Monthly Archives: June 2016

This Guy Almost Got Arrested For Ordering a Kids Meal

Screen Shot 2016-06-30 at 11.46.38 AMBy now, many of you have probably seen the video of a guy who calls himself a “Surveillance Camera Artist” who is determined to order a children’s meal at a restaurant in an effort to save money. Even though his waitress, the manager and everyone else he talks to says he is not allowed to do it, he insists and eventually gets his way.  When they inform him he will still have to pay for the beverage that he had with it, he reminds them that a beverage is included in the child’s meal. The restaurant wants him to pay the $2.25 for the drink and he refuses. Finally, the police are called, since I’m sure they had nothing better to do like protecting citizens or fighting crime, and they tell they guy he must pay for what he ate and drank and if he doesn’t like it, he can sue the restaurant.

Edit again: HE REPOSTED IT!


The video is 12 minutes of awkward as he and his girlfriend try to be as cheap as possible all for the sake of a YouTube video. For me, the most surprising thing about the video is that the guy has a girlfriend. I tip my hat to the manager for always keeping cool and I’m pretty much in love with the cashier who is the snarkiest bitch in the video without ever being too obviously snarky. That’s a skill. Even though the “surveillance artist” seems eager for the attention and he’s probably getting a big ol 4” boner right now just seeing his video get more hits, I cannot not respond to this. However, since he also seems like the type who will do anything just to prove a simple point, I am not going to say anything specifically bad about him in case he wants to sue me. Therefore, I will resort to Mad Libs in my description of him so that I am not really saying anything bad about him at all. (Well, except for that comment about his 4” boner…).

This guy is a complete and utter (noun) who is wasting the time of the restaurant manager and police force. His haircut looks like a reject from the barber of (1950’s Rock and Roll Singer) and his girlfriend must be as smart as a box of (noun) to think it’s a good idea to be with him. His continuous use of “please” and thank you” does not detract from the fact that he is a (adjective) (noun). His voice is as annoying as the sound of two (animals) trying to (verb) while gargling with a glass of (liquid). I don’t understand why someone would want to record themself being such a (name for the male anatomy), but I guess to each his own. Hopefully, this video will spread all over the country so people can see his (adjective) face and recognize him the next time he comes into a restaurant. As for his alleged 4” boner that he is getting from all of this attention, I hope his (adjective) girlfriend can manage to find it underneath the pile of (fast food restaurant) wrappers that probably fell into his underwear the last time he (verb, past tense) with the free (condiment) packet he got from the drive-thru. I hope this (something poops comes out of) is happy with his newfound fame and I also hope karma finds him very soon.

Here are the words I would use IF I was playing Mad Libs:

noun: piece of shit
1950’s Rock and Roll Singer: Elvis Presely
noun: hair
adjective: huge
noun: munt, or man cunt
animals: goats
verb: fuck
liquid: Gatorade
name for the male anatomy: dick
adjective: pancake-like
adjective: pathetic
fast food restaurant: Taco Bell
verb, past tense: masturbated
condiment: mayonnaise
something poop comes out of: asshole

Man At BWW’s Almost Dies of Thirst; Turns to Facebook For Help

Screen Shot 2016-06-29 at 12.09.58 PMGoing out to eat in a restaurant is challenging for some customers because they don’t understand how things works. They might not know what to order because they can’t comprehend how to use a menu. Or maybe when they come in, they ignore the host stand and head directly to a dirty table only to complain that they are sitting a dirty table. In the case of Chris, who recently went to Buffalo Wild Wings, he was confused as to what to do when he needed a drink refill. Rather than simply asking his server for more water, Chris turned to Facebook. He snapped a picture of his empty glass and posted the photo onto the BWW’s Facebook page complaining:

Cheers to my waiter, who hasn’t filled my cup in 30 minutes but seems to be determined to look off into the distance. I understand it’s busy, and I don’t expect a refill instantly. But standing there while every other waiter is busting their ass is ridiculous.

