I Am In Love With These Server Books

I am always on the lookout for things that are going to make our lives as servers better, easier or more fun. Since I have not yet discovered a way for frozen margaritas to be intravenously injected into my veins while working my Thursday night shift which would make being at work infinitely better, I have to settle for a cute server book instead. It’s the little things, y’all.

ServerBooks.com is a great website with so many cute server books and even though they don’t get me a little bit tipsy, they are super adorable. I am currently fixated on this bright pink hologram book for two reasons:

  1. Everyone looks good in pink.
  2. Gay pride is a month away.

server books

I am also considering this Day of the Dead inspired server book that is covered in skulls because if there’s anything that can make me feel better about bringing Table 11 yet another ramekin of lemon slices for their salmon, it’s looking into my apron and knowing that the end is near.

server books

Or perhaps I’ll choose the book that is covered in purple unicorns. If I’m gonna insist that we play the Britney Spears music channel while we’re doing the closing sidewalk, I may as well embrace the sixteen-year old girl who lives inside me and have a server book that matches my attitude.

server book

Anywho, I just wanted to put it out there, because whenever I see something that I think y’all might like, I want to share it with you. Check out their server books at www.serverbooks.com and if any of you get one, send me a photo of you using it at work! I’d love to see it.

Bartender Charged For Serving Gunman Before Mass Shooting

Lindsey Glass
KTVT/EL PASO POLICE DEPARTMENT

A Texas bartender has been charged with criminal negligence and faces a year in jail and/or a $500 fine after she served Spencer Hight who had too much to drink and then went to his ex-wife’s house to kill her and seven other people. The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Code states that a person is criminally negligent if they sell “an alcoholic beverage to an habitual drunkard or an intoxicated or insane person,” so since bartender Lindsey Glass was the last person to serve him, she must be somehow responsible for a crazy-fuck named Spencer Hight shooting up eight of his friends.

The story is complicated because Lindsey personally knew Spencer and even texted a fellow bartender/friend that “Spencer has a big knife on the bar and is spinning it and just asked for his tab and said I have to go do some dirty work … Psychoooooooo.” She also texted that he was being “drunk and being weird” and had “produced a pistol from his front pocket and put it on the table.”

So what’s Lindsey supposed to do? We all know that if the guy showing off a knife was a stranger, she would have called the cops immediately, but since Spencer was an acquaintance, maybe it wasn’t as simple a decision. Or maybe he always pulled this kind of shit and she had no idea he was any more dangerous this time than any other time he’s acted “drunk and weird.” (She did call 911 after he left the bar.) Perhaps Lindsey wanted to give him one more drink just so he’d calm down or pass out and hopefully sleep it off. I’m not saying that she should serve an obviously inebriated customer more alcohol. All I’m saying is that it’s complicated to cut someone off, especially someone you know personally.

Some of the families of the victims filed civil suits against Lindsey but those suits were eventually dropped. However, she still faces the criminal negligence charges.

Is that right? I don’t think this girl should go to jail just because she had the misfortune of being the last person to serve a drink to someone who already had a pretty good plan to go do some damage. I understand that the families of the victims want someone to pay for this since Spencer ended up dead that night too, but the bartender? If you’re looking to place blame, you can look at the person who sold Spencer the gun. Or maybe the person who sold him the bullets. Hey, why not sue the GPS company that gave him directions to his ex-wife’s house or maybe the gas station that allowed Spencer to have enough fuel to drive there? This bartender is going to spend the rest of her life regretting that night and she certainly doesn’t need a year in jail or a fine to make it more imprinted in her memory.

We as servers and bartenders do the best we can do when it comes to serving alcohol. How are we supposed to know if someone who sits in our section is a “habitual drunkard” when they sit down and order a Jack and Coke two minutes after the first time we’ve ever laid eyes on them? And an “intoxicated” person isn’t always so easily identifiable. Sure some of them are sloppy drunks and it’s an easy call, but some of those drunks are professional and can have six drinks somewhere else and not even show it and as far we know they’re on cocktail number one. Finally, if Texas doesn’t want us to serve an “insane person,” I’d like to know how the hell we’re supposed to know what our customers mental history is. Half the people who sit in my section seem crazy as a bed bug, so am I supposed to stop serving all of them our just the people who present me their psychological history in a manilla folder that was provided by their psychiatrist?

To the families of the victims, I’m sorry for your loss.

To Lindsey Glass, I say good luck to you. I hope your only punishment for this are the memories you will have to live with.

