Cucumber is the New Lemon


Forgive the inactivity on this blog of late, but I am living through a bathroom renovation and it is making me want to stab my own eyes out. Every day, I have strange men in my bathroom doing things that I don’t understand and it leaves me feeling dirty and disgusted. (That sounded totally dirty…) Between that and preparing for the LIVE BITCHY WAITER SHOW, things are kinda nuts. So, yes, this is a re-post. Thanks.  -BW


There is a new trend sweeping the country that is going to affect servers everywhere. It is truly horrible. In a never-ending attempt to stay cool, hip, forward and chic, restaurants have started to do something that will make people feel like they are eating at some fancy ass restaurant or spa instead of their local Applebee’s or Chili’s. We have all dealt with the limes in the Coronas and the lemons in the Diet Cokes and now it seems it is becoming popular to put cucumbers into glasses of water. Dear Lord in Margaritaville and all things holy, please say this isn’t happening.I have had cucumber water and you know what? It tastes like fucking cucumber water. It was given to me once when I went to get a massage. You know the routine. The spa attendant hands you your robe and points you in the direction of where to go slip it on along with some paper flip-flops and she says, “Would you like anything to drink, sir?” I answered water and the next thing I knew there was a big glass of chilled water in my hand and it had a goddamn fucking cucumber floating in it. First off, a spa should have been offering me some wine, but that’s a different matter. I drank the cucumber water, but for me it had entirely too much of a vegetable-serving taste for me to thoroughly enjoy it.

Why don’t I want this disturbing trend to continue? Allow me to explain. Servers already have enough to do before the restaurant opens and I do not want “slicing cucumbers” to be one more thing on the ever-growing list of opening sidework. Isn’t enough that people want lemon in their water and cherries in their Cokes and olives in their martinis? Let’s leave the cucumber out of it. Besides, I am vehemently opposed to all things vegetable and I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone would want to put one in their H20. It was probably some fancy snooty bitch who first tried it.

Lady: Excuse me, waiter, but do you have any cucumber sandwiches? I missed my afternoon tea time and I am simply dying for one.

Waiter: No, ma’am. We don’t have any cucumber sandwiches.

Lady: And please cut off the crusts first. I cannot stand crusts on my cucumber sandwiches.

Waiter: Yeah, we don’t have any cucumber sandwiches.

Lady: And place it on a lace doily, please. Don’t you agree that everything tastes better when it is served on a lace doily?

Waiter: Um, yeah. I’d put your cucumber sandwich on a doily if we had cucumbers sandwiches and doilies, but we don’t. Would you like to try our our Buffalo Wing Quesadilla Pizza Potato Pie instead?

Lady: Just the cucumber sandwich on the doily, thanks.

The waiter heads to the kitchen and is all, “This crazy lady thinks I’m gonna make her a fucking cucumber sandwich. Hey, Salad Guy, hand me a cucumber slice, will ya? I’ll show her what I think about her fucking cucumber sandwich.” He takes it to the bar and pours a glass of water and then drops the cucumber into it. He goes to the snooty lady. He puts on his biggest shit-eating grin and places the glass onto the table.

Waiter: My most sincere apologies but at this time our chef is unable to prepare your cucumber sandwich and I just used my last doily when I served an English Tea biscuit to the Queen of England sitting at booth #4. However, I took the liberty of placing a fresh slice of cucumber into a glass of our finest purified water. I hope you enjoy it.

Lady: (takes a sip) This is delicious! This is my favorite beverage of all time; it’s so light and refreshing! I’m going to have this from now on at every restaurant I ever eat in and I am also going to encourage every lady I know to do the same thing. Thank you, waiter. Will you please get cucumber slices for everyone else in my party right away??

The waiter mentally stabs himself in his heart because he knows he has just created a cucumber monster who will carry on this ridiculous notion to other waiters across the land.

If someone asks you for cucumber water, JUST SAY NO.

16 thoughts on “Cucumber is the New Lemon

  1. Marie

    We always have to have rolled cucumber slices on hand for Hendricks Gins so it’s not that much more effort and it tastes good

  2. Laura

    Hmm. Never asked for it in a restaurant but this isn’t uncommon at all is it? Water (or tonic water) with lots of ice, cucumber and mint leaves is my favourite. I work in a bar and they are really picky about what fruits you use in drinks so I guess I’m sorta used to it so wouldn’t really think too much about it, you have to use cucumber with Hendrix anyway, grapefruit with tanquaray, strawberries/juniper berries/lemon/lime/orange slices with various gins, lime for anything with coke and lemon in any clear drinks (except Bacardi which gets lemon even when it’s with coke). Ridiculously anal but when you have to do it everyday it doesn’t really bother me lol. It’s already prepped so whatever floats your boat. This is in England though. So it could get worse for you ha!

  3. lallaw

    This is the second time, after reading your posts, that I laughed so hard, for so long, that I both woke up the dog and made my husband get up from his computer to see if I was choking. God bless you. ( Because I’m sure you are wondering: “Would you like to try our Buffalo Wing Quesadilla Pizza Potato Pie instead?” ….and, all the Doreen posts).

  4. Nitya

    I don’t do cucumbers in water, but I -am- a fan of lemons in my Diet Coke/Pepsi. I lived in Europe for several years, where one could purchase tins of Diet Coke with lemon. I fell in love with that combination over there, and, when I returned to the States, was dismayed it wasn’t available here. I apologise in advance for requesting lemon wedges to squeeze and insert into my Diet Coke.

  5. Ash

    I hope “anonymous” reads the stories better than he reads the disclaimer…
    Its the BATHROOM that’s getting renovated not the kitchen…

    1. SlumSlut

      Best. Ansr. Evar.

      People actually do drink the water that comes with pickles, too.

      But I bet you prob’ly already knew that!

  6. SlumSlut

    If you want the health or nutritional benefits of “cucumber water”, just eat cucumbers, FFS. They are like 99% water already.

  7. theblonde

    I despise this new trend. Cucumber water does have some benefits, but only if you let it soak at least overnight. So if I just toss a slice in a water and bring it over, you’re just… drinking water.

  8. John P

    I actually like cucumber water =(
    But I do it at home, not in a restaurant.
    Its bad enough that idiots ask for lemon water. There is a reason that buffets were the ones that started the trend, it makes you feel full so you eat less.

  9. PJ

    Can everybody stop with the flavored/infused waters? Apparently, I’m the only person in the world that likes plain water. No lemon, etc. I hate that people ask for all these because now it’s common place and I have to specify that I don’t need lemon. Screw those guys! They should have to ask for lemon…This is not the point of this article…


    Ugh! Cucumbers are like crunchy water with a hint of freshly mowed grass. The ever increasing popularity of this beverage goes hand in hand with the anti-glutenators… I don’t understand what the attraction is…other than high maintenance specifications to sound exquisit. I slang burgers and cocktails, and the distance people go to make their order sound fancy stupefies me! I informed the first person to request this simply that we don’t offer that. Long story short, the cook went to another restaurant to get the precious phallic tuber. Apparently, they had it once and can no longer quench their thirst with regular H2O. For the love of all that is holy, give me all your glutens and boring water, shut the fuck up, and if you’re such a water conossieur big shot, you most certainly can tip like one, right? Oh, I guess not. Douche mongers….

  11. Christine

    The various commons at the university where I work always have some type of flavored water. Lemon is the least objectionable, followed by any other citrus. Pear, apple, or cucumber suck. And I love cucumbers – but not in my water.

  12. Erin

    …I like cucumber water. With lemon and ginger.

    But I would never expect it at a restaurant. That’s just weird.


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