Domino’s Disappoints Celebrity Who Is Then Forced to Eat Cereal


Being a celebrity is hard, y’all. And being a new mom is hard too. When you put those two things together, life is near impossible. Case in point is country singer/reality star Jessie James Decker who squeezed a baby out of her womb a few weeks ago. (I’ve never heard of her, but I guess she’s famous…) According to her Facebook page, yesterday she was nursing Baby Photo Op and it made her real hungry. Like for real, for real. So she did what every new mother does who wants to fill her body with nutrition which will be passed on to her newborn and she ordered a Domino’s pizza. Well that pizza took too damn long (over an hour late, she claims) so she made Domino’s come back and get the pizza when they refused to comp it or discount it. That’s right, rather than just pay the $27.99, she had some driver come back and take the pizza away from her mansion so she could get her money back. (Please remember that she is married to a pro football player for the New York Jets, so I’m pretty sure she could afford the $27.99. He’s rich as fuck.) But the worst thing about all of this is that she had to eat cereal instead! Apparently, rich people have pantries just like I do: half-eaten bags of stale chips, expired canned food and boxes of cereal.

Judging by the time stamp of her Facebook post, it was about 9:45 PM on Sunday night when she announced her pity party of having to eat cereal for dinner. Maybe at that time everyone was watching the Emmy Awards and Domino’s was slammed with orders and couldn’t uphold their 30 minute guarantee. I looked at their website and it says that “Domino’s Pizza reserves the right to withdrawal the service guarantee without prior intimation.” In other words, they can take back that guarantee whenever the fuck they want to. It also says that “30 minutes or free is not applicable when restaurant operating conditions are not suitable, this will be announced at the time of taking the order.” So this begs the question: did they tell her that they could guarantee it in thirty minutes or not? We may never know.

What we do know is that a rich celebrity type wanted to eat a pizza and then when it didn’t get to her fast enough, she demanded it be returned and was forced to eat cereal instead. She got her $27.99 back! She then posted this horrible news onto her Facebook page in order to gain sympathy and that was my cue to jump in and stand up for the food service industry.

Domino’s, don’t you worry. Jessie James Decker may never order a pizza from you again, but you’ll be fine. Most of us in the food service industry will understand if things take a bit longer than normal and we forgive you. The next time she wants a pizza, maybe she will ask her housekeeper, chef, nanny, pool boy, chauffeur, gardener, assistant or someone else on her payroll to make her one. In the meantime, she will have to subsist on a diet of Lucky Charms, Honey Nut Cheerios and Trix. I guess my real problem with this is that she didn’t just refuse the pizza, but she made them come back to retrieve it. That’s just rude.

It’s hard being a celebrity. Really hard. Like for real, for real.

Nursing makes me so hungry so I ordered Domino’s Pizza and my pizza was an hour late and they wouldn’t even comp it or…

Posted by Jessie James Decker on Sunday, September 20, 2015

How I Feel About Making Hot Chocolate

waitress-dinerThe first day of autumn is still several days away, and already people are asking for hot chocolate. Stop it. It seems like only yesterday that I was constantly running out of iced coffee, but suddenly the temperature drops about one fucking degree and everybody is acting like they need three scarves, a sweater and a fireplace. Chill out with the hot drinks, people. Besides, the hot chocolate isn’t even good. You know it’s just some nasty ass powder from an envelope that gets poured into some hot water, right? The only time there is milk in it is when I make it for myself and I use the cappuccino machine to steam some delicious frothiness into it. If it’s for a customer, it’s all water. When I make it for myself, I add some chocolate syrup and then I go to the dessert station for some whipped cream. When I make it for customers, there is no such thing as whipped cream for you. We will be out of it, trust me. You will get chocolate powder dumped into a mug with some water and if you’re lucky, I will stir it for you. Hopefully, you will think it’s disgusting and never order such foolishness again.

Why don’t you wait until it’s actually cold outside before you start asking for hot chocolate, alright? It’s too early in the season for me to be making your damn hot chocolates. I don’t have time to deal with that shit just so I can add $2 to the check. If you leave me 20% of that $2, it’s forty cents and I’d rather go without forty cents than go through the trouble of making another fucking hot chocolate.

Okay, I just had to get that off my chest.

