Customer Throws Ketchup Bottles, Caught on Tape

"Don't make me throw a ketchup bottle!"

“Don’t make me throw a ketchup bottle!”

In an effort for customers to keep it classy, the classiest of all classy bitches was caught on videotape being as classy as classy gets. According to DNAinfo, a woman in New York City did not appreciate being asked to be quiet on her cell phone when she waltzed her ass into a Flatiron District diner and and yelled on her cell phone for thirty minutes without ordering any food. When the manager asked her to shut the fuck up, Classy Bitch went ballistic and started trashing the place.

Click here to see the most excellent video.

Latima Brown was out with a friend late one night and went into Malibu Diner at 5:10 AM. Nothing good can ever happen in a diner at 5:10 AM, right? She spit on the manager and then started grabbing anything and everything that could be thrown his way, including a glass of water, sugar caddies and a few ketchup bottles. Latima’s friend can be seen in the video trying to calm her the fuck down, but Latima is having none of it. She has a desperate need to see a ketchup bottle make contact with something. And she does. She is eventually forced out of the restaurant and is caught by the cops moments later. Latima was charged with assault and criminal mischief and was released, which means if you see some grumpy looking bitch coming into your restaurant at 5:10 in the morning, hide your wife, hide your kids and hide your ketchup bottles.

Of course, I wasn’t there, but I work right around the corner from the diner, so that gives me the right to imagine what Latima was experiencing that night caused her such anguish:

Latima and her friend Fantine had just left a late night White Elephant Party. A White Elephant Party, as defined by Wikipedia, is as follows: “each participant supplies one wrapped gift. The gifts are placed in a central location, and participants determine in what order they will take turns selecting them. The first person opens a wrapped gift and the turn ends. On subsequent turns, each person can open a new present or gets the choice to “steal” another person’s unwrapped gift. When a person’s gift is stolen, that person chooses another wrapped gift to open. The game is over when the last person has taken their turn.” Those parties can be really fun, but if you get stuck with a crappy present, it can be areal bummer. Latima was the loser at the party. She was the second to the last person to open a gift and she was surprised and delighted to find a brand new FryDaddy®.

“I want this FryDaddy®, so don’t anybody think you’re taking it,” she said. “I have been craving some fried hot dogs all week and I will fuck you up if you take this mother fuckin’ FryDaddy®, you hear me?”

There was only one person left to play the game and it was Fatima’s arch enemy, Blair. Blair and Latima had gone to high school together and had never gotten along. Blair was prom queen, homecoming queen, valedictorian, most likely to succeed and the drum major. Fatima was none of those things but was voted Blow Job Queen in an informal poll that took place on the wall of the third floor boys’ restroom.

Blair had to choose between the last unopened present or the any present that had been already open. Her eyes fell upon the FryDaddy® that Fatima had already put inside her huge purse. Blair remembered back in high school how one day Fatima had taken the last hot dog in the cafeteria. Blair was before Fatima in line, but Fatima had reached in front of her and grabbed the last one forcing Blair to eat potato chips for lunch that day. Fatima loves her some hot dogs, fried or otherwise. This was Blair’s chance to pay that thieving hot dog bitch back.

“Ummm, okay…I think I want to steal a present that’s already been opened.”

Fatima clutched her purse tightly. “You better be stealing something other than my FryDaddy®, bitch,” she said.

“Well, I really really hate to do this, but…I want… the… FryDaddy®!” She walked over to Fatima and yanked the FryDaddy® from her purse. “You can open the last present, Fatima. Who knows? Maybe it’s another FryDaddy®.”

Fatima was pissed, but Fantine helped calm her down by handing her the last unopened present. Fatima slowly pulled the wrapping paper from the box. The whole room was on the edge of their seat because whatever Fatima got was hers to keep. There is no trading when you’re the last one at a White Elephant Party.

“This better be another mother fucking FryDaddy®!” she said.

She opened the box to reveal her gift: a candle holder that had been made from an old ketchup bottle that had been covered with papier-mâché and dripping candle wax of all different colors.

“Awww, hell no, that ain’t right. That ain’t fucking right. This bitch gets a FryDaddy® and all I get is a shitty ass mother fuckin’ ketchup bottle that some bitch tried to make fancy in a fucking art class in the 7th grade? This is bullshit. Bull. Shit.”

Fast forward two hours later and Fatima is at Malibu Diner still upset and yelling into the phone to her sister about her horrible night. She has every right to be angry. Blair practically stole that FryDaddy® from her. She was so upset that she yelled to her sister for thirty minutes. It is this moment when the manger calmly asked her to please quite down. The rest is caught on tape and now you understand why she was mad enough to throw ketchup bottles at a wall.

Restaurant Owner Calls Out Yelp Reviewer and It’s Wonderful

Sorry, Johnny and Alexa.

