A Comment on Comments; the Chili’s Edition

Being the Bitchy Waiter isn’t all peaches and cream. Sure, it’s fun being recognized on the street once every six to nine months. And who doesn’t want to experience the joy of reading hundreds of bad Yelp reviews trying to find the perfect one to make fun of? I also get a lot of messages, about 150 a week. I do my best to reply to as many as I can, but I have an automated response that goes to every single message so that the sender will know that I received it. Every now and then I get a message that can definitely be filed under the “hate mail” category and it happened this week after my post about Chili’s non-existent “Kids Drink [Alcohol] Free” article. It was written with my tongue so firmly placed in my cheek that it looked like I was sucking on a golf ball. The satirical articles are fun to write because they let me say pretty much anything I want to say, but the most fun about them is reading all the comments from people who believe the ridiculousness. I would never expect that someone could believe a major chain like Chili’s would think it’s alright to serve alcohol to children, especially when the names in the article are Gail T. Totaler and Gary Indiana of Gary, Indiana. Nevertheless, there are always people who do believe the articles or get upset that I wrote them.

I awoke this morning to my usual routine of a screwdriver for breakfast while checking my messages on Facebook. One sender, Adam, was very upset with me. So upset, in fact, that he hoped my book does shitty and that I’d get “ran” over by a truck. Well, the jokes on you, Adam, because my book did do shitty and I also hope to get run over by a truck every time I am walking to work. Adam got his Underoos in a knot because his wife works at Chili’s and he felt that my article was going to damage the reputation of the restaurant and cause people to stop coming in. Of course he received my automated response which sent him into a further tizzy. Seriously, his underwear is so far up his asshole that it’s almost coming out of his mouth.

Because I am a giver and like to respond to all of my loving fans, I replied to his message. In fact, we had a full on conversation where he continued to call me a piece of shit and told me that karma is a bitch. Yes, karma is a bitch, but so am I which is why I took screenshots of our conversation so I can share them with all of you. (See below!) He also told me that anyone who bought my book is an idiot, so basically he called about 75 of you idiots. (If you want to be an idiot too, you can buy my book here.) He told me to go fuck myself, which is physically impossible for me to do. Some guys can do that, but not me. My anatomy simply does not work that way and believe me, I’ve tried.

He went on to express his anger that Chili’s may be “loosing” customers because of what I wrote. My thought about that is if anyone read that article and thought it was true and decided to never go to Chili’s again, it’s probably for the best because those people are too stupid to know how to tip and no server would want to wait on them anyway. He also warned me that Chili’s may soon sue me for slander which is simply impossible since slander is a spoken or oral defamatory statement. Mine was written, so maybe they will sue me for libel. I’m not worried though, because I’m pretty sure Chili’s can tell the difference between a satirical article written for a third-rate blog and bonafide news story written by the Associated Press. After one more reply from me, he called me a dick. I am officially done with Adam and this is the final word I have for him. I present it to him (and you) in video format:

 

Applebee’s Servers are Bracing for $1 Long Island Iced Teas in December

This is not a drill. I repeat: this is not a drill. Applebee’s, after the fresh hell of serving $1 margaritas for the month of October, will be torturing their servers and bartenders again when they introduce $1 Long Island Iced Teas for the month of December. I don’t think they have announced this new deal yet, so basically this is a breaking story. This blog post may be stealing their thunder and I am 100% okay with that. I have a total mole who is passing this information on to me and it’s legit. This is the same person who sent me the video of the $1 margarita being made with mostly water and I am praying to the Applebee’s gods that another video like this one soon comes my way:

Late night confession from an @applebees bartender. #dollarita #applebees

A post shared by bitchywaiter (@bitchywaiter) on

As you may remember from your days in college when you hung out at Bennigan’s, a Long Island Iced Tea is made with vodka, gin, rum, tequila, triple sec, lemon juice and Coca-Cola. We can assume that the dollar Applebee’s version will consist of water, a packet of LIT mix and some form of grain alcohol that can also power a riding lawn mower. It will probably be made by the gallon and customers will suck them down faster than Augustus Gloop tried to drink that chocolate river in Willy Wonka. Bartenders won’t be able to make them fast enough because people who go to Applebee’s want that dollar cocktail and they want all of them.

“Bring me one of them Long Island Iced Teas! No, wait, bring me two!”

“I’m sorry,” says the Applebee’s server. “I am only legally allowed to serve you one drink at a time.”

“Alright, bring me one now and then as soon as you set it down order me another one and I’ll be finished by the time you get back to the table. I got five bucks in my pocket and I’m ready to party! Can you just hook me up intravenously?”

Anyone who works at Applebee’s is bracing themselves for a month of sheer, unadulterated hell as customers claw their way to the nearest location to take advantage of this wonderful deal. People will pour themselves into every Applebee’s like clowns in a clown car, making life miserable for the servers who are just trying to get through a day at the Bee’s without committing manslaughter. Tips will suffer because even if someone leaves 20% on their Long Island Iced Tea, it’s a whopping twenty cents for the server.

