One time I was at work and totally forgot to ring in an order for a table. It was just one of those things where you are walking to the computer to put the order in when another table asks for something so you go to grab the spoon for their soup and then you see that there are no soup spoons so you have to go to the kitchen to find one and the next thing you know, ten minutes have passed by and  you haven’t rang in the well-done hamburger yet. It happens. Rather than making up an excuse, the best way is to be honest with your customer and tell them the truth.

“I’m so sorry, but your food is taking longer than it should because I forgot to ring it in. Let me get you some more iced tea and I promise to get it out as soon as it’s done. I just didn’t want you to think that it always takes this long for food. I screwed up and I’m sorry.”

Done. Then the customer knows why it’s taking a while and they won’t assume it will be like that every time they eat at your restaurant. Nine times out of ten, they will appreciate the honesty. One time out of ten, they won’t, but you will know you did the right thing.

Anyway, I made a mistake. Yesterday, someone sent me a link to a comment that they saw on another blog post. It was a derogatory comment about waitresses and what was so shocking about it was that it allegedly came from a company that services the restaurant industry. Surprised to see the comment, I took a screenshot of it and posted it on their Facebook page asking if this is how they really felt. That was my attempt to verify if it was a real or fake comment.

Well, when I posted that photo onto their Facebook page, that post showed up in the news feed of all the people who follow me. I should have known that would happen, but it honestly did not occur to me. Before I heard back from the company, lots of people took it upon themselves to go to their Facebook page and bash them with 1-star reviews. I did not expect that to happen and maybe I was foolish to not have enough foresight. Honestly, I did not expect it.

Consequently, they got over 100 bad reviews for no reason. I spoke with the guys at Bar Products and they have successfully gotten the original comment removed from the blog. We have confirmed it was a spam account and the comment did not represent how they feel about severs. If you are one of the people who left them a bad review, I hope you will consider deleting it or changing it. I suppose you could go leave them a 5-star review to combat the bogus 1-star reviews. “But I’ve never even used their product, how I can rate them?” you may ask. Good question. However, maybe it’s okay to fight fire with fire and if we are trying undo bogus bad reviews, where is the harm in submitting bogus 5-star ones?

I feel bad about this and want everyone to know that Bar Products did nothing wrong. It was my fault. I was careless and I hope they will forgive. I also hope you guys will allow me the chance to make this wrong right.

Here is their Facebook page if you want to show them some love.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to attempt to pull the foot out of my mouth.

I Just Found the Biggest A**hole on the Internet

15350505_1137233399729783_4754573525381144402_nAfter about 525,600 people sent me this photo, I figured I needed to address it. Some asshole came up with a really fun game for him and his wife to play when they go out to eat dinner and I think it’s all kinds of lame:

So I took the wife out to dinner last night, and we have always talked about doing this. You put 5 singles out on the table at the beginning of dinner for the waiter/waitress to see. (Don’t say anything to them) if they mess up, you take a dollar away, and so on. At the end of dinner, however much is left, is their tip. I shit you not, you will receive the best service of your life. The waitress Kept looking at it as if she was confused. But she played her cards right, did a great job and received the whole 5 bucks. I did take away a dollar tho bec she forgot the bread, but she bounced back and gave us extra. Haha all in all a great evening with my love and a good dinner experiment we both wanted to play out. Try it, you will be surprised!

There is so much wrong with this, I need to take it line by line:

“So I took the wife out to dinner last night, and we have always talked about doing this.” When most people talk about the things they have always wanted to do, they are thinking exotic trips to foreign lands, buying a second home or going skydiving. Not this couple, though. They dream of toying with the financial well-being of waitress who is just hoping she will get a fucking 20% tip from her asshole customer.

“You put 5 singles out on the table at the beginning of dinner for the waiter/waitress to see. (Don’t say anything to them).” If I had a customer do that, I wouldn’t think twice about them not saying anything to me about why there was money on the table. And what if we don’t see it? Are you going to wave those five bills in our face and then place them back on the table just to make sure I’m paying attention to them? You’re an ass.

“if they mess up, you take a dollar away, and so on. At the end of dinner, however much is left, is their tip.” So that means you get to sit through your whole dinner with a clipboard and a calculator in order to keep tabs on every move your server makes? Yeah, that sounds like a really great dinner for your wife. And does every mistake merit one dollar? If I spill a soda I  lose a dollar but if I spill one drop of water do I still lose a whole dollar? Because if that’s the case, I’d wanna know up front so I can make the most out of my mistakes. I mean, if I’m going to lose a dollar, I want to make sure it’s worth it.

“I shit you not, you will receive the best service of your life.” First off, I hate people who say “I shit you not.” Second off, no server is going to intentionally give you the best service of your life just because you happen to leave five crisp George Washington’s on the table. Chances are, the service is going to be the same as it was had you kept those bills in your wallet because servers are not trained fucking monkeys who try extra hard when we see someone dangle a goddamn peanut in front of our face.

“The waitress Kept looking at it as if she was confused. But she played her cards right, did a great job and received the whole 5 bucks.” I seriously doubt the waitress was confused. Honestly, she probably never even noticed that you were playing a little game. And the only way she would have been excited to receive the “whole 5 bucks” is if your bill was $15. It’s not like five bucks is a huge tip, cheap ass.

“I did take away a dollar tho bec she forgot the bread, but she bounced back and gave us extra.” My guess is that she didn’t bring the bread because she noticed there was a dollar missing from your enormous pile of cash. It’s more likely that it slipped her mind for a minute and then when she was at another table she thought, “Oh, fuck, I never got the bread for that asshole at Table 16, I better go do that.”

