Waitress Attacked By Ranch Dressing- Caught on Tape

A restaurant worker saw her worst fear come true this week when she dropped about a million gallons of Ranch dressing and ended up wearing it. Of course the video has gone viral because who doesn’t want to see someone covered in Ranch dressing while their friends and coworkers laugh their asses off?

Seriously, that Ranch dressing came at her with a vengeance as if that creamy deliciousness had a score to settle. It was like an atom bomb of mayonnaise went off and this waitress was ground zero. She’s gonna smell like a Cobb salad for a week. Someone should throw some baby carrots and celery sticks at her and call her an appetizer.

Please watch the video again and again and be grateful that it wasn’t you.

One Time, When I Worked at Bennigan’s…

I love my Mammaw Lillian. I don’t necessarily love being 22-years old and living with her in a suburb of Houston, but this is the path I am on. In an effort to save money so I can move to New York City, I’m living in my grandfather’s former bedroom and blasting Madonna and Broadway musicals in an effort to pretend I’m in my own studio apartment. Soon, I will start my new job. After a few years of working in restaurants as either a busser, food runner or four unfortunate weeks as a dishwasher in high school, I am now taking the extraordinary step of wearing an apron for a living with my first ever serving job at a chain restaurant across the street from the mall. Bennigan’s has some serious expectations when it comes to menu preparedness and I must take three tests before I am allowed on the floor. Every night for two weeks, I sit on Mammaw’s couch and she quizzes me with a set of flash cards that have every single ingredient for every single dish on their extensive menu. By the time I take the test, she knows it better than I do.

“Mammaw,” I yell as I run into the house after acing it. “I passed! I got 95%!”

“Oh, baby, I knew you could do it. I’m so proud of you!”

She pats both of my cheeks with her hands, slightly harder than is comfortable and gives me a hug as if I had just passed the bar exam.

“You can do anything you set your mind to,” she tells me. “Want me to make a chocolate pie to celebrate?”

She doesn’t wait for me to respond because the answer to that question is always yes. She heads to the kitchen and gets out her rolling pin and creates the most amazing dessert without looking at a recipe. It’s about a thousand times better than the brownie bottom pie from work that I know all the ingredients to.

At the restaurant, we are encouraged to have “flair” so that we can express our individuality. Flair can be anything from a bandanna to a button to a pair of suspenders, but one night, when I see Mammaw sitting at her sewing machine, I have an idea.

“Can you help me make an apron for work?” I ask her.

“Of course. I have big ol’ bag of fabric in that closet right there. You wanna get it down for me?”

Inside the bag are dozens and dozens of scraps that maybe someday will be part of a quilt. I find a piece that speaks to me and we spread it out on the dining room table. It’s floral with hints of pink and purple which would be awful as part of a quilt, but will be perfect as an apron that will set me apart from all the other servers at work.

“Now, go get me your apron so we can use it as a pattern. This’ll be easy.”

Watching her with my apron and then cutting the floral fabric, I flash back to when I used to stay with Mammaw as a kid for a couple of weeks at a time in the summer. That’s when she first taught me how to sew. On one visit in about 1978, we made Raggedy Ann and Andy dolls together. Andy was never quite finished and he spent the rest of his doll life only semi-clothed. He now lives in a box in my parent’s attic, still half naked and his face not fully embroidered, but we worked on our dolls for a good two weeks.

“Honey, can you thread this needle for me?” she’d ask. “I can’t see it.”

My eleven-year old eyes and nimble fingers deftly threaded the needle and I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t able to do it herself. Mom and Dad would come to drive me back to Victoria at the end of my visits. I always hated saying goodbye. I’d sit in the backseat and cry because I was so scared it would be the last time I would see her. She was my world when I was a kid and now over twenty years later, I’m here again sitting at her sewing machine. The two of us examine the apron and within twenty minutes, I have the best possible piece of flair for my new job.

“Everyone is going to be so jealous of my apron,” I tell her as I tie it around my waist, so happy to finally be a waiter.

A few days later, I’m at work when Mammaw and her church friend Irene show up for lunch and sit in my section.

“You see that apron?” Mammaw says to Irene. “He made it all by himself.”

“Well, we made it together,” I add. “And a couple of other people want one too, so I told them I’d make them one.”

“Oh, it sounds like you can start your own business. I’m so proud of you.”

Mammaw is always proud of me. The two of them look over the menu, but I notice that Mammaw’s look is purely cursory, seeing that she knows it just as well as I do.

“I think I want the Oriental Chicken Salad,” says Irene.

“That does sound good,” Mammaw tells her, “but I don’t think I’d like the crunchy fried onions.”

