How To Get the Olive Garden Pumpkin Cheesecake Before Anyone Else

Open up your mouths and every other orifice because it’s that time of year again when everything will suddenly become pumpkin spiced, from coffee to candles to condoms. Not to be outdone, Olive Garden is jumping on the pumpkin bandwagon by introducing a limited time only Pumpkin Cheesecake.

The dessert has a chocolate cookie crust, pumpkin cheesecake, with a layer of brownie, and a drizzle of chocolate fudge on top. And if that wasn’t enough it comes with a side of whipped cream too because is it really pumpkin flavor without a dollop of whipped cream? No, Karen, it isn’t. It will be on the menu at Olive Garden starting on September 24th, but if you absolutely cannot wait for it, you don’t need to. This week, the restaurants will have a small supply on hand if you want it now. Olive Garden is calling it a “sneak peak week.” But how do you get it if it’s not on the menu? There is a special secret code you have to use and I have it for you here.

After you sit down and as soon as your server approaches the table, you must be ready. Say the following exactly as written:

Pumpkin, pumpkin on the plate. I must have pumpkin, I can’t wait.

Pumpkin Cheesecake with whipped cream. Pumpkin Cheesecake makes me scream.

Breadsticks on the window panes. Shoot that pumpkin in my veins.

If by chance the cheesecake’s gone, you will find me on your lawn

Crying, begging wanting more, for I am just a pumpkin whore.

Once you say that, the server will respond with the required response of:

Calm the fuck down, bitch. It’s just cheesecake, relax.

Enjoy!

6 Things Customers Should Know About Endless Shrimp

It’s that time of year again! Red Lobster is in the middle of their Endless Shrimp promotion and it’s when people crawl out from under their rocks to stuff their faces with ridiculous amounts of shellfish making their server run back and forth from the kitchen seventy five times. If you are one of the thousands of people who only go out to eat when you can have an endless amount of food for a very low price, this blog post is for you. Here are some things to remember in between swallowing whole shrimp and drinking ramekins of butter:

  1. Please tip accordingly. When your server is making extra trips to your table because there is an endless supply of shrimp (or pasta, or whatever else your cheap ass is enjoying), tip a little extra. If the server is bringing you eight or nine plates of shrimp and it only costs $14.99, tipping more than 20% would be a really nice gesture. Don’t be cheap.
  2. Be appreciative. Your server is working his or her ass off because their whole station is full of people wanting to break the record for the most shrimp ever eaten. Take a moment to say thank you.
  3. Be patient. If it takes a few minutes for your seventh plate of shrimp to make it to your table, give it a minute or two. Maybe the kitchen is a little behind or maybe your server is in the restroom crying in the stall and wondering what they were thinking when they decided to take a job at Red Lobster. Stay calm. Your shrimp will be there soon, Karen.
  4. Wipe your mouth. You know what else Red Lobster has an endless supply of? Napkins. So use them. The only thing more difficult than serving plate after plate of shrimp is having to speak to a customer whose face is covered in butter and garlic. Wipe your fucking mouth, animals.
  5. Don’t be a fucking pig. The goal is to enjoy your meal, not to see how many shrimp you can shove down your gullet. If you get full, stop eating. It doesn’t matter that the last time you had all you can eat shrimp you ate 75 and you want to do at least 80 this time because none of it will matter if you puke it up in the parking lot ten minutes after paying your check.
  6. Don’t ask for a to-go box. While the promotion is an “endless” amount of shrimp, it does not mean you can take it home with you. Likewise, leave the fucking Tupperware at home. You can eat as much as you want, but it has to be inside your stomach when you leave. It’s not meant to be your lunch tomorrow.

The Endless Shrimp promotion will be over in a few weeks, but until then I send out good wishes to my server friends at Red Lobster. You got this, people.

As for the customers, I hope you will take my advice. Without you, there would be no Endless Shrimp promotion. Enjoy your shrimp and please make sure that when you leave the restaurant, you don’t have any random shrimp tails hanging out of your mouth because that would just prove the point that you are a filthy pig who can’t be taken anywhere.

