Is This Man Racist or Cheap? (Hint: He Might Be Both)

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Oh, Internet. Each day you gift us with amazing things like videos of kittens tumbling out of laundry baskets or even better videos of a little kids who don’t understand the effects of gravity, but today we have a new gift. A Facebook page called Gina Darling has shared a photo of a receipt where the restaurant customer has found yet another excuse to not leave a tip. Scrawled into the tip line is this wonderful poop nugget of wisdom:

Tips for U.S. citizens only

Underneath the photo was the caption:

This was the tip left at a friend of a friend’s restaurant in Redondo Beach. Fucking disgusting. I can’t believe such ignorant people still exist in this day and age.
Jason Naglich, If you’re against Asian people being here, then don’t come eat our food, you piece of shit.

Lovely, isn’t it? The original poster of the photo did not feel the need to hide the customer’s name and, after much soul searching/Pinot Grigio drinking, I have decided to leave the name visible as well. The man’s name is Jason Naglich and I’m sure his life is blowing up before his eyes. He’s probably the number one Google searched topic amongst servers right now so that waiters and waitresses across America can see what he looks like in case he shows up in their section. They all want to have their birth certificates and green cards ready in case they need to plead their case for a lousy $4.50.

We do not know the details of this receipt. Perhaps Jason had a point. It is quite possible that sometime during the meal service, perhaps between appetizers and the entree, Jason casually asked his waitress, “So, hey, I notice you have an accent. Are you a legally documented worker or are you some illegal alien who is stealing my jobs and living off my taxes?” And the waitress was all, “Oh, hi. No I’m a totally illegal immigrant. Thank God I got here before Donald Trump built that wall, right? Whew! Anyhoo, I’ll be right back with some more bread and a refill for your Diet Coke.”

This was Jason’s cue to save himself 20% of $22.84. Up until that point, his plan was to say he couldn’t afford to tip because he was saving up money for a new car. He has used that excuse before, so this was a great new way for Jason to be a cheap ass. Never mind that there are plenty of people who live and work in the United States who are from other countries. It’s kind of what our whole country was built upon, but this guy saved $4.50, so go America!

Again, we do not know what exactly happened, but we do know there are plenty of horrible people who will find a reason to not leave a tip. And if that person can burp up some racism at the same time, they just look at it as multi-tasking. Good luck, Jason Naglich. With a last name like that, I’m pretty certain that your relatives came from someplace other than the heartland of America so maybe some of this nasty attitude will come back and bite you in your cheap ass.

Joe’s Crab Shack Eliminates Tipping; World is Ending

jn25End days are possibly upon us, my friends. Joe’s Crab Shack has become the first major restaurant chain to do away with tipping. Yes, it’s happening and I can barely type right now because all of the blood has drained from my face. The company made the switch in 18 of their stores and now servers are all being paid a flat hourly wage of $14. To make up for the cost of the payroll, menu prices will be increased by 12 to 15 percent. (“What?? My bucket of Queen Crab is now $1.80 more?” This is un-American!”) According to the the parent company, that hourly wage can change depending on your past performance and experience. In other words, if you’re new, you’ll get maybe $11 an hour and if you’re an old tired racehorse who has been slinging hash since The Cosby Show was on, you might get $15 an hour.

This all sounds well and good, but if I work an 8-hour shift on a crazy busy Saturday night, I want to walk away with more than $112. Especially if the new girl who doesn’t know her ass from her apron is going to make only a few bucks less. If I’m getting paid a regular $14 an hour, then sign me up for the slowest, most boring lunch shift in the history of crab-kind. That’s right, if I’m gonna make the same amount on Tuesday from 10:30 to 5:00 as the guy who works Saturday from 5:30 to midnight, I’ll take the lunch shift and be home in time for cocktail hour and Wheel of Fortune, thank you very much.

The company says that the change is “expected to result in an improved team atmosphere, a significant reduction in turnover and greater financial security for the employees.” Yeah, an improved team atmosphere because everyone can sit around at shift meal and say, “Hey, remember when we used to make a shit ton of money on Friday nights?” A significant reduction in turnover because once everyone quits to go to restaurant where they can make tips, Joe’s Crab Shack can hire a bunch of amateurs who don’t know any better and they’re all, “well, it’s better than working at Wal-Mart, except for the smelling like crab part.” A greater financial security in the sense that you always know how much you’re going to make: crap.

