I may need to have my Psychic Friends card revoked and take Dionne Warwick off my speed dial, because some predictions I made a couple of days ago did not come true. I repeat: they did not come true. Despite wearing my best Valerie “Rhoda” Harper scarf and trying to look like a fortune teller gypsy, my powers failed me. I predicted that my job would call me about not showing up for a shift that I had clearly told them I was unable to make due to my other job. It had already happened with another shift because of a communication breakdown (in other words, somebody didn’t read their email). But behold, I did not get a phone call asking me where I was. Either the management team finally read my email or they decided to fire my ass and I just don’t know about it yet. Either way, my prediction failed miserably. The other vision I had was that of me having a citrus martini at the end of the night. That too failed to come to fruition when I instead had a glass of pinot grigio because I was too lazy to do anything other than pour from an already opened bottle of wine.
Maybe my psychic powers have gone. I certainly hope not, because I still play the lottery numbers that I dreamed about 23 years ago and I know that someday they are going to come up. I still visit my local psychic reader, and have Psychic Readings on a regular basis. Yolanda Vega is going to whisper those six sweet digits into her microphone and they will be handing over one of those gigantic checks made out to The Bitchy Waiter. I will now look into the bottom of my cup of tea and read the leaves to see what else I see in the near future. These are my latest predictions:
- Bristol Palin will win Dancing With the Stars prompting her mother Sarah to follow the surge of victory and run for president in 2012 with Bristol as her running mate.
- California will finally have “the big one” causing Los Angeles to break off and float into the Pacific Ocean making it one gigantic island where marijuana is legal and movie tickets cost $28 each.
- Lindsay Lohan will revive her career in a film adaptation of Gilligan’s Island. She will play Mary Ann. She will win a People’s Choice award for it. That girl who plays Joan on Mad Men will play Ginger Grant.
- It will be determined that high fructose corn syrup isn’t really all that bad for you.
- A massive tsunami will hit a tiny island in the south Pacific but no one will die because by sheer coincidence the entire island will all be seeing Mission Impossible 4 which will be playing at the lone movie theater which happens to be on the highest part of the island. Tom Cruise will be designated a national hero and he will move there and become their God/President. Suri will stay in the United States because she “needs a break” from her dad.
- Gay marriage will become legal in a slew of states because all of a sudden people will realize, “oh, who fucking cares anymore?”
- Oprah Winfrey will decide that season 25 is not her final season after all and she will take her show on the road playing Knights of Columbus Halls across the land.
- Vice president Joe Biden will admit that he had some “work done.”
- American Idol will play its final season because no one cares about the new judges and its time to out a fork in that shit.
- The whereabouts of Amelia Earhart will finally be discovered. It turns out she has been in line at the Whole Foods in Columbus Circle.
- The Bitchy Waiter will have something new to bitch about.