It’s Official: Customers Are Idiots!

As has long been suspected by restaurant workers for decades, scientists in Roanoke, Virginia have confirmed that some customers who go into restaurants can experience a severe drop in IQ levels, some people losing up to 50 points. The average American has an IQ somewhere between 90 and 110 points. However, when certain people cross the threshold of a restaurant, they can suddenly become incredibly less intelligent. Dr. Baxter Fälschung, lead scientist of Roanoke’s Center for Urban Neurological Testing, along with his team, released the study results this week.

“It’s incredibly surprising that we see such a drastic yet temporary dip in intelligence,” he says. “Even someone who is highly functioning in their everyday world can step into a restaurant and end up coming across as one of the Three Stooges. I can only imagine how difficult this is for servers.” Although Fälschung can not confirm why this happens, he states “it is 100% categorically true. The momentary lapse of intelligence can cause customers to forget how to read a menu or even lose their eye and hand coordination causing them to struggle with forks and knives. This particular effect can result in huge messes and many glasses being knocked over. In some scenarios, a customer can become so severely stupid that it’s practically fucking impossible to even understand it.”

Beatrice Eyecanteven, a waitress for 40 years at a Doug’s Donuts Diner across the street from the Center for Urban Neurological Testing (CUNT), is not surprised with the finding. “I’ve been saying that for for thirty years. People come into the diner and suddenly they can’t tell the difference between their thumb and their asshole. I hope they didn’t spend too much money on that testing because I coulda told them that for free. Now either order another entree or get the hell out of my section.”

Beatrice Eyecanteven, waitress at Doug’s Donuts Diner.

Fälschung’s study also confirms that different restaurants create different drops in intelligence levels. “We have found that customers visiting a Waffle House see the biggest IQ drop with Cracker Barrel customers not far behind.” His team hopes to study more restaurants to see if there are any places that increase the IQ level of a customer when they enter it, but he is doubtful. “Science can only explain so much, but it seems as if when customers go into a restaurant, they just get dumb. I feel really sorry for the waiters and waitresses.”

To read the whole study and the rest of this story, please click here.

Woman Doesn’t Like 5 Things About Restaurants. I Disagree With 4 of Them.

Oh what a joy it is for me to find an article written about us servers and what horrible monsters we are as we try to do our job. Case in point is an article by Laurie Notaro for the Phoenix New Times. The article is called “5 Things Restaurants Need to Stop Doing Right Now,” but every point she makes isn’t exactly about the restaurant itself. “Train your staff, restaurants. That’s all I’m saying,” she says. Somebody hold my cocktail, because I’m about to go off.

She begins by complaining about a time she was in a restaurant and her friend said, “I have-” just as the server poured more ice tea and blocked her face. After the server was finished being the rude ass person he was being by filling iced tea, the friend was able to finish her sentence with the word “cancer.” While I am very sorry about the cancer diagnosis, contrary to popular belief, we servers are not hovering at your table listening to your conversations waiting for the precise moment to ruin an announcement. If we are nearby and see your glass is empty, we’re gonna fill it. Sorry for doing our freaking job.

Her list then begins:

Don’t reservation shame me. “Stop pretending that if I come in without a reservation that I have broken a holy sacrament.” Look, lady, if you don’t have a reservation it’s fine. Well, depending on the restaurant. If you’re dining at Chili’s they can probably squeeze you in, but if you’re trying to get a table at Barbuto’s here in New York City as a walk-in, it’s gonna be an issue. And although you see that 75% of the restaurant is empty, you don’t know what’s on the books for the next two hours. So if the hostess makes you wait for “20 minutes” and then another “18 minutes” to find you a table, maybe you should just be grateful that they let you even sit down at all. And by the way, we all know that customers love to exaggerate to try to prove their point so there’s no way a hostess made you wait 38 minutes. Bitch, please.

