Someone Enacted Revenge Upon Me and It Was Pretty Good

That bitch...

That bitch…

If you are unlike me and able to recall events that happened more than two or three days ago, you might remember a silly little incident a few weeks ago when I called Megan a “special little snowflake” because she had a business card with all of her allergies printed out on it. She gave the card to her server, her server took a picture of it, he sent it to me and then I made fun of her. It’s what I do. Well, it pissed off a lot of people, especially one woman named Gina who told me to fuck off and sent me highly inappropriate photos of her near naked children whose skin was blistering with peanut allergies. Gina threatened revenge and promised to expose me. For days, I waited to see what her plan would be. What could she possibly do that would get even with me for sharing a meme on Facebook?

After a few days, her plan became apparent and I have to admit it was good. It sounded like something I would do. I never bothered to write a blog post about it because I had already beaten that topic to death, but when I went to do a live recording of the podcast Tell the Bartender, I decided to share the story there. If you want to hear what that fucking bitch did to me (like anybody even cares…) you can listen to the podcast by clicking the link below. The other guest on that show was Broadway superstar Norm Lewis. And it turns out that he too has waited tables!

Tell the Bartender, Episode 54: LIVE With Norm Lewis and The Bitchy Waiter


The Bitchy Waiter, Katharine Heller and Norm Lewis


NY Servers get 50% Raise: The Good, The Bad and the Ugly

Hip hip hurrah! (I think.)

Did you hear the pealing of the bells? Did you see the double rainbow form over New York State yesterday? Did you feel the change? Did you taste the cheap champagne when you made a toast to your fellow servers? Did you smell the honey mustard in your hair? Four out of those five sensory moments were brought to you by the fact that New York State has decided to raise the minimum wage for tipped employees from $5.00 an hour to $7.50. The change will go into effect on December 31st. This means that over 250,000 tipped employees will see an increase on their checks and it’s the first increase since 2011. (A shout out to states like fucking Texas where the minimum wage for servers is still $2.13 an hour which is what it was when I worked there all the way back in 1991.)

Most servers will be happy to hear this news because maybe, just maybe, they will get a paycheck that isn’t a negative number. You know who isn’t going to be happy about this raise? Everyone else, that’s who. Melissa Fleischut, president of the New York State Restaurant Association is one of those people crying into her plate of loaded nachos. “By rubber-stamping an extreme, unprecedented 50 percent increase it becomes hard to believe New York is really ‘Open for Business,'” she whined in between asking for extra lemons for her water and complaining that her silverware had a spot on it. Of course the Restaurant Association has the back of restaurant owners and not the servers. Owners are probably already considering increasing menu prices to pay for the raise and I’m sure the kitchen staff will now hate servers even more.

But we have to wonder what this wage increase will do to our tips. Will customers be less likely to leave a decent tip knowing that their server now makes a whopping $7.50 and hour? Will it become more and more common for restaurants to simply do away with tipping all together and pay their servers $15-16 an hour? And what if that happens? There are some servers who would be happy to earn that much an hour but there are plenty who would see that as a huge decrease in salary. And if customers decide that the new standard is 10% rather than 20%, what will that do to the level of service we give? If our wage isn’t dependent on the level service, will it be just as easy to smile and kiss the asses of those who dig into their pockets to tip us? We are on a slippery slope, my friends.

I am happy that we are getting a raise here in New York State, but I must say I don’t think I want it to go too much higher. I honestly think that if it inches towards $10-12 an hour, customers will find it hard to justify a tip. “If the girl at the Gap makes that much an hour and I don’t tip her, why do I have to tip you?” they will want to know. And the truth is, I’m not sure I would have an answer. If Gap girl carries out three pair of Easy Fit jeans to a customer and then folds t-shirts after that, how different is that from me carrying out three pints of beer to Table 9 and then rolling silverware? True, the girl working at the Gap doesn’t have hair that smells like honey mustard, but customers will argue that the two jobs are the same thing.

I don’t want to see our tips dry up. They may fluctuate wildly between good and bad, but I like being able to turn on the charm and get a few extra dollars out of a customer. It’s a challenge to pretend that I think a baby is adorable just so the mother will tip 20%, but if I don’t have tips as an incentive, what’s to stop me from blurting out how ugly a child is? If I am not getting tips, my interest in table turnover takes a nosedive because why would I want to take care of twenty tables in one night if I could make the same amount of money by only taking care of one?

Only time will tell what will happen to those of in the land of tipped employees. For the time being, I will look forward to December 31st when the new wage goes into effect. I will relish that paycheck and take that money with gratitude. It’s still many months away before it happens, but until then, I will dream of paychecks with extra zeros and imagine what I will do with all that extra money.



A Comment on Comments, the Google Questions Edition

A Comment on Comments

A Comment on Comments

Last week I wrote a little something based on the questions that Google predicted I was typing in when I did a search about waiters. I was surprised at what other questions people had typed into Google and I decided it would be fun for me to give my own answers to those question. One of the questions was “Why do waiters put salt on napkins?” I admitted that I had never heard of that practice and did not even attempt to come up with an answer. Lo and behold, I was bombarded with people telling me what the correct answer is: it seems that placing salt on a bev nap keeps the napkin from sticking to the glass every time the glass is picked up. I also learned that it is mostly customers who do this little trick rather then the servers because it makes a mess and no server is going to intentionally create more of a mess that they will then have to clean up themselves.

At first I thought, “Oh, what a neat trick to know” and “How have I never heard of that before since I have been serving since the olden days of yore?” Most people who let me know about the trick were kind and happy to impart their knowledge to me and to others. A couple of people though were downright rude about me not knowing the little bar trick and were rather insulting to me. I know of insulting because I do it on a daily basis. To those two people, I shall reply.

