And THIS is Why We Don’t Take Reservations

christopher-walken-photo-platon-antoniouDear Party of Nine Who Did Not Show Up:

There is a reason we do not take reservations at my restaurant. You are it. You see, we are a really small restaurant with only about 16 tables. Remember last week when you called and said you wanted a reservation but we said that we don’t take them but you begged us and so we did? We should not have done that.

You called on Wednesday night and said there were going to be about eight or nine of you coming to dinner the following night and could we please please please reserve a table because you are you are so totally coming to celebrate your birthday and you don’t want to have to wait when you get there. Against our better judgement, we did it. Thursday rolls around and I am at work. You told us you would be there at 7:30 and that you would call at 6:45 to confirm. You did not call. At the busiest time of the night, I stopped seating five two-tops. Four would have been better, but since you said you might have nine people, I had to save a whole extra table. Do you know how many people I was unable to sit because of your reservation? A lot. “But it will all be worth it,”  I thought. “When the nine-top gets here and everyone has apps and cocktails and desserts and then I get to add a 20% gratuity to the check, it will all be worth it.!” I was giddy with anticipation.

7:00: You did not call to confirm yet, but you must be busy getting ready for your big dinner out.

7:15: “No, I’m sorry, ma’am, that table is reserved, you’ll have to sit at the crappy table next to the bathroom. No, we don’t usually take reservations, but we made an exception tonight.”

7:16: Every table is full now except for the five two-tops I pushed together. I hope no one else comes in right now.

7:17:  “Hello, sir. No, I’m sorry, I don’t have any place to seat you right now, sir. That is reserved. Oh, so you’ll go next door to eat? Okay… good bye. I’m sorry.”

7:19: “Hi there. Table for three? There will be about a 15 minute wait. Yes, all those tables are reserved. Oh, you’ll come back later? Okay, thank you.” They did not come back.

7:25: Almost here!

7:32: Running a bit late, I suppose. No big deal.

7:40: Ummm, where are you?

7:50: Okay, I’m getting pissed off.

8:00: You suck. Where the fuck are you?

8:01: I am breaking the tables apart and seating them meaning that now I am going to get slammed by having five empty tables all become available at the same time. I hate you. Why did you make me keep those tables open for you if you knew you were not coming? Did you lose your cell phone up your own asshole which made it impossible for you to call and let us know you were not going to make it? We went out of our way to give you a reservation and this is what happens? Never again will we “make an exception” because too many times it is not worth it to do so. Our place is small enough that we don’t need to take reservations. We can fill up just by walk-ins. I hope that the birthday celebration sucked. I hope that when they brought out the cake with candles on it, you bent over to blow them out and your eyebrows were singed off. I hope the cake was as dry as Phylis Dillers’s vag. I hope every gift you got was the wrong size and wrong color and that you got no gift receipts. I hope that it was the shittiest birthday you have ever had because you ruined a good portion of my shift. My station sat empty for over an hour and I made no money. I hate you.

So the next time you want to make a reservation at my restaurant and you say “Pretty please with sugar on top can we make a reservation?” my answer will be a resounding NO. No. No. No. We do not take reservations.


Love,
The Bitchy Waiter

p.s. You’re lucky that the person who took your reservation did not take your phone number or there would now be a flyer hanging at Queens College that says you are selling an iPad for $150 and to only call after 11:00 PM.

An Open Letter to the Meanest Person I Have Ever Had the Displeasure of Meeting

giving-the-fingerDear Renee Glicker,

I’m sure you don’t remember me, but unfortunately I remember you. Many years ago, when I was still auditioning and believing that one could make it on talent and talent alone, I was thrilled to get a response from your talent agency that you wanted me to come in for a meeting. After all, what struggling actor in New York City wouldn’t want to be represented by About Artists Agency? “This is my chance,” I thought. “This will be the door that will lead me to the right audition so I can finally be a working actor.”

