Since this blog is basically the same ten topics written in different ways over and over again, let’s again discuss the annoying trend of people leaving little notes to their servers explaining why they cannot leave a tip. First off, we don’t want your stupid fucking notes. I don’t care how good your penmanship is and I don’t care what you are writing, unless the note is on a personal check made out to me, don’t waste your time.
The photo we have here today was sent to me by a waitress who had the misfortune of serving someone who was on a budget. When it came time to pay the check, Ms. Penny Pincher pulled out just enough dollars from her ham wallet to cover the bill, but when it came time to leave a tip, that’s where the budget ran dry. Despite the excellent service, this customer thinks that a sweet little note will take the place of cash money. We care not that the note was crafted upon the finest paper in all the land that was pressed from organic cottonwood trees that only bloom once every ten years. It does not matter to us that the ink from the pen came from India and was made by a 99-year old, blind ink curator who sells his wares in front of his hut made of clay. We are not impressed if you took a calligraphy class and your note looks as fancy as an invitation to a royal fucking wedding. We want money for tips.
Another thing we do not want is excuses. If you’re on a budget, then maybe you should not be eating at a restaurant because when you go out to eat, you need to factor in the tip as part of the cost, especially if the service is excellent. Don’t throw us any bullshit excuses about having rent due, because newsflash: so does the server! Don’t tell us that you’re pregnant and that need to save your money and don’t tell us that you ran out of cash. Just pony up a tip and let us turn the table over so we can continue on with our job of serving.
Finally, if you are going to leave a note that says you can’t afford to tip, you probably will want to leave off the part about how you will be back. The server does not want you to come back. In fact, if you do come back and the server sees you, that server will tell whoever ends up waiting on you to not waste their time. You will get the bare bones of service and nothing else. You see, when a server knows they aren’t going to get a tip, you are going to receive $2.13 and hour worth of service and, like the hourly wage, it ain’t much: your glass will be filled, your order will be taken, your food will be dropped and then you will get your check. Boom. That is what you get for no tip. Also, when you leave a big “thank you” at the bottom of the no-tip note, it comes across as insincere.
If you know that you are not going to leave a tip when you come into a restaurant, why don’t you just let the server know that when you sit down? Oh, I know why: because you’re a cheap ass coward. You know that telling the server beforehand is going to affect your service which means that you know you should be leaving a tip.
Bottom line: if you can’t afford to leave a tip when the service is good, you can’t afford to be eating out in a restaurant. Keep your notes to yourself and cough up a tip, asshole.