Godspeed, Applebee’s employees. It’s going to be a tough month for you all. It’s almost like someone in corporate wracked their brain to think of a way to make sure their employees can have as shitty a December as possible. If any of you work there and want to tell any tales, I’d love to hear them. Email me here! Tell me what it’s like. Or send me a photo or something.

And know that I am thinking of you.

Is Chili’s This Desperate for Customers??

In the cutthroat world of restaurant chains, each company is struggling to keep pace ahead of its competitors by offering various promotions intended to bring in traffic. With Olive Garden recently ending its “Never Ending Pasta Bowl” and Red Lobster’s “Endless Shrimp” also coming to a close, the door is open for the next great restaurant promotion. TGI Friday’s offers “Endless Apps” which have proven to be a marketing success and consumers are eager to learn of the next great opportunity. Chili’s has stepped up to the plate with their latest campaign, “Kids Drink Free.”

Starting on December 4 and running through Christmas Day, any child between the ages of 5 and 18 who is accompanied by a legal guardian will receive one free alcoholic beverage when they order any entree. They can enjoy a Loaded Shirley Temple which is the standard ginger ale and grenadine, but this one is served with a one ounce shot of vodka. The Ragin’ Roy Rogers is a Coca-Cola wth grenadine and an additional shot of Mezcal. For an up charge of one dollar, kids can order the Not a Virgin Anymore Pina Colada or a Let it Go Frozen Strawberry Daiquiri which will be served in a keepsake mug emblazoned with the faces of Elsa (for girls) or Olaf (for boys) from Disney’s animated feature Frozen.

Understandably, some parents are upset about this. Says, Gail T. Totaler of Boise, Idaho, “I just can’t believe that a company like Chili’s would offer my child an alcoholic beverage. That’s crazy. Correct me if I’m wrong, but the drinking age is still 21, isn’t it?”

When questioned about this, Chili’s CEO, Wyman T. Roberts released this statement:

We at Chili’s Grill & Bar feel it’s never too early to establish a relationship with our future customers. Today’s Loaded Shirley Temple drinker is tomorrow’s scotch on the rocks drinker and we look forward to serving this customer for years to come. We feel confident in our decision to offer this wonderful promotion to our customers.

When pressed further about the legality of serving alcohol, to a minor, another statement was released:

We at Chili’s Grill & Bar have been accidentally serving minors for years now and we have decided to embrace this action. Cheers!

Not all parents are upset about the promotion. Gary Indiana of Gary, Indiana is looking forward to it. “I usually let my 10-year old have a couple of sips of my beer anyway. Now she can have her own and I won’t have to share. I bet the car ride home will be a lot quieter too since she’s such a lightweight, she’ll probably just pass out.”

Only time will tell if this latest venture will be a win or a loss for the company. Regardless, it is definitely getting people to talk about Chili’s. After all, there’s no such thing as bad publicity.

To read more about the Kids Drink Free promotion, please click here.

One Click Can Help a Friend of Mine

This blog post has very little (okay, nothing…) to do with waiting tables, but I am writing it anyway because I want to ask you all to do me a favor. I have a very talented friend named Melissa who is in a band here in New York City. The band is called Votive Crown. They have been chosen as one of the city’s emerging artists and she asked me to vote for her band so they can be featured prominently on a website that will hopefully help them to the next step of rock star success. I was happy to cast my vote for Votive Crown, but then I thought that I could do more. Here is their SoundCloud link.

We all know that I am an egomaniacal fame whore is desperate for attention, but every once in a blue moon I want someone else to have the attention they deserve. This is why I am asking you to all click this link and vote for Votive Crown so Melissa and her band mates can move up the ladder and hopefully take the prize of being featured on the website. It’s super easy. You don’t have to register or anything. Just click the link, scroll down to Votive Crown and vote for them. That’s it. Melissa did not ask me to do this and doesn’t know that I am doing it. I just want her to get the opportunity to live her dream. She has a day job so that she can pay her bills until her passion and creative energy can sustain her financially. Won’t you help someone pursue the dream of artistic success? C’mon!

Click here. Scroll to Votive Crown. Vote.

Okay. I’m done. Tomorrow I will go back to thinking of new ways I can promote myself, but for tonight I want to shine the spotlight on someone else for a (very, very brief) moment.

Thank you.  xo, BW

A Couple is Naming Their Daughter After Olive Garden

It’s the day after Thanksgiving and if you are still looking for something to be thankful for, you can at least be grateful that your parents didn’t name you after the freakin’ Olive Garden.