I arrived at your office about five minutes earlier than my appointment was scheduled. As I sat in the waiting room, nervous about what I would say, I could hear you talking on the phone. As my appointment time came and went, I sat and waited patiently for my chance to meet you, a respected talent agent who could change my career path. Minutes ticked by and I waited. And waited. Finally, about fifteen or twenty minutes past my scheduled time, you yelled at me to come into your office.

There you were, holding my headshot and looking at my resume. You stared at my photo without ever looking up at the real me who was sitting across from your desk. Without looking away from my picture, you said, “Have you ever thought about getting your teeth done?”

I was shocked that this was the first thing you had to say to me and especially surprised that you still had not looked at my actual face.

“Well, I’d like to, but it’s so expensive. Maybe someday…” My voice trailed off with hurt.

My teeth have been my least favorite thing about myself my whole adult life. When I was a pre-teen, my dentist suggested to my parents that I get braces, but they couldn’t afford it. Thinking back now, I am embarrassed at how upset I was with them for not doing it. Like they could just go out to the Money Tree that grew in the backyard and pick off a few thousand dollars so it could happen. Renee Glicker, you had just opened a wound and then you got some salt, because you were not finished.

“Don’t get me wrong,” you said. “You’ll never be a Cary Grant but even the wacky next door neighbor still needs to be put together.” As you said those hurtful words, you motioned your hand around your face as if to indicate that my face was not put together enough to be an actor. It was then that you finally looked at me. I doubt that you saw the hurt in my eyes because anyone who is that careless with the emotions of others only sees what they want to see.

I tried to keep smiling even though now, every time I did it, all I could think of was how crooked my teeth were. I offered to do my monologue for you and then I gave you a video tape of me doing standup comedy. You took the VHS tape and tossed it onto a pile of crap that looked like it was one step away from the garbage can and told me you didn’t need to see my monologue. Our meeting ended, I shook your hand and left your office.

When I got onto the street, safely away from your prying eyes, I began to cry. There in midtown Manhattan, I stood on the sidewalk and bawled like a baby. I sobbed, not because I didn’t get an agent, but because my feelings were hurt. How could a grown woman with that much power in her hands be so reckless with her words?

Fast forward, about 15 years: I finally got braces. I didn’t get them because Renee Glicker of About Artists Agency told me I should. I did it because I wanted them and because I could afford them and because I knew they would make me happy. So, Renee Glicker, I want you to know that the next time someone comes into your office who is full of hope, ambition, excitement and drive, you should choose your words more carefully. The words you so easily toss about and then forget the second they leave your lips, can stick with a person for years to come. Yes, I finally “got my teeth done.”

Fuck you, Renee Glicker.

Sincerely,
Darron Cardosa

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Luckiest Waiter Alive Got to Keep the Change

breaking-newsEarlier this week, Boris Klimpton got the tip of a life time. The 59-year-old career server who works at Parker’s Pub in Flushing Queens, had a life-changing moment when a customer told him he could “keep the change.” The customer, a man by the name of Victor Rhines, 72, who was dining with his wife 71-year-old Marla, had a bill that totaled $35.48. When the time came for him to pay his check, he handed Klimpton a twenty-dollar bill, three five-dollar bills and a handful of coins. It was then he told the waiter he could “keep the change.”

“At first, I thought he was kidding,” says Klimpton. “I mean, how was I to be so lucky to get to keep all of the change? This must be my lucky day.” It wasn’t until minutes later that the fortunate waiter realized that one of the coins was not United States currency. “I think it’s from Europe someplace. I’m not really sure. It’s still exciting because I have never been out of the country.”

Co-workers at the restaurant were green with envy at the unexpected windfall for Kilmpton. Says Betty, a waitress at the pub for over twenty years, “Jeez Louise, how come I never get to keep the change? But you know what? Boris deserves it. He works hard and I hope he gets to do something special with all that money.”

When pressed as to what he would do with the extra cash, Klimpton replied that he has had his eye on a new Chapstick and this might finally let him go buy it. “I hope at the deli they thinks it’s a silver dollar or something. I’ll probably go buy my new Chapstick when One Eyed Ernie is working the register. His eyesight ain’t so good so he probably won’t notice.”