Don’t judge a salt lover. Okay, I’m gonna let her have this one. She does not want to be judged if she is in a restaurant that does not have salt on the tables and she wants some. I’m with you, Laurie. Salt away. It’s good. And I dunno if you’re for real when you say you have 50 packets of salt in your purse that you took from Arby’s but I fully embrace your thieving, salting ways.

Quit interrupting. “I want the waitstaff to stop interrupting me right before I get to the punchline of my story. For that matter, do not interrupt my conversation at any point.” Oh, I’m sorry Laurie, are we not allowed to speak to you? Again, we aren’t listening to the banal conversations that are happening at each of our tables. Sometimes at work, we barely have time to listen to the voice inside our head that’s telling us to run out of the restaurant and never come back. Do you honestly think we are paying attention to the incessant drivel that is spewing from the mouths of our customers? And don’t think I haven’t waited for a more opportune time to inject myself into the conversation, but after standing there for 30 or 45 seconds, I need to interrupt, because if I don’t, I’ll never know if you’re going to eat that last fucking piece of romaine lettuce that’s been sitting on your plate for 15 minutes and if I don’t know if you’re done eating or not, I can’t tell the kitchen to fire your entrees. So, sorry I interrupted your stupid joke, but I have a job to do. If you need to eat without interruption, warm up a Lean Cuisine and eat it at home.

Don’t be so pretentious. Well if you go to a pretentious restaurant, you’re gonna get pretension. In fact, your whole article seems pretentious. Are you the only one who is allowed to be pretentious? Do you need to be the most pretentious person in the room? Congratulations on such a lofty goal.

Don’t ever ask me how something tastes. Umm, okay. So you want me to drop the food and never ask you how it is. Or is it that you don’t like the way servers ask? “Did you enjoy the profile of your dish?” sounds pretentious which makes me question where the fuck you are dining. I don’t know a server who would ask a question that way or this way: “How are your flavors tasting this morning?” Who the hell talks that way? It sounds to me that you are choosing restaurants that are going to give you everything you claim to hate. Don’t go to those places anymore.

So, Laurie, if you are ever in my restaurant I know how to treat you: I make sure you get a table right away even if we are fully booked and you don’t have a reservation. Put a salt lick on the table. Don’t talk to you. Speak like a commoner. Assume the food is fine. I suppose your article was meant to be tongue in cheek, but from a server’s point of view, it’s rather insulting.

Here is the article in full if you want to go read it for yourself and maybe leave a comment or two. It’s fun! But don’t be pretentious about it or anything. And check out my book here!

Cat Deeley Rips Restaurant Apart on Twitter and Stiffs Her Server

Uh oh, a Hollywood celebrity had a less than perfect time at a restaurant and chose to vomit out a series of Tweets about how awful the whole experience was for her. Cat Deeley, the host of FOX’s So You Think You Can Dance, went to brunch on Sunday at LA’s Tom George Restaurant and it did not go well. She did not hold back on the Tweets, sharing her feelings with her 357K followers, proving that the person we see on TV is not necessarily the same person in real life. By the way, these are all screenshots because she might come to her senses and eventually delete all this nonsense.

Damn, Cat Deeley. On TV you seem so nice and likable, but on Twitter you come across like a vengeful, bitch on wheels with a major hair up your ass. At this point in her Twitter timeline, we don’t have any details as to what went wrong. I mean, what can be that bad to make someone with that much social media influence drag a restaurant through the mud, right? But then another Tweet pops up, this one from her server:

But that’s not all. He posted a photo of the receipt and we see that all of her food was comped ($123) and all she had to pay for was the drinks, which totaled $83.74.

Sounds fair, right? I mean, if she hated everything and it sucked, they didn’t make her pay for it. But here’s the kicker: she didn’t leave a tip! Nothing. Zero. Nada. Zilch. My first thought is that maybe it was the server who fucked up so bad and he didn’t deserve a tip. That is possible, but Cat Deeley squashes that claim in her next Tweet:

And then:

Hold up. So she freely admits that none of this had anything to do with the server but she couldn’t reach into her gold-lined pocket book and toss him at least a twenty-dollar bill? That’s wrong, Cat Deeley. Wrong!

