Customer Rips Apart Restaurant on Yelp So I Do the Same To Her

11874046_10153057673824290_43809460_nMost anyone who works in a restaurant has a love/hate relationship with Yelp and when I say “love/hate,” I mean “hate/fucking hate.” Yelp is like the ingrown hair in every restaurant’s ass crack that you try to pluck out but it just keeps coming back like the weed of humanity. Customers look at Yelp as their own personal complaint box and when anything goes against their wishes, they log in and shart out a few dozen words of drivel hoping it will make a difference. Such is the case with Heather M. who was oh so upset when she went to a restaurant called The District Café and Eatery that wouldn’t let her bring in two children with ice cream they had brought from a nearby establishment. Sorry, Heather M., but rules is rules and I have something to say to you:

You have worked in the food and beverage industry for twenty years, so I would think you would understand how it works, but instead, you see your years of service as a free pass to do something no one else is allowed to do. While it’s great that your daughter performed with the Savannah Children’s Choir in celebration of some old ice cream shop, it doesn’t mean you can bring that drippy droppy mess of a free ice cream cone into the restaurant and then not order the ice cream they have probably have on their menu. No it’s not a Happy Meal or a pizza, but ice cream is still food. What part of “No outside food or drinks allowed” do you not get?

Yes, you claim that all five of you (3 adults, 2 kids) were planning on ordering food and drinks, but really? C’mon, Heather M., we all know after a kid finishes an ice cream cone, it isn’t going to order lunch. Unless your daughter worked up a massive appetite because she belted out sixteen bars of high C’s and then twerked her butt off for thirty minutes, she’s gonna say, “I’m not hungry.” When you asked for the manager, did you think that someone who is paid to enforce rules would bend them for you? The server, lovely as she was, already told you what the policy was, but you wanted to go above her.

It’s a shame that you will never go back since you go there so often, you love the food so much and the service is always great. You’re going to give up on a great restaurant because you don’t like their policy of not allowing people to bring in their own food? You claim that the management needs to get a clue. I would say the same thing about you, but you probably couldn’t find a clue even if you were Super Glued to Sherlock Holmes’ toilet and he shit one out right in front of you. You may be disappointed with the restaurant, but I’m disappointed in a 20-year restaurant veteran who thinks it’s okay to slam a business on Yelp. You think it’s sad that you can’t eat lunch at a place that will let your daughter eat her free ice cream, but I bet it’s not any sadder than sitting through an hour performance of the Savannah Children’s Choir warbling out tunes about frozen dessert treats.

I commend the restaurant’s reply to Heather M. because they stand behind their server who was just doing the right thing. The restaurant also gives a very reasonable explanation of the policy. Heather M., I’m sorry to come down on you so hard, but I am firmly on the side of the restaurant. Good luck to your daughter and her Children’s Choir career and I hope you enjoy your time at Treylor Park where she can eat all the free ice cream her little heart desires.

This Yelp complaint was sent to me by Heather M. herself who thought I would be on her side. Sorry, girl.

Here is the restaurant’s most excellent response:

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Lady at Table 56 Wants A (Splenda) Rim Job

lemondrop-martini72I am all for taking in fewer calories. It’s not easy to maintain a slim figure when one is surrounded by fried foods and carbs at the job all day. For this reason, I always choose to have Baked Lays potato chips instead of the good ones and I always only eat half of the donut and then blend the other half into a protein shake. It’s little things like that that keep me trim and fit. I suppose every bit counts but sometimes customers will try anything if they think it will save them from having to spend any time on the elliptical machine.

Last night at work someone ordered a Lemon Drop Martini. I too am a sucker for a Lemon Drop Martini. Truth be told, I am a sucker for anything with the word “martini” in it. If someone created the Spinach and Kale martini, I might finally figure out a way to enjoy vegetable servings. A Lemon Drop is made with citrus vodka, triple sec, lemon juice and served with a sugar rim. It can be all kinds of deliciousness if it’s done right.

“Can you make a Lemon Drop Martini for me?” the lady asks.

“Yes ma’am. Would you like a sugar rim?”

It always comes with a sugar rim, but I get a kick out of asking people if they’d like it. It makes me think of Sheena Easton’s song “Sugar Walls.”  When I was a kid, I never understood what a sugar wall was but now I am pretty sure she was referring to the sweetness of her vaginal cavity. When you mix in the word “rim” it just paints a real pretty picture, doesn’t it?

The woman pauses a moment as she ponders the idea of rimming with sugar. And then, “I’m trying to watch the calories. Can you do a Splenda rim instead?”