Justin and Jordan Garton of Fort Smith, Arkansas loves them some Olive Garden. In fact, they ate there every day for seven weeks when they had one of those Never Ending Pasta Passes. Recently, the happy couple learned they were pregnant after Justin fertilized Jordan’s gnocchi with his bread stick and they knew right they wanted to take their love for Olive Garden to the next level and decided to name their future bundle of baked ziti after the restaurant. Yes, they are going to name their daughter Olivia Garton. They may as well just go ahead and tattoo a target onto the girl’s back because kids are masters at making fun of someone’s name and this name is ripe for picking. Olivia is a pretty name and Garton is mighty fine surname as well, but why the hell would anyone want to put those two names together? It’s as if they want their daughter to hate them.

“Daddy, my friend is named after her great-great grandmother who was a suffragette and fought for the rights of women over 100 years ago. Am I named after anyone cool like that?”

“No, you’re named after that building over on Rogers Avenue, right next to Red Lobster and the Dollar Tree. Now, shut up and put on your mozzarella hat, it’s cold outside, Olivia.”

I suppose it could be worse. What if Justin and Jordan loved Dairy Queen and wanted to name their little boy Hunger Buster Jr., something? Or what if Pizza Hut was their favorite restaurant and the had to name their daughter Lisa Slut? Still, Olivia Garton is pretty bad.

When Justin Tweeted a photo of a onesie that Olivia will be forced to wear very, very soon, an Olive Garden spokesperson saw the Tweet and got a big old minestrone boner about the whole thing.

Said the spokesperson, “We couldn’t have been more thrilled upon hearing about the Garton’s growing family. We always love hearing the unique ways our guests have been able to connect with Olive Garden, and we can’t wait to meet baby Olivia.” They plan on sending food and gifts to the Garton family when the baby is born, which is may be exactly what the parents had in mind the whole time. I bet after their Never Ending Pasta Pass expired, they tried to figure out a way to continue with the piles and piles of pasta and came up with this hare-brained scheme. No word on Olivia’s middle name, but I certainly hope it’s Coca-Cola so mom and dad can look forward to some free carbonated beverages too.

Well played, Gartons. Well played.

We All Have Something to Be Thankful For

On this day before Thanksgiving, I want us all to think of something to be thankful for. Even if you think you don’t have anything to be thankful for, I am here to remind you that you do.

A few days ago, a woman passed away at the age of 85. Her name was Mary Katherine Swearingen Cook, but I only knew her as Aunt Katherine. She was the sister of my grandmother and although it has been well over twenty years since I had seen her, I still had a lot of love for her in my heart. When I was a kid and would spend a few summer weeks in Houston with my grandparents, I would stay with Aunt Katherine on the days my grandma would go to work. I’d hang out and play with my cousins, Joni, Daryl and Kevin who were all a bit older than me, but fun nonetheless. Even though this was over forty years ago, I can still remember what their living room looked like and where I would sit to watch TV. Some days Aunt Katherine would take us all to the swimming pool and she would patiently wait for us while we spent the day playing Marco Polo and jumping off the high dive. Not too many years ago, I wrote Aunt Katherine a few letters just to let her know that she was still in my thoughts. As years passed by, she became less of a presence in my life, but I never forgot how wonderful she always was to me.

As her health declined and her mind was overtaken with dementia, she began to work in her daughter’s restaurant in Crockett, Texas. Joni opened the Moosehead Cafe several years ago and Aunt Katherine worked there doing pretty much what ever she felt needed to be done. I think she cooked at the beginning and eventually ended up running the cash register. My mom told me a story once about a customer who was upset with Aunt Katherine because she had probably made a mistake or was moving slowly, as an 80-year-old woman is wont to do. The man, not knowing this woman was the mother of the restaurant’s owner, went to complain about her. His complaint fell on the ear of my cousin Joni who hear the man out before replying. Joni said something to the effect of, “Well sir that’s my Mama and as long as she wants to stay here and help me she can do whatever she wants to do in my restaurant.” That shut the man up right quick. My mom also told me that if Aunt Katherine ever made a mistake at the cash register, Joni would swoop in to fix the problem with the customer never letting her mother know there was any issue at all. What a wonderful and loving action for Joni to do.

With Aunt Katherine’s passing, it is the end of a generation. She was the youngest of five siblings and she was the last connection my mom had to her own mother. As sad as I am to know that sweet Aunt Katherine is no longer a part of this world, I know my mom is even sadder and I can only imagine the grief of my cousins Joni, Daryl and Kevin. Their Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow might be a sad one, but I’m sure they will all cherish the memories of their mother.

We all have something to be thankful for. Even if it’s just a memory of a time gone by, please appreciate that memory for what it is and be thankful for it. We should be thankful year round and a lot of us are. However, tomorrow is the day we make an active decision to be grateful. Find something you are grateful for and embrace it. Whether it’s your family, your job, a day off, the fact that you have a roof over your head, or even if it’s a distant memory that still makes you smile, be thankful for it.

Happy Thanksgiving. And may Aunt Katherine Rest in peace.