What Guys on Blind Dates in Restaurants Should Know

tumblr_lf64dmX4y51qbbiweo1_500Dear Guy on a Blind Date in My Restaurant,

Be on your best behavior. I see what is going on and I can tell what your date really thinks about you. What you probably don’t know is that the girl chose this restaurant because she’s a regular and feels safe here. She met you online and you are coming out to her neighborhood in Queens for dinner and you said, “You tell me where you want to meet.” She chose my restaurant because she knows that it’s close to her house and she is surrounded by people who know her in case you turn out to be the blind date from hell. She’s not the only one who is judging you. I am too.

Over the years, I have watched her bring in dozens of guys and every time it’s the same thing: she gets here a little bit early and has a glass of wine at the bar as she waits for you to arrive. When you get here, you both go to Booth 8 or 9 and so the date begins. She watches to see how you treat me as I take your order because she knows that how you treat a server is indicative of how you treat people in general. If you’re cordial and respectful to me, then you are on your way to date number 2. If you’re dismissive of me, you’re done for.

This most recent date went nowhere fast. I know her type and the minute you walked in, it was clear that she either was trying to go in a different direction or you misrepresented yourself online. You ordered a seltzer so then she ordered a ginger ale when she really wanted another glass of Pinot Grigio. That was strike one. But then, you were super polite to me, so maybe you’re on your way to a good date. But then you decided to split a side salad with her and share a roasted chicken. Strike two. If you’re going to share food, at least get something that can be divided easily. Watching the two of you tear off little pieces of chicken with your hands was rather disturbing and not first date material.

Also, guy, you should know that every time you go to the restroom, it gives your date a chance to text someone about you. It happened twice on this date. As soon as you sat down, you went to wash your hands. This was her cue to pick up her phone and text her best friend with something like, “OMG. He totally doesn’t look like his profile pic. He’s wearing Dockers. Fuuuuck.” The second time you went to the restroom, it was after you paid the check. This gave her the opportunity to text and do something else. As soon as the door to the restroom clicked shut, she reached over and looked to see what you left me as a tip. It was $12 on $34. Good move, dude. You also turned the receipt over so as not to let her see what you tipped which was another smooth move. That way you know that if she wants to see, she will have to be pro-active about it and it makes you look super modest. She looked and I saw her in her face that she was reevaluating the last forty-five minutes with you. She also texted again which probably said something like, “I dunno, he’s alright. I might fuck him.”

Just remember Guy on Blind Date in My Restaurant, that it’s not just your date you’re trying to impress. She will be looking for clues and if you treat me right, it might be enough for her to forget that you wore Dockers, ordered a seltzer and then shared a chicken breast with her. Leaving me a 35% tip is the best way for you to get a 75% chance of giving her 100% of your tip.

Mustard and mayo,
The Bitchy Waiter

If You Work in a Restaurant, You Will Relate to this Video

Screen Shot 2015-10-02 at 8.19.06 AMIf you live here in New York City, I have a plan for you. On October 9th, a brand new play called “Last Call” is opening and I will be there one night doing a reading from my book. First things first: the play is about a bartender and it takes place in her bar as she is trying to do her job and deal with some personal shit at the same time. Basically, it’s our life story. Check out the video below.

It’s written and performed by bartender Terri Girvin and I think it’s going to be fantastic. She asked me if I would be willing to come to the show to sorta be the pre-show entertainment and since I am a desperate attention whore, I jumped at the chance when she told me I would get to stand on a stage with lights focused on me.

I will be there on October 11th at 7:00 and I want you to come see me (and the show…) so that you can feed my ego by applauding for me. (Oh yeah, and support the show.) So come see a great show, support another restaurant worker who is pursuing her dream and, most importantly, come meet me, bitches.

You can click this link for more info on the show.

And click this link to buy a ticket.

Written and Performed by Terri Girvin

Directed by Michael Leeds

At IRT Theater 
154 Christopher St. 
October 9 – November 1
Thursday’s – Monday’s @ 7PM October 9th – November 1st! 
Special performances Wednesday 28th @ 7PM Friday 30th at 10PM plus Matinees on Saturday 17th & 24th @ 2PM.