“Of course, ma’am. The bartender would be pleased to rim you with Splenda.”

Is she for serious? If you’re trying to cut down on the calories, maybe you shouldn’t be ordering a Lemon Drop Martini in the first place. I looked up the calorie count for a Lemon Drop and it ain’t the sugar rim that’s the problem.

Two ounces of Grey Goose Citron Vodka is 206 calories.
One ounce of Triple Sec has about 125 calories
Fresh lemon juice is calorie free.
One teaspoon of sugar (if you actually used that much for the rim job) is 16 calories.
The total calories for this cocktail is 347.

If she switches to one teaspoon of Splenda (4 calories) for her grainy sweet sugar rim job, she will be saving 12 calories which she already used up when she sucked that bowl of hummus clean and then polished off the cracker crumbs by licking her finger and pressing it against the plate to get every last bit of food.

“Oh, he can give me a Splenda rim?”

“Oh, he can give you a Splenda rim, alright. He’s a pro at rimming. He loves to rim. The sweeter the rim the better. Sugar, Splenda, Sweet’n Low. If he can rim it, he will.”

“That’ll be great! I’d love a Splenda rim!”

She looked relieved like she had just figured out a way to avoid the gym the next day. The bartender gave her the rim job she wanted and it was so delicious and so healthy that she ordered a second one, making for a total of 670 calories for her two drinks. No word on how many calories were in that Red Velvet Cake she split with her friend.

People, don’t pretend that you are on a diet and then drink cocktails. It makes no sense. And if you ask for something as ridiculous as a Splenda rim, chances are good that your waiter is going to make fun of you behind your back fat and maybe even possibly write a blog post about it.

The Stupidest Reason Ever For Not Leaving a Tip

flirtWe servers are asked to do a lot for our customers in order to earn the tips that we receive. Many people seem to keep a mental list of things we should do and as soon as we miss one of them, they have the justification they need to make themselves feel better about leaving a big fat zero of a tip. I can understand how someone would want to leave less than 20% if their server not once filled an empty glass of water, but we know there are people who have had their glass filled ten times, but because there was no eleventh time, the tip is reduced. Or how about that customer who leaves a shitty tip because they said the waitress didn’t smile enough? Nevermind that she got the food out in a timely manner, was efficient and prompt and never made any gaffs. “She didn’t seem happy enough while serving me so no tip for her!” I was recently sent a photo that shows the latest reason someone didn’t feel like tipping and it’s complete and utter bullshit: not flirting.

Why the fuck does a waitress have to learn to flirt in order to deserve a tip? Isn’t it enough that she made sure your goddam burger came out just the way you wanted it: medium-rare but without too much pink and instead of fries you want a salad but only if the salad is with baby greens and if you can’t have baby greens then you want sautéed spinach with no oil or butter and you want bacon but first you need to know where it was sourced from because you can only eat bacon that came form a farm with happy pigs who were slaughtered while listening to classical music. So after the waitress gets your fucking food right, you want her to tilt her head back and laugh while she bats her fucking eyelashes at you, is that it? You’re only gonna leave a tip if she puts on some extra lip gloss and lets her tits rub against your shoulder as she refills your iced tea? Or, what, you want her to talk in a little girl voice as she describes the dessert specials and then tell you how much she loves to eat chocolate in bed or while taking a bubble bath?

Fuck you.

Why don’t you just tip the waitress for the job she did and keep your blue balls out of the decision making process when it comes time to tip? The check was for $12.05 so if you can’t afford the $2.40 the tip should have been, you should just cop to the fact that you’re a cheap asshole who had no intention of leaving a tip in the first place. Save your stupid fucking advice about learning how to flirt and take your ass to a strip club where the women will flirt with you all you want as long as you put dollar bills in their g-strings.
And why do I think that if the waitress had flirted with you, your wife or girlfriend would be the one who grabbed the pen and scribbled out some stupid advice? It would say “Don’t try to steal my man, bitch. That ain’t how you get tips.”

People, please tip your servers based on the job they do for you. If they didn’t bring you your food or if they forgot everything you asked for, of course, let that reflect in the tip. But if in the course of the meal, your waitress never winked at you or pantomimed giving a blowjob, that doesn’t mean she’s a bad waitress. It means she’s normal. If you can’t handle the fact that your waitress doesn’t seem romantically interested in you, you are the one with the problem. Put your hand in your pocket, push your tiny penis out of the way and grab a couple of dollars to tip your fucking waitress.

