All Ranch Dressing Restaurant to Open; Springs1 Explodes

Ranch dressing!

Ranch dressing!

Somewhere in this world, Springs1 just had to change her panties because she squirted all over them when she heard about a new restaurant opening in St Louis called Twisted RAnCh where it’s a Ranch dressing bukkake party up in there all the time.

Jim Hayden and Chad Allen are opening the restaurant in June and according to the website every single thing on the menu uses the “fastest growing condiment and best-selling salad dressing.” That’s right, it’s “always fresh, always delicious and always twisted with Ranch.” Of course it will be a huge success because Ranch dressing. Now if they can only figure out a way to make every table in the restaurant a booth that has it’s own control for the air conditioning and the music that plays, no one will ever want to leave.

The menu proclaims they have 18 different varieties of Ranch dressing which is about 17 more than I knew existed. I’ll be honest here and admit that Cheesy Bacon Ranch awakens a part of my brain that hasn’t been used since 1984 when I would go to Mr. Gatti’s in high school and dip my pepperoni slice into a cup of Ranch dressing. I’m not proud of that behavior, but it’s in my past. The restaurant also has one called Southwest Ranch that must have jalepenos in it and I don’t even want to know what’s in the Thai Ranch. Perusing their menu, I see a few things that I would be willing to taste provided they have a full bar for me to wash it down with. Fried Pickle Chips breaded in ranch-seasoned panko and served with chipotle ranch? Yes. Chicken Bacon Flatbread on a ranch-seasoned crust topped with ranch white sauce, chicken, bacon and Mozzarella cheese? Yes, please. Toasted ravioli stuffed with beef and pork and served with marina ranch? Fuck yes, please.

For those of who don’t know who Springs1 is, she is a mysterious crazy lady on the Internet who spouts off insane diatribes about what she believes should be happening in restaurants. Her favorite keys on the keyboard are the cap lock and the exclamation point and she obsesses on Ranch dressing. She has a history of of finding blogs like this one and then commandeering the comments section ranting and raving about how she has been mistreated in restaurants. Her blogs are pure crazy. No one is sure of her true identity, but I have a pretty good idea after some investigative research. When I contacted her to see if she was the illusive Springs1, she denied it, but her comments suddenly stopped appearing on my blog. I also have her blocked now so no matter how hard she tries, she cannot comment on this page. However, I wondered what her thoughts would be on this Ranch dressing restaurant and since I can’t know for certain, I have decided to write what I imagine her thoughts would be:

I HAVE FOUND my favorite restaurant of all time.!1!!1 It’s called Twisted *****RANCH***** and it MAKES my HIDDEN valley moist.!111! (That’s WHAT I CALL MY vagina: hidden valley.)!!11! I CANNOT WAIT to TRY it and even THOUGHT it DOES not open *****UNTIL****** June, I have already looked at the menu and decided what I WILL order: everything.!!1!!!11 Seriously, THIS place sounds so good that I may have to buy a house next DOOR so ****I****** can eat there EVERY day until my arteries get harder THAN my nipples are right now JUST thinking about Cheesy Ranch Potato Bake.!1!!! ******I**** only hope that the ******SERVER**** knows how to treat ME AND *****DOESN’T***** MAKE me MAD.!1!1!! THAT WOULD BE very upsetting because usually IF I ****DON’T**** like *****A**** waiter, I stop GOING to the restaurant, but I WILL never stop going TO this one.!!!11 IT’S ALL Ranch.!1!1! Ummm, HELLO????!??!!! It’s like MY favorite *****FOOD**** of all time and I will do anything to eat at it.!!1!!!! IT’S like my PRAYERS TO Jesus have FINALLY BEEN ******ANSWERED.******!!!111!! June cannot come soon enough.!11!1!

19 thoughts on “All Ranch Dressing Restaurant to Open; Springs1 Explodes

  1. Heather

    I think she’s currently yelling at me over at your second installment on the my five cents page. It appears I’ve touched a nerve by mentioning ranch dressing. Those are a lot of words she’s yelling at me right now. Evidently smart shoppers get in ten refills prior to meal service.

  2. Kim

    I realize I’m late to the party but I just read some of those blog entries and seriously can’t believe it’s real life. She worked at a donut shop, you guys, she knows what she’s doing.

  3. Carol

    Was flipping around in City Data and ran into one of Spring’s posts. Read it with dropped jaw while lmao. Bet every
    restaurant in the world is praying she never shows up. One of the commenters put in a link to here and now I can’t stop laughing at all!!!

    My jaw is sore

  4. Ashley

    Why did you introduce this to my life? It physically hurts to read this woman’s blog posts, but it’s like some train wreck where you just can’t look away, lol.

  5. Headset Hellion

    OMG, this is the best. I just took a trip down memory lane and re-read a few of her blogs. There’s an incident involving some chili cheese fries that she’s been complaining about since at least 2007. Her last blog was in Sept 2014. Seven years. She’s been seething with rage over some french fries for seven years.

    She probably has wet dreams about ranch dressing, but damn…she seems to be obsessed with condiments in general.

  6. Paulina

    That woman is still around? I read the first few lines of one of her blog entries and just could not continue. (Normally, this only happens when I read something written by one of my supervisors.)

  7. Audrey

    That lady is psycho! She’s just one of those guests you simply can’t please. I skimmed through her posts and I was reading them with my mouth open in shock. Definitely just ignorant as to how the world functions around her.

  8. CritterCherry

    I saw the link and thought it would be funny to read some of Spring1’s blog posts. My mistake. I had forgotten just how long and awful her rants were. It was a short walk down memory lane.

    I’m going to take a bath in acid so I can feel clean again.

  9. Kylie

    I read like two of her blogs and it thoroughly pissed me off. Fuck that bitch. I’m so mad and I hate her and people like that. My hard work is not worth the dollar tip she leaves.

  10. Barreleh

    The premise sounds like some huge company is desperate for a tax write-off.
    ‘Well, gosh, marketing thought an all-ranch dressing restaurant couldn’t miss! I guess that means we have to claim a 6-figure loss. Boo hoo.’

  11. Susan

    She’ll still hate the place because the poor unsuspecting waitstaff will bring her a refill she DIDN’T ASK FOR!!!! There by ruining her entire dining experience.

  12. Greg

    OMG She really is bat-shit crazy!

    “One time I ordered 4 sides of ranch with my salad and mozzarella sticks that I ordered as my meal. The waiter said “You know it’s a small salad” after I told him I wanted 4 sides of ranch. I ended up telling him I like the ranch with the mozzarella sticks as well as the salad. He should ONLY be taking down my order, that’s IT, unless he is confused about what I have said. I SHOUDLN’T have to EXPLAIN WHY OR CHANGE MY ORDER ACCORDING TO HIS OPINION. IT’S NOT WANTED OR NEEDED! WHY WASTE MY TIME AND EVERYONE ELSE’S FOR SOMETHING THAT’S NOT THE SERVER’S PLACE TO CHANGE MY MIND WHEN I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF ORDERING?”

  13. jarzmom

    Holy Moly is that woman ever crazy. I had forgotten how nutty she is and how loooooooooong her rants could be! Wow.


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