She Tweets one more thing out to clarify:

Now it sounds like she’s trying to backtrack a little bit to imply that the service sucked as bad as the food so she can justify stiffing the server. But it’s too late, Kat Deeley! You already told him that it wasn’t his fault so why didn’t you tip him? Your check was over $200 but they comped the food for you since it was so “disgusting,” but you still sucked down $83 worth of Bloody Marys, wine, beer, lemonade and an Arnold Palmer. (Side note: ordering an Arnold Palmer was probably the server’s first clue that you were going to be a royal pain in the ass.) You owe that server some money! Especially since his ass might be fired for making this all so public.

We don’t really know what all went down in that restaurant during Sunday brunch, but for someone to have to send their food back a total of five times means one of two things: either the restaurant is completely incompetent or the customer has expectations that are impossible to meet. Maybe it’s a combination of both, but I think we can all agree that if she willingly states that none of this was the fault of the server that she should have left him a tip.

Cat Deeley has the reputation of being super friendly and nice so I will not be surprised if she releases a statement any minute now about the “horrible misunderstanding” and how she meant to leave the server a tip. However, for her to put this restaurant on blast to her 357K followers, seems a tad unfair to the restaurant. Here is Cat Deeley’s Twitter account if you want to tell her how you feel about her stiffing a server who did nothing wrong.

C’mon Cat. What would Mary Murphy say? (She’d ask you to click here to buy my book…)

Waiter Refuses Service to 4 Latina Women and Asks for “Proof of Residency”

From left, Ana Carrillo, Elvia Zarate-Carrillo, Guillermina Carrillo, Diana Carrillo and Brenda Carrillo (Courtesy of Brenda Carrillo)

Once upon a time there was a waiter who worked at a very nice restaurant called Saint Marc in Huntington Beach, California. One day he did something really stupid at work and his idiocy “went viral.” And then he got fired.

The end.

A woman named Diana Carrillo went out for a meal with her sister and some friends. The women happen to be Latina which should make absolutely no difference in the world, but it did. Before they were served, the waiter unscrewed the top of his head, and with a grapefruit spoon, he dipped into his brain to see what he could find. Rather than saying “how are you ladies today?” or ‘thank you for dining with us,” he thought it would be a good idea to ask for proof of residency and say this instead:

“Yeah, I need to make sure you’re from here before I serve you.”

Understandably, the women were taken aback and eventually went to speak with a manager who apologized and moved them to another section, but it was too late. The women decided to take their business elsewhere. Later that night, Diana wrote about it on Facebook and that’s when the story started to spread faster than the bacteria on the top of a ketchup lid.

 

Trying to keep things under control, a few days later the restaurant manager invited Diana and her friends back for a VIP experience and also offered to donate 10% of the weekend’s proceeds to a charity of their choice. The women were all, “Nope, we ain’t eatin’ there, but you can donate that money to Orange County Immigrant Youth United. Bye.” The waiter was fired.

What was this server thinking? We all know that a restaurant has the right to refuse service, but hey, servers, that’s not our call. Now, we don’t know if this server was trying to be funny or if it was some kind of reference to our country’s current political climate regarding immigrants. Whatever the case may be, it was wrong. Most often on this blog, I am standing up for the server, championing those of us who wear aprons for a living. But not in this case. We as servers have an expectation to treat our customers with respect and we hope to receive respect in return. For this server to assume it’s alright to question where someone is from is not respectful. These women grew up in California, but that doesn’t matter. They can be from anywhere in the world and they should be able to sit in a restaurant and order food. And even if they didn’t have proof of residency, what would that proove? Maybe they’re on vacation or maybe they are from another town or maybe it’s none of your fucking business.