It’s The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

pastapassGird your loins, everybody. Today is the day that Olive Garden starts to sell their Unlimited Pasta Pass and that means that 1000 lucky people will get to stuff their eating holes with pasta for 49 days for the low, low price of $100! This year, they are doing a family deal too which will allow a family of four to do the same thing for only $300. This is for those parents who don’t feel their kids are quite fat enough yet. We all know where this will go: it will be a good, old-fashioned eatin’ contest and people across the country will try to out eat everybody else so they can really get their money;’s worth. I expect several blog posts to pop up about it. In an effort to beat the rush, I searched high and low (no I didn’t) for someone who is eager to purchase the pass and asked him how he plans to take advantage if it if he is one of the lucky ones; I found (no I didn’t) a guy named Archie “Bubba” Miller who has agreed to share his story with (no, he didn’t.):

Hey, y’all! My name is Archie but you’s can call me Bubba. That’s what my friends calls me anyway. Today at 2:00 EST, I am turning off Judge Judy and headed right to my PC to try and score an unlimited Pasta Pass from Olive Garden. Last year, I didn’t hear about ‘em until they was already sold out and then I tried to buy one on eBay, but it was scam and all I got for my $150 was an expired gift card and a paper cut on my tongue from ripping open the envelope with my teeth. I learned my lesson so this time I’m going online to get it. Lord, I hope I’m one of the 1000 people. I feel like Charlie looking for a golden ticket, you know? If I win one, I am going to take full advantage of it and not have to buy groceries for 49 days. I plan on eating at OG ever day at least twice so that that each one of my meals breaks down to about a dollar apiece. You can go as many times as you want and that’s what I’m gonna do. You can also get two per day to go, so I’m gonna do that too and then freeze ‘em so I won’t have to buy groceries until mid-November. “But what are you gonna eat for breakfast?” you’re probably wondering. Well, the answer to that is breadsticks, silly goose! All you gotta do with those is cut ‘em into strips and then smear ‘em with butter and then grill them with cinnamon and sugar. I calls it Italian French Toast! It’s real good.

I already know what I’m gonna eat on my first day: fettuccine with Alfredo and crispy chicken fritta. Goddamn, my mouth is already waterin’ for it. I’m sure I will try all of the options except for whole wheat linguini, because that sounds too healthy. If I want health food, I’ll go to Applebee’s, you know? This year they have a new sauce called pesto Alfredo which I guess is Alfredo sauce with pesto in it. I looked up to see what pesto is and it’s made of basil, so I probably won’t ever get that because basil counts as a vegetable serving and I don’t really do veggies. If I want veggies, I’ll go to Chili’s and get an Awesome Blossom, you know? I probably won’t ever get those chicken meatballs either because I like my balls to be meaty. I love some meaty balls, y’all.

Okay, I gotta go, because it’s almost time for Judge Judy to start and then the Pasta Pass goes up for sale at 2:00. I gotta get ready to swoop in there and get one. If I don’t get it, I’m just hoping that one of my friends gets the family pass so I can go eat with him. Fingers crossed, everybody! Olive Garden forever!!

A Prayer For a Couple of Cheap Applebee’s Customers

praiseThis is a prayer for some cheap bitches at Applebee’s who went to Facebook page to complain. Please read this aloud as if you are a Baptist televangelist on the PTL Club. If you can’t do that, I have embedded a video of me doing it for you. It’s below.


Everyone please grabs hands and let’s start a prayer circle for two people who went to Applebee’s and got upset because they didn’t get something for free. I know it’s hard to believe that a corporate restaurant would be so greedy with their money, but what’s even harder to believe is that some people think they are entitled to free food. Poor, poor Pearl just wanted some free bread or rolls to go with her Triple Bacon burger, is that too much to ask? Apparently, at Applebee’s, it is. If only Jesus was there to multiply the loaves of bread, then maybe, just maybe, she could have enjoyed some yeasty deliciousness. Jesus, take the wheel and drive over to a bakery to get Pearl some bread, please. I can only hope that Pearl made it through her dinner and was able to get past the horrific lack of free bread on the table.

And while we say our prayers for Pearl, let us not forget Richard. Dear, sweet, cheap ass, Richard who wanted some sour cream on his quesadillas but refused to pay $.75 for it. Richard must have forgotten that sour cream does not grow on tress and even if it did, Applebee’s still might charge him for it. It’s food, Richard and food is not free. The only thing that’s free in this world is love, unless you are paying a lady of the evening for her time in which case love is very, very expensive. But not as expensive as sour cream. Lord, please watch over Richard as he walks back to his car and drives all the way to Uno’s, using way more than $.75 worth of gas, just so he can avoid paying $.75 for sour cream. And please be with him when he gets to Uno’s and learns that they don’t even have quesadillas on their menu.