Granted, his server probably should have noticed an empty glass that sat there for thirty minutes. However, we all know that customers love to exaggerate their wait times in order to make their complaint sound more valid, so I highly doubt that a full half hour passed by before he took the photo. If I was shoving chicken wings down my eating hole and needed some water, I would certainly not just sit there for thirty minutes, parched.

Here are some things I would do if I needed a water refill at a restaurant for thirty minutes and my waiter wasn’t satisfying my needs. (But we all know it was probably only about five or ten minutes, right?)

  • Ask my server for more water when he walks by.
  • Ask a busser for more water when they walk by.
  • Ask another server for more water when they walk by.
  • As a last resort, I would get up and ask someone for more water.

Here is what I would not do if I needed a water refill at a restaurant:

  • Take a picture of my empty glass and post it on Facebook and expect that whoever is in charge of the Buffalo Wild Wings Facebook page will see it and immediately call the restaurant to ask the server to go to my table to fill my glass. That is, unless I was posting the photo onto the Facebook page in an attempt to get a coupon for free food the next time I come in.

Chris, use your common sense. Whether or not the server is just standing around looking off into the distance, if you need something, ask for it. Some servers aren’t as good at their job as others might be. If you have been wanting water for thirty minutes, be pro-active about it and ask for some more fucking water. In a perfect world, the server would have filled the glass without you having to ask. Unfortunately, you got the short end of the server stick and your glass went empty for “thirty minutes.” Until Facebook develops a button that automatically fills a glass of water as soon as you post a photo of an empty glass, your best option is to use vocal chords, words and communication.

Good luck, Chris. Eating out isn’t always easy, is it?

Introducing: the Stupidest Restaurant Technology Ever

Screen Shot 2016-06-28 at 12.47.45 PMFor years, people have been trying to find ways to infuse technology into restaurants in order to make things better for the customer. Like the tablets that have popped up at so many restaurants around the country and allow customers to order apps or refills, we now have the latest and most ridiculous piece of technological crap to grace our section in a long, long time. It’s called Ordercube and it’s even more stupid than the name implies.


According to co-founder Igor Suslov, ordering food in a restaurant is way too complicated and needs to be simplified. So he came up with this idea of a little box that changes colors as you sit at the table. When you are ready to place your order, you can simply tap the cube and it lights up green. That is the cue for the server to drop whatever the fuck he is doing and rush over to your table to see what you need. Ordercube gradually turns from green to red. After too much time has passed, the cube then begins to pulse so that the waiter will totally, for sure see it now and know that you are in need. “No way the waiter will not see the client now!” says the website.

“Imagine a world where you do not have to care about the waiter’s attention anymore,” he says. Yes, imagine that, Igor. Imagine a world where you can completely ignore the human being who is trying to make your dining experience a good one. Never mind that he has other tables to attend to and lots of work to do that most customers are not even aware of. Let’s just imagine that you, with your stupid box all lit up and pulsing in red, are the only one who matters in the restaurant. And when you need another glass of wine, even though your server just asked you two minutes ago and you ignored him, now all you have to do is tap your little box and make the light turn green. And by the way, if it’s pulsing red and the server still hasn’t come over to you, it isn’t necessarily that he hasn’t noticed it. It might be that he resents being summoned by a box rather than actual person to person communication.

Igor wants to know why an airplane has a flight attendant call button but there is nothing like that for restaurants. I’ll tell you why, Igor. An airplane like an Airbus A319 seats 126 passengers. There are usually about four flight attendants to take care of all those people. But maybe one of those flight attendants is going to take care of the 12 passengers in first class, leaving the other three to take care of the remaining 114. That means that each of those flight attendants is responsible for 38 people who were all seated at the same time and will leave at the same time. In a restaurant, it’s very rare that three servers would be taking care of 114 people who all came in at the same time. And if they are doing that, they have a support staff around them like bussers, food runners, bartenders, etc. Flight attendants don’t have that which is why a call button is helpful. They don’t have a bus boy wandering up and down the aisle of the plane making sure everything is okay. In a restaurant, we do have that. If you need something and do not see your server, you can usually make eye contact with another server or ask the busser who may be filling up your water. What we don’t need is a little plexiglass cube that lights up to tell us how and when we should do our job. If I am trying to get a 10-top’s food out of the kitchen, I am not going to stop doing that because I saw some asshole at Table 15 tap his stupid fucking Ordercube.