An Open Letter to the Party of 9 Who Did Not Show Up

gerardterborch_womanreadingaletterDear Party of Nine Who Did Not Show Up:

There is a reason we do not take reservations at my restaurant. You are it. You see, we are a really small restaurant with only about 16 tables. Remember last week when you called and said you wanted a reservation but we said that we don’t take them but you begged us and so we did? We should not have done that.

You called on Wednesday night and said there were going to be about eight or nine of you coming to dinner the following night and could we “please please please with sugar on top” reserve a table because you are you are so totally coming to celebrate your birthday and you don’t want to have to wait when you get there. Against our better judgement, we did it. Thursday rolls around and I am at work. You told us you would be there at 7:30 and that you would call at 6:45 to confirm. You did not call. At the busiest time of the night, I stopped seating five two-tops. Four would have been better, but since you said you might have nine people, I had to save a whole extra table. Do you know how many people I was unable to sit because of your reservation? A lot. “But it will all be worth it,”  I thought. “When the nine-top gets here and everyone has apps and cocktails and desserts and then I get to add a 20% gratuity to the check, it will all be worth it.!” I was giddy with anticipation.

7:00: You did not call to confirm yet, but you must be busy getting ready for your big dinner out.

7:15: “No, I’m sorry, ma’am, that table is reserved, you’ll have to sit at the crappy table next to the bathroom. No, we don’t usually take reservations, but we made an exception tonight.”

7:16: Every table is full now except for the five two-tops I pushed together. I hope no one else comes in right now.

7:17:  “Hello, sir. No, I’m sorry, I don’t have any place to seat you right now, sir. That is reserved. Oh, so you’ll go next door to eat? Okay… good bye. I’m sorry.”

7:19: “Hi there. Table for three? There will be about a 15 minute wait. Yes, all those tables are reserved. Oh, you’ll come back later? Okay, thank you.” They did not come back.

7:25: Almost here!

7:32: Running a bit late, I suppose. No big deal.

7:40: Ummm, where are you?

7:50: Okay, I’m getting pissed off.

8:00: You suck. Where the fuck are you?

8:01: I am breaking the tables apart and seating them meaning that now I am going to get slammed by having five empty tables all become available at the same time. I hate you. Why did you make me keep those tables open for you if you knew you were not coming? Did you lose your cell phone up your own asshole which made it impossible for you to call and let us know you were not going to make it? We went out of our way to give you a reservation and this is what happens? Never again will we “make an exception” because too many times it is not worth it to do so. Our place is small enough that we don’t need to take reservations. We can fill up just by walk-ins. I hope that the birthday celebration sucked. I hope that when they brought out the cake with candles on it, you bent over to blow them out and your eyebrows were singed off. I hope the cake was as dry as Phylis Dillers’s vag. I hope every gift you got was the wrong size and wrong color and that you got no gift receipts. I hope that it was the shittiest birthday you have ever had because you ruined a good portion of my shift. My station sat empty for over an hour and I made no money. I hate you.

So the next time you want to make a reservation at my restaurant and you say “Pretty please with sugar on top can we make a reservation?” my answer will be a resounding NO. No. No. No. We do not take reservations. Fuck off.

The Bitchy Waiter

p.s. You’re lucky that the person who took your reservation did not take your phone number or there would now be a flyer hanging at Queens College that says you are selling an iPad for $100 and to only call after 11:00 PM.

Stupid Employee of the Month Wipes Hamburger Bun on Floor

Screen Shot 2015-08-11 at 11.42.42 AMWhen are people going to realize that if they do something stupid at work and record it with their phone, it will definitely make it to the Internet and get them in trouble? Such is the case with an employee at a Checkers Drive-in who thought it was a good idea to take a hamburger bun and drag it across the floor before using it to make an order. As she giggles with glee and her friend records every second of the nastiness, did no one think “this probably isn’t a good idea?” And then they posted it to Facebook which then made it to YouTube which then went viral and now the chick is jobless.

Of course Checkers has to respond to the incident so they send out their senior vice-president of human resources who reads a statement in front of a camera. Seriously, watch her eyes move back and forth as she reads the cue cards. Bitch needs a teleprompter or at least should have had the cards closer to the camera lens.

