Despite my bitchy pen name, I honestly try to give all of my customers the best dining experience possible. Hospitality flows through my veins just as passionately as the blood and tequila do. But with some customers, that can be a challenge. Take for instance, the couple I served last week. They must have been in their early 20s. Had I carded them when they ordered their cocktails, I might have saved myself the frustration of watching them sip those libations in slow motion. Never have I have seen someone take as long as they did to get through a Blueberry Lemonade and an Orange Breeze. Those two cocktails are basically sugar water with booze, but they sipped them as if they were made of lava and the liquid was burning their esophagus with each swallow. When they ordered another round five minutes before closing time, I knew I was in for the long haul. But that’s not the only annoying thing these two did. Allow me to enumerate:
- When I asked him what kind of cheese he wanted on his burger, he asked what the chef recommended. Really? It’s a fucking hamburger, kid. We have cheddar, Swiss, goat, bleu, and American. You can put foreskin smegma on it for all he cares. I suggested American since it’s such “a classic.”
- When they finished eating their appetizer of mac and cheese, he told me how wonderful it was. “I loved that spiciness in there,” he told me. There is literally no spice in our mac and cheese; it has pasta, cheddar, gruyere, flour, salt, pepper, cream, and bacon. There is no jalapeño, Tabasco, cayenne, cajun seasoning, or ghost pepper. Still, I agreed with him. “Isn’t that just lovely?” I replied.
- When I placed their burgers in front of them, he extended his hands over his plate, palms upward, and said, “Well, would you look at that??” He said it the way a grandpa would reply to his 2-year old grandchild after they handed him a scribbled drawing of a horse with two heads. My reply: “Yes, it’s a cheeseburger.”
- When they ordered the aforementioned second cocktail after perusing the menu for far too long, he asked about the one called Fallen Leaves. “Is it juicy?” He wanted to know. I told him I would consider it more “boozy” since it’s primarily bourbon with a splash of maple syrup and a squeeze of lemon. “Hmmm, boozy, you say. Interesting.” His hand was on his chin when he said it like he was Sherlock Holmes trying to decipher if Mrs. Peacock murdered someone using the wrench or the rope in the library or the dining room. I don’t know why this annoyed me, but it fucking did.
- When I poured their two cocktails from the shaker and into their glasses, he responded by clasping his hands together and then did the “would you look at that” gesture again.
- Forty minutes after we closed and with them being the only ones in the restaurant for at least an hour, they finally asked for the check. It was for $92. When I picked up the check, I saw he had left me $5. Five. Dollars.
- At this point, I had no more patience, so I began to blow out candles and turn out lights. Fuck them. As I was removing the candle from their table, he wanted to ask me a question about his martini glass. “What would you say is the proper way to hold this type of glass? This way or this way?” He alternated holding it by the stem and holding it nestled in his palm. “I would hold it by the stem so your hand doesn’t warm your drink,” I told him. He acted like I had just deciphered the Rosetta Stone. “Ahhhh,” he said as he tapped his forefinger on his temple to indicate the brilliant idea I had given him. “And would I hold my pinky out?” he wanted to know. “Yes,” I told him, but the truth is the only place I wanted his pinky to be was out of my restaurant.
- As they got up to leave, he told me his girlfriend needed to go to the restroom first. She was in there for five minutes, probably wondering where the candles had gone that were there on her first trip to the restroom HOURS BEFORE. When she returned, he then explained that now he had to go. “We have two restrooms! Why didn’t you both go at the same time so you can both get the fuck out of my life?” I silently screamed and literally locked the door behind them.
God, they were annoying.