Oh it offends me to the soul to hear a robustious periwig-pated fellow tear a Facebook post to tatters, to very rags, to spilt the ears of the admins, who, for the most part, are capable of nothing but dumb shows and 20% off coupons.

Let us pray that Pearl and Richard have found peace, bread and sour cream.


When Your Customer Asks You to Change the Thermostat

giphyI had dinner last night at a really great Italian place called Rubirosa Ristorante. It’s here in New York City and if you’re ever in the the SoHo area, you should give it a try. (No, this is not a sponsored post, I just really liked it.) Anyhoo, we were seated right under a ceiling fan and the breeze was a bit strong. Lucky for me, my hair is as stiff as a Brillo pad, so there was no fear of it messing up my immaculate hair do, but there was some concern that it would make my piping hot ricotta ravioli colder than I wanted. My husband and I briefly considered asking our waitress to turn it off, but then I remembered how I feel when a customer asks me to adjust the thermostat: annoyed. I decided that although the fan was blowing on me, I was only going to be there for an hour or so and it wasn’t the end of the world. The restaurant was packed, the staff was busy and I’m sure they all appreciated that breeze. Why should I request that the environment of the restaurant be changed when I’m not the only one it will affect?

Besides, I know what happens when you ask a server to change the thermostat. This:

When someone asks me to turn down the thermostat because they’re cold:

A video posted by thebitchywaiter (@thebitchywaiter) on

Behold: This Person is Allergic to EVERYTHING, etc.

11214348_10100195737908471_1076607852465295533_nDear Person Who is Allergic to Almost Everything,

Bless your little pea-pickin’ heart for taking the time to go to Vista Print and getting your own little business cards printed up so it’s easier for you to tell me how allergic you are to things: alcohol, vinegar, all oils, shellfish, nuts, seeds, brown sugar, corn starch, corn syrup, gelatin, pectin, dextrose, baking powder, grapes, melon, mangos, canned food, sulfites, etc.

One question for you: what the fuck do you eat??

I can understand how frustrating it must be to be allergic to practically everything. Being allergic to alcohol alone would pretty much do me in. Lots of people are allergic to nuts and shellfish and I suppose it’s possible to be allergic to grapes and melons, but there is one thing on your list that confuses me. How are you allergic to etc? While being unable to eat dextrose and baking powder would be difficult, it must be near impossible to avoid etcetera. When one uses the term “etcetera,” it usually means a continuation of a list indicating further similar items. Are we to assume you are allergic to things similar to sulfites? What the fuck is similar to sulfites? If you are allergic to something and could risk anaphylactic shock by ingesting it, you might want to be more specific than “etc.” I know that sulfites can be found in beer, wine, soft drinks, cookies, crackers, pie crust, pizza crust, dried fruits, fruit juices, pickles, relish, salad dressing, etc, but what if your server didn’t know that and brought you a side of cole slaw that has pickle in it? Would you know to ask if the pickle has sulfites or would you simply eat it and then when your skin develops hives would you call your lawyer first or 911?

“Hello, Bernie? It’s me, Allergy Alice. Yeah, some asshole at Applebee’s just tried to kill me by feeding me sulfites so can you get a lawsuit started? Thanks, hon, I gotta go right now and call 911 before my tongue swells up to the size of a boot. Buh bye.”

If you’re that allergic to so many things and can’t even be bothered to list everything, maybe dining out is not an option for you. I mean, if you’re just going to put “etc” on your list of allergies, how is that supposed to help anyone keep you safe? What if they give you a plate of iceberg lettuce (with no dressing because you can’t have oils, vinegar or sulfites, so here’s a goddamn lemon wedge for you) and you eat it and then you start to wheeze? Is the server supposed to assume that lettuce fell under the heading of “etc” and now it’s his fault? Be more specific, or better yet, stay home. No server wants to be responsible for killing you. It will probably ruin his night and he’ll get a shitty tip from your survivors.

Please go back to Vista Print and order a new business card that says: Water please. That’s it. That’s all I can have. Just water. My life sucks.

Mustard and mayo,
The Bitchy Waiter