To every server and bartender out there I say this: be careful when you serve liquor because one of those assholes you give a beer to might make a bad decision after they leave your restaurant and someone might want to blame you for it.


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How To Make Sure Your Server Hates You – Update

Last week, I wrote a blog post about the above image. It went fairly viral and after a few days, I was contacted by one of the women in the photo. She was not happy with me. The message basically said “our professor told us to do it” and “the waitress knew what was happening” and “we didn’t give permission to have our photo taken” and “people are being mean to us and calling us names” and “we demand you take down the post” and “blah blah blah.” Therefore, I am reposting this blog with a few revisions. Below, you will find the the original text with a few redactions (struck out) and additions (in red.)

To the two women in the photo: I’m sorry. There should have been more research before I posted the photo. I’m sorry some of the readers recognized you since you’re both minor celebrities at your school and then called you names. I didn’t mean to spread misinformation, but then again this blog isn’t CNN or NPR. It’s a blog written by a bitchy waiter. But, I’m sorry.


For most servers, it’s not difficult to look deep inside our bodies to find a pool of revulsion and disgust for our customers. Even the most friendly of servers have that well of dislike, it’s just easier for some of us to find it. For me, it’s like a year round swimming pool full of too much chlorine and loathing with no shallow end and a broken diving board. For others it’s more like a secret swimmin’ hole of slight empathy that one has to know where to look to find it. There are a lot of ways to make us dislike a customer, but the surest and most certain way I have ever seen to guarantee that response is to do what these two women did when they went out to eat at a restaurant that I hope no one will recognize. They placed a sign on the table that said “Your Tip So Far.”

YOUR TIP SO FAR

No, no, no.

I have taken the liberty of placing black bars huge sad face emojis over the faces of these two women in order to protect their privacy. But let’s be honest: that black bar is thinner than a piece of deli meat, so if you know who they are, you’ll definitely recognize them. By doing so, I hope no one ever recognizes these two women and then calls them names on the Internet.

After this image was sent to me, I then heard that the sign was part of an experiment for a physiology class at a university I do not want to name so these women CANNOT be identified. Physiology is defined as the branch of biology that deals with the normal functions of living organisms and their parts. It sounds more like a psychology (the science that deals with mental processes and behavior) experiment, but I was told physiology, so we’ll go with that. Now, I’m not a fancy scientist or anything, but this experiment is obviously about learning how a server’s brain explodes at the sight of two college students who are messing with that server’s income. Or maybe it’s an experiment to see what one needs to do in order to have your food at a restaurant take longer than it should and how to make sure your water glass is never, ever filled. Whether it’s an experiment in physiology or psychology, what the actual fuck?

If this “Your Tip So far” sign was a noble experiment, it seems like they are using the server as a subject without the server’s consent. Again, I’m no expert, but that seems morally irresponsible. I do hope this photo gets shared plenty of times so we can conduct our own little experiment: by sharing the photo hundreds or even thousand of times, we can learn whether or not a professor at an unnamed university will own up to their mistake and admit this was a bad idea. If this behavior was not because of a professor and was, in fact, two young women simply being pains in the asses, then we can also see how long it takes for them to go into a restaurant again and actually treat their server with respect and dignity. But we shouldn’t have to worry about that because no one will ever know who these two women are.

Either way, you should definitely NOT share the hell out of this photo. (And you should also follow me on Instagram and Twitter.

 

14 Things That Will Happen in Every Mexican Restaurant on Cinco de Mayo

Cinco de Mayo is almost upon us and anyone who works in a Mexican restaurant is preparing themselves for one of the biggest shit shows of the year. May 5th is a commemoration of the victory of Mexico’s army over the French Empire at the Battle of Puebla, but most Americans think of it as Mexican Independence Day and a reason to get trashed on margaritas.

I asked Twitter to tell me a few things that would definitely, 100%, for sure  happen in every Mexican restaurant on that day and the people had answers:

If You Need to Write a Note Like This To Your Server, Stay at Home

We in the food and beverage industry have an inherent desire to please our customers. Some of us are eager to satisfy the needs of our customers because it fills our soul with joy and contentment knowing that we have contributed to a dining experience that has made someone else happy. Others of us do it because our fucking tip depends on it and if Connie isn’t happy with our service we know she’ll hold onto that 20% gratuity like it’s the last glass of Chardonnay at meet and greet for single moms over the age of 40. In other words, you will never be able to pry a decent tip from her cold, dead, overly-manicured hands.