“Haha all in all a great evening with my love and a good dinner experiment we both wanted to play out. Try it, you will be surprised!” Yeah, it sounds like it was a great damn time. I just want to stress that your bill better have been for $25 or less because if it was for any more than that, your tip was pretty disappointing, which might be the same thing your “love” said about you after the first time you had sex. But she tried it and she was surprised!

Bottom line: Don’t be an asshole and use your whole time at a restaurant actively looking for ways to tip your server less. That’s not why you go out to dinner. We want you to have a nice time and we will give you the best service we know how to give. In return, we expect our customers to treat us with respect and not look at us like we are dogs waiting for a treat. Anyone who tries this little experiment sucks at life.

And I encourage you all to click here to buy my book that is full of even more bitching and bad words.

This Is Not Where Dirty Diapers Go, Cristina

15240046_1040748469369432_171110931_nOnce upon a time, a woman named Cristina went drinking and brunching at a restaurant called Block Table and Tap in El Paso, Texas. Cristina had always loved this place and she was very excited to go again even though she had not been there since she had a baby. After all, who doesn’t enjoy taking their baby to a place known for their hand-crafted cocktails and craft beers on tap? Not long after she had settled in for some drinking, her baby took a big nasty dump as babies are wont to do. Well, this is when Cristina realized that Block Table and Tap does not having changing tables in their restrooms. Undeterred, she attempted to change the poopy diaper in the restaurant. This is when an employee politely told her that such actions were not permitted. After all, think of the other people there who are enjoying a hand-crafted cocktail or a craft beer and do not want the odor of baby poop wafting into their nostrils and essentially ruining a very nice brunch. Unhappy, Cristina had to figure out something else to do.

While I agree that it would very convenient for every restaurant to have a changing table in the restroom, it is not required by law. Perhaps some restaurants do not have the space for a changing table or maybe they just don’t want one because that would give the impression that babies are welcome in that establishment. We can never know for certain why someplace chooses to not have one. All we can know for sure is that they don’t.

Cristina wanted to make sure that the restaurant knew how unhappy she was with the situation, so she wracked her brain trying to come up with an appropriate response. Of course leaving a bad review on Facebook was the obvious choice and something she did immediately, probably before even taking her baby out of the feces rag wrapped around its waist.

“But what else can I do?” wondered Cristina. “How can I really prove my point?”

Suddenly, a light bulb went off above her head. Well it wasn’t really a light bulb. It was one of those Glade air fresheners that have a night light on it that she bought at the Dollar Tree over on Stanton Street right across the street from JC Penny.

She knew what she was going to do. After she changed her baby in the car, she took that dirty diaper and dropped it into the parking lot for someone else to find.15218198_1040748502702762_110124477_n15231632_1040748529369426_2008660472_o

“That’ll teach ‘em,” she said out loud. “I’ll show them who is master of the dirty diapers!!” A man walking into the restaurant heard her talking to herself and completely ignored her assuming she was just another crazy lady wandering the streets of El Paso.

As Cristina drove away, leaving a disgusting diaper full of crap to roast in the mid-day El Paso sun, she felt proud of herself. She knew that she had done the right thing and that her actions would surely convince the restaurant owners to install a changing table in the restroom. Her baby looked at his mother and shook his head with disgust. Even he knew that leaving a diaper in the parking lot does nothing except prove what a nasty disgusting person you are. He was ashamed of his mother and looked forward to his next bowel movement. He hoped it would be the nastiest one he had ever produced so that maybe, just maybe, his mother would realize that the only person who should have to deal with his shit is her and not some restaurant worker who gets paid minimum wage.

But good job, Cristina. Good job.

Gluten-Free Customer Shocks Waitress

gluten-freeIn a shocking turn of events, a woman in Warsaw, Indiana recently went out to dinner and actually looked at the menu and decided what she was and wasn’t able to eat due to her gluten intolerance. Shirley Kay Farine, 68, is unable to eat anything with gluten because of a sensitivity. After educating herself about what foods would be most likely to upset her delicate system, she simply looked at the menu at Flynn’s Inn and determined that she could order the roasted chicken as long as any sauce was left off the plate. The chicken came with green beans and mashed potatoes.

Ms. Farine’s waitress, 42-year-old Beth Meyerson, was shocked. “I just could not believe it,” she said. “Most of the time when someone can’t have gluten, they don’t even bother looking at the menu. They just tell me they’re gluten-free and then expect me to list everything they can eat, like it’s my problem. I was really surprised that she was able to do that. I wish more customers were like her.”

When pressed as to why she didn’t just ask the server to accommodate her needs, Ms. Farine stated that her diet was her own responsibility. “Of course I know that I can’t eat pasta or sandwiches, that’s obvious, so I looked at the menu online before I got there and deduced what was right for me. I did confirm with my waitress that my choices were gluten-free. It’s really not that hard to figure out. Only a self-serving asshole would expect their server to do it for them. I just know what I can have and then I only need to ask a couple of simple questions.”

Albert Flynn, the owner of the establishment, was equally impressed with her ability and released a statement about the event:

We at Flynn’s Inn would like to thank Ms. Farine for doing the due diligence that is required when one has an allergy. Too many people do not care enough about their own health to do what she did. We appreciate her foresight and hope that more customers will take her example. We are always happy to adjust a menu item for someone’s allergy, but it is nice to know that she pretty much figured it out on her own by reading the menu. In her honor, we have renamed our chicken dish and it is now called Shirley Kay’s Okay Chicken.

Meyerson was also grateful for the 20% tip she received. “It really was just an amazing day. I mean, a gluten-free customer who wasn’t annoying as fuck? That hardly ever happens!”

Ms. Farine wants other gluten-free customers to figure that shit out. “It’s alright to ask a question or two, but in the end, it’s your own damn responsibility. Don’t be a pain in the ass.”

You can read the original story by clicking here.