This could be the beginning of the end, everyone. If they take away our tips, what the hell are we supposed to complain about? Tipping is the number one thing we servers bitch about and if they take that away from us, we will be forced to complain about our customers even more. Meanwhile, customers might end up getting the short end of the mozzarella stick when it comes to service because now that servers are making a flat rate, what reason does a waiter or waitress have to go above and beyond? If you can bust your ass and foresee every possible need for your customer and give them A #1 service and still get the same amount of money as the server who lets a water glass stay empty, which way do you think more servers are apt to serve?

If any of you work at Joe’s Crab Shack, please reach out to me.
You can click here to send me an email
. I’d love to hear your thoughts on it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go pour myself a drink as I mourn the loss of gratuities.

Also, it would be just great if you went to pre-order my book that is coming out in April. It’s only $11, cheap ass. Click here.

Veterans Day Means Free Food But it Does Not Mean To Not Tip

9668347b83c6b5f56c43dab207a6615eEvery November 11th, our country comes together to say thank you to all those who have served in the U.S. Armed Forces. These men and women deserve our appreciation because they are willing to put their lives on the line for our country so we can live in the land of free. Honestly, I am so thankful that people are willing to do this job because I can’t imagine doing it myself. I feel the same way about cops and firefighters too. If these jobs were left up to me, we would be living in a lawless society where fires run rampant and we’d probably be Communists right now.

Veterans Day is also the day that many restaurants open up their menus and offer a free meal to those who have served or are serving. (When I speak of serving, I’m not talking about those of us who serve hamburgers and chicken cacciatore.) Applebee’s, Bonefish Grill, California Pizza Kitchen, Cracker Barrel, Denny’s, Hooters, Olive Garden, Outback Steakhouse and Red Lobster are just a few of the places that will honor our vets with something free. Here is a list of all the places.

It’s a wonderful thing that the veterans have done and it’s equally great that so many restaurants show their thanks this way, but, at the risk of sounding like I’m a total asshole (“Ummm, you ARE a total asshole,” said 9 out of 10 people reading this…), I want to remind those who are getting free food of one thing: please tip your servers.

Okay, okay it sounds petty and rude of me, but I feel it is my obligation to say this out loud. And I shall:

There will be some waiters and waitresses who will be willing to forgo the tip in honor of Veterans Day, but there will be way more who are going to depend on that tip even if the bill is for $0.00. I am willing to risk all the hate mail and all of the comments that call me a dick if it means that some servers will get a tip that maybe they would not have gotten had I not written this. Maybe some people genuinely do not think to leave a tip if their bill is comped and this blog post is for them. I’m not against veterans eating a free plate of three-cheese chicken penne at Applebee’s but what I am against is a server doing his job and not getting paid for it. Places like Applebee’s are crazy busy on Veterans Day because who doesn’t want to go out to eat for free? But that doesn’t mean that the waiter wants to work his ass off all day and not make what he deserves.

Please, if you’re going out to take advantage of the free meal, and you totally should do that, all I am asking is that you remember that your server is depending on the tips. Please don’t make Veterans Day a day that servers dread going to work. It should be a mutual admiration society kind of day. You both are appreciative of one another’s service, you just show it in different ways: the waiter does it by serving you free food and the veteran does it by tipping on what the cost of the meal would be.

Restaurant Owners Create Rules For Kids (Also Become My Heroes)

Screen Shot 2015-11-09 at 2.07.46 PMAll bow down to Ana Beaven and Charlie McDaniel, for they are the new king and queen of KidsCanSuckItVille. According to ABC13, they own a Mexican restaurant in Houston, Texas called Cuchara and after a few years of dealing with parents who don’t know how to put a leash on their own children, Ana and Charlie came up with a rule card that they give out to families when they come in to eat. The rules are pretty much common sense that most parents with half of a brain would already understand, but for those who have no consideration for others, the rule card is necessary:

Children at Cuchara don’t run or wander around the restaurant. They stay seated and ask their parents to to take them to the restroom. They don’t scream, throw tantrums or touch the walls, murals, windows or anything of the other patrons. They are respectful.

