Apparently, Servers Are Not Allowed to Have Facial Expressions

TripIn my never ending quest to stand up for the average server and also find things to write about on this old, tired ass blog, I have been alerted to a review on Trip Advisor that gives me pause. A seafood restaurant called Nautilus Seafood & Grill in Belfast, Maine left one customer disappointed because the waiter had the nerve to have a facial expression.

The reviewer had planned on having a relaxing afternoon with the family and seemed satisfied with the lunch until the end of service. She explains that she waited “a while” to pay her check, but we servers know that “a while” is the equivalent of about three to five minutes. In order to get her waiter’s attention she waved her card and bill at him. This, apparently, is when things went from relaxing to disappointing, because she perceived that the waiter’s muscles in his face caused him to express a facial reaction that she was none too pleased with. The humanity! The horror! He made a facial reaction!

She doesn’t say what kind of reaction he had. It could have been one that said “Oh, shoot, I need to get over there and close that check as soon as I run these desserts.” Or maybe it said “Golly gee, I hope I haven’t made my customer wait too long.” My guess, since the customer admits she was waving her credit card at him, was that the facial expression was one of “This bitch needs to stop with the waving of the fucking credit card before I punch her in the throat” but then the server realized that his inner thoughts were being played out on his face so he quickly corrected it.

When he returned to the table, she asked him if there was anything wrong and he told her, “No, we’re good.” However, he didn’t make eye contact, again making Sally Sensitive feel that she was getting attitude. She and her family left feeling uncomfortable and not willing to pay that much for lunch with “that kind of service” again. Therefore: two stars!

What we have here is a customer trying to find issues when there are none; making a mountain out of a molehill. This server made a facial expression and she perceived it to be all about her. She must have forgotten that the restaurant does not revolve around her and that a server in a busy lunch scene may have dozens of other people to attend to. Just because he has a freakin’ facial expression does not mean it’s all about you. However, to be on the safe side, I would like to advise all servers, from this moment on, to avoid ALL facial expressions. When a customer tells you you a joke, DO NOT SMILE. We cannot take the risk that they may think we are laughing AT them rather than WITH them. Practice your noncommittal face in a mirror if you have to. Glaze your eyes over, relax all facial muscles and make sure that your face looks completely vacant and uninvolved. Basically, pretend you are Kim Kardashian in a Political Science class. I realize that by doing this we are taking the chance that a customer will leave a review that says we didn’t look happy enough to be at work, but we this is what it has come to.

As for the customer who wrote the bad review, I want to write one for her:

my reviewIf you like this blog, you will love my book coming out in April. You can click here to preorder your copy on Amazon!

Woman Gives Horrible Review and Then Gets Totally Busted

Ah, Facebook, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. Each day, it becomes more and more of a cesspool of complaints as people who have a problem with a restaurant vomit out their feelings on various Facebook pages. I look at it as my duty to point out these injustices and leap to the defense of a restaurant falsely cast into a negative light.

What we have here today is a clear case of “he said/she said” and I love it. A bar called Copperstill Bourbon Bar (here is their Facebook page) in Neenah, Wisconsin was recently reviewed on Facebook by a woman named Michelle Doule who claims to work for the state health department. She says that the bar is “sub-par as far as cleanliness” and goes on to claim that she witnessed an employee leave the the restroom without washing his hands and then proceed to make a pizza. It appears that Michelle was not there as a state worker, but just a regular person wanting a drink and she felt a responsibility to address the situation on Facebook rather than go through a formal inspection.

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Now enter the owner of the bar who wants to defend its reputation and respond to the review. (This is where it gets good.) The bar says that the review is a complete fabrication and the only reason Michelle wrote the review was retaliation because she was kicked out the night before for reaching over the bar and pouring herself another glass of bourbon. The bar also says that they are shocked by her behavior; first that she would illegally pour herself another drink and secondly that she would publicly denounce the cleanliness of their establishment which would be a clear violation of a health inspector’s responsibility. They are threatening legal action against Michelle and the health department.

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This, if Michelle actually works for the state health department, because at least one person claims she really works at Kohl’s.


Who’s right and who’s wrong? Who cares, really because this has Internet drama written all over it. I have again decided to leave Michelle’s full name visible since she posted her review on a public page and she obviously believes it is her right and responsibility to share her opinion. I want to help her share her opinion because I am a giver. Copperstill has asked her to remove the egregious review but she has refused to do so. Maybe me writing about her will give her the incentive to do the right thing and take her ass back to Kohl’s to sell some marked down pantsuits.