Sorry, Johnny and Alexa.

I don’t know many people who work in the service industry who like Yelp. Yelp has become a website that lets people think they are very important restaurant critics who have opinions that matter. Any Tom, Dick or Hairy Asshole can get on their Yelp app and fill themselves with self-importance. Too many restaurant owners and managers live and breathe by the Yelp reviews and when a customer specifically calls out a server by name, it can get pretty dicey. Of course there are times that people will write a review and praise their server and the service, but more often than not, the only time someone bothers with naming names is to place blame and point fingers.

The Australian Grill, a restaurant in Carlsbad, California, has an owner who is not going to let someone post unjustified negative shit about her restaurant and get away with it. When someone named Johnny W. went in recently with a Groupon (I hate Groupon even more than I hate Yelp), he was very unhappy with his experience. Poor little Johnny wanted happy hour drinks with his Groupon even though everyone on the planet knows that Groupon is already a deal and you can’t use it with other offers. “Not valid with any other offers” is printed all over the goddamn Groupon. When the whiny little bitch didn’t get his way, he did what most men with small penises do, which is try to compensate for their lack of size in one area by emphasizing another area. In Johnny’s case, he decided to emphasize his humongous brain and his ability to open up his Yelp app on his phone. He complained about his poor service, the price of the food and the fact that he couldn’t get happy hour prices with his Groupon. He claims that had the service been better, they “probably would have spent much more on food and drinks.” Bitch, please. You already complained that you thought it was overpriced so you expect anyone to believe that had they been nicer to you, you would have been happy to spend more money? He also complains that the owner seemed upset that they only spent the bare minimum with the Groupon. Ummm, hello? Anyone who has ever had the misfortune of serving someone with a Groupon already knows that you are only going to spend the bare minimum. It’s what you Groupon people do. Anyhoo, Johnny threw his review up on Yelp and it’s interesting to note that this is his first and only review, proving my point that people are quicker to complain than compliment. He thought that was the end of it. Nope.

ouch

ouch

The owner, Stefanie, responded and called his ass out by name. Can we get a “whoop whoop” for Stefanie?? She asserts that they were friendly to him until his little bitch ass started to cry when he couldn’t get happy hour prices if he still wanted to use his precious Groupon. She also called him a “seasoned coupon clipper” which is totally mean, bitchy, uncalled for and I love it.  She goes on to call out his friend who was with him, Alexa Kliebenstein. Stefanie tells the world of Yelpers that Johnny W. and Alexa stiffed the waiter by only leaving 18 cents and that they bolted out of of the restaurant with the server not far behind. She also claims that the server fronted them $6 because they didn’t have enough money to cover their check. She makes it clear that they are not welcome back to the restaurant and for other servers to be aware of these cheap assholes.

Stefanie is my hero of the day. She understands that, too often, Yelp is a platform for people to try to negatively impact businesses when they don’t get what they want. It’s important to respond to critics who have unjustified complaints. He has a right to think it’s overpriced, but I looked at the menu and it seems fair to me. It’s more expensive than some restaurants but less expensive than others, so it’s a subjective complaint. He thinks the service was rude but that was only after they wouldn’t give him what he wanted and then he was even ruder in return. And he can’t complain that happy hour and Groupon don’t mix. Rules is rules, Johnny. Suck it up. Thank you to Stefanie for standing up for your restaurant and for your server. You rock.

Riddle: what do you get when you cross a Grouponer and a Yelper?
Answer: an asshole named Johnny W.

My Brush With Mariah Carey

Mariah Loves BW

Mariah Loves BW

If you follow my Facebook page (and why the hell wouldn’t you?), you may have seen my status update that said Mariah Carey was in my restaurant and that she smelled good. I am one of those “bad boys” who carries his cell phone in his apron even though it is against the rules so I immediately went to the restroom to alert anyone who may have cared. I mean, if you were waiting tables and one of the planet’s biggest superstar divas sits in your station, wouldn’t you do the same? Yes. Yes, you would.

yep

yep

Of course, my first thought was “What in the hell is she doing in this dump in Queens?” Yes, my restaurant is in in Queens; the glamour if it all. I’m at work doing my normal thing when four people walk into the place and asked for a table. It was Mariah Carey, her mom (I only know that because I Googled what she looked like), another older woman and that woman’s daughter. It seems that Mariah was visiting her aunt in Long Island somewhere and then she made it to her cousin’s house which is in my neighborhood in Queens. Voila! So, yes, Mariah Carey had lunch with her mom, aunt and cousin and they had me as their server.

Mariah smelled good. She sorta smelled like bacon. You know how when you make bacon at home and your whole apartment smells like bacon for a few hours and sometimes after you leave you catch a whiff of bacon odor emanating from your shirt? It smelled like her aunt had made bacon that morning and Mariah was there when it happened. Perhaps it was her fragrance but I’m pretty sure it was Oscar Meyer.