Who knows? Maybe this product will be a huge success and within a couple of years, all of us servers will be scanning our sections looking for green lights, ready to run out to serve before the light turns to red. We can be just like Pavlov’s dogs. When they heard a bell ring, they began to salivate. When we see a green light, we will automatically ask how you like your burger cooked. Good luck, Igor. If you want this to happen, might I suggest selling it to Applebee’s or Chili’s? They love stupid shit like this.

Here is the Facebook page for Ordercube. Enjoy.

Restaurant Owner Teaches Customer a Lesson Via Yelp

Screen Shot 2016-06-23 at 9.47.08 AMAs Yelp continues its descent down a long, bumpy, rusty slide into a pool of irrelevancy, more and more restaurant owners are realizing they have no fucks left to give when it comes to people leaving bad reviews about their restaurants. Case in point: the owner of a Vietnamese restaurant called Pho Linh in Quincy, Massachusetts.

Last week, a customer named Mary needed to take a dump but when she couldn’t find a restroom to her liking she decided to use Yelp as her toilet and diarrheaed out a review about her meal instead. She says the atmosphere is “fine” and seems rather disappointed that there aren’t enough booths to sit in. She is also not impressed with the lighting or the parking options. Already, it sounds like Mary needs to stay in her little bubble at home where she has soft-lighting, an atmosphere to her liking, a banquette in the kitchen and her own private garage. She goes on to compliment the waitress calling her “beautiful visually.” Not that a server’s appearance should ever affect a review, but I wonder why Mary had to specify that her beauty was visual. Maybe the waitress is beautiful on the inside too, Mary, did you ever think of that?

Mary’s real problem was with the ordering. In fact, it was downright “P R O B L EM- A T I C.” She did not appreciate having to recite her order multiple times and she was also upset that the food came out “peace-meal.” (I think she meant “piecemeal.”) I can see how that may be confusing, but it has been my experience in many Asian restaurants that the food comes out when it is ready and not necessarily all at the same time.

But here’s where we truly know that the problem is with Mary and no one else. She freely admits to waving her credit card in the air to indicate she is ready for her check. Does Mary not understand how fucking annoying and rude that is? She claims the waitress did not show up to her table for five minutes. Five whole minutes. Now that may not seem like a long time to most of us, but I guess if you are an ancient fossil on your last dying breath, five minutes can be the difference between dying at a table in a restaurant (not a booth) or dying in the parking lot on your way to your car. She saw her waitress in the kitchen who was “dancing, joking and cavorting.” This is when Mary pulled out her cane and “hobbled” over to teach her a lesson: “if the waitress wants to play with others, she should take care of her customers first.” The apology from the waitress was not enough to keep Mary from leaving a 1-star review.

Enter Tam, the owner of the business who responded to Mary’s review. He calls her out on her bad behavior and, in the snarkiest backhanded compliment ever, thanks her for giving him such a wonderful teaching moment for his staff:

I’ve reiterated to them many times that out of 100 patrons, there will be 1 or 2 who are unreasonable and are generally unpleasant. Your dismissive, disrespectful, holier-than-thou, and overall sense of entitlement provide a shining example of the type of patron that is, quite frankly, too good for our middling establishment.

Ouch. Someone go get some aloe vera gel for Mary to rub on that burn, ‘cause that’s gotta hurt. Tam then goes downstairs to dry storage to get some salt that he now wants to rub into Mary’s wound:

I often preach to my staff to do whatever it takes to ensure our guests have a pleasant dining experience.  With that being said, I would never want to subject my staff to a person of your quality.  Thank you for teaching us this invaluable lesson.

Basically, Tam just issued a big ol’ “Bye, Felicia” to Mary and told her to not come back.


Listen customers, if you’re gonna be a pain in the ass and treat the staff with disrespect, most restaurants are going to be more than happy when you say you will never come back. Like Tam said, out of 100 people, there are just a couple who suck. If you don’t come back, there are 98 or 99 others who will and those are the ones we want to serve. All of you “Mary’s” can stay the fuck at home.

