Tag Archives: Australian slang

Man Bites Off Waiter’s Finger

finger tips

finger tips

I am sure there is a list out there that details the world’s most dangerous jobs. Surely at the top of that list are jobs like firefighter, oil rig worker, coal miner and Wal-Mart greeter but it is doubtful that we will ever see waiter listed there among those who risk life and limb for employment. Well, there may be a waiter in Serbia who thinks it should be on the list. You can read the real story here. Last week, a customer was so upset with this server that he felt the need to bite off part of his fucking finger. Apparently, the customer was an Australian national who was carrying in his own bottle of liquor to the restaurant and when the server told him he needed to put the bottle away, the man was not pleased.

Waiter: I’m sorry sorry, I need you to put the bottle away seeing that it’s against the law to bring in your own liquor to a restaurant here in Serbia.
Customer: G’day, mate. I’m just a bloke with some bickies to spend and I’m looking for a billabong.
Waiter: Yeah, I dunno what you’re saying. Just put the bottle away.
Customer: I don’t want to have a blue with you, I just want my drink. Don’t make me have a dummyspit and shove a didgeridoo up your bum.
Waiter: Put it away.
Customer: I just want to enjoy my grog.
Waiter: Put it away, please.
Customer: Listen, hoon. Don’t piss me off. You might think me an ocker but I’m a Queenslander and I’m also a real screamer so you might want to back off.
Waiter: If you don’t put it away, I will remove it for you.
Customer: Aveago at it, mate, but I warn ya, I’m about to go all Aussie croc on ya and chomp off your digits like they’s a vegemite sandwich.
Waiter: I can’t understand what the fuck you’re saying, sir.
Customer: Well, throw a shrimp on the barbie, I tell ya and then light me a durry because to be fair dinkum, I’m a little bit of a galah.
Waiter: What the hell?
The two went back and forth like this using typical Australian slang that can be picked up from the Internet until one thing led to another and the customer finally bit off a finger of the server. The man was arrested but what about the server who now has to spend the rest of his life with a missing finger? The whole scenario brings several questions to mind:

  • How is this waiter going to stick his finger into a cup of coffee to make sure it’s hot enough?
  • What will he use to pick his nose before putting together a bread basket?
  • How will he be able to point at customers to confirm their orders?
  • Can he still hold a pen to write orders down?
  • What if it was his middle finger? How will he flip the bird to assholes who leave him 5% tips?
  • What is he going to use to scrape off dried mustard from a fork?
  • Without a finger, how will he text message or update his Facebook page while hiding in the sidestand?
  • Will he get a 10% discount on his future manicures?
  • Do they have 1-800-SUE-THEM in Serbia?
  • Will he still be able to twirl his tray around on his index finger if he only has the tip of it left?
  • The next time a girl tells him, ‘”just the tip,” will it bring back a flood of emotional distress memories?

Since this news story happened in another country on the other side if the world, I will probably never hear an update on the story. Rest assured, there is a Australian man sitting in a Serbian jail cell somewhere with the taste of waiter finger in his mouth and if that waiter is like most waiters, the finger tasted like “I’ll wash my hands after work.”

p.s. I apologize to any Australian readers.

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