Ketchup Might Be The Grossest Thing Ever

While I was writing about the disgusting habits of the lemon, it brought to mind another item that is found in every restaurant that also has its fair share of nastiness to it. Ketchup. Or Catsup. However the fuck you decide to spell it, the shit is nasty. Don’t misunderstand me. As a rule, ketchup is not a nasty condiment. The bottle in my fridge right now is perfectly fine and dandy. However, it is not the same bottle that has been there for two years and I just keep refilling it over and over again, each time scraping off the black crud that has accumulated on the rim and lid. We save that behavior for restaurant ketchups. The last place I worked that had ketchup used the same bottles and we just refilled them every weekend. So if the bottle was half empty (or half full for you eternal cock-eyed optimist fucks) we just filled it up. What that means is, the ketchup at the bottom of the bottle just stays there for months and months at a time. It’s really gross. And you know that it’s time to throw it away when tiny bubbles start forming on the inside of the bottle. When you see that happening, run for the hills because the shit is about to blow. Or you can just put that bottle on the shelf and save it for the next time some real cunt asks for ketchup and you can give her that one and hope that the tomato time bomb goes off right in her cunty face. Fingers crossed. I’ve seen it happen. The pressure builds up and as soon as you unscrew the lid, it sends ketchup all over the place. It makes a big mess and it’s a pain in the ass to clean it up, but if it gets all over a customer it’s so totally worth it. You gotta take the good with the bad.

When I go to a restaurant, the first thing I do is look at the ketchup bottle. If the inside of the lid is caked with old dead ketchup, I order something that will not require me to said condiment. I would way rather have a ketchup packet than a bottle anytime. At least with a packet, you know you are the only one who has used it. The bottles that sit on the table all the time are the worst. How many times have you seen some dick who can’t get the ketchup to flow? What does he do? He sticks a knife in the bottle to get the ketchup. And what if that knife is the same one he just used for mustard or to slice his sandwich or to scratch his ass with? And then that same bottle of nasty ass-scratched ketchup is there for you to use.

Avoid ketchup bottles like the plague. Thoughts?

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23 thoughts on “Ketchup Might Be The Grossest Thing Ever

  1. Chelsea

    After working at more restaurants than I'd like to admit and filling (nay, refilling) way too many ketchup bottles, reading this felt like you just looked into my own mind and wrote down everything I think about daily. Amazing.

  2. Anonymous

    yes restaurant ketchup is nasty, for myself and my friends a ramikin of fresh form the hanging bladder of ketchup, ketchup. Love the new red plastic bottle the lid does not come off of.

  3. Anonymous

    Memories! The balancing act! Think about this as well, servers sometimes click the bottles together to get the ketchup to come out resulting in tiny glass chips in your ketchup. The rag that they use to clean the black crud off the the rim is also one that they have used to wipe off tables etc.

  4. Mick

    The whole customer service thing reminds me of something a friend of mine who's a FA for Qantas told me – if you're on a long-distance flight, never piss off the flight attendants. Because when you ring that call bell to order a late-nite drink, you never know what bodily waste might be added to it.

  5. Laura

    Damn you! You've ruined lemons for me, now you ruin KETCHUP!? Oh, you are a very bitchy waiter, indeed.Although on the plus side, I've been tipping much, much more since I started reading your blog.EVEN THOUGH YOU RUINED LEMONS.

  6. Beautifulwaste

    I won't even touch condiments in any restaurant because I know the outsides of the them are not wiped off either. Many of our customers use them, lick their fingers and then putz with the lid while their eatting and other nastiness. And also people use them after the bathroom, and I know many are not washing their hands.

  7. Elyse

    My restaurant decided that bottles are a thing of the past. Now we use a pump thing, filled with about 3 1/2 pounds of ketchup each shift. We do marry it all day, but throw out what's left at night. And then the pump gets to be cleaned. Or not, depending on how good of a night the server had. Sometimes/most of the time, it just gets a rinse off at the dish pit, then tossed back in the corner. Ew.But, customers just get an ounce of ketchup in a ramekin, no more, no less (unless they ask, of course.)

  8. Anonymous

    Have you ever been served ketchup (Heinz) in a ramekin on a plate with a doily and a spoon, with your Onion Rings. Makes lots of dishes to wash, no icky bottles, partial marriages, dried ketchup ring around the lid.

  9. Anonymous

    The restaurant I work in is prety good about the ketchup bottles. We don't keep them on the tables- we have two squeeze bottles in the back that we refill from large cans of the stuff once they are empty. But we don't wash our produce. :/

  10. Waiter Extraordinaire

    What we do is while the bottles are in use we make sure we clean the rim on all the bottles that night. Then when they are nearly empty we toss them. Never do we marry them or like you say you may have ketchup in there for years before it is consumed if it doesn't explode before that. Nice post.

  11. JumpIt

    That is SO gross. We have ketchup bottles that are literally impossible to take the lids off – once they're almost empty, they are thrown away and a new bottle replaces it. I'm so glad I don't even like ketchup.

  12. Sole`

    My mother used to manage the Wendy's and she made the ppl clean out the huge ketchup containers, but she was the only one that had it done. Other ppl just refilled it with some of the crap rotting in the bottom. I always ask for packets. Ick.


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