To The Bosses Who Expect Us To Work During a Hurricane

As Hurricane Florence makes a beeline for the coast of the Carolinas and Virginia, millions of people are being advised to evacuate the area immediately and take shelter from the massive Category 4 storm. Most people will heed that advice, but plenty of others will be forced to stay and weather the storm because they have no place to go or simply cannot afford to leave. Others will make the possibly unwise decision to stay in place because of a reason that is completely out of their control: stupid ass restaurant owners and managers requiring them to come to work.

Every time there is a natural disaster of some sort, I’m bombarded with stories from servers and restaurant employees who tell me that their boss made them go to work. Such is the case with Beth who, despite living in a mandatory evacuation zone, will get written up as a “no-show” if she chooses to focus on the safety and welfare of herself and her family rather than the livelihood of her restaurant. “Even Wal-Mart is closed,” she says. And we all know that when the fucking Wal-Mart closes, that shit is serious.

I want to take a minute to speak directly to the restaurant managers and owners who are expecting their servers to drive through 125 mile per hour wind and sheets of rain just so they can sit in an empty restaurant making $2.13 an hour: 

Fuck that. If you want to keep your restaurant open during a Category 4 hurricane, fine, but you better find yourself an apron, a chef’s hat and a clipboard because you should be the one who waits tables, cooks the food and seats the customers. Let your servers, cooks and hosts take care of their own property while you take care of yours. You can argue that you want to remain open to help serve the community in this time of need, but you shouldn’t expect your staff to do it. Why would you think they’d want to put your needs ahead of their own? So, what, they work their seven hour shift and then they can’t get home because the road have been washed out and there’s a fucking tree laying on their car? No. Just, no. For the sake of everyone’s safety, including your own, accept that a Category 4 is a major problem and it’s alright to let the restaurant be closed for a few days while you focus on more important things like sandbagging your home, securing outdoor furniture and staying fucking alive.

To all of you who are in the path of this hurricane, I wish you well. I hope it’s not as bad as they say it is and I hope the recovery is swift. Most of all, I hope that if you work for a boss who expects you to ignore this storm and come to work that your boss gets hit in the head by a tree limb just hard enough to know some fucking sense into them.

By the way, MAKE AMERICA TIP AGAIN.

Nate Threatens To Never Go Back To Olive Garden

Attention, attention! This is a news alert about Nate who will no longer be going to Olive Garden. Yes, that’s right, after 17 years of being a loyal follower of bread sticks, Tuscan soup and all things Italian, Nate has made the bold choice to never return again. Nate is upset that Olive Garden has taken Chicken Marsala, the best food item they’ve ever had, off the menu.

Olive Garden servers across the country are in deep mourning over this news and for one week, they will be allowed to ditch their regular uniforms and wear all black instead. Although a black uniform may not be ideal when it comes to hiding cream sauce spills, the mourning is more important than the hiding of stains. Nate’s threat to boycott his favorite restaurant is sure to be taken seriously by the top brass of Olive Garden because how can a huge restaurant corporation be expected to carry on without the financial and moral support of one man named Nate?

As Nate patiently waits for his demands to be met, he will have to find some other place to get his Chicken Marsala fix. Some people are addicted to opioids, some are tied to the bottle and some are a slave to crack cocaine, but Nate is a prisoner to chicken and mushrooms in a wine sauce. Be strong, Nate. Please know that there are so many of us hoping that Olive Garden hears your plea and soon puts it back on the menu. To you we send out our thoughts, prayers, good karma, well wishes, positive vibes and a coupon for a Bertolli Chicken Marsala & Roasted Redskin Potatoes skillet meal for two.

In the meantime, the tears will be strong. We all feel your pain and know what a difficult time this is for you. And to Olive Garden, I say this: for the love of God, please put Chicken Marsala back on the menu. If not for Nate, then for those of us don’t work at Olive Garden, because until you put it back on the menu, we will be the ones who have to deal with him at our restaurants. Do the right thing. Put it back on the menu. Save us from Nate.