Good luck, Copperstill. I believe you and I bet that everyone who reads this blog post will too. If she does work for the state health department, then I’m sure her superiors would want to know how she is abusing her power. If she doesn’t work for the state health department, then I bet she will come to her senses as soon as we share the fuck out of this blog post.

And if you like this bitchy blog, I am going to beg of you to click here to preorder my Bitchy Waiter book that comes out in April.


90-Year-Old Waitress Depresses the Hell Out of Me

30DDB68300000578-3431211-image-a-74_1454568732021Well, here’s something to either brighten your mood or dampen your day: an Applebee’s waitress in Westampton, New Jersey just celebrated her 90th birthday. Her name is Katherine Walsh and she has been working five days a week at Applebee’s for 13 years. That’s right, she’s 90 years old and still waits tables. She’s the oldest employee of the Applebee’s organization but still slightly younger than a chicken quesadilla she served to Table 109 last week. When asked what’s the secret for staying young, she says, “I guess it’s just being with people.” Well, that and lots and lots of Brew Pub Pretzels and Beer Cheese Dip, probably.

When she got to work last week, her co-workers and customers surprised her with a birthday party where she blew out some candles and then had to go get started on her sidework because it was her turn to do the dressings. Katharine has no plans on retiring because she loves her job as much as her co-workers say they love her. But let’s be honest. There has to be at least a couple of people who don’t like working with her because she probably always pulls out the AARP card to get out of doing the heavy lifting and the sidework that requires one to bend, but who cares? She probably makes bank, has the best section in the restaurant and is loved by all of her customers.

She’s 90 years old and stills wears an apron to work every day. This fills me with utter dread because it means that I might have 42 more years of waiting tables ahead of me and all I have to look forward to is a grocery store sheet cake and some fucking balloons at work. My God.

Happy birthday, Katherine. You are an inspiration, not just to servers, but to everyone. You go, Miss Katherine! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go take some vitamins because if I’m gonna be waiting tables for another few decades, I need to improve my bone density.

Someone Needs Me To Educate Them About Closing Time

bitchLots of people feel the need to come to my Facebook page and explain how they feel they were mistreated in a restaurant. Maybe they are looking for sympathy and maybe they are looking for an explanation but they may not always get what they are looking for. Last week, a woman named Kathryn (who shall remain last-nameless since some people are fine putting their opinion on a public page but then have a change of heart when more people see it than they expected) dragged her ass over to the Bitchy Waiter page to complain about the overall laziness of servers. Hint: if you want me to take your side, maybe don’t start by calling servers lazy.

“It gets annoying how lazy servers can get. Like when we go out for brunch. Apparently, we were there three minutes after they technically stopped serving it and the server was pretty snobby about it.”

Needing clarification before I formed an opinion, I asked Kathryn for more information. I wanted to know if she meant that she had enjoyed brunch and three minutes after closing time they were rushing her out or did she mean that she asked to be seated three minutes after they had stopped serving. She confirmed that they were seated three minutes after brunch.

Bitch, please.

If anyone is lazy in this situation, it’s you since you couldn’t manage to get your ass to brunch before three or four fucking o’clock. If you know brunch is over at a certain time, why do you think it’s alright for you to be served after that time? And by the way, saying “technically stopped serving” doesn’t make the closing time any different. If brunch is over at 3:00, it’s over at 3:00. There’s nothing “technical” about it. So, yeah, maybe that server was a bit snobby because she had probably already been at work for seven hours and now your ass shows up for some goddamn french toast and mimosas and you’re going to make her stay there an hour longer and probably leave her a crap tip because she didn’t greet you with enthusiasm. Fuck you, Kathryn.

“Little did she know that I was friends with her boss. So I flat out told her “I don’t think so. Why don’t you go ask your manger! K, hun? Our server was rather disappointing that the manager sides with us, but that’s how you run a business in customer service. Not by coddling the help.”

Oh, so because you know the manager that makes you immune to things like manners, courtesy and closing times? You must have felt real proud that you convinced your “friend” the manager to keep brunch running a little while longer. And just so you know, it wasn’t just your server who hated you; it was also the busser, the food runner and the entire kitchen crew. Of course the server was disappointed (I assume that’s what you meant to say, right? Or was she both disappointed and disappointing?) because now she has two people to hate at the end of her shift: you and her spineless manager. I don’t think closing at closing time is “coddling the help.” I think that’s called running a business efficiently. And by referring to employees as “the help” only solidifies my opinion that you are a huge pain in the ass.

Here’s is some advice, Kathryn.