When the generous benefactor was questioned as to why he let his waiter keep all the change, Mr. Rhines simply grunted and kept walking to his car. His wife also grunted but it is not clear if it was a response to the question or if the grunt was a direct result from the pastrami on rye she had eaten moments before. When they were last scene, they were driving down north on Queens Blvd with their left turn-signal flashing and a seatbelt hanging out of the closed door.

As for Boris Klimpton, he will continue working despite the extra income. “I love my job and even if I win the lottery I would come here every day. Just because I got to keep the change doesn’t mean I would leave my family here at Parker’s Pub.”

Radio Host Pulls Off Most Hilarious Joke of All Time (Not)

screen-shot-2016-09-28-at-11-40-05-amYesterday, superstar-celebrity, awesome, definitely not an asshole, radio host Dave Ryan of KDWB was seen in a video where he appeared to be mistreating a waitress at a restaurant. Understandably, people were outraged at his behavior. Of course, I wrote a blog post about it because I am always ready to jump to the defense of the food servers in our world. There was some question to the validity of the video since it was shared on his own Facebook page and his radio station was pushing it to the world. Even in my blog post about it, I considered that it may be a ploy for publicity:

“The whole video (could be) a set up meant to go viral.”
“If it’s fake, then I just helped him get more attention…”

Well, this morning on his radio show, the hilarious and endlessly entertaining Dave Ryan, released the rest of the video and surprise, surprise: it was a joke! Excuse me for a second while I go roll on the floor and laugh my ass off… I guess he really got us, y’all. He managed to pull off the joke of the century! (Please keep in mind that the century still has 84 years to go.) I don’t feel the need to apologize to the walking joke machine known as Dave Ryan since I never said anything bad about him. Well, I did say that if the video was real, he comes across as a big scabby douchebag, but it’s not real, so whatever. Good one, Dave, you silly goose!

Here’s the video if you want to waste 90 more seconds of your day.

“Celebrity” Caught Yelling at Waitress (video)

daveryanSo I guess that in the Twin Cities, there is a radio personality named Dave Ryan. I have never heard of him because I am not in the habit of listening to morning radio shows while driving to a job in the Minneapolis-St. Paul area, but he is pretty well-known there. There is a video out today that shows him treating a server like crap and I can’t tell if it’s real or not. I mean, it seems legit and he comes across like a big scabby douchebag who belittles his waitress because he feels he waited too long for a drink. On the other hand, the video is being shared on his official Facebook page which makes me think one of two things:

  1. The whole video was a set-up meant to go viral.
  2. He truly is a big scabby douchebag and he doesn’t care that the world knows about it.

Supposedly, the video was shared by someone who was eating at the same restaurant and took some super secret surveillance video when she saw what was going down. The two men who are with Dave look extremely uncomfortable when he starts harassing the waitress, but maybe they were playing for the camera. Watch it for yourself and you tell me what you think.

 

If the video is real, then I think we can all safely assume that Dave Ryan is a complete jackass who has let celebrity go to his head. The server deserves a fucking gold medal for not losing her shit with this asshole and dumping a pitcher of ice water into his lap and poking him in the eye with a fork. If it’s fake, then I just helped him get more attention…

Here is his Facebook page if you want to go tell him your thoughts about the way he treated the waitress. Also tell him I said hello.

Restaurant Owner Tells Yelp Reviewer How He Really Feels

jodiIf you live in Seattle, Washington, please go to Sam’s Tavern and ask for the owner James. When you find him, give him a big bear hug from me because he has all my respect after calling out a woman named Jodie H. who gave his restaurant a 1-star review on Yelp.

Long story short: Jodie H. was pissed that the waitress wouldn’t let them place their various coats and bags on an adjacent table and they were forced to remove them. Also, the waitress didn’t smile enough.

James, realizing that he really didn’t care if someone like Jodie H. came back or not, responded to her complaint and left her ass out to dry. No word on how Jodie H. responded to the complaint, but as of now, it is still posted online. This means that either she hasn’t seen it yet or she has and she does not care. My guess is that she hasn’t seen it, so I will take it upon myself to share this story so that eventually, Jodie H. will know just how James feels about her.