The employee has not been identified but we are told that she is “very sorry and embarrassed” about what happened and that the food was “never served to a guest.” Uh huh, right. Sure. She’s apologetic because she got caught doing something that may keep her from getting her dream job at Sonic . She’s embarrassed because there is now video evidence of her wearing that awful Checkers uniform. And I’m sure she told them that they never served a customer that burger with a side of floor-bun, but I bet she did. She spread that mayonnaise and tossed those pickles onto that bun with too much joy to not follow through and serve it to the person who she thought deserved it in the first place.

What have we learned from this incident? Well, a few things:

  • Employees at Checkers are allowed to use their cell phones while at work.
  • Working at Checkers is filled with fun and laughter.
  • The senior vice president of human resources needs a better salary so she can afford a shirt that doesn’t say Checkers on it.
  • Even though the hamburger bun may be rubbed on the floor by a happy employee, at least the happy employee wears plastic gloves.
  • People say “Oh. My. God. Yo.”
  • The ketchup bottles at Checkers are the exact same shade of red as the employee uniforms so someone pays attention to detail.
  • There are more than 18,000 Checkers employees who don’t use their cell phone to record themselves wiping a bun across the floor and just do it for the moment and not the Internet.
  • A burger from Checkers probably tastes the same whether it’s been dragged across or the floor or it hasn’t.
  • This particular fast food employee does not deserve $15 an hour.
  • Don’t fucking record yourself doing fucked up shit at work unless you want to get fired.


Bad Service Every Time You Go Out To Eat? Maybe You’re the Problem

IMG_0988(1)All of us who wear aprons and serve food for a living hear a lot of the same comments from people all the time: why don’t you get a real job, if you don’t like doing what others tell you to do then maybe you shouldn’t be a waiter, your hair smells like food, etc… Another thing that comes up a lot is people who say they don’t tip because their service is always so bad. Take, for example, David who wrote this on The Bitchy Waiter Facebook page:

“Perhaps you should new jobs then, we pay your fking salary and give shit service. Everytime i go out to eat my servers are horrible. So either get a new job, be better at your job or shut the fuck up, thank you.”

First off, David, I could say the same thing about your Facebook posts because from what I’ve seen, your sentence structure is awful and you lack punctuation. Then again, what do I know? I’m just a lowly server who has a book coming out in April of 2016 from Sterling Publishers. The second thing I notice in David’s Facebook post is that he claims to always have bad service every time he goes out to eat. I go out to eat quite often myself and even though the service may not always be spectacular, I find that most of the time it is way above average and very, very seldom is it “shit ass” or “horrible.” This begs the question: do you get bad service because you’re a bad customer, David?

Albert Einstein said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. If a customer repeatedly experiences bad service when they go out to eat, could it be that the customer’s behavior is the thing that is creating the bad service? Perhaps it is possible that David, as well as all the other “David’s” who say their service always sucks, is really an insane person who always barrels into the restaurant with a severe attitude and a desire to piss people off. David, if your server comes up to your table and says something to you like, “hello, how are you tonight?” and your reply is anything other than, “I’m good, thank you and how are you?” your server is going to immediately pull back a bit because you are exhibiting true asshole behavior. Take a fucking a moment to acknowledge the person in front of you rather than immediately asking for a Pabst Blue Ribbon or a sweet iced tea. If every time you go into a restaurant you treat your server like shit, it is no surprise that you always receive “shit ass service.”

A server is always going to give an asshole the benefit of the doubt, but if the asshole never says “please” or “thank you” it’s going to be more and more difficult for that server to give that asshole the service that asshole thinks he deserves. When I go out to eat, I always am very gracious to the person who is taking care of me. I smile and use my manners and consequently, I have stellar service in almost every restaurant I ever go to. The Golden Rule works, David, and if you treat servers the way you want to be treated by them, nine times out of ten, your service will be wonderful. However, if you persist in your negative way of thinking and your likely poor behavior, don’t be surprised if your service is always bad. Like Einstein said, you are doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different response. You, my friend, might be insane and if not insane, then definitely a prick.

You suggest that servers get a new job because you think none of them know how to do it properly. The truth is that most of them are more than able to do their job splendidly but don’t want to waste their time and effort giving good service to someone who treats them like shit and never tips. Rather than every server in the world quitting their jobs, maybe it would be easier for dicks like you to treat servers with respect and see what kind of difference that makes for you. It seems to make a lot more sense for one asshole to change his behavior than for hundreds of thousands of people to leave their jobs because you’re unhappy.

Bottom line: if you are a customer who feels that you always get terrible service when you go out to eat, maybe it’s time to look at yourself and see what you are doing that might be causing it. I guarantee that if you your service sucks every single time, it’s not the server who is the problem. It’s you.