When I saw them at the door, I recognized Mariah immediately, because I liked her first song “Vision of Love” so much back in 1990. Her other songs since then, not so much.   I asked them if they had a reservation even though there were only two other tables occupied at the moment. I wanted her to feel like she was in a much classier place than she actually was. Let’s be honest. I work there so how classy can it be? Not very. I laughed at my own little joke and took them to the our VIP section, also known as “the back booth next to the restroom.” The first thing I said to her when she sat down was, “Don’t worry. I’ve waited on plenty of celebrities, so you’re in good hands. I’ve served Sally Field, Katy Perry, Suze Orman and Elke Krivat.”

“Who’s Elke Krivat?” she asked me.

“This woman who was married to Ben Gazzara and walked out on her check a few years ago,” I told her.

“Oh, I’ve heard of that cheap bitch before. Fuck her,” laughed Mariah.

At this point, Mariah’s mom piped in. “Language!!” she said.

The table ordered two bottles of Pelligrino and Mariah asked me to bring a bowl of cherries. They didn’t care to hear the specials because they all had their hearts set on a burger.

“This is the best burger in the neighborhood,” said the cousin. “I love it.”

I noticed that Mariah didn’t seem to really care that much about her cousin; she wasn’t really interacting that much and you could tell that this meal was definitely one of obligation rather than pleasure. There were some awkward moments of silence.

“Oh, I wish you could have brought the twins,” said cousin. “I can’t believe I’ve never even met them.”

“I know, I’m so sorry. They both had appointments today though. Monroe had a waxing and Moroccan had a teeth whitening. Bummer for you.”

I brought out their four burgers and fries and refilled their glasses with Pelligrino. I also dropped off another bowl of cherries because Mariah had gone through about ten of them. And every single time she ate one, she put the stem in her mouth and produced it threes seconds later tied into a knot. It was impressive, I must admit.

This is when I went to the restroom to update my Facebook status so the world could know about my celebrity customer of the day. As soon as I posted it, people began to question if it was an April Fools’ joke or not. Over 2,300 people “liked” the status and 130 left a comment. April Fool’s joke? Of course it was. Mariah Carey wouldn’t touch my restaurant with a ten-foot diamond and ruby encrusted pole, darlings.

This is totally NOT Photoshopped.

This is totally NOT Photoshopped.

5 Ways Restaurants Get You To Spend More Money? Yeah, Right.

duh

duh

An article has turned up on Huffington Post called “5 Ways Restaurants Get You To Spend More Money.” It was actually only a partial list that was culled together from another website called The Daily Meal, but since Huffington Post is the one that’s getting more attention, I want to focus on their version of the article. It was written by Dan Myers and here he is on Twitter if you want to tell him hello (Tell him The Bitchy Waiter sent you!). The first sentence that alerts me to the ridiculousness of the article is this one: “Restaurants bilk unsuspecting customers out of their hard-earned cash nearly every time they sit down…” News flash: restaurants are a business and they are there to make money. If you think going to a restaurant is the same thing as going to a food pantry or soup kitchen, you’re dead wrong. A restaurant is not a charity and the servers are not volunteering their time. Everyone working at the restaurant is there for one reason and one reason alone: to make money. We don’t wait tables because it fills a void in our otherwise empty lives or because we always grew up wanting to serve food, we do it because it pays us money.

Shall I reiterate the five ways Dan thinks we are “bilking” customers?