I guess this restaurant has a lot of original art on the walls and when too many kids got their greasy hands all over irreplaceable artwork from Mexico, Ana and Charlie were all, “Nope. Uh uh. Not gonna happen.” Most recently, they say a child took a quarter and scratched up a wall while playing tic-tac-toe.

“Just take responsibility for your kids,” says Charlie.

I went to the Cuchara Facebook page (you should pop by and tell then how great they are. Tell them I sent you.) and overwhelmingly, people are fully supportive of the cards. The couple is being applauded for standing up to parents who don’t know how to control their children. However, I found at least one woman who is not happy with the idea.

On a blog called Scary Mommy, Maria Guido writes, “If I was handed a card like this when I walked through the doors of a restaurant, I would leave. Because I don’t want an infantilizing, passive-aggressive note shoved in my face when I’m about to give an establishment my money. I’d rather spend it somewhere else.” Maria is upset that a “few parents who act like [sic] oblivious that there’s a world around them” have ruined it for “the rest of us.” This comment insinuates that Maria feels that her children are perfectly well-behaved little angels. If that’s the case, this card does not pertain to you, Maria. However, they are going to give it to every family because I’m sure if they only gave it to the ones who looked like they might be a problem, you would be just as upset that they are profiling who they think will be little terrors. Overall, I can’t imagine that many parents would be upset at seeing this card on their table. Anyone who is pissed off about it probably has a child who is currently riding a damn scooter through the dining room and screaming like a coyote banshee from hell.

Scary Mommy also says, “Why not print up cards that say, “Adults at Cuchara do not drink until they become intoxicated. They don’t speak loudly on their phones, or leave tips that are less than 20%. They are respectfull [sic]!!” I think this is a great idea. Too many people these days wouldn’t know what proper behavior was if it bit them in the ass, so why not remind people how to be civilized? Anyone who takes offense at these kinds of suggestions is part of the problem and the reason the cards were printed in the first place. I hope you will take a minute to go to read the whole article at Scary Mommy. Scary Mommy is more than scary. She’s downright terrifying. They have a Scary Mommy Facebook page too with a much bigger following than me, but I’d love it if you went there to stir up some trouble.

Back to Ana and Charlie: keep doing what you’re doing. As you said in the news story, the restaurant is your second home and you have every right to expect people, adults and children, to behave like sensible human beings when they are there. I can’t wait until I go back to Houston so I can go to Cuchara to chow down on some Mexican food and have a margarita or three all the while knowing that my meal won’t be disturbed by a screaming toddler with asshole parents.

How NOT to Get Fired

Screen Shot 2015-11-06 at 9.42.56 PMIn today’s lesson on how to not get fired, we have 19-year-old waitress Sophia Cumton who added her own tip to a credit card after she was stiffed and was then charged with credit card fraud and fired. Sophia, I have this to say to you: fucking amateur!

According to in Farmington, NM, some cheap skank went out to eat at an Outback Steakhouse. Her bill was $81.08 and she decided to not leave a tip because she didn’t feel the waitress deserved it. She purposely wrote ZERO on the tip line. Well, Sophia wasn’t feeling that stiff so she went ahead and added $8.92 to the tip line and went on with her merry way of serving Bloomin’ Onions and whatever else the fuck they serve at Outback. Of course, the cheap ass customer looked at her credit card statement and discovered that a tip had been added, She quickly stopped eating her box of Little Debbie Snack Cake to call the local news and now Sophia is fired.

People, people, people: never, ever, under any circumstances, do you add the tip to a credit card receipt. Yes, it’s shitty that you got stiffed, but two wrongs do not make a right and it’s just going to come right back and bite you in your crab stuffed mushroom ass. Now Sophia is charged with fucking credit card fraud for trying to scam a shitty 10% tip. We can all learn from Sophia.