  • If a restaurant is closed or they have stopped serving, deal with it. You probably had six or seven hours you could have gone in to eat, but you waited too late. You’re wrong.
  • Any time a customer says they “know the owner” all that does is instantly make your server think less of you. Don’t depend on your relationship with the owner to make up for your lack of couth.
  • If you say something to your server like “I don’t think so, why don’t you go ask your manager! K, hun,” I’m pretty sure you’re a bitch and you have probably, at one time or another, eaten some boogers and cum.
  • If you want sympathy for your restaurant experience, do not come to a page called Bitchy Waiter and expect to find it. 9 times out of 10 I’m going to be on the side of the server.
  • Never ever refer to us as “the help.” Who do you think you are, Miss Daisy?

If you like this bitchy ass blog, then you will love my bitchy ass book coming out in April. Click here to preorder it on Amazon.

9 Things You Will Only Understand if You Work in a Restaurant


  1. You never, ever go into a restaurant to eat 15 minutes before they close. 1
  2. You don’t just randomly pull tables together without asking a server or hostess first. 2
  3. A walk-in refrigerator can be a very wonderful place.3
  4. If your server fucks up, he was probably just having a bad night and you tip him 20% anyway.4
  5. Sometimes restaurants are out of things and it’s totally no big deal. 5
  6. Just because you work hard doesn’t necessarily mean you will make a lot of money. 6
  7. But, sometimes you an make a lot of money without even trying. 7
  8. If it’s not on the menu you can’t have it. 8
  9. Five wonderful words: dead food in the window. 9If you like this list, then you should go to Amazon and preorder my book. Don’t worry, it’s a cheap. Click here.

One Million Moms Thinks Olive Garden Loves Satan

devilBrace yourselves, because I am about to do something I never thought would happen: I am standing up for Olive Garden! The organization known as One Million Moms (which is actually about 10,000 moms, each with 100 different email addresses) has taken their latest dump into the toilet bowl of dissatisfaction and fished out the brownest piece of poo they want to focus their attention on. They have determined that a new FOX TV show called “Lucifer” is pure filth and anyone who watches it or supports it should go straight to hell in a hand basket. (According to Wikipedia, the series focuses on Lucifer Morningstar, who is bored and unhappy as the Lord of Hell and resigns his throne and abandons his kingdom for the beauty of Los Angeles where he gets his kicks helping the LAPD punish criminals.) And since Olive Garden airs commercials during the TV show, One Million Moms is encouraging people to boycott the restaurant. Nevermind that thousands of women across the country won’t know where else to go for their wedding anniversary, 50th birthday party or date night, this is about keeping our media clean and Christian for the children of the world and if it means you have to give up breadsticks, then so be it.

On their Facebook page (you can go look at it here, it’s hilarious; tell them I said said to eat me because I would love to have a Facebook war with those crazy bitches), they created a call to action asking their members to contact Olive Garden to express their disappointment. If you take a gander at the Olive Garden Facebook page, there’s a lot of butthurt about how horrible it is that such a family-friendly restaurant would support a show about THE DEVIL! It’s ironic really, because I’m pretty sure that when I finally descend to the depths of hell, I will be greeted by an Olive Garden hostess standing at a podium who will inform me that it will be somewhere between 20-30 minutes before they can cast me into the river of fire. And then when I meet Satan himself, you know he’s going to be wearing a “I ♥ Darden” t-shirt.

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Anyhoo, does One Million Moms have nothing better to do than to boycott Olive Garden? If they are so upset with the show, why not boycott the actual TV show itself by not watching it? Or, better yet, why not boycott Fox? Their decision to never eat another order of Sausage Stuffed Giant Rigatoni at Olive Garden may be backfiring on One Million Moms because I’ll bet that every server at Olive Garden is thanking the sweet baby Jesus that those women aren’t in their sections anymore.

To Olive Garden I say this: you do you. If you want to show your commercials during a TV show about a hot sexy Lucifer you go right ahead. For all I care, Lucifer can be having sex with a breadstick in a Bonnie Franklin wig and sleeping on a bed of fettuccine. They are your advertising dollars to spend as you see fit.

To One Million Moms I say this: bitches, please. You have every right to crave a landscape of innocence on your TV screen, but if you see something you don’t like, just don’t fucking watch it. Cover your puritan eyes with a veil of lace and change the channel to Lifetime and watch a movie about a husband cheating on his wife because she’s a crazy right-wing conservative who has pushed him away too many times. (Too close to home?)

To myself I say this: I can’t believe you are defending the rights of Olive Garden. I am very disappointed in you.

Finally, if you like this blog I hope you will swing over to Amazon and preorder my book that comes out in April. CLICK HERE.