  1. “I would recommend the 2006…” The article says that customers are too embarrassed to order the cheapest bottle of wine on the menu so they order the second least expensive bottle which has oft times been marked up higher than it should be. Why is that wrong? If the customer wants to make sure they aren’t overpaying for a bottle, then look it up on your damn smartphone that you insist on leaving on the table, see how much it is and make an educated decision. Or just embrace your cheapness and order the bottle that costs the least. I don’t see how this is any different than a department store raising the price of a pair of jeans one week just so they can offer at 10% off the next.
  2. More Sneaky Wine Tricks. In my decades of waiting tables, I have never once done what they suggest we might do, which is bring the customer a cheaper bottle of wine and hope they don’t notice. I have also never lied to a customer telling them that we are out of the wine they wanted but I instead offered a similar bottle that is a lot more expensive. I don’t know any server who would do that. Sure, I might lie that the cappuccino machine is broken because I already cleaned it, but that’s not making you spend more money, is it? If you noticed that the server brought you a less expensive bottle of wine than you paid for, you have every right to be pissed off about it, but I resent that the article implies that we do that it all the time. Bullshit.
  3. Power Positioning. “Restaurants design their menu with a goal of ripping off their customers.” Of course the restaurant is going to highlight the items that are more profitable than others. That isn’t sneaky, that’s called advertising and it’s not “ripping off customers.” It isn’t any different than the grocery store putting cereals and candy on the lower shelves so they are eye-level for kids. Any business that is trying to make money is going to do whatever they can to make a profit. It’s how successful businesses are run.
  4. “Would you be interested in any appetizers or side dishes?” Oh, so restaurants are the only ones who suggestively sell? Why don’t I see an article anywhere about The Gap and how every damn time I’m in there buying a pair of jeans they try to sell me some new fucking socks? I also see no article about T-Mobile and how when I went to buy a new phone they made sure to tell me about the protective carrying case, the ear buds, the extra battery and the insurance plan. The restaurant is there to make money, so if you don’t want something that your server is suggesting you buy, here is how you avoid having it added to your bill: you say, “No, thank you.”
  5. “Gratuity has been already added…” Yes, some places are going to add the gratuity, especially for a large party. New laws have passed, so it’s not as likely to happen as often as it once did. If the menu says the tip will be added for large parties and it is clearly added onto your bill and the tip line says “additional gratuity,” whose responsibility is it to know that the tip has been added? The customer, that’s who. If the customer is too drunk or distracted to read a bill and ends up tipping extra, then it’s a bonus for the server. Of course, there is always the chance that three days later that customer will finally look over his receipt and then return to the restaurant with his tail between his legs and ask for that $20 back. The gratuity is not added to scam money from customers, it’s added to protect the server from having his section full all night with a 13-top who decides to leave a 5% tip.

This article is so full of shit and the writer thinks he has cracked some code that no one knew about. For instance, he wants you to pay close attention to the way the server treats you the next time you go to a restaurant. “Odds are they’ll be chummy, like an old friend, trying to help you navigate your way through the menu and order the best food you can. But don’t be fooled: you’re just a paying customer.” No shit, Sherlock, I don’t think any customer thinks otherwise. They know I don’t want to be their friend; it’s as obvious as my Chardonnay breath. I wonder how my tip would be if I treated the customer like a piece of crap? Hmmm, probably not so great, so I’d better be chummy instead. Genius!

This article is just one more example of someone who knows nothing about the food service industry, but is trying to write about the food service industry. Nice try, Dan Myers, but please try again.

Here Is How You Don’t Get a Job

Don't be stupid.

Don’t be stupid.

It isn’t easy breaking into the exciting world of food service; every restaurant wants you to have experience, but no one is willing to give it to you. It’s a horrible Catch-22 kind of situation. My first job in the restaurant business was that of a dishwasher and it only took me a several years to advance all the way to waiter. I got that first job with absolutely no experience because my friend was a waitress at the Sirloin Stockade and since I was only 16, the manager knew that I would do whatever he told me to do, even if it meant washing gravy off of a piece of chicken fried steak so it could be reused for someone who didn’t like gravy. Yes, I was one of the lucky ones who had a relatively smooth entry into the glamor of food service. But what about someone who doesn’t have friends to help them get a job? How do they get that first big break? Well, I can tell you how they won’t get it.

My boss recently placed an ad on Craigslist looking for a server, which either means he is getting ready for the patio to open or he is finally going to fire my drunk lazy ass. He got lots of responses, including several photos of girls with their tits popping out of their shirts, but the one email that got the most attention was from someone who has no experience but sent this cover letter:

hello im able to work any day of the week, I don’t have much experience but im very kind and patient learn fast my mom has been making me clean the table and wach the dishes for years i have been programmed to help people to be nice to people and to make them feel welcomed, to be honestive never had a job but i would love to use my life experience to benefit costomers at a business setting because the costomer is just as important as the establishment.

Okay look, you aren’t doing yourself any favors by sending a long rambling email that has only one tiny bit of punctuation. Of course my boss looked at this email and completely wrote off the sender because no matter how genuine the sentiment is, who the hell wants to hire someone who can’t spell the word “customer?” What is wrong with kids today? According to her resume, she graduated from high school, but do high schools let people graduate even if their final paper is written in text speak? Did this girl really think that an email like that was going to show her in a positive light? Her mother may have “programmed” her to help people but maybe she should have programmed her to know where the shift key is on the keyboard so she can use capitalization every once in a while. And it’s great that you know how to “wach” dishes, but it’s a real shame you don’t know how to spell “wash.” This email came from an iPhone and I can picture this girl riding on the Q32 bus with all of her friends as she applies for a job. “Ayeee, you guys shut up, I’s trying to concentrate over here and you guys is distracting me!”

If this child had taken the time to send a thoughtful, well-constructed letter, I do believe that my boss would have at least called her in to train as a busser. The intention of the letter was clear: she wants a job, she has no experience but she’s willing to learn. However, if you don’t have the mindfulness to at least make sure your