Yearly Archives: 2018

New Year’s Eve at Olive Garden for $400 Per Person?

It’s New Year’s Eve, that night when all the amateurs come out of the woodwork to binge drink cheap California brut and puke in the new year. I was walking through Times Square last week which is something I try to avoid at all costs. That stretch of commercial desperation is more upsetting to me than a ten-top all wanting hot teas and separate checks. As I walked past the Times Square Olive Garden on my way to the lovey N/W train, a sign in their window caught my eye. It was advertising their own special New Year’s Eve celebration for a measly $400 per person. After I picked up my eyeballs off the sidewalk and crammed them back into my head I began to wonder: who the fuck celebrates New Year’s Eve at fucking Olive Garden in New York City? The whole idea of ringing in the new year in Times Square while being crammed into metal pens and being unable to pee for twelve hours straight is already baffling to me, but to take it one step further into hell by doing at Olive Garden makes my mind reel. And for $400? I do not get it.

For that insane amount of money you get a complimentary buffet and a complimentary champagne toast at midnight. First off, if it costs $400 to be there, nothing is complimentary. Also included in the price is an open bar which is barely worth it. Here in New York a decent cocktail costs $16, so to get your $400 worth, you’d need to smash back 25 drinks. You get a total of five hours there, so you’d have to get a new cocktail every twelve minutes. If you made it that far, you might be looking at a severe case of alcohol poisoning, but then again since this is Olive Garden, how strong do we think those drinks really are? Also included is a DJ and dancing and all I can picture is tourists from middle America doing the Dougie and the Running Man to Prince’s “1999.” It makes my skin crawl.

Upon further inspection, I see a disclaimer on the sign:

Seating and view of ball drop not guaranteed.

Wait, what? So some people are going to spend four hundred bucks to stand in an Olive Garden for five hours and watch on their iPhone as Dick Clark Ryan Seacrest does the countdown? Why would anyone travel all the way to New York City to do something they could do at their local Olive Garden or in the privacy of their own home? (I can guaran-fucking-tee you that the only people in that Olive Garden tonight who live in New York City will be the ones who work there.) It just makes no sense to me.

But you know what? Go for it, tourists. If you want to eat some lukewarm lobster shrimp mac and cheese in a Times Square Olive Garden while listening to a DJ blast Carly Rae Jepson and Blake Shelton, do it. Personally, I like my plan for tonight much better. I’ll be bowling with ten friends at 6:00 and then having a potluck in Queens while guzzling Veuve Clicquot. To each his own, I suppose.

To everyone who spends some time on this blog or my Facebook page or one of the many other places I regurgitate tired ass serving memes and self-promotion, thank you. Happy new year to all of you. Be careful tonight and please know how much I appreciate you.

Happy new year, bitches.

This Man Was Stuck in a Restaurant Grease Duct for Two Days

A man in California is lucky to be alive after spending two days trapped in a grease duct of a Chinese restaurant. He was trying to break into the restaurant by crawling through an exhaust vent and instead got his ass stuck in there covered in grease, dirt and regret. Two days! If it wasn’t for a neighbor who finally heard the desperate cries of the lubricated lug, he probably would have died there and gone down in history as one of the dumbest criminals in all the land. It took firefighters an hour to wedge him out of his lard-covered sarcophagus and the man is likely to be charged with trespassing and vandalism. He is expected to make a full recovery. This, all according to the Alameda County Sheriff’s Office Facebook page.

I had the opportunity to interview the man (no I didn’t) who faced a greasy death and I am honored to share his (totally made up) story:

Bitchy Waiter: So, what the fuck were you thinking?

Greaseball: Dude, I was watching Die Hard a couple of weeks ago, and you know that scene where he climbs through the ceiling ducts after almost falling in the elevator shaft?

BW: No, I’ve never seen that movie.

GB: Oh, it’s awesome. So, I was like, I bet I could do that to get into that Chinese restaurant.

BW: Was your intent to rob the place?

GB: Oh, yeah, totally. And I needed some chopsticks too and I figured they had some.

BW: When did you know you were in trouble?

GB: (laughing) Like almost right away, dude. I was all, “oh fuck this might be the third stupidest thing I’ve ever done.”

BW: Only the third? What are the top two?

GB: Number two was probably that time I tried to ride a sea lion in Malibu. Dude, do not try to ride a sea lion, they don’t like it. And those fuckers have teeth.

BW: And what’s the dumbest thing you ever did?

GB: I ate at Applebee’s once.

BW: So what were you thinking while you were trapped there for two days?