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Allow Me To Introduce The Biggest Bitch In All the Land

MjAxNC0xOGFhNTQ5ZGMyMGYzMTAwThere are a lot of bitches in this world and I’m pretty sure about 90% of them live in the New York City area. Of that 90%, about 75% of them have sat in my section. Well, now is your chance to meet the biggest bitch in all the land. And, no, I’m not talking about this chick who is perfectly content announcing to the world that she never tips. I’m talking about me.

Yes, I am having another book reading and signing, so if you are in desperate need to see a 49-year-old man try to read a story while wearing adult braces, now is your chance. Well, if you feel like dragging your ass over to Jersey City, that is. Anyone who goes will have the chance to win a totally free book. (That’s to get the cheap bitches to come out.) Only one person will walk away with the free book, but everyone who shows up will walk away with a severe feeling of disappointment after meeting me and realizing that I’m much more entertaining on the Internet.

Join me, won’t you? Here is the link with all the information.

Tuesday, June 28th 7:30 PM
Word Bookstore
123 Newark Ave
Jersey City, NJ 07302

You can take the Path train to the Grove St.


A Comment on Comments; the “Your Job Is Easy” Edition

comment-cardAlmost a year ago, I wrote a blog post called “Watch Out, Someone Thinks My Job Isn’t Real.” It was a warmly written, heartfelt, feel good piece about how people who think waiting tables isn’t a real job can go fuck themselves with a rusty teaspoon that was used to keep Table 30 on the patio from wobbling. Well, one comment arrived a few days ago that needs some attention. Someone named Bob pulled an old piece of toilet paper out of his ass and read it like a fortune cookie:

Literally the easiest job on the planet, and the Biggest whiners ever. I worked as a server for 2 months before I found a better one when I was 17, and all I heard when the other servers were in the back was a bunch of bitch. About everything. 60% of what servers do is stand around.

Screen Shot 2016-06-18 at 7.56.29 AM

Oh, Bob, Dear, sweet, Bob who shits out fortune cookie blog post comments, what can I say? I can this: you’re an asshole. I don’t consider waiting tables “literally the easiest job on the planet.” I have had a lot of jobs in my life and I can say that being manager of Putt-Putt in Denver was easier than waiting tables. I would also suspect that reading old blog posts and then leaving poorly written comments can be considered easier too, but since you don’t get paid to do that, we can hardly call it a job, can we? Waiting tables is not as hard as working in a coal mine or harvesting cotton, of course, but it’s no walk in the park or sitting behind a counter and giving people coupons when they get a hole-in-one. Serving can be strenuous, exhausting work and many a time after a 12-hour shift, my body has ached to the point of needing a rub down of Icy Hot®.

Yes, servers may whine about their job, but everyone fucking whines about their job. I bet even the vice-president of Svedka whines every once in a while. It’s what people do to vent and make themselves be able to face their customers and co-workers. A bunch of co-workers complaining about something can practically be considered “team building.” And if you are going to complain about a website called “Bitchy Waiter” because there is a waiter bitching, then you need to move your mouse up to the top left corner of this computer window and click the fuck out of here.

So, you worked as a server for two whole months until you found a “better one.” A better what? A better job? Seeing that you were only 17 at the time, I would guess that your “better one” was working at Wal-Mart or some other retail job. Don’t try to pretend that at the ripe old age of 17, you filled out an application for vice-president of Svedka vodka and they hired you. (Seriously, that’s my dream job.)

As for standing around 60% of the time, your numbers are off. We stand around 100% of the time, because we are not allowed to sit down. And if you are implying that we are only working 40% of the time we are at work, you’re wrong about that too. When I am the only server with no busser or food runner and I have a full restaurant, I wish I could work only 40% of the time, but I can’t. My job is to make sure people have a great dining experience and that involves me taking their order, conveying it to the kitchen, bringing the food, clearing their plates, resetting that table, all the while, keeping glasses full, my sidestand stocked, the restaurant clean and a goddam smile on my face 100% of the time.

Why don’t you go find a bag of dicks and choke on about 60% of them? Thank you for your comment.