Real waiter said: You don’t understand the salt on a bev nap? Clearly, you’ve never worked in a restaurant.

Okay, look, Real Waiter. No, I have never heard of the stupid fucking “salt on the bev nap” technique. Plenty of people mentioned that it most often happens in bars and places like Chili’s and TGIFriday’s so forgive me for not knowing every single thing that has ever happened in every restaurant over the history of fucking time. For you to imply that I have never worked in a restaurant is quite frankly the rudest thing anyone has ever said to me. Of course I have. And I still do. Why, this is a bathroom selfie I took at work just a few days ago as I was about to mop the restaurant. (I am the one on the left.)

I am the one on the left.

That’s me with the glasses.

Does that look like the selfie that someone would take in their own restroom? Of course not. It is clearly a selfie taken by a restaurant server who is slightly buzzed, very bored and holding a disgusting mop. (Again, I’m the one on the left.)

bartenderD said: My bar guests know more about serving than Bitchy Waiter and they work construction lol I agree that some of those questions are not the best but the answers from Bitchy Waiter show more ignorance than the people asking the questions. Lost all credibility IMO.

bartenderD does not understand what satire is. Yes, I answered some of the questions in a facetious way and it went right over his head lol. For example, when answering the question about why waiters pour a little bit of wine, I wrote it as if the only time I pour wine is when it is for me to drink. Of course I understand about pouring a taste of wine for the person who ordered it and I understand about proper wine pours when filling a glass. The answer I gave does not show ignorance but your statement certainly does because you say I have lost all credibility. Well, the joke’s on you, bartenderD, because I didn’t have any credibility to begin with, so there.

Both of these commenters have cut me to to the quick, for they imply that I do not deserve to be called a waiter. Well, I am a waiter and a damn good one, albeit a little bit bitchy. I take offense at what you both say and although I just spat out about 700 words to prove my point, the video below explains exactly how I feel in three short words.


These Are Definitely The Worst Google Questions About Waiters

Thanks, Google...

Thanks, Google…

Google is a wonderful thing when you are in need of answers, for there is no question too difficult for Google, but sometimes you have to filter through pages and pages of Internet garbage until you find the most basic answer to your original question. I am here to help. While recently typing in an inane question about waiters, Google so helpfully predicted what it was I may have been searching for. I suppose it only predicts what others have already typed in, but some of the questions surprised me. Rather than go to each page and sift through the answers, I have decided to answer them myself. You’re welcome.

Why do waiters pour a little wine? Usually, we are pouring a little bit of wine because it helps us get through our shift. Most bosses do not approve of drinking on the job, so in order to get away with it, we pour only a little bit at a time so we can down it quickly and get on over to Table 7 to see why they are frantically waving their arms. If we pour too much wine and are unable to finish it in one sip, then we will have to leave it sitting in the sidestand taking a chance that our manager will discover it or worse, an overzealous busboy will unwittingly pour it out.

Why do waiters wear black? Waiters wear black because it is allows us to stain the fuck out of our uniforms and still wear them. If we wore white, customers would see every wine, sauce and ketchup stain on our clothes and know how truly disgusting our uniforms sometimes are. Black uniforms are the best as long as there is no black light, in which case black uniforms are an awful awful idea.
Why do waiters serve from the right? I honestly don’t know. I assume it has something to do with some old fashioned custom that came down from Downton Abbey times when butlers were doing all the serving. Maybe it’s because more people are right-handed and it is just easier to serve from the right if you are using your right hand. On the other hand, if you’re working at Chili’s nobody gives a flying fajita fuck which side you serve from.

Why do waiters need tips? We need tips for the same reason that other people with jobs need paychecks; to pay for minor things like rent, electricity and food. No big deal.

Why do waiters get tips? Waiters get tips because we are performing a service and since servers make less than minimum wage, it is a societal custom for customers to provide a 15-20% tip based on the total of their bill. This is how it is in our country. Accept it.
Why do waiters get paid so little? I think our hourly has something to do with restaurant owners not wanting to pay a living wage to their staff so they can can keep the prices of their food affordable. If restaurant owners decided to pay all of their servers $15-20 an hour, menu prices would become higher and customers would have a new thing to complain about.

Why do waiters complain so much? I don’t think waiters complain any more than the average person who has job. Everyone feels better if they can vent their frustrations so waiters tend to vent. A lot. After all, we have plenty to complain about considering we have jobs that pay us very little and we are dependent on the generosity of strangers to cover our wages. Not to mention, we are only pouring a little bit of wine when we really want to drink the whole bottle with a straw. We also happen to be very good at complaining and as Oprah once said, in order to find happiness you should find something you’re really good at and keep doing it. I guess that means waiters who are good at complaining are just going to keep complaining until we are happy, so get the fuck over it.

Why do waiters put salt on napkins? What the fuck is Google talking about who the hell typed that question? I have no idea what this means.

Why do waiters make so little? Some waiters make so little because there are too many people in this country who feel that tipping is not their responsibility and they stiff the server meaning that the waiter is working for absolutely nothing. The people who do that are horrible excuses for human beings and if they even spent just one week carrying a tray for a living they would never do it again. Of course, not all waiters make “so little.” Plenty of them make very good livings serving food but even they have to deal with the occasional asshole who does not believe in tipping. Tipping exists so how can someone not “believe” in it?

Why do waiters pour water from the side? When a waiter pours water from the side of the pitcher rather than from the spout, there are two reasons for this. Number one is so that the waiter can get plenty of ice into the glass because god forbid a table drink water that is room temperature The second reason is simply a time issue; more water can be poured from the side than the spout thus filling the glass up quicker so we can move on to more important things like making sure our little bit of wine is still in the sidestand.

Thank you, Google, for providing us with these wonderful questions, but I cannot imagine that your answers would be better than what I have come up with.