Now I want to talk about the customer who has chosen to remain unnamed. She is a very wise woman to keep her identity concealed because she knows that if she were to come public, low-life bloggers like myself would seek her out and drag her name through the Internet mud. We cannot know why she chose to stiff the server. The report says she didn’t feel the service was good, but let’s be honest. We all know that she probably had perfectly fine service and she is just a cheap woman who doesn’t know that if you can’t afford to tip you can’t afford to go out to eat. She probably spent the whole dinner looking for a reason to justify not leaving a tip and when she realized that she hated the Carrie Underwood song that was playing from the speaker that was directly over her booth (you know she wanted a booth…) she was all, “this place sucks. No tip for my waitress!”

The unnamed customer went on to say, “I must trust people too much where I don’t think that could happen.” And she also wants people to always cross reference their receipts with their actual charges or pay cash so this doesn’t happen to anyone else. “It’s scary,” she says. Also scary, is that budget basic bitches like this think it’s alright to go to a restaurant and drop $80 on some dinner and then not leave a fucking tip. I totally agree with this bargain-basement bitch that no server should be adding their tip to a credit card when it’s clear the customer didn’t want to leave one. I am not defending the waitress in any way because what she did was wrong, illegal, immoral, stupid and not worth it. However, can we just stop and think that if this See You Next Tuesday had just left a few bucks, Sophia wouldn’t have even felt the need to break the law?

Sophia girl, you fucked up. Yes, I’m sure this hag was a pain in the uterus to wait on and she probably ordered her steak extra, extra, extra well-done and then sent it back because it was too dry, but you can’t go around committing credit card fraud.

There is a bright side to this whole story: the customer has said she will never eat at Outback again and everyone who has had the misfortune of waiting on this big bag of flatulence just breathed out a sigh of relief.

Bottom line: if someone stiffs you, you deal with it because the next table will probably make up for it. Do not break the law. Go fart at her table a few times and move on.

Is This a Restaurant or a Prison? You Decide.

12025311_887670_1084563254_nIf you work in a restaurant, you pretty much have to accept that your social life is about as exciting as an episode of Murder, She Wrote. We don’t have weekends off and you can pretty much forget about spending the holidays with anyone other than that bitch at Table 4 who always wants a Frozen Mudslide even though you tell her every fucking week that you don’t have a goddamn blender. Restaurants are open all the damn time and if you work in one, then your schedule revolves around the needs of the company. Case in point is this photograph that someone sent me to that pretty much confirms that restaurants are basically low-security prisons with French fries.

Waiter: Can I have a day off around Thanksgiving?
Manager: Nope.
Waiter: How about Memorial Day weekend or 4th of July?
Manager: Hell, no.
Waiter: Labor Day?
Manager: Uh uh.
Waiter: Well, then can I have one day off anytime from December to May?
Manager: Get the fuck outta here.

That’s right. This restaurant is so busy that you simply cannot request a day off for almost five straight months. I get that schedules will be made to meet the demands of the restaurant, but to not be able to request one single solitary day off for that many months is pretty hard core. It seems that any extra days off that you get will have to be maneuvered by you swapping shifts with others and begging people to cover you. But the restaurant is not going to pay any overtime so if everyone is already at full capacity with their hours, you can just forget about asking Carla the Shift Whore to pick up your lunch shift so you can go to your grandma’s funeral. “Sorry, Granny. I loved you, but Table 18 needs some broccoli cheddar soup.”

I love that the manager has even specified the blackout dates all the way through May of 2017. Umm, that’s like 18 months away. Doesn’t he know that most of the staff will have quit by then anyway? They will have gone on to bigger and better places where managers are understanding when it comes to the occasional day off for those important events that come up in life like weddings, graduations, birthdays and being hungover.

I wish good luck to the inmates at this unknown restaurant. If the stress gets to be too much, put yourself in solitaire (the walk-in) and contemplate your choices. If you need to break out, grab yourself a teaspoon from the rack of silver and dig a tunnel from the hostess stand to to the parking lot across the street. Once you see the sunlight, run like madman until you find a restaurant that is owned by a human being and closes down on a random holiday. If you choose to stay at this prison/restaurant, I hope your ball and chain doesn’t get in the way too much when you’re serving.