I Kinda Heart Cracker Barrel

Since my post about fat waitress stirred up so much controversy the other day, I thought I should write about a perfectly wonderful waitress I had recently and try to even things out. And not only was she a little darling, she was also skinny. There, I said it. I went to The Cracker Barrel because I felt like my arteries were running entirely too smoothly and I wanted to clog them up a bit. I understand that The Cracker Barrel has a less than stellar attitude towards the gays, but when it comes between equal rights and biscuits and gravy, my true southern nature shines through and I must throw the gays under the bus. Two orders of biscuits with extra gravy please.

My waitress was named Candice and she had worked there for two years. I know this because servers have their names embroidered on their aprons and then they get a star embroidered for every year they have been there. I once had a waitress there who had seven stars. She was like the brigadier general of Cracker Barrel. Candice was sweet, attentive and professional, god bless her little pea-pickin’, gay-hatin’ heart. I really have to give it up to those servers at The Cracker because looking around the dining room, I saw what most of their customers were like: rude, hungry, cheap tippers who have a brood of children hanging off their teets. Seriously, one lady had four kids all under the age of five and she looked like she couldn’t have been over 25 years old. I hate to say it, but there was some major poor white trash going on up in there. (And I can say that because I spent a few years of my life living in a trailer in Texas, and I ain’t talkin’ a double wide, either. I speak of PWT, because I know of PWT.)

People go to The Cracker Barrel ready to chow down. I watched one lady instruct her server to remove everything from the table except the salt and pepper shakers. He cleared the bowl of creamers, the table tents, the oil lamp, the hot sauce and the little game where you move the golf tees around. I couldn’t hear what she was saying but thanks to my ability to read lips, I was able to tell what she said: “Honey, you best be making plenty of room for mines food ’cause mama’s about to go to town.” Moments later it was clear why she needed the space. Between her and her husband they must have ordered enough food for a small village. They were serious about eating. And not so serious about tipping. When they left, there were two empty plates, one half-filled glass of sweet tea, a few crumbs and two dollars.

But Candice kicked ass. She filled my water before it was half empty, brought me lemon wedges even though I didn’t ask for them, and remembered my extra gravy. You know. For the biscuits? She did consistent check backs and cleared the table the moment I had crammed the last bit of pancake in my mouth. And yes, I had biscuits and pancakes. And eggs. And sausage. And cheesy hashbrowns. I told you when people show up to The Cracker Barrel, they mean business. And I am including myself in that group. And I graciously include myself in the group of poor white trash. Humble beginnings, my friends, humble beginnings.

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27 thoughts on “I Kinda Heart Cracker Barrel

  1. Bitchy Employee

    Backing up the par stars comments….Four is definitely the most you can get, and they are definitely based on a testing system. I’ve worked at three different Cracker Barrels over the last 20 years, and the last one is the only job I have EVER no call/no showed to, and I did it intentionally, to disabuse myself of the notion of ever working there again. That place is like a Nazi regime. When you get hired, they issue you a clear vinyl purse, and it’s the only bag you’re allowed to bring in. When you clock out, a manager has to escort you through the gift shop so that they can make sure you don’t steal anything. It kind of sucks being automatically assumed to be a thief by your employer.

    1. Justina

      I worked at a cracker barrel in sc, nc, and pa. In fact you just wrote an article about the one in sc I worked at. Anyway, I was issued the standard clear purse but I was also a college student who would walk to work every day from classes. My managers at my store in Sc were awesome and let me store it out on the coat racks by the fireplace. (Although I was told they are not responsible if anything goes missing.) I was never escorted out through the gift shop though but it doesn’t surprise me. I never got the feeling of the gay hate either (I don’t know if that was a joke or not but no big deal right?)
      I do have to say that I hated working at the NC and PA locations but absolutely loved Woking at the one in SC and wish I could go back somedays. Much love goes out to all servers <3

  2. Anonymous

    workers get stars per par level, it only goes to four. its not per year they work there, or it shouldn't be. they should do computer work and evaluations to get a higher par level

  3. SkippyMom

    Gee Anon, I think Maggie has a more articulate and true version of the stars system. Perhaps you could learn from her, be a little kinder and find your name? It isn't hard.