“Oh, are there crunchy fried onions on it?” Irene asks me.

“There are,” Mammaw answers for me. “And mixed greens, red cabbage, scallions, mandarin oranges, tomatoes, fried chicken and a peanut dressing.”

Irene looks at me for confirmation and I nod my head. Mammaw Lillian knows her shit. They eventually decide on the Oriental Chicken Salad for Irene while Mammaw orders the Monte Christo, which we both always thought sounded so delicious when we studied the menu together. The tip they leave me is by far the best one of the day. It’s almost as much as I made on my first day on the floor when I walked with sixteen dollars.

When I get home, I go through the bag of fabric to decide what to use for my first custom apron orders. “No two will be alike,” I had told my coworkers. Deciding against any of the floral pattern that my own apron is made from, I come across a small snippet of red and white gingham that I hadn’t seen since 1978 when Raggedy Ann and Andy were at the sewing machine. I decide that every apron I make will have at least one piece of this fabric, an homage to Mammaw and her sewing skills and also that she is the one who drilled this restaurant’s menu into my brain. Periodically, she checks on my work, approving each cut and stitch and by the end of the night I have two aprons that will soon be considered the most awesome of flair.

The next morning, Pamela and Tim are thrilled with my work. They each pay me five dollars and for the rest of the day, whenever I look at their aprons and catch a glimpse of that red and white gingham, my heart swells with love for Mammaw.

Living with her is only temporary and there are times I can’t wait to be out from under the watchful eye of my grandmother, but I hope the six months I plan to spend with her will permanently imprint all of my memories about her. I never want to forget her laugh or how she talks on the telephone or how she always balances her checkbook with a calculator and then does it again manually just to make sure the calculator was right. As an adult, I know I’ll never have it as good as I do with her, living with someone who truly enjoys caring for me. When I get my own apartment, there won’t be anyone there to make a chocolate pie or to lovingly pat my cheeks to the point of slight discomfort. And when I get another restaurant job, there will not be anyone as good as Mammaw Lillian is when it comes to using flashcards to memorize a new menu.

This story is part of what I hope will become my second book.

Restaurant Owner Takes Entire Staff to Disney World

This blog is rife with examples of poor restaurant managers, horrible bosses and customers so awful that I wouldn’t waste my piss on them even if they were on fire and begging for me to put them out. However, once in a great while, we are gifted with a story (WRAL TV) of a restaurant owner who reminds us that there is plenty of good in the world of food service.

Gypsy Gilliam, owner of State Farmer’s Market Restaurant in Raleigh, North Carolina, wanted to show her appreciation to her staff and rather than bringing in a box of day old donuts from the Piggly Wiggly, she decided to close down her restaurant for a few days and take her entire staff to Disney World, along with their families.

(Cue me emailing my resume for a job at State Farmer’s Market Restaurant)

The staff was understandably shocked and grateful.

“I have a 5-year old son,” said employee Jessica Burr. “I don’t know what the future holds, but I know this is something I wouldn’t able to do for him. I am forever grateful to Gypsy, and I don’t have any idea how to pay her back.”

Gypsy knows what’s important when you’re running a business: the employees. Each and every one of these people who work for her know how valuable they are to their boss. It’s real and genuine and that’s how you earn respect from your employees. I’m not saying that every boss should take their crew to Disney World, but they should let them know how important they are to the business. When your employees are happy, the customers are happy. It’s been proven time and time again.

Gypsy said there would be no restaurant without her staff and she was “blessed to be able to give them a little magic in their lives.

Thank you to Gypsy Gilliam for brightening the world this week with your wonderful story. And congratulations to the staff of State Farmer’s Market Restaurant who have discovered they work for an amazing boss. But I have feeling they already knew that even before they went to Disney World.

Free Shrimp at Red Lobster is Happening

Red Lobster is celebrating its 50th anniversary this year and CEO Kim Lopdrup has announced huge plans for this last weekend of February: FREE SHRIMP! From February 29-31 each of the seafood restaurants will offer their customers unlimited free shrimp with no additional purchases.

Says Lopdrup, “Just pile the kids and neighbors into the SUV and come on down to your local Red Lobster! Fill up on Garlic Shrimp, Wood-Grilled Shrimp, Coconut Shrimp, Alfredo Shrimp, Turkey Tetrazzini Shrimp, Green Tea Shrimp, Shrimp Meatloaf and follow it with a Chocolate Shrimp Brownie Surprise. It’s all free because we appreciate you, our customers!”