I am never happy to hear of a server losing his job, but I think the restaurant made the right call here. This server let his own personal feelings stand in the way of giving good service to four women who just wanted to have a nice meal. I almost didn’t blog about about this, but so many people sent the story to me that it felt necessary. The reason I hesitated to write about it is because any time the subject of race comes up, I am dismayed at how many trolls crawl out from under their bridges to spout out their ignorance. I’m ready for it. It sucks that this guy lost his job, but what’s way worse is that it’s 2017 and a group of Hispanic women can’t live their lives without some asshole questioning them and their right to be somewhere.

One Small Gesture From a Customer Made Their Server’s Day

Writing a blog such as this, it can be easy to forget that not every customer was put on this earth specifically to climb up on my last nerve, plant a flag on it and claim it as their own. Plenty of people tell me I “bitch too much” and to them I say, “Well, look at the blog title.” However, today I want to share something that was sent to me that reminds us that waiting tables is full of surprises. The above screenshot comes from Kelly Ann. Thankfully, some customers are simply wonderful people. Might this be the nicest thing you have ever heard of a customer doing?

I just wanted to say that there are some good people in this world. I was working late, closing the bar, and a table ordered a skillet cookie that we have on special. When i dropped it off i commented on how jealous I was because the staff cannot order specials for themselves. When they asked for the bill they asked for a second cookie to go. I dropped it off and they handed it back to me. They bought me a cookie and told me to enjoy it and i instantly started crying. Above that, they tipped 20%. After the shittiest work week in the world, this one table made it worlds better. Thank you, table 85!

Happy Friday!

If Customers Would Just Say What They Mean

Customers very often do not say what they really mean. It’s as if they think we are clairvoyants with aprons who can delve deep into the their subconscious and read their minds as if it was a Kindle. It takes years of experience to be able to decipher what some customers are saying, but once you become versed in their hidden language, life at the restaurant is so much easier. Allow me to be your Rosetta Stone of customer communication and tell you what they actually mean when they say something.
What they say: We come here all the time.
What they mean: Since we come here two or three times a year, we think we are special and should be treated better than anyone else.

What they say: I like my steak cooked somewhere between medium rare and medium well, but with just a little pink inside but not too dry.
What they mean: I don’t know what the fuck I am talking about and as long as there is plenty of ketchup, I will eat the steak however it comes.

What they say: Can you make my margarita a little stronger?
What they mean: I’m too cheap to pay for an extra shot of tequila.

What they say: I don’t mean to complain, but…
What they mean: I am totally about to complain…

What they say: No, it’s fine, I’ll eat it this way.
What they mean: I’m not going to leave you a tip and I’m going to write a note on my credit card receipt saying that the food sucked.

What they say: It’s my birthday today.
What they mean: Can you make everyone who works here drop what they are doing and gather around me to sing an off-key version of “Happy Birthday?” But only if you’re going to bring free dessert for me and everyone at my table.

What they say: We know the owner.
What they mean: We met the owner once but we don’t remember her name but we’ll get a free round of drinks now, right?

What they say: I’m gluten-free, what can I eat?
What they mean: I read something in O Magazine about gluten once and I want to be cool and trendy, so I’ll have you leave the bun off my burger but I’ll still drink a beer and then have a piece of cake for dessert.

What they say: We are in a really, really big hurry.
What they mean: We are really, really hungry.

What they say: Do you have a restroom?
What they mean: Where is the restroom?

What they say: What do you recommend?
What they mean: Can you tell me your three or four favorite things off the menu so I can completely ignore you while you talk and then I will order the thing that I wanted as soon as I sat down?

What they say: You are the best server I have ever had. Really, you are truly amazing and I am am going to ask for you every time I come here.
What they mean: I complimented you so now I don’t have to tip you.

This list could go on forever because customers are are really good at double speak. Thankfully, I’m really good at sifting through bullshit. You’re welcome. Also, click here to buy my book because if enough people buy it, I can get rid of my Thursday night shift.