I Need a New Job

I am currently seeking a new serving position because the restaurant I have worked at for the past seven years will soon be closing. I can offer you 15+ years of NYC restaurant experience. I am a team player who has become an expert at multi-tasking, prioritizing, foresight and the ability to stay calm while in a stressful situation, all the while ensuring that my customers receive a warm and welcoming dining experience. The job needs to be in New York City, preferably close to the 7 train.

Ideally, my new job won’t mind that I run a Facebook page called Bitchy Waiter and I also blog, Tweet, and Instagram about what happens to me at work. It is absolutely necessary that my phone stays with me throughout the shift so that notes can be taken at any time. Also, an occasional Facebook Live video or Instagram story will probably happen in the walk-in cooler. In addition, photographs will need to happen while at work to document the goings on of a typical serving shift. My new employer must accept that.

As for availability, I have Thursday. Just Thursday. I would prefer a lunch shift, but would consider a dinner shift as long as the restaurant closes at 10:00, maybe 11:00, depending on the neighborhood the restaurant is located in and how long it will take me to get home on the subway. If the restaurant is open later than that, I am not able to close. Ever. I will also be unavailable to pick up shifts for others, but would occasionally need someone to pick up for me. In a pinch, I can consider working an additional day, but it really depends on what else I have going on that week and how much I like the person who needs their shift covered. Overall, it’s pretty doubtful.

If you hire me and you would like free publicity, I am happy to let my readers know where I am working and which shift I will be there. (Thursday. See above.) Seeing that I have almost 750K followers on Facebook and a very large following on Twitter and Instagram, this could be a wonderful benefit for your restaurant, bringing in tens of people per year who would want to sit in the section of The Bitchy Waiter.

Don’t worry, I’m much nicer in real life than my blog and online personae would suggest. Want to hire me! Contact me! Thank you.

Was This Waiter Actually Arrested For Handing Out a Straw?

A waiter in Livermore, CA has been sentenced to five years of hard labor in the dish-pit for distributing a straw for a Shirley Temple. Although Bill AB1884 which would make it illegal for servers and restaurants to give out plastic straws has not passed yet, 28-year old Stephen McSipper has already paid the price.

McSipper works at Doug’s Donuts Diner on the corner of 4th Street and South Livermore Avenue. The owner, Billy Bob Horbrush, has been working in tandem with the Livermore Police Department as part of a sting operation called “Straw Wars” in preparation for the anticipated passing of the new law. The “little girl” was actually a 48-year old male veteran of the police force who specializes in undercover cases and happens to look like a very young Cindy Brady.

“I thought she was like five years old and she wanted a straw so I gave her one,” says McSipper. “The next thing I knew, there were like eight cops on top of me and and I was handcuffed and on the floor which really pisses me off because that floor is filthy. I mean, do you think I mop it or anything?”

Because the law has not gone into effect, there is no jail time for McSipper, but he will be spending a lot of extra hours washing dishes and pans. Horbrush has assured him there will be plenty of things to wash and even if something is not dirty, he will be washing it anyway. In addition to washing the dishes, McSipper will be expected to scrape all the gum from underneath the tables, sweep the patio, clean the ceiling fans and rotate all of the dressings in the walk-in at least twice a week

“I just want my employees to understand the severity of this plastic straw epidemic we have in this country,” say Horbrush. “Those goddamn sea turtles need help and I’m here for them!”

As for McSipper, his only option to avoid the punishment is to quit his job and find a new one. “It’s not even a law yet, why should I be punished for doing something that isn’t against the law? I will be reaching out to an attorney.” A Go Fund Me account has been set up for McSipper to help him with expected legal fees. “Don’t get me wrong, I love sea turtles, they’re awesome! But this is just a little crazy. And that undercover cop totally looked like a little girl.”

The Livermore Police have not released a statement explaining that the future of other undercover Straw Wars sting operations could be in jeopardy if they should address the issue at this time. They have expressed support to Doug’s Donuts Diner for being vigilant in the effort to save the sea turtles.

If you would like to contribute to Stephen McSippers Go Fund Me, click here. Or to read the original story, click here.