Thank you, James. And thank you to all of the other restaurant owners and managers who are standing up to the insignificant complaints that people like Jodie H. leave on Yelp. It’s awesome.

Jodie H.’s review:

So, I’ve been here a handful of times for work events and am finally coming here to leave a review because I doubt I will come here for any future meetups.

If you don’t mind less-than-stellar customer service, having your group ignored, being served by waitresses who refuse to smile and act like they’re doing you a favor, and waiting 45 minutes for your food when you only have an hour, then you’ve come to the right place.

The last straw was today, when our server asked us to move our coats and bags from an empty booth adjacent to our tables we had reserved. We were told that because we only reserved the one table, that we’ll have to move everything to sit under the table where our buffet for 20-25 people is. On the floor. No hooks under the tables. Mind you, there are at least 10 other empty tables and it wasn’t rush AND they stayed empty throughout our stay.

How about waiting until the tipping point where you have to make room for another group in that booth? Instead, our waitress rudely wandered through our gathered group, announcing that we need to move our items, that we only have the one table and cannot have our items in that empty booth. We proposed that we could sit at the table, but she said no, that would be unacceptable. What the what? So onto the floor our bags and coats went. Gross.

I won’t be back and will take my business elsewhere, and I will let my vendor partners know of the other restaurants that welcome our team events and treat us with respect. You know? With customer service.

A suggestion would be to send your servers to a workshop to learn what customer service looks like. So that your increasingly bad reputation doesn’t sink you. Or, go visit Butcher’s Plate, Cactus, Cuoco, republic, or Serious Pie and witness the customer service that delights customers and has them coming back, and spreading the good word.

James’ response:

Hi Jodie.  My name is James & my wife and I own Sams Tavern.  Thanks for coming in, we do appreciate your business.

I generally do not respond to these reviews because I believe that Yelp is used primarily for venting.  Which is great for people who want to complain about stuff like you mention… I mean, really?  You can’t put your purse or your coat on the floor?  Wait, what?   I’m appalled that someone in their 40’s (Jodi H. woman in her 40’s) would complain about putting a purse or a coat on the floor. Why didn’t you put your coat back & purse back on if you were so worried about putting them on our 7 month brand new concrete floor?  Gross?

In terms of the food 40 taking 40 minutes, I spoke with my kitchen manager about that.  We had 2 new cooks training that night and they got slammed.. sometimes that happens in the food service industry.  Have you tried hiring kitchen help lately in Seattle?  Its tough.  We are still getting used to the volume changes in South Lake Union.  We are working on that and our times have been improving greatly, due to our awesome kitchen team and bar/serving team.  Our team is great!

Your comments about your server not smiling really bothered me.  I spoke with our employee who was working with your group and guess what she had to say?  Maybe you were a little rude to our employee because you were upset that you had to move your coats and precious purses? This is the problem with yelp, a one sided argument from a woman in her 40’s bitching about a server not smiling?  Wait, what?  Is she required to smile at you if you have an attitude with her?  I’m guessing that most people that you interact with don’t smile back at you… Maybe its time to look how you are treating the people around you?  Why do you get to judge our server for not smiling?

My third point.  I will also let my vendor partners know to be on the look out for a woman in her 40’s named Jodi H.  I will let them know that they better make sure everyone smiles at her and make sure she has a direct route to a coat hanger, because if you don’t, she will give you a 1 star review and threaten to take her business else where.  Grow up Jodi H in her 40’s.

My wife and I recently had twin girls.  If my girls were ever to complain about having to put their coats/purses on the floor of a restaurant at any point in their life i would feel like a failure as a parent.  You are way out of line and I hope that next time you have some feedback, you could email us at info@samstavernseattle.c… and we may take your comments more seriously.  A suggestion for you, buy a fanny pack.  You could take your coat off, roll it up into your fanny pack, then you would never have this problem again.  Problem solved.

On a side note, I installed a bunch of coat/purse hangers today.  We are dedicating them all to you.

Have a great day!

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