Earlier this week, a video made it onto the Interwebs showing a giant aquarium that had sprung a leak at a Downtown Disney restaurant and was gushing out more liquid than the amniotic fluid that flows from Michelle Duggar’s vag after her 28th childbirth. Disney officials say the leak was small but after seeing the video, I would say it’s only small in relation to an extra large order of Nachos Grande from Bennigan’s in 1989, which was gi-normous. According to reports, the restaurant was not closed down. Thank God, that the restaurant didn’t lose any revenue because that’s what’s important here, folks. Hundreds of fish swimming along minding their own business who are suddenly in peril? Ahh, who cares about them? Well, luckily for you (not really) I came across the last written moments of one of those little fish. When he spotted the leak, he quickly put on his thinking fins, grabbed a piece of seaweed and a pen filled with squid ink and wrote out his final thoughts:
Oh dear, things don’t look good here, no, not at all. I was just swimming along in this big tank at the T-Rex Cafe trying to avoid that guppy who I mated with last weekend when all of a sudden I see something that no fish in an aquarium ever wants to see. No, I’m not talking about the crack in the glass that just opened up and sucked out ten of my best friends. I’m talking about this Finding Nemo wannabe-bitch on the other side of the tank who is trying to steal my thunder. Just because she looks like Nemo doesn’t mean she is Nemo. I was in the damn movie, not her. Maybe I was just an extra in that scene where the sharks are chasing the school of fish, but I was actually in the film. And then this bitch shows up in the tank and just and because she looks like Nemo, she thinks her fish shit don’t stink. I hate that Lola bitch. But I digress…
Yes, there is a huge crack in the fish tank and I just saw three more of my friends get sucked out and tossed to the floor. This ain’t good. This is the most horrifying thing I have seen in the T-Rex Cafe since three months ago when I saw my great Aunt Linda served as the special of the day. There she was on a plate next to some Israeli cous cous and brocolini, head on and staring at me with her cold dead eyes. The worst thing was that the lady who ordered Aunt Linda didn’t know she was going to be served head on and when she started to eat her, one of Aunt Linda’s eyeballs popped out and rolled onto the floor right under table 207. Since none of these lazy servers ever sweep, it stayed there and I had to look at that eyeball for three weeks.
Okay, the water is getting really low in this tank and no one is doing anything about it except pulling out their iPhones and taking pictures of it. On the bright side, I see Lola getting closer and closer to the crack and with any luck she will be the next one sucked out and will die a slow torturous death drowning in air. Meanwhile, I see a tourist complaining that his martini got fish tank water in it and he specifically ordered his martini extra dry. Real funny, asshole. Fish are dying here.
Annnd there goes Lola! Buh, bye, bitch. At least one good thing will come out of this. This tank wasn’t big enough for the both of us. Okay, honestly, the current is getting really strong and I think I am about to get sucked out too. Why, Neptune, why? Is this how my life will end? I spend my days stuck in a fucking fish tank at a goddamn Disney World tourist trap restaurant and if that isn’t bad enough, I have to die on the floor? At least I had my fifteen minutes of fame in Finding Nemo.
Oh no, this is it! I’m so close to the crack. Just keep on swimming, keep on swimming! I can barely hold on to my pen. Good bye cruel world! I’m coming Aunt Linda, I’m coming. I can’t swim any longer. Oh no! Oh my god…OH MY GOD—-