GB: Mostly that I was hungry and how close I was to an unlimited supply of egg rolls.

BW: Did you think you were going to die there?

GB: No, I thought I would eventually lose enough weight to slip through the duct and then just walk out the front door.

BW: You really are a dumb ass, aren’t you?

GB: Well, I told you I ate at Applebee’s once so, yeah.

Someone Did a Study on Restaurant Lemon Wedges (Spoiler Alert: They’re Dirty)

In case you didn’t know it already, the lemons at restaurants are sometimes disgusting little pieces of fruit. And believe me, I know all about disgusting little fruits.

Someone did a study on how dirty the lemon wedges are at several restaurants. I hope they didn’t spend too much time and money on this study, because they could have called me and gotten the same results:

Scientist: So, Bitchy Waiter, would you say the lemon wedges at restaurants are relatively clean?

BW: Fuck, no. Those things are disgusting little pieces of fruit.

And scene.

Five Effective Ways To Keep a Baby From Crying

I often complain about children in restaurants, especially babies who incessantly cry. The only one who should be allowed to cry in a restaurant is me and all the crying shall happen in the walk-in cooler or the restroom. However, I am helpfully offering these tips on how to keep a baby from crying just in case you end up sitting in my section and your baby won’t simmer down. This is a guest post by new mom, Emily Dick. Thanks!  -BW

As a new parent, it can be both exhausting and upsetting if your baby seems to cry a lot. Some parents feel like their baby hates them if they cry all the time, but this is certainly not the case. Babies cry for many reasons, and over time you will learn to read your baby’s cues to figure out just why they are crying. Now, let’s take a look at some simple and effective ways to keep your baby from crying.

  1. Ensure your baby’s basic needs are met

This might seem obvious, but one of the main reasons babies cry is because they are hungry or need a diaper change. If your baby starts to cry, you should first check their diaper is clean and dry, they have been fed and burped, and they don’t need a nap. Overtired babies can be difficult to calm down, and it often takes a while for them to fall asleep. If all their basic needs have been met and they are still crying, it’s time to move on to something else.

  2. Entertain your baby

Often, babies cry because they are simply bored. Try showing them some new toys or sitting them on your lap to play a game such as ‘This Little Piggy’. You can talk to your baby about what you are doing, pointing out different objects around the house. Babies don’t need a lot of expensive toys, and you could try putting together a box of safe household items for them to play with. Try plastic bowls and spoons, wooden spoons, whisks and old cell phones or keys. You could also take your baby out in their stroller and talk about the things you see – perhaps different animals or different types and colors of vehicle. If you feel your baby needs more toys to play with at home, www.whooopsadaisy.com has some great ideas for babies of all ages.  

   3. Ensure your baby is not overstimulated

Babies sometimes cry when they have become overstimulated, and need some time out to relax and unwind. Sometimes, new toys or too many people around can cause overstimulation. In this case, take your baby into a calm, quiet room and perhaps dim the lights a little. Talk to them gently or even sing softly. You can also try swaddling your baby, rocking them gently or even playing white noise such as running the vacuum cleaner or hairdryer.

   4. Take note of your own feelings

If you are getting stressed because your baby won’t stop crying, it’s important to take a step back. Babies pick up on their parent’s emotions, so a stressed parent is much less likely to be able to stop a baby from crying. If someone else can take over, let them do so to allow you to have a break to regain your cool. If there is no one else around, put your baby in a safe place and take a few minutes to breathe and relax. You could try leaving them in their crib for example.

    5. Learn to read your infant’s cues

Crying can sometimes be prevented if you learn how to recognize your baby’s early cues for hunger and tiredness. So, if your baby starts rubbing their eyes, it could be time to put them down for a nap before they start crying uncontrollably. Also be sure to check their diaper frequently, and don’t be late for a feed!

About the Author

Emily Dick is a mom of one, a toddler girl named Daisy. She is the inspiration behind Emily’s new blog, Whooops-a-Daisy. Here, she enjoys writing about a range of topics whether it’s sleeping tips for babies or reviewing the latest toys and gifts for children of all ages.

A$$hole Manager of the Week: Katie

In this week’s edition of “Some Restaurant Managers are Complete and Total Assholes,” we have a story from a restaurant called Cafe 72 in Ewing, NJ. Here’s the rundown:

An employee at the restaurant was looking to get her shift covered in order to attend the funeral of a friend. (Michael Sot, a 20-year old student at The College of New Jersey was acting as a designated driver and his car was hit by an allegedly drunk driver.) The employee texted “katie cafe 72”, the owner of the restaurant, to see if a recently hired hostess was able to go it alone. 