  4. Anonymous

    first off, you're an idiot. i work at Cracker Barrel and the stars DO NOT signify how many years you've been employed and you are a LIAR because you have NEVER seen 7 stars ANYWHERE. The highest you can achieve is FOUR!!! and that is based on your level of numbers you produce per hour for the store you work in!!! Don't talk about stuff you don't know about.

  5. Maggie

    This was a great post, but with one inaccuracy. (I only noticed it cuz I worked at a Cracker Barrel for 5 years.) You get your second star after 4 months. Works out like this: 1st star after 1st month; 2nd star 3 months later; #3 six months later; 4th and final star another six months later. It is possible she's been there for two years and just never taken the tests (yeah, they make you take a test if you want your next star and corresponding itty bitty raise), since that was the case with most of my former coworkers.Just thought you might be interested. I've never heard of any other restaraunt making their employees take tests, so it's kind of unusual trivia. 🙂

  6. JJ Patton

    I LOVE Cracker Barrel! I've been to a few here in Louisiana and Arkansas, and I always go with a girlfriend to avoid the gay-hating stares! Haha. Biscuits and gravy from Cracker Barrel give me goosebumps. "Throw the gays under the bus." Haha.JJ

  7. Penny Lane

    THANK YOU!Whenever my family and I would want to get away we would go to a little hotel in Mount Holly New Jersey and next to it there was a Cracker Barrel. It was precious. My family and I developed a strong liking to it. But no one every knows what I am talking about. "Cracker Barrel huh?", " What the hell is Cracker Barrel?" and so on… I am glad that finally, someone knows that I am talking about. Thank you again!Peace and Love,D

  8. Vani

    this is unbelievable … is this blog came from our bitchy waiter…. no f words.. nothing harsh.. nothing rude.. Praising others… wow!!! wow!!! wow!!!

  9. Mary A.

    Pancakes. Cracker barrel has the bestest pancakes in the wuuuurrrld.And then. . . as you leave, you can load up on all sorts of gifty tchotchkes that you don't need and don't really want, but you KNOW that singing fish is gonna make a great gift for someone!

  10. Pizza Girl

    My favorite time to go to Cracker Barrel is when I'm hungover and they're having a sidewalk sale. You would be surprised how amusing cankles become when you're trying to puke by rocking back and forth in a rocking chair on the porch.P.S. Last time I was at Cracker Barrel my kid spilled milk and my amazing waitress had to come and mop it up (which I would've done myself if they'dve let me). Tipped her $15 on a $30 bill.

  11. G

    I'm one of those rare touristy types who tips when he's on vacation.If you do your best, you should get what you deserve, regardless if your restaurant caters to normal folks or tourists.I appreciate good service and tip accordingly. It takes a lot of bad to make me not tip, and it usually has to do with what goes on in the back as opposed to how I'm treated in the front.

  12. Gloria

    Hilarious! I also have an affinity for the Craker Barrel. Those cheesy hashbrowns are to die for and the gravy isn't half bad either. The chocolate coca cola cake is pretty stinkin good too! Would love to get some Craker Barrel goodness right about now.

  13. Bryan

    I'm just wondering how much you tipped her. I also have a special place in my heart for Cracker Barrel. That's mostly the same place where all the heartburn takes place after chowing down on some wannabe good, down-home Southern cookin'. But Craker Barrel is nothing without the golf-tee game, whatever it's called.

  14. Donda

    Cracker Barrel sausage sucks donkey balls! I wouldn't feed it to my dog…if I had a dog. Didn't realize the gay thing…I may just decide to find me a girlfriend for the day just to patronize…sounds like awesome fun!!!


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