The 8 Ways This 5% Tipper Annoyed Me

Despite my bitchy pen name, I honestly try to give all of my customers the best dining experience possible. Hospitality flows through my veins just as passionately as the blood and tequila do. But with some customers, that can be a challenge. Take for instance, the couple I served last week. They must have been in their early 20s. Had I carded them when they ordered their cocktails, I might have saved myself the frustration of watching them sip those libations in slow motion. Never have I have seen someone take as long as they did to get through a Blueberry Lemonade and an Orange Breeze. Those two cocktails are basically sugar water with booze, but they sipped them as if they were made of lava and the liquid was burning their esophagus with each swallow. When they ordered another round five minutes before closing time, I knew I was in for the long haul. But that’s not the only annoying thing these two did. Allow me to enumerate:

  1. When I asked him what kind of cheese he wanted on his burger, he asked what the chef recommended. Really? It’s a fucking hamburger, kid. We have cheddar, Swiss, goat, bleu, and American. You can put foreskin smegma on it for all he cares. I suggested American since it’s such “a classic.”
  2. When they finished eating their appetizer of mac and cheese, he told me how wonderful it was. “I loved that spiciness in there,” he told me. There is literally no spice in our mac and cheese; it has pasta, cheddar, gruyere, flour, salt, pepper, cream, and bacon. There is no jalapeño, Tabasco, cayenne, cajun seasoning, or ghost pepper. Still, I agreed with him. “Isn’t that just lovely?” I replied.
  3. When I placed their burgers in front of them, he extended his hands over his plate, palms upward, and said, “Well, would you look at that??” He said it the way a grandpa would reply to his 2-year old grandchild after they handed him a scribbled drawing of a horse with two heads. My reply: “Yes, it’s a cheeseburger.”
  4. When they ordered the aforementioned second cocktail after perusing the menu for far too long, he asked about the one called Fallen Leaves. “Is it juicy?” He wanted to know. I told him I would consider it more  “boozy” since it’s primarily bourbon with a splash of maple syrup and a squeeze of lemon. “Hmmm, boozy, you say. Interesting.” His hand was on his chin when he said it like he was Sherlock Holmes trying to decipher if Mrs. Peacock murdered someone using the wrench or the rope in the library or the dining room. I don’t know why this annoyed me, but it fucking did.
  5. When I poured their two cocktails from the shaker and into their glasses, he responded by clasping his hands together and then did the “would you look at that” gesture again.
  6. Forty minutes after we closed and with them being the only ones in the restaurant for at least an hour, they finally asked for the check. It was for $92. When I picked up the check, I saw he had left me $5. Five. Dollars.
  7. At this point, I had no more patience, so I began to blow out candles and turn out lights. Fuck them. As I was removing the candle from their table, he wanted to ask me a question about his martini glass. “What would you say is the proper way to hold this type of glass? This way or this way?” He alternated holding it by the stem and holding it nestled in his palm. “I would hold it by the stem so your hand doesn’t warm your drink,” I told him. He acted like I had just deciphered the Rosetta Stone. “Ahhhh,” he said as he tapped his forefinger on his temple to indicate the brilliant idea I had given him. “And would I hold my pinky out?” he wanted to know. “Yes,” I told him, but the truth is the only place I wanted his pinky to be was out of  my restaurant.
  8. As they got up to leave, he told me his girlfriend needed to go to the restroom first. She was in there for five minutes, probably wondering where the candles had gone that were there on her first trip to the restroom HOURS BEFORE. When she returned, he then explained that now he had to go. “We have two restrooms! Why didn’t you both go at the same time so you can both get the fuck out of my life?” I silently screamed and literally locked the door behind them.

God, they were annoying.

27 thoughts on “The 8 Ways This 5% Tipper Annoyed Me

  1. anne marie

    that little fuckhead SHOULD have left a $20! sounds like a pretentious obnoxious asshole customer to me!

  2. Amber

    Yes some kids aren’t taught these things BUT…..
    we’re not responsible for how we were raised but we’re responsible for what we do about it!!! As an adult of legal drinking age, he should’ve known how to tip. When I didn’t know how to tip my hairstylist, I asked others and googled it on the internet. There is no excuse for not knowing how to be a decent human being, as an adult. Their inconsideration more than entitles this rant!

  3. Christopher

    I’ve been in the industry over 30 years and one thing I’ve learned is to not judge the book by its cover. Some asshats tip big because you put up with them, others tip like shit because they’re asshats. But you don’t know who that couple are. Who they know. What they do. Who they have the power to reach and let know that there is some asshat waiter being a dick because the dude asked for a cheese recommendation. I’ve been asked the for the “Chef’s Steak Sauce List” before. Instead of saying “bitch, we don’t have ANY steak sauce here, let alone a list” I responded with “our chef truly labors over getting your steak temps perfect and the seasoning spot on so that sauce is not needed, but let me go ask Chef if he can work something up.” Turns out she was the cousin of our Dir. of Mktg and it got all of us at the restaurant some recognition—and gift cards. Always exceed expectations. Those 2 coulda been wannabe foodies with a blog that could put your place on blast. I don’t think your GM or owner would appreciate that bad press.

