This Might Be the Worst Customer Ever

Screen Shot 2015-11-17 at 11.47.26 AMA woman named Blaise posted on Facebook how terribly upsetting it is for her when a server uses the colloquialism “you guys” when referring to her since, you know, she is not a guy. That’s right, everyone, Blaise has a vagina and it is an angry one. She wants servers to call her “ma’am,” which I would be more than happy to do if she was sitting in my section because I always get a kick out of calling a woman “ma’am” when I know she is younger than me. It’s basically a chance for me to call her an old lady right to her face.

Maybe Blaise has a point that some servers are a bit too relaxed and informal, but no server who uses that phrase is trying to insult anyone. Blaise clearly has a stick lodged up her ass because rather than just ask the server to not assume she has a penis, she corrects those waiters. And “not gently either,” she claims. She is probably as rough on those waiters as she is on her maxi-pad. She wants to make sure that servers know they are not her buddy nor her equal and servers need to be put in their place. Put in their place? Where exactly is their place? Stationed in the back corner of the restaurant with their head bowed down waiting until you call upon them? Maybe their “place” is on their hands and knees groveling for your pennies. Or maybe you think their place is in the restroom so they can wipe your ass for you when you’re finished expelling your lunch from Taco Bell.

Blaise, grow up. No server wants to intentionally piss off their table because all that will do is affect the tip and why would they do that? If a server walks by your table and says, “can I get anything else for you guys right now?” all he wants to know is if you need more butter, Ranch dressing or Diet Coke. (He’s just being nice by asking because we all know you do. You do want more butter, Ranch dressing and Diet Coke.)

The relationship between a server and a customer should be one of mutual respect. We are all equals in this world and just because you cobbled together enough money for an all-you-can-eat shrimp special at the Red Lobster does not entitle you to look down on a person who is doing a service for you. You freely admit that your attitude makes you sounds snooty, but I beg to differ. It makes you sound like a miserable person that no server would ever want to serve. You are the kind of person that makes so many people in the service industry question whether or not they even like people anymore. If you are as rude to servers as you imply that you are, the bad service you may receive is probably result of your very own attitude. Remember the golden rule? Treat others as you would want to be treated. If you want your servers to treat you with respect, maybe you should treat them that way too.

I Met a Famous Person (I Think I Scared Her)

DAMES_images3v2-747x1000You all know that I love musical theater, yes? Other than 20% tips and shift drinks, it is my favorite thing in the whole entire world. This week, I went to see the Broadway show Dames at Sea and I pretty much loved it. It’s a silly, campy piece of theater that kept a smile on my face the entire time. The whole cast tap dances like they’re in the middle of a brunch rush on Mother’s Day with an unlimited mimosa bar. (In other words, they move like ninjas!) Each cast member gets a chance to shine whether it be a musical number or a tap routine and they are all incredibly talented. One of the stars of the show is a woman named Lesli Margherita and I am pleased to say that I followed through on my promise and actually got to meet her after the show.

Okay, maybe she wasn’t that into me and maybe I freaked her out a little bit and maybe I have a restraining order against me now, but the point is she talked to me and I have video evidence.



Yes, I offered her a shift at my restaurant and she is thinking about taking it. In the video, it appears that she is not that into the idea, but I can see in her eyes that she 100% considering working with me on Sunday mornings. Of course, that look in her eyes could be seen as fear and loathing, but I choose to recognize it as hope.

Anyhoo, the show is really a lot of fun and, even though it’s not restaurant related, I think anyone who reads this blog could appreciate it. If I can get the restraining order lifted, I will totally go see it again. In the meantime, I will ask you guys to go on my behalf.

Here is the website if you want to know more about the show: Dames at Sea

Here is Lesli “My New Best Friend” Margherita’s Twitter page if you want to follow her. Tell her I said hello.

Image via Dames at Sea

Arrested For Pancake Rage, But I Have the Real Story

natashawestNo one ever said it was easy being a server at Denny’s, but if you needed any proof of that, here it is. A Chicago woman named Natasha West was arrested and charged with assault and damage to property after losing it when her waitress told her that the all-you-can-eat pancake deal was $4.00 per person and not for the whole table. That’s right, Natasha went into Denny’s and thought her whole table could fill their eating holes with pancakes for a mere $4.00. When the waitress told her otherwise, Natasha lost it and began cursing and throwing punches. She kicked a door and then left without paying for her food and was arrested down the street. Luckily for the server, Natasha’s swing was off because of the carb overload and none of the punches made contact.

