Posted by The Bitchy Waiter
on Feb 19, 2015 | 36 comments
Google is a wonderful thing when you are in need of answers, for there is no question too difficult for Google, but sometimes you have to filter through pages and pages of Internet garbage until you find the most basic answer to your original question. I am here to help. While recently typing in an inane question about waiters, Google so helpfully predicted what it was I may have been searching for. I suppose it only predicts what others have already typed in, but some of the questions surprised me. Rather than go to each page and sift through the answers, I have decided to answer them myself. You’re welcome.
Why do waiters pour a little wine? Usually, we are pouring a little bit of wine because it helps us get through our shift. Most bosses do not approve of drinking on the job, so in order to get away with it, we pour only a little bit at a time so we can down it quickly and get on over to Table 7 to see why they are frantically waving their arms. If we pour too much wine and are unable to finish it in one sip, then we will have to leave it sitting in the sidestand taking a chance that our manager will discover it or worse, an overzealous busboy will unwittingly pour it out.
Why do waiters wear black? Waiters wear black because it is allows us to stain the fuck out of our uniforms and still wear them. If we wore white, customers would see every wine, sauce and ketchup stain on our clothes and know how truly disgusting our uniforms sometimes are. Black uniforms are the best as long as there is no black light, in which case black uniforms are an awful awful idea.
Why do waiters serve from the right? I honestly don’t know. I assume it has something to do with some old fashioned custom that came down from Downton Abbey times when butlers were doing all the serving. Maybe it’s because more people are right-handed and it is just easier to serve from the right if you are using your right hand. On the other hand, if you’re working at Chili’s nobody gives a flying fajita fuck which side you serve from.
Why do waiters need tips? We need tips for the same reason that other people with jobs need paychecks; to pay for minor things like rent, electricity and food. No big deal.
Why do waiters get tips? Waiters get tips because we are performing a service and since servers make less than minimum wage, it is a societal custom for customers to provide a 15-20% tip based on the total of their bill. This is how it is in our country. Accept it.
Why do waiters get paid so little? I think our hourly has something to do with restaurant owners not wanting to pay a living wage to their staff so they can can keep the prices of their food affordable. If restaurant owners decided to pay all of their servers $15-20 an hour, menu prices would become higher and customers would have a new thing to complain about.
Why do waiters complain so much? I don’t think waiters complain any more than the average person who has job. Everyone feels better if they can vent their frustrations so waiters tend to vent. A lot. After all, we have plenty to complain about considering we have jobs that pay us very little and we are dependent on the generosity of strangers to cover our wages. Not to mention, we are only pouring a little bit of wine when we really want to drink the whole bottle with a straw. We also happen to be very good at complaining and as Oprah once said, in order to find happiness you should find something you’re really good at and keep doing it. I guess that means waiters who are good at complaining are just going to keep complaining until we are happy, so get the fuck over it.
Why do waiters put salt on napkins? What the fuck is Google talking about who the hell typed that question? I have no idea what this means.
Why do waiters make so little? Some waiters make so little because there are too many people in this country who feel that tipping is not their responsibility and they stiff the server meaning that the waiter is working for absolutely nothing. The people who do that are horrible excuses for human beings and if they even spent just one week carrying a tray for a living they would never do it again. Of course, not all waiters make “so little.” Plenty of them make very good livings serving food but even they have to deal with the occasional asshole who does not believe in tipping. Tipping exists so how can someone not “believe” in it?
Why do waiters pour water from the side? When a waiter pours water from the side of the pitcher rather than from the spout, there are two reasons for this. Number one is so that the waiter can get plenty of ice into the glass because god forbid a table drink water that is room temperature The second reason is simply a time issue; more water can be poured from the side than the spout thus filling the glass up quicker so we can move on to more important things like making sure our little bit of wine is still in the sidestand.
Thank you, Google, for providing us with these wonderful questions, but I cannot imagine that your answers would be better than what I have come up with.