    I’ve seen comments that those kids need to have been taught better. I really hope they have been taught better and they just choose to be asshole customers. I feel like everyone that attends a public/state funded college, or even in high school, should have to work in a customer-service driven position. Retail (Old Navy), restaurant (front of house), hotel (front desk, bellhop, porter). That way, the rule of “treat people how you’d want to be treated” can really be learned.

  4. Lynsey

    There is no excuse for not tipping properly. There has to be some serious reason to ever leave less, and it will actually have to be the servers fault, don’t tip less if you waited for your table, or the food took long, or the bartender made poorly balanced cocktails. But if the server is ignoring you to be on their phone or smoke cigarettes or other wise not doing their job, it’s ok to use a little discretion. Otherwise there is something wrong with you if you don’t know you need to tip 20 percent. That being said, I totally would have been annoyed by then too, besides not tipping it seems like they have never eaten at a restaurant before and there is nothing worse than waiting on people who don’t know how to eat out at a restaurant or can’t read the room and see it’s past closing time. and if your gonna be the last ones there an hour past closing, be worth my time … $$$

    1. Drago

      That truly sounds like the the most irritating fuck show and I’m genuinely sorry! 😂😂😂😭😭😭

  5. Luis

    Wow! Don’t don’t sound like evil people just misguided. Seems like foreigners or they don’t get out much!

    1. Ethan Marc

      No, they don’t sound like “foreigners who don’t get out much” (foreigners, by their very description, have gotten pretty far & know some culture & class).
      They sound like typical rude Americans.

      1. Scott Layton

        He said “foreigners or they don’t get out much” implying that those are two different groups of people. 1) Foreigners who may be unaccustomed to restaurants in America . 2) People who don’t get out much who may be unaccustomed to restaurants in America. Luis was not disparaging foreigners Ethan. Maybe read what he wrote before you get your dander up.

        1. Marykate

          Fuckkkkkkkkkkk them, I got fired over people like that. Honestly, with that being said… I DONT GIVE TWO SHITS!!!!!!!!

  6. Jason

    It’s the best when you fake the charm while being sarcastic and, they are too stupid to realize. Which is why these people act the way they do in the first place. They don’t even really how obnoxious and “uncool” they really are.

  7. KC

    Awww. As a server I’m sure that was pretty annoying. They sound like maybe country kids in the big city trying to figure it out. Clearly they haven’t but it doesn’t sound like they were complete assholes. Maybe just ignorant.
    I live in the “largest city” in a 150 mile radius in the rural part of a southern state and have served kids from the sticks around here so I know a little bit about how that goes.

  8. Kayanne

    “I don’t know why this annoyed me, but it fucking did.”

  9. MaLinda Manis

    I often find it amusing when people who have never worked in hospitality related services are quick to pass judgement and make excuses for asshats like these kids. One of the reasons when we were raising our Son and Daughter that they learned that behavior differs when you’re at different places. Always have respect for someone who is waiting on you in whatever capacity. If you aren’t thrilled with the service they provide, give them 15% and go on, if they went above and beyond, give more, but never less. Being a waitress is never easy, not even when I did it back in ’87 when I turned 16 and my first job was at our Country Club, or when I worked at the fast food taco place, or the local diner. I could not do it in today’s world at all because I’m bitchy about a lot, mostly because I’m sick of the way people of all ages act. It’s past time to get back to the old days when parents were present in their families raising their kids and teach morals, manners, values, etc.

    1. Steph

      My kids were raised to always tip their server 20% and up! I have been a server for 24 years and so they know the dos and don’ts when it comes to a restaurant.

  10. Nicole

    I laughed out loud at some of this, and while you’re right that people like this are annoying as all hell, I hope that he’s just young enough to not realize the error of his ways! They don’t sound like bad people, but rather inconsiderate, and in the way many new adults are— not even realizing what they’re doing. Maybe some pleasant pointers would be better employed than a blast. Having said that, I have worked in customer service/hospitality and manage an office— I 100% get where you’re coming from. Sometimes we just gotta blow off some steam.

    1. Em

      Unfortunately if he hasn’t learned common decency as it applies to restaurants by the time he’s old enough to drink, I doubt he will ever learn.

  11. Nikki

    Your better than me that bathroom wouldn’t have been available sorry you gotta go and somehow blame it on Covid

    1. MaLinda Manis

      You’ve worked in hospitality before? She handled it far better than some would have, myself included. Whether his actions were taken out of context or not, this guy was either a prick or an entitled brat who was raised by animals in the wild. 5 dollar tip that should have been $20 at the least. Customers like that would get the very most basic attention I could give when I was a waitress. (Yes, waitress, not server, I’m not into all that pc crap)

      1. Nicole

        Sorry was that @ my comment? If so, absolutely I have worked hospitality, and *he was professional; I’m not saying he handled the interaction poorly. And no, those aren’t the only 2 options— he could be exactly what I said, just completely oblivious. Still a problem, but less malicious than what you’ve mentioned. Of course they should have left a 20% tip, and I do expect youth to know better, BUT that’s the job of a parent/guardian and it clearly didn’t happen for this young man. That isn’t really his fault. So if it’s politely pointed out to him and he makes a change, good on him, if he doesn’t— then yeah, he’s a jerk. My young adult tips 20+%, as he’s been taught, and uses his manners, and tries to be thoughtful about not being burdensome to the servers. But we all have to know that not everyone has been taught these things. Have a great day!


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