I reached out to Natasha to see if I could interview her (no, I didn’t) and she responded immediately (no, she didn’t). I asked her to write a response (no, I didn’t) and she was more than happy to do so (no, she wasn’t). Please enjoy Natasha’s side of the story:

Hello, everyone. My name is Natasha West and although the article states I am from Chicago, I want you to know that I simply live here. I am originally from London and you can’t tell in this blog post, but I have an English accent. Cheerio, ol’ chap! I am the third cousin to Princess Diana on her father’s uncle’s side of the family. I am practically a royal and was once engaged to the Earl of Hamburger which would have made me the Countess of White Castle. We broke things off when I learned he was cheating on me with my sister, Princess Winifred. I was so distraught that I left the country and now live in Chicago and work at Ross Dress For Less. Anyway, yes, I went to Denny’s and I was under the impression that the $4.00 all-you-can-eat pancakes special was for everyone at the table. I took two of my friends out for dinner, one of my friends being my first cousin Kanye West. (We have the same last name, so you know it’s true.) There we were, enjoying our sixth plate of pancakes when the waitress placed the check on the table. This is when I noticed she had charged us $12.00 and not $4.00. We chose not to have anything to drink because I truly believe that water is the most wonderful beverage of all time and it just happens to be free. I’m not cheap or anything like that. I asked our waitress if she had given us the wrong check since we were overcharged and this is when she told me that it was $4.00 per person. I completely understood and did not get angry as the news reports implied. I stood up to adjust my Spanx and this is when I noticed a wasp approaching our server. In my desire to keep her from being stung, I swatted the nasty insect away. I also have an allergy to wasp stings so I may have unintentionally gotten bit aggressive. I can certainly see how it would have looked as if I was throwing a punch, but I swear to you I was only trying to save her life as I waved my arms and fists repeatedly into the air. At this point, I saw at least 15 or 20 more wasps zooming towards me and I began to run away. I stumbled towards the exit and I accidentally kicked the door as I walked past it. In my haste, and fearing that I would die a horrible death by wasp stings, I accidentally forgot to pay my check. It was all a misunderstanding and once my attorney delves into the case, I will be exonerated and free to return to my life as shift supervisor at Ross. I want to thank The Bitchy Waiter for giving me the chance to tell my side of the story. And by the way, the news reports also failed to mention that I left the waitress a $40 tip.

I Might Be a Stalker, But If It Gets Me Better Tips I’m Okay With It

anigif_enhanced-buzz-31081-1392289702-24If you know me, you know I love three things: 20% tips, tequila and musical theater. If I could somehow combine these three things, I would wrap myself in a blanket of happiness and die a drunk, rich, musical theater queen. There is a show out there on the Great White Way called Dames at Sea and I am going to see it next week. I don’t know much about the plot but I do know there is a lot of tap dancing in it and since I took a whole semester of tap in college in the mid ‘80s, I pretty much know everything there is to know about the art form. I also know that the lead in the show is a woman named Lesli Margherita who is supposed to be really good. She even has an Olivier Award which is like a Tony Award with a British accent. I started following her on Twitter and have kinda become obsessed with her. At first I thought it was because of her incredible talent, but now that I think about it I’m pretty sure it’s because her last name is Margherita and we all know I loves me some of those. She seems funny and diva-like with an air of attitude and a hint of snideness. Basically, everything I love in a person as long as they’re on my side and not against me.

Anyhoo, I am going to see the show on Tuesday and I have decided that it shall be my mission to meet this Lesli Margherita. There are three things I want to happen if/when I meet her:

  1. I want to compare margarita recipes because if her last name is Margherita, she must know how to make a good one.
  2. Since she has an Olivier Award, I am going to assume that she’s either British or can do a mean English accent. I once worked with a guy who had an English accent and he made bank because he said his customers all loved the way he talked. I am going to ask my new best friend Lesli to teach me how to do the most perfect English accent so I can use it when I’m at work and start making more tips. By the time our meeting is over, I wanna talk like Mary freakin’ Poppins.
  3. Finally, since she seems cool, I want to convince her to give up her fleeting career on Broadway (acting is such an uncertain future) and come join me in the restaurant so we can become best friends and also, so she can cover my brunch shifts since I am sick of serving mimosas and would rather be drinking them. You know how some people you just know you’re gonna like? It’s how I feel about Mindy Cohn from The Facts of Life. I always imagine that if we ever meet, we will totally hit it off. She followed me on Twitter for a while but then she wisely cut me out of her life. This is how I feel about Lesli. We are going to meet and she’s gonna be all, “Oh my God, how are we already not best friends?!”

I have not yet decided how I will get backstage, but I shall make it happen. Maybe if I pretend to be a pizza delivery guy and tell the door man I have a Margarita pizza, they will just usher me right up to her dressing room. Or perhaps there is a wall I can scale down. Or maybe I’ll just ask real nice if I could please come backstage to meet her. I’m not sure, but mark my words. I WILL meet her. And if the producers of the show don’t have me arrested for trespassing, she WILL be my new best friend who WILL cover my brunch shifts.

This is where I need your help. T

he show is called Dames at Sea. They have a Facebook page that I am going to ask you to go to and write on the wall telling them something like “Bitchy Waiter is coming and can’t wait to meet you.” But make it sound friendly and not all creepy/stalker. Also, if you can go to the Dames at Sea Twitter feed and do the same, that’s d be great. And, if you can go to Lesli’s Twitter and tell her I said hello, that’d be terrific. (Again, try to make it sound like I’m cool and not like that guy from Silence of the Lambs.) If/when I get backstage, I will video myself and post it on the blog.