Public Schools Teaching Children to Stiff Their Servers

12047272_10206828748931274_1518515902_nI have not had time to write for the blog lately, because my book is coming out in six short months and there is a lot of work to be done. My editor is probably tearing her hair out every time she looks at my manuscript and screaming, “Who the fuck told this asshole he could write a book??” Anyhoo, you can click here if you want to pre-order it. (Pretty please with tequila on top.)

Today, however, I am writing because something needs my attention. Our public schools are a mess and I have photographic proof! The above photo is actual math homework from a child in Minnesota. If we look closely at question #3, we can see that Rita went to a diner for breakfast and she ordered the breakfast special for $2.91. When Rita got to the restaurant, she had $3.25. The teacher wants to know how much money Rita had after she paid the check.

There are so many things wrong with this word problem.

  1. Where the fuck does Rita live and what year does she live in where she can get a breakfast special for $2.91? I think a glass of fresh squeezed orange juice starts at $4.50 these days, so Rita is living in some kind of weird ass time warp where food is affordable. You can’t even go to fucking IHOP and get something that cheap. The teacher needs to create a realistic situation for these children or they are going to be severely disappointed when they go out to eat somewhere and only have three bucks on them and can’t even afford a soda.
  2. Does Rita not account for taxes? Are we to assume that the $2.91 includes taxes? If not, and the tax is 8.25%, her bill will be $3.21 which is just barely enough to cover the check.
  3. The most important problem to recognize in this question is about Rita,. Namely, that she is a cheap bitch. Hello? She’s only going to have 34 cents left after she pays her check which allows her to leave like a 12% tip. If the tax isn’t included, she’ll only have 4 cents left which is less than a 2% tip and completely unacceptable. No, Rita. Just, no.

I hope the child did not tell the teacher that Rita would have 34 cents left. The only correct answer to this obviously trick question is this:

Rita left the restaurant with $3.25 because once she looked at the menu, she realized she didn’t have enough money to leave a tip for the hard-working waitress. Rita knows that if you can’t afford to to tip, you can’t afford to eat out. Therefore, Rita apologized to the waitress for wasting her time and Rita walked out with her $3.25. She then went to the fucking McDonald’s across the street and ordered off the Dollar Menu. She got a Sausage McMuffin a hash brown and a McCafé Coffee. The total was $3.00. With the 8.25% tax, the total was $3.24. Rita paid with her $3.25 and got one penny back as change which she left in that little box for Ronald McDonald charities or whatever the fuck it’s for.

If these are the math problems that teachers are giving to their students these days, our public schools are in worse shape than I ever imagined. They are teaching children that it’s alright to leave shitty tips to their servers, or even worse, no tip at all! When we elect a new president in 2016, I hope the candidates will take this blog post into account so they can address this issue and get some sensible math problems into our classrooms. Math problems that are realistic and, most importantly, ones that will encourage children to leave a tip. Only then, can we count on our future generation to become decent human beings.

Servers Fill Out Comment Cards About Customers

commentI have a dream. It may never come true but I still wish it would be. I dream of a time when we servers will have advanced knowledge of our customers just like they do of us. These days, before anyone goes out to eat at a restaurant they will do some research first. Be it Yelp, Facebook or Google, that customer is going to go online to read reviews so they know what to expect. But how wonderful would it be if we had some system that we could share information about customers so we would know what we are in store for?

I dream of a comment card that we are able to fill out after serving every table and then that comment card would go into some database that all servers would have access to. Then, when a customer comes into to your section, you can look them up and see what they are like. Based on what you learn about them, you give them the appropriate service.

“Hmmm, it says here that Mr. John Doe ate out last week in Scottsdale, Arizona and was an asshole to his waiter and also left a shitty tip. Okay, bare bones service for this dick.”

Yes, it’s only a dream, but it’s a damn good one. Someone make my dream come true.