The three-day shrimp extravaganza is unprecedented for the Golden Gate Capitol chain, but Lopdrup feels it’s the right thing to do. “We just want to give away free shrimp, but if someone wants free lobster, well, why not? Just ask.”

Understandably, customers are very excited about the promotion. Hoyle Greene, a 45-year old father of six from Cloverdale, Indiana plans to take advantage of the promotion even though the nearest Red Lobster for him is in Bloomington, Indiana and almost thirty miles away. “I’ll drive there for dinner every day. Sure, it might cost me some extra gas, but if I can feed my family of eight for free it’s totally worth it. I’ll just order us all waters and maybe get an order of Cheddar Bay biscuits for us to split. I figure the bill might be five bucks. And with the tip, six!”

Many servers who work for the chain are not looking forward to the weekend. Mickey Magnia, a 23-year old server at the Victoria, Texas location is actually dreading the promotion. “Ugh, all these cheap people coming out of the woodwork just to get their free food. And the people who come here are cheap already. I might call in sick all weekend since I know I won’t make any money. It’s gonna be a mad house.”

Still Lopdrup is excited about the event. “We just think it’s a great way to show our customers that we care. If it goes well, we might try it again in a few months but maybe give away liquor instead. We’ll see!”

If you want to know more about where you can take advantage of free shrimp at Red Lobster over the next three days, CLICK HERE.

Susan Had a Bad Time at Applebee’s on Her Birthday

Everyone wants their birthday to be as special as it possibly can. After all, not everyone in the world is lucky enough to have a birthday, right? There are only a select few people in the world who know what day they were birthed and those are the fortunate ones who get to celebrate their birthday.

Susan is one of those rare people who has a birthday and in an effort to acknowledge such a special occurrence, she went to Applebee’s on the anniversary of leaving the safety of her mother’s womb. Susan had visions of Neighborhood Nachos with Beef dancing in her head and celebratory servers belting out happy birthday wishes while bestowing upon her endless Blue Ribbon Brownies and Butter Pecan Blondies. Sadly, that’s not what happened.

Its was bad service that she had. And she is not going there anymore.

Applebee’s definitely dropped the birthday ball on this one and because of that, they have lost a valued customer forever. While we do not know for certain what exactly happened to Linda at Applebee’s that she deemed “bad service,” seeing that it was Applebee’s it could have been a myriad of things. From the hostess making Susan wait five minutes until the booth she wanted was cleaned to the server not smiling enough while bring the fifth Diet Coke to the food runner placing an order of Bourbon Street Chicken and Shrimp at the table and forgetting to tell Susan the skillet was hot, it could have literally been anything.

The sad thing is that all of this went down on the most special day of the whole entire year: Susan’s birthday.

On behalf of Applebee’s, even though I have absolutely no affiliation with the company whatsoever, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to Susan for letting her down on her birthday. Since she has already complained on Facebook about her experience, I am sure that an Applebee’s gift card has been hastily sent to her in effort to lure her back to the restaurant. Susan, if you decide to stick to your guns and never go there again. I would like to offer an invitation for you to spend your next birthday at my restaurant in Queens, New York. All I ask is that you give me two to three months notice so that I have time to hire the marching band and have the new red carpet installed in the dining room. I will also need you to submit your shoe size as soon as possible so I may order your custom made glass slippers so you can feel like the true princess you are. In addition to that, I want to make sure the entire restaurant is staffed adequately so we can have at least seven servers on hand to roll your birthday cake out to you.  Also, are you allergic to monkeys, giraffes or elephants? If so, let me know as soon as possible so I can begin my search for hypoallergenic circus animals. Finally, I will need to know how old you are in order to have the correct number of candles and corresponding airplanes that will write out your name in the sky. As soon as you know if/when you will be at my restaurant for your birthday, Susan, please reach out to me by clicking here. I will give you the best service imaginable and make your birthday one you will never forget.

Happy birthday, Susan!


Found: the Most Offensive Business Cards Ever

I do not know who created this business card, but I want them to immediately go fuck themselves with a pair of stainless steel tongs that have been sitting in the bread warmer for too long. Sure, maybe it’s only a joke, but there are plenty of people who will buy these cards and then go out of their way to use them.

“Hey, the waitress forgot to bring the fifth lemon for my water. This is the day I can use one of those business cards!” or “I asked for my burger extra-extra well done, but the waiter brought it all burned. Good thing I have these fancy business cards to use!”

No, that’s fucked up. What kind of person goes out of their way to order pre-printed business cards in order to present them to a server when the service falls below expectations? An asshole, that’s who.

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I propose that we print our own business cards to give out to customers who treat us poorly and turn the tables on these bitches. Want some? Click here to order!

asshole business cards