Wish me luck! If you’re in NYC on Tuesday, come join me at the Helen Hayes Theater where I will become best friends with Broadway star, Lesli! Here is the commercial for the show. Lesli is the hot number in the kick ass white pants.

Paris is in Our Hearts

12239592_10153723408919935_3876836317315655868_nBy now, everyone has likely heard of the attacks in Paris that killed over 100 people. There are so many reports out there that it’s hard to decipher what exactly happened. All we know for sure is that it was a calculated plot conceived by terrorists who are hell bent on ruining society and making people afraid to live their lives. Paris officials have declared a three day period of mourning but everyone knows that the healing process will take much, much longer. In fact, it’s quite possible that that plenty of people will never heal. I mean, how could you? When something this senseless happens in your life, you will forever be changed.

The attacks happened all over the city of Paris, two of them being at restaurants filled to capacity on a Friday night. Le Petite Cambodge and La Belle Equipe are probably just like any other restaurant that so many of us work in. One minute someone is asking for more bread and the next minute that person is running for their life, or worse, clinging to it. Other attacks happened at a concert hall and random streets.

There are no words. Every day, as we go through our lives, we forget that things can change in an instant. Too easily, we forget how precious life is. Why does it take an event like this to remind us to appreciate everything we have? If there is any good to come out of this, please let it be that we are all reminded to be grateful for the life we are living. There are so many people in Paris who no longer have that opportunity and if we want to make sure that the terrorists do not win, then we have to keep living and not let fear hold us back. There are scores of people who are forever scarred by yesterday’s events.

Even someone on the other side of the ocean who writes a stupid blog about waiting tables can have their life altered by something like this. Today while I am at work, I will not allow anything or anyone to put me in a bad mood. No matter how difficult it may be to please the upset customer or how many times someone sends their Eggs Benedict back because it’s “still not right,” I will remember those restaurant workers in Paris who are simply trying to get through today without crumpling into a heap of sadness. For them, I will remain hopeful. Please send all of your positive thoughts, prayers, energy or whatever you want to call it to the City of Light.

Live your day.

Paris is in our hearts.

Vive la France.

Is This Man Racist or Cheap? (Hint: He Might Be Both)

Screen Shot 2015-11-13 at 8.08.43 AM

Oh, Internet. Each day you gift us with amazing things like videos of kittens tumbling out of laundry baskets or even better videos of a little kids who don’t understand the effects of gravity, but today we have a new gift. A Facebook page called Gina Darling has shared a photo of a receipt where the restaurant customer has found yet another excuse to not leave a tip. Scrawled into the tip line is this wonderful poop nugget of wisdom:

Tips for U.S. citizens only

Underneath the photo was the caption:

This was the tip left at a friend of a friend’s restaurant in Redondo Beach. Fucking disgusting. I can’t believe such ignorant people still exist in this day and age.
Jason Naglich, If you’re against Asian people being here, then don’t come eat our food, you piece of shit.

Lovely, isn’t it? The original poster of the photo did not feel the need to hide the customer’s name and, after much soul searching/Pinot Grigio drinking, I have decided to leave the name visible as well. The man’s name is Jason Naglich and I’m sure his life is blowing up before his eyes. He’s probably the number one Google searched topic amongst servers right now so that waiters and waitresses across America can see what he looks like in case he shows up in their section. They all want to have their birth certificates and green cards ready in case they need to plead their case for a lousy $4.50.

We do not know the details of this receipt. Perhaps Jason had a point. It is quite possible that sometime during the meal service, perhaps between appetizers and the entree, Jason casually asked his waitress, “So, hey, I notice you have an accent. Are you a legally documented worker or are you some illegal alien who is stealing my jobs and living off my taxes?” And the waitress was all, “Oh, hi. No I’m a totally illegal immigrant. Thank God I got here before Donald Trump built that wall, right? Whew! Anyhoo, I’ll be right back with some more bread and a refill for your Diet Coke.”

This was Jason’s cue to save himself 20% of $22.84. Up until that point, his plan was to say he couldn’t afford to tip because he was saving up money for a new car. He has used that excuse before, so this was a great new way for Jason to be a cheap ass. Never mind that there are plenty of people who live and work in the United States who are from other countries. It’s kind of what our whole country was built upon, but this guy saved $4.50, so go America!

Again, we do not know what exactly happened, but we do know there are plenty of horrible people who will find a reason to not leave a tip. And if that person can burp up some racism at the same time, they just look at it as multi-tasking. Good luck, Jason Naglich. With a last name like that, I’m pretty certain that your relatives came from someplace other than the heartland of America so maybe some of this nasty attitude will come back and bite you in your cheap ass.