Basically, Katie said no and when the employee explained why she wanted the shift covered, Katie was less than sympathetic:

Just don’t come back to work. I like you but I’m sick of all staff not taking their job seriously and just fucking expect me to cover all of your shifts. I have a business to run at the end of the day. And a family.

The employee replied:

I’m not expecting you to cover my shift, I simply asked if someone was allowed to host. I am a college student that shows up on time for my shifts, so taking this job seriously isn’t questionable. I’m looking for a cover before calling out. It doesn’t get more responsible than that. Letting someone go because of a death is unethical.

Now, this would be a good moment for the Katie to acknowledge that the employee is in fact being very responsible instead of just calling out and leaving the restaurant in a pinch, but Katie doubles down on the bitchiness:

I’m not playing this game. If you can’t work and there is no one to cover the shift in order for the restaurant to operate I have to let you go. Sorry. I don’t feel bad for you so don’t pull the college student unethical card. It’s not the first time. Go to the viewing. Let me know your decision so I know what my plans are for this weekend.

And just like that, Katie went down in history as one of the most unfeeling and unsympathetic restaurant owners in the whole entire world. Of course once the screenshots of the conversation started to make the rounds on the Internet, Cafe 72 got trashed on their Facebook page so they deleted it. Their reviews on Yelp are also in a free fall not unlike me after three too many margaritas. The restaurant did try to do some damage control by posting an apology on their website and donating $1000 to the GoFundMe account for Michael Sot.

In their statement, they say the employee was not fired and that her last shifts happened to be this weekend before leaving for a holiday break. That also say that the texts were taken out of context, but c’mon. The context doesn’t matter when you’re a straight up cold-hearted bitch with no emotion. “I don’t feel bad for you” sounds pretty bitchy no matter what the context is, and I know a thing or two about being bitchy. They also have asked that people STOP with the hate emails, bad reviews and annoying phone calls. Sorry, Katie, you made your bed, now lie in it.

Here’s the bottom line: if you’re a restaurant owner or manager and you expect your employees to give a shit about their job, then you need to give a shit about your employees. Try being human and treating your staff with respect. When you give respect, you get respect. This employee was being as respectful as possible by trying to work with the owner to solve an issue. Rather than cooperating with the employee all that happened was a “my way or the highway” attitude that created this social media shit storm. In your own words, Katie: I don’t feel bad for you.

8 Gifts Ideas For Servers

With the holidays sneaking up on us like a customer trying to be all stealthy and slip into our restaurant two minutes before we close, it’s time to think about the gifts we may be giving to the servers in our lives. Maybe you regrettably decided to take part in a Secret Santa event or perhaps you’re a restaurant manager/owner looking for gift ideas for your staff. Or maybe you’re a genuinely nice person who actually enjoys giving gifts for Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa or the Winter Solstice. Whatever the reason is, I’ve got you covered. And all of these are twenty dollars and under. And here they are:

 

A “The Customer is Always Wrong” mug by artist Mimi Pond is available at Fishs Eddy and is the perfect gift for your favorite surly server. $17.95, CLICK HERE


Why not a new checkbook from Waiter Wallet? It’s affordable, functional, stylish and will help even the most disorganized server look less like the fuck up we know they are. $18.95, CLICK HERE.


This “Make America Tip Again” t-shirt is a great way to let the world know that we aren’t bringing that fifth Diet Coke refill because we think it’s good for you. We’re doing it for the money. $20.00, CLICK HERE.


How about a big ass box of pens? The next time one of your coworkers ask to borrow one of yours, tell them to go fuck off and get one out of the box. $13.79, CLICK HERE.

 


The only way to get through a “clopen” is with a a lot of coffee, caffeine, or coke. Whatever you choose to use, put it in this awesome Clopen mug. $12.00, CLICK HERE.

 


My book, duh. It’s super cheap and super relatable for anyone who wears an apron for a living. It’ll make you laugh and maybe even make you cry. And if you need more of a reason to buy it, this review from a varied Amazon customer ought to do it: “Just one foul word after another. I threw it in the trash.” $14.95, CLICK HERE.


 

A personalized video shout out from the Bitchy Waiter himself via the Cameo app. You can tell me what to say and I’ll say it (within reason, people.) The video then goes to your friend and they can cherish it forever or until there’s no more room on their phone for it, whichever comes first. $5.00, CLICK HERE.


If saying “corner” is embedded in our brains so deeply that we even say it at the grocery store, why not just wear a t-shirt that says it for you? $19.99, CLICK HERE.


Happy holidays, bitches!