I am always puzzled when someone goes to a restaurant and then feels the need to write out what they want since it’s so different than what’s offered on the menu. I mean, if the menu is so far off from what you want to eat, why the fuck are you there? Case in point, is this order for three Ranchero tacos that seem unlike what a Ranchero taco is meant to be:

“No meat, no pico, no jalapeño aioli, so cilantro and no queso fresco.” So far, this order of Ranchero tacos sounds like a plain old plate of empty ass taco shells. But then, the author of the note (probably someone like the aforementioned Connie) asks that the shells be filled with black beans, rice, avocado (a lot, please!), tomatoes, a small amount of lettuce, cheese, and Ranch dressing.

Okay, first off, queso fresco is fucking cheese, Connie. It literally means “fresh cheese,” so do you or don’t you want to have cheese on your taco? You can’t ask them to hold the queso and then have them add cheese instead. That’s like saying you don’t want a margarita but instead you’ll have tequila, lime juice, triple sec, and agave shaken over ice and poured into glass with a salted rim. Same thing, lady.

Secondly, if you want extra avocado, you have to order extra avocado. We aren’t going to give it to you for free just because you said please in your stupid little note and added and exclamation point. Avocados are literally worth their weight in gold these days. Last week, I paid $3.00 for one fucking organic avocado at Whole Foods, so if you want extra, expect to pay for it. You also specified you only want a small amount of lettuce, but leaving off a tablespoon of shredded iceberg lettuce doesn’t give you the key to unlimited, all-you-can-eat avocados.

Thirdly, it’s spelled A-V-O-C-A-D-O.

Fourth, if the menu at the restaurant you have chosen to go to is so wildly inappropriate for what you eat, don’t go there. I’m sure there’s a place that can cater to your needs and will be happy to serve you all the iceberg lettuce and avocados that you want.

Fifth, why is there an apostrophe in the word tacos? Are you trying to show that the tacos have possession over something? The only thing the tacos own is their shame for no longer being allowed to embrace their own Ranchero identity. Or maybe the taco is about to do something. Like the taco *is* about to jump off the plate because it finds the author of the note so completely tiresome.

Finally, who the fuck puts Ranch dressing on a taco? And if you’re eating at a Mexican restaurant that has Ranch dressing anywhere in the kitchen, you should immediately leave the restaurant or prepare yourself for a major side of disappointment.

Stop with the notes, people.

Man’s Heart is Broken Over Loss of Olive Garden Dish

In today’s crazy world, there are plenty of reasons to be sad. Your sadness may derive from the knowledge that the polar ice caps are slowly melting and therefore changing the coastlines around the world or perhaps that innate sorrow stems from the great divide in our country as we struggle to find some sort of commonality in our individual ideals for society. But if you’re a guy named Monty, your sadness is coming from Olive Garden and the fact that they replaced Steak Gorgonzola.

I always believed that one person’s emotions were no more important than another person’s emotions, but thanks to Monty I no longer accept that. Monty has shown me that there are some levels of sadness that are simply more important than others. I mean, Steak Gorgonzola no longer being offered at Olive Garden? Yeah, that’s a grief unknown to most of us and we all need to band together to send Monty our love. Sure, Olive Garden offers a Braised Beef Gorgonzola-Alfredo, but it’s just not the same. We cannot expect Monty to let braised beef into his heart like he did with the steak. What if he falls in love with that dish only to have the culinary team at Olive Garden suddenly decide it’s no longer a viable option and rip it from the menu? Taking an item off the menu is easy, but taking it away from Monty’s heart is just plain cruel.

During Monty’s time of need, I ask that you all send him heartfelt prayers. If you were planning on praying for the victims of the flooding in Missouri or for those suffering in war torn countries on the other side of the world, please put those prayers on the back burner and focus on Monty instead, because this is serious.

And to you Monty, I offer this: I will do everything in my power to get that Steak Gorgonzola back on the menu so that your heart can mend. You may think it will never, ever be the same again, but maybe, just maybe, there is a God who will see your suffering and make things right for you. On your behalf, I have started a petition to get your beloved Steak Gorgonzola back on the Olive Garden menu and if enough of us sign it, maybe someday your heart can be whole again. Prayers to you, Monty. And all of my love.

CLICK HERE TO SIGN THE PETION TO GET STEAK GORGONZOLA BACK ON THE OLIVE GARDEN MENU.