Domino’s Disappoints Celebrity Who Is Then Forced to Eat Cereal


Being a celebrity is hard, y’all. And being a new mom is hard too. When you put those two things together, life is near impossible. Case in point is country singer/reality star Jessie James Decker who squeezed a baby out of her womb a few weeks ago. (I’ve never heard of her, but I guess she’s famous…) According to her Facebook page, yesterday she was nursing Baby Photo Op and it made her real hungry. Like for real, for real. So she did what every new mother does who wants to fill her body with nutrition which will be passed on to her newborn and she ordered a Domino’s pizza. Well that pizza took too damn long (over an hour late, she claims) so she made Domino’s come back and get the pizza when they refused to comp it or discount it. That’s right, rather than just pay the $27.99, she had some driver come back and take the pizza away from her mansion so she could get her money back. (Please remember that she is married to a pro football player for the New York Jets, so I’m pretty sure she could afford the $27.99. He’s rich as fuck.) But the worst thing about all of this is that she had to eat cereal instead! Apparently, rich people have pantries just like I do: half-eaten bags of stale chips, expired canned food and boxes of cereal.

Judging by the time stamp of her Facebook post, it was about 9:45 PM on Sunday night when she announced her pity party of having to eat cereal for dinner. Maybe at that time everyone was watching the Emmy Awards and Domino’s was slammed with orders and couldn’t uphold their 30 minute guarantee. I looked at their website and it says that “Domino’s Pizza reserves the right to withdrawal the service guarantee without prior intimation.” In other words, they can take back that guarantee whenever the fuck they want to. It also says that “30 minutes or free is not applicable when restaurant operating conditions are not suitable, this will be announced at the time of taking the order.” So this begs the question: did they tell her that they could guarantee it in thirty minutes or not? We may never know.

What we do know is that a rich celebrity type wanted to eat a pizza and then when it didn’t get to her fast enough, she demanded it be returned and was forced to eat cereal instead. She got her $27.99 back! She then posted this horrible news onto her Facebook page in order to gain sympathy and that was my cue to jump in and stand up for the food service industry.

Domino’s, don’t you worry. Jessie James Decker may never order a pizza from you again, but you’ll be fine. Most of us in the food service industry will understand if things take a bit longer than normal and we forgive you. The next time she wants a pizza, maybe she will ask her housekeeper, chef, nanny, pool boy, chauffeur, gardener, assistant or someone else on her payroll to make her one. In the meantime, she will have to subsist on a diet of Lucky Charms, Honey Nut Cheerios and Trix. I guess my real problem with this is that she didn’t just refuse the pizza, but she made them come back to retrieve it. That’s just rude.

It’s hard being a celebrity. Really hard. Like for real, for real.

Nursing makes me so hungry so I ordered Domino’s Pizza and my pizza was an hour late and they wouldn’t even comp it or…

Posted by Jessie James Decker on Sunday, September 20, 2015

How I Feel About Making Hot Chocolate

waitress-dinerThe first day of autumn is still several days away, and already people are asking for hot chocolate. Stop it. It seems like only yesterday that I was constantly running out of iced coffee, but suddenly the temperature drops about one fucking degree and everybody is acting like they need three scarves, a sweater and a fireplace. Chill out with the hot drinks, people. Besides, the hot chocolate isn’t even good. You know it’s just some nasty ass powder from an envelope that gets poured into some hot water, right? The only time there is milk in it is when I make it for myself and I use the cappuccino machine to steam some delicious frothiness into it. If it’s for a customer, it’s all water. When I make it for myself, I add some chocolate syrup and then I go to the dessert station for some whipped cream. When I make it for customers, there is no such thing as whipped cream for you. We will be out of it, trust me. You will get chocolate powder dumped into a mug with some water and if you’re lucky, I will stir it for you. Hopefully, you will think it’s disgusting and never order such foolishness again.

Why don’t you wait until it’s actually cold outside before you start asking for hot chocolate, alright? It’s too early in the season for me to be making your damn hot chocolates. I don’t have time to deal with that shit just so I can add $2 to the check. If you leave me 20% of that $2, it’s forty cents and I’d rather go without forty cents than go through the trouble of making another fucking hot chocolate.

Okay, I just had to get that off my chest.