Jesus Speaks: Bible Pamphlet Tip’s Are Not Cool

screen shot 2015-12-30 at 4.27.36 pmscreen shot 2015-12-30 at 4.32.13 pm

By now, we have all seen the latest Jesus Money/tip that has gone viral. Quickly: A 17-year-old waiter in Wichita, Kansas named Garret Wayman got all excited when he saw what he thought was a $20 bill for his tip, but then he has his dreams crushed when he realized it was one of those shitty Christian pamphlets talking about the glory of Jesus Christ. It’s happened to all of us and it sucks heavenly angel balls. I used to have a pretty good relationship with Jesus back when I was in high school and trying to pray the gay away. (Spoiler alert: that prayer went unanswered.) Anyhoo, I thought I would reach out to Jesus to see how He felt about Christians who use this method to spread His word and He was very eager to speak with me.

Bitchy Waiter: Thanks for taking the time out to speak with me, I know you’re a busy guy.

Jesus Christ: How did you get my number?

BW: You’re not the only one who works in mysterious ways ways, my friend.

JC: Touché, touché.

BW: So I guess you know that it’s kind of a problem when Christians use that fake money thing to make it look like a tip, right? How do you feel about that?

JC: Oh, man, that royally pisses me off. Look, I don’t appreciate when people do that because all it does is make them look bad and me look worse. No where in the Bible does it say anything about not tipping servers. Was it one of those that said something like “There are things more valuable than money?”

BW: Yes, exactly.

JC: Right, I’m sorry about that. Yeah, there are things that are more valuable than money, like the love of your family and the everlasting joy you get from letting me into your heart, but let’s be honest: you can’t pay your bills with everlasting joy, am I right? The people who leave those notes are cheap and just trying to find any kind of reason to not leave a tip. They don’t leave money in the collection plate either.

BW: Can’t you do something about them? It’s really unfair to servers.

JC: I could smite them up side their head and banish them to hell, would that help?

BW: That would be awesome! Really?

JC: No! I’m Jesus Christ, for crying out loud. I can’t do that, I was kidding.

BW: Well, can you speak with them then?

JC: Maybe. Hopefully, me doing this interview with you will be enough and I won’t have to talk to them all personally. To be honest, once I speak to those types of Christians, they get all weird and want to start telling people I told them them things that I never said. You know what I mean, right?

BW: Got it. So what do you want them to know?

JC: Behold: if you are going to leave a pamphlet about me and my dad for your server, that’s fine, but you have to leave a tip too. Otherwise, you’re an asshole. There, I said it.

BW: Thanks so much, Jesus. It’s been a while since we’ve talked and it’s good to catch up.

JC: Nice to hear from you too. By the way, are you still gay?

BW: Yes, I am. I spent 1984 to 1986 trying not to be. You got a problem with that?

JC: No, I don’t. That’s how my dad made you and I totally don’t care who you love. Me hating gay people is just another one of those things that people are always saying that I never said. Jeez, some Christians are just awful.

And there you have it, folks. Straight from the Jesus’ mouth.

25 thoughts on “Jesus Speaks: Bible Pamphlet Tip’s Are Not Cool

  1. Kelley

    I love this post in so many ways! I want to print it and keep it for reference as my kids and I pass through this wacky life! I love your conversation with Jesus!
    So, it’s interesting to me that that the deceptive person/people who printed this counterfeit $20 didn’t include a copyright or website or any other identifying information. I’d actually really love to get one of these bill-propoganda amalgams to use as a springboard to teach my kids about the people who lie and pose as religious or Godly people.
    Once I was just minding my own business walking across a parking lot with my Krispy Kreme coffee. This carload of people pulls up next to me and the lady says through the window, “Can I give you this pamphlet about Christ” or something. I said no thanks. She seemed offended and they drove off. I thought – what made them target me?? Did I look sad or lost? Actually I was super content as it was my day off from work. All I could surmise is that they saw my “what would Scooby do?” bumper sticker and took offense. I never have the presence of mind or quickness of wit to call these types of people out the moment they pounce. Later I thought that I should have discussed with them how their approach to contacting me is much like how a predator tries to lure a child to his/her car. But they were long gone before I came to that realization.
    Anyways! Love you, Bitchy Waiter!!!

  2. dlambert

    I,ve gotten Jesus pamphlets… but I’ve never seen this fake 20!! That is HORRIBLE!! What a thoughtful interview with Jesus! Thanks for making me smile!

  3. David Cowling

    Hell, I don’t care if you’re gay or not. I doubt Jesus does either. If you work in the biz, you work with gay people. Ican only think of one guy i didnt like, and no one else liked him either. This isn’t about that. If someone leaves a fake tip, they aren’t a Christian or a decent human being (for my atheist friends) They are a cheap scumbag who should be horse whipped.

  4. Jacob Caywood

    Here’s the deal; those Christians that leave those and/or only top10% justify their cheapness based on the tithe principle of giving10% of your worth to the church. Claiming some rhetoric about “I only give10% to God why would give a mere mortal a 20% tip?” What they fail to realize is that God wants 10% of your total worth, so by that logic I’ll gladly take only 1% of your total worth instead of 20% of this bill.
    Sadly confronting them on this issue usually results in looking for another job.

  5. Fafaflunkie

    I’m not American, but even I can tell immediately when a scam like this comes around: the back of that $20 sure looks ancient. The Fed has tried updating their notes to make them look somewhat modern. And if you see what you saw hiding under the salt shaker, well, at least the cheap asshole was kind enough to give you the required grains to take his/her “tip” with. Even more reason to consider atheism.

  6. Tim

    To bad a good shtick had to be ruined by some idioti Pro homosexual BS. God wrote the natural law and inscribed it in the minds of all god thinkers. The only “Gay”people he created were some Cabineros… Three if I’m not mistaken.. Homos should grow up and smell the coffee. Acting on the persuasions that Homo;s act on is derived from a selfish naivete’!

    1. Chris Chandler

      Tim thinks he’s a “god thinker” and one of the chosen ones and “god” took the time to inscribe some “natural law ” in his “mind.” Educated people know what he is describing, it’s called “schizophrenia.”

    2. Sharon

      Dang, I hate it when someone like Tim posts something that messes with my old lady brain. A POX ON YOU, TIM! A pox, a hex, and a voodoo vengeance!

      But, I swear I don’t mean that in a bad way.

    3. Deb

      Yeah, pro-homosexual, you tool. Like I didn’t have friends seeing shrinks for ‘Catholic Guilt Syndrome’ who tried to pray away the gay and realized that Jesus loved them when they loved themselves. Like I didn’t have friends, relatives, coming out, some trying to kill themselves in some cases since their families and assholes like you hated them so deeply. Selfish? You smell the coffee and grow a heart and soul already.

  7. Marylou

    I don’t know if he would say this by exact words but he does say something about deceit and false pretence and fake money is deceitful and false and it’s hurtful for those who work for fake money and only need 20more for that cut off notice on their light bill. Just a thought here.

  8. Alan

    I love that first line in the first paragraph:

    “Things and people will disappoint you.”

    Yeah, like the chucklefuck who left that Jesus money in the first place, for instance!

  9. Sharon

    Funniest thing I have ever seen on tv is a cartoon on PBS about the televangelist, Robert Tilton. Tilton was all “blah blah blah” and Jesus came down with an AK-47 in each hand and blasted Tilton of the face of the earth.
    It was entertaining.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *