Monthly Archives: March 2015

Servers Read Their Own Bad Yelp Reviews

fuck this noise

fuck this noise

Anyone who works in the restaurant industry shares the same feeling about Yelp: it sucks ass. Whiny, self-entitled, pricks of customers who are disappointed with their food or service can log on and let the world know how they feel about their experience.

 

Behold, real servers, bartenders, managers and cooks read their own bad Yelp reviews. Truly brilliant.

Man Burned By Fajitas As He Prays Can’t Sue Applebee’s

Yeah, it’s hot, asshole.

It seems like only yesterday that I wrote about a woman who was trying to sue a restaurant for having her feelings hurt when she was dining alone on Valentine’s Day. It seems that in the United States of Lawyers, people will try anything to hit the Lawsuit Jackpot but this week a man got a big fat zero when he tried to sue Applebee’s for damages he suffered from a sizzling fajita plate.

A few years ago, Hiram Jimenez and his brother Rafael ordered some steak fajitas at an Applebee’s in Burlington County. After the waitress set down the steaming, smoking, sizzling plate of seared meats onto the table, Hiram decided to bow his head over the smoldering cast iron skillet that was billowing plumes of smoke, in order to give thanks for all the gifts that God had bestowed upon him. As he was praying, God decided to remind Jimenez that his face was mere inches away from a major heat source and He had some hot oil sizzle its way onto his eye and face. Of course Jimenez thought, “Get thee back, Satan!” and he knocked the fiery, scalding plate of food onto his lap, burning him some more.

Jimenez decided to sue Applebee’s because the waitress did not warn him that the fajitas were hot. Well, a state appeals court ruled that he could not collect damages and dismissed the case claiming that the danger from the plate was “open and obvious” and that it was his own fault for putting his face so close to the food. “Here, the danger posed by a plate of sizzling hot food was self-evident,” the two-judge panel ruled.

I reached out to the state appeals panel of New Jersey (no, I didn’t) to see if they would be willing to comment on the situation and they happily responded with this totally real and not made up at all statement which should be read out loud in your best Jersey accent:

“Dis guy was a complete idiot, ya know? Who the fuck looks at a scorching plate of fajitas that is hotter than a thousand suns and decides to bow his head over it to pray? We hope he was praying to grow a few more brain cells because he’s a stupid fuck. Even though we cannot be sure that the waitress told this asshole that the plate was hot, we kind of assume that people will get it if the waitress is carrying the plate with a pot holder and it has more steam shooting off of it than Old Faithful on a cold winter morning. I mean c’mon, it’s called ‘sizzling fajitas,’ you know? We ain’t got no problem with him praying, we just take issue with him trying to blame the restaurant for bringing him hot food. This is the same trash bag that probably would have sent his fajitas back if they weren’t hot enough. We commend Applebee’s for bringing out the food exactly as it was described: sizzling. If a little bit of burning oil made its way onto this dickwad’s face, so be it. Maybe next time he’ll really think about how close he wants to put his ugly mug to white-hot meat. As for him knocking the plate onto his lap, that’s his own damn fault. And before he gets any ideas, Applebee’s ain’t gonna pay for his dry cleaning either, so get the fuck over it, dick.”

When reached for a comment, God released the following statement:

“Dear sweet member of my flock, while I appreciate that you were giving thanks unto me me, please use the brain I put into your head. Fajita skillets are hot, sweet child o’ mine; hotter than the depths of hell and that heat shall smite you upside your head. Use caution when praying, for you are dumb, but I still love you. Jesus, however, wants you to know he’s not so sure how he feels about you right now.  He’s on the fence. Peace out. Love one another.”

And there you have it.

Thank you to everyone who sent me this story, including the wonder known as Marlene.

Lonely Woman Sues Restaurant for $100K

So sad to be all alone in the world.

So sad to be all alone in the world.

Poor, poor Kathleen Hampton. She went to dinner alone on Valentine’s Day in Portland, Oregon and somehow decided that she deserved $100,000 so she’s suing them.

According to Oregon Live, she made a reservation for two at Enzo’s Caffe Italiano but she showed up alone because her husband was still full from lunch and decided not to go. She claims that as a party of one on Valentine’s Day, she was ignored by the staff and “not getting any services” and that when she was ready to order, the waitress told her she had to get on out of there so they could use the table for someone else. Restaurant owner Enzo Lanzadoro says that they offered to seat her at the bar where all the other single and lonely types were eating but she just got up and left, not paying for two glasses of wine. Now this woman wants $100,000 and a public apology “to make sure all business owners on N.E. Alberta know we are serious about our community.” Ummm, what the fuck does that even mean? She also says that she was “devastated” and “cried for a day” over how she was treated. Oh, and she’s representing herself in court because everyone knows that when you have a stupid as fuck court case and you’re nuttier than a bag of honey roasted peanuts, the best thing to do is to pretend you’re a lawyer and represent yourself.

Where to start? Where. To. Start.

First off, let’s question whether or not she even has a husband. What kind of asshole do you have to be to blow off Valentine’s dinner with your wife because you’re “too full?” Maybe Kathleen is single and simply made a reservation for two because she knew the restaurant would not accept a reservation for one. Or maybe she does have a husband, but he was in the shop that day getting his seams reinforced and a slow leak sealed since she had almost popped him earlier that week when she cuddled with him too hard while watching Grey’s Anatomy. If the restaurant owner is telling the truth, then Kathleen got two glasses of wine for free that night which is more than her “husband” got for her so she should be grateful.

Perhaps her husband is a real life actual human being who really was too full to eat dinner because he ordered a really large burrito at Chipotle that day. Maybe they were supposed to meet at the restaurant but he called her from his cell phone as he sat on the toilet and said, “Yeah, I’m not gonna make it, but this dump is gonna be a good one. Have a good night and I’ll see you when you get home. Take your time. Love ya, mean it.” Kathleen was already in the parking lot so she decided to go on in and as she sat there watching all the other lovebirds enjoying their meal, the realization hit her that her marriage is a piece of crap. After two glasses of wine, she decided that if she couldn’t get happiness from her spouse, then maybe she could buy some with the money she got from suing a restaurant.

I did a little bit more research (Google search…) and came across a a news story on Portland’s KOIN where she was interviewed with her husband and it turns out he is NOT a blow up doll or a giant pillow with a face drawn on it in Sharpie. She’s been married for thirty years to a man named Percy. She claims that being asked to leave her table for two and move to the Lonely Hearts Club section of the bar was awful and she had “never ever been so embarrassed and humiliated in my life,” obviously forgetting about the time she bought that ugly ass sofa she’s sitting on during the interview. She also says that the reason she was asked to leave was because of her race. “It was all caucasions up in there.” Ummm, Kathleen, it’s “Valentimes” Day and you’re sitting at a two-top with your purse sitting on the other chair. Chairs and tables are real estate and the restaurant is there to make some money. You’re butt hurt at the restaurant when you should really be kicking Percy’s ass for leaving you to eat alone on the most romantic day of the year.

 

 

 

She cried for a day, but what was the real reason for the tears? Was it because of the way she perceived the restaurant treated her or could it have been because her husband was an asshole? We will probably never know because this is one of those news stories that you hear about once and then it fades away forever, much like Kathleen’s memories of when Valentine’s Day was a special occasion.

The moral of the story is this: if you’re going to eat in a restaurant alone on Valentine’s Day, you will probably have a bad time for some reason or another. Married or not, Valentine’s Day is hardly ever what it’s all cracked up to be.

 

 

IHOP’s National Pancake Day = Horrible Customers

Eat those pancakes, bitch.

Can we all just take a minute to send out some love and support to our fellow servers who were working at IHOP yesterday? As you may know, yesterday was National Pancake Day and it’s when IHOP gives out stacks and stacks of free pancakes. In exchange for getting free pancakes, customers are asked to donate to Children’s Miracle Network or other charities associated with IHOP. The chain started this fundraising campaign in 2006 and have since raised almost $16 million.

Having never worked at IHOP, I can only guess, but yesterday has to be the most awful and jacked up day of the entire year to work there. I bet it’s like if you you take Mother’s Day and combine it with Easter and then cram it in between two buttermilk pancakes and smother them with blueberry compote, Karo syrup and rage. I’m sure there plenty of wonderful customers who were happy to take advantage of the day, but reassured there were some cheap ass bitches too. And that’s who I want to focus on.

Those servers are busting their syrup covered asses off all day and even though the breakfast might be free, it does not mean it’s alright to not tip or that it’s okay to take advantage of the generosity of IHOP. I found two wonderful examples of some of the slime that slithered into a booth yesterday and showed their true ugly colors.

Offender #1 is some pseudo-bad ass on Twitter named Uncle Milton who bragged about not tipping his waiter:

 

The second offender is this low-life girl who ordered a bunch of pancakes only so she could wrap them up in a napkin and drop them into her purse. After all, “It’s free, we takin’ it” is the matra when it comes to giving to charity, is it not? The only thing more annoying than her behavior is the guy who is filming it and saying “naahhhh” over and over again. Seriously, shut the fuck up. We don’t know whether or not they left a tip for their server, but let’s give them the benefit of the doubt and pretend they left 20%.

 

 

Thank you, IHOP servers for suffering through National Pancake Day. I’m sure lots of money was raised for charity, but I certainly hope that enough customers tipped you to make that living hell all worth it.

 

 

Customer Leaves Passive Aggressive Note Instead of a Tip

Bitch, please.

Bitch, please.

Sometimes when we servers get a bad tip, we never know what it was that kept the customer from reaching into their deep pockets with their short arms. Too often we are left wondering if it was something we did or if that person is one of those people who doesn’t “believe in tipping.” I was recently sent a photo of a note from a server who was stiffed, but his customer decided to make it a teaching moment and left him a very detailed explanation of why there was no tip.

Dear William,

We would have loved to leave you a bit (sic) fat tip as we usually do with great service. That is not, however, what we received. We found the following items on which you should improve to meet the 4-star service that guests expect.

  1. You didn’t tell us your name when you first came to the table.
  2. You often disappeared.
  3. Our appetizers took forever-you should have come to reassure us that they were on their way.
  4. My husband’s drink ran seriously low for a long time, twice.
  5. After we received our food we didn’t hear from you until I had finished.

Hope this helps. 🙂

This note is 50 shades of what the fuck and I feel the need to go over it, line by line, so I can truly understand what she is trying to say:

We would have loved to leave you a bit fat tip as we usually do with great service. Stop right there, lady. Anyone who says they normally leave a big (assuming “big”and not “bit”) fat tip hardly ever leaves a big fat tip. The people who say that are the same people who scrutinize every step of their meal in order to find flaws so they can deduct from the generous tip they were supposedly prepared to give. Any time someone implies they are a big tipper, every server worth his salt automatically prepares himself for 10% or less because that is what it almost always is. I bet the only time this woman ever got close to a big fat tip was when she was in the back seat of her car on her prom night.

We found the following items on which you should improve to meet the 4-star that guests expect. Who does this bitch think she is, Professor Henry Higgins? I know my vowels, I knew before I came. She gives me the impression that she had a little chart with her at the table that she was constantly taking notes on.

You didn’t tell us your name when you first came to the table. No, maybe William didn’t say his name because he isn’t required to. Not every restaurant makes their servers do that. Or maybe he doesn’t want his customers to know his name. I wonder if this customer introduces herself to every single server she has. Maybe William was wearing a name tag and he made the assumption that his customers could read it. This is not a good reason to stiff a server.

You often disappeared. Of course he disappeared on occasion because he was attending to other tables and going into the kitchen. Unless this woman has x-ray vision and can peer through walls, she would not see him when he was in the kitchen grabbing plates and running food, she would not see him when he was in the sidestand ringing in orders and she would not see him when he had to take three minutes off the floor to relieve his bladder. Just because she can’t see him does not mean he “disappeared.” Or I wonder if this woman expected him to stand at her table the whole time she was there so he would be able to attend to her every beck and call and help feed her and wipe her mouth for her.

Our appetizers took forever-you should have come to reassure us that they were on their way. Why would he need to reassure her that the food is coming? If a customer orders food, most servers don’t feel the need to go back to a table and say “Hey, you know that food you ordered because you wanted it to come to your table? Well, I ordered it and it will eventually be coming to your table.” The assumption when you order food is that it will come. Trust us, we want it to be there just as badly as you do. The sooner you can inhale those apps, the sooner we can bring your entree and the sooner we can give you the check so you can get the fuck out out and we can turn over the table to make more money. And what is “forever” anyway? I bet it took less than fifteen minutes but it just seemed like forever because she hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast when she devoured some Beggin’ Strips a Greenie and a rawhide bone.

My husband’s drink ran seriously low for a long time, twice. Since she doesn’t say that the glass was ever empty, it seems to me that William did his job. Twice. And if a glass gets “seriously” low, what kind of consequences will the husband have to suffer through? Swollen tongue? Dehydration? This is exactly the kind of flaw that I was referring to that some customers will look for as an excuse to deduct from the tip. Maybe the glass got so slow because he had disappeared into the kitchen to inquire about the appetizers that were taking “forever.”

After we received our food we didn’t hear from you until I had finished. Sorry, William, but I’m on her side for this point. Every server, no matter how busy, needs to make sure they do the “two-minute check back” to see that customers are satisfied with their food. It irritates the hell out of me when I am at a restaurant and the server drops the food off and does not come back to my table until it’s time to give me the check. Still, I don’t stiff them for it.

Hope this helps. ☺ We know this customer isn’t really trying to help William. And the little smiley face at the end of the note is a passive aggressive dick move if I ever saw one. The only reason she wrote this note was to justify her cheap ass not leaving a tip. There is no way in hell she did it to help William become a better sever.

Let’s hope that this customer sees this blog someday and will know what we all think of her stupid little note. Next time, lady, just stiff your server like you always do and move on. The little note isn’t going to make your waiter appreciate you or think of you more highly. Note or no note, the server will think the same thing about you: cheap bitch.