Once before I wrote about being on a train and it was not a very great experience. In fact I would feel comfortable saying it was the opposite of great which is shitty. However, while on vacation I traveled by train from San Francisco all the way to Portland, Oregon. It was scheduled to be a 17 hour train ride which blossomed into a 25 hour train ride. It wasn’t so bad because I had a first class ticket (I’m fancy) and my own private sleeping quarters. Meals were also included and they were served on real plates with real silverware and served by a real honest to goodness waitress that stepped right out of a television sitcom. You know of my love for Flo, Alice and Shirley and this waitress was like all three of them rolled into one snarky wise ass waitress. I never got her name, so I shall refer to her as Pearl.
Pearl was one of those waitresses who always has a quick comeback whenever you ask for anything and if she didn’t say it with a smile and a wink you would just think she was a total bitch. I wanted to know what it was like to wait tables on a train and live in the same place that you work for days at a time. She told us that her days were 18 hours long and she worked three days in a row and then had six days off. As if waiting tables isn’t hard enough, Pearl has to do it 18 hours at a time and on a train that sways back and forth as it rolls across the country. She was my new hero. I asked her how she managed to deal with such a crazy kind of job. Her answer: drugs. I just fell in love with her a little bit more. I think she meant something like Ambien or Prozac, but in my mind I imagined good ol’ Pearl curled up in her sleeping quarters while sucking on a crackpipe and free basing some crystal meth before her breakfast shift.
By the end of my breakfast, she told me that her drugs had kicked in and she had a joke for me. “What do you call a cow eating grass?” she asked. In my world that would just be a hamburger, but she told me the answer was a “lawn mooer!” And then she busted out laughing like it was the funniest thing she’d ever heard. Hmm, maybe she really was on crack. Her joke led to a whole smorgasbord of bad jokes from every other table in the dining car. And here they are:
Q: What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A: A receding hare line!
Q: What do you call a monkey with a time bomb?
A: A baboom!
Q: What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?
A: Dam!
Q: Why was six afraid of seven?
A: Because seven ate nine!
Thank you, folks. I’m here all week. Try the veal.
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Karen Zimmermann
How much does it cost for a pirate to get her ears pierced?
A: A Buccaneer.
Did you hear about the stick-up on the bridge?
Well no.
A: Yeah some kid threw it up there.
Frenzyful
What is green and has wheels?Grass. I lied about the wheels.
rayhughbert
Here's a lame anatomy joke I came up with in college:Me: I have oil on my skin.Friend: Why?Me: I can't tell you.Friend: Why not?Me:…It's a secrete.
laura jane
hahaha! i knew a pearl like that. the drug thing too. lol. good grief
Keda
see sarah beat me to the stick joke though. oh well, there are only so many good ones to go around.
Keda
ROFL – the fishy one is the best!what's brown and sticky?… a stick.yeah.
The Bartender
Why do seagulls fly by the sea?Because if they flew by the bay they'd be baygulls.
Soumyaranjan Dash
While reading your train-post, I remembered one incident of my life. A beggar once asked me while I was traveling on train one day: "Sir, can you tell me 100 words within 5 minutes those don't have an 'a'?" I became tensed. I couldn't tell the answer. The answer is: one to hundred!
T.R.
What do you do with a dog that has no legs?take him for a drag
Sara
what's brown and sticky?A stick!har de har har
Terra
what's a cat's favorite book?a tail of two kitties
Mary A.
Q – Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?A – It was dead!
lolamouse
"What do you call a deer with no eyes?""No eye deer!""What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?""Still no eye deer!"
Anonymous
What's the smallest room in the world?"Mushroom".
Bill
Whats the favorite letter for pirates?RRRR
Ethan Thane
What do you call a sleeping cow? A bulldozer.
Alexa O
"What did the hot dog say when he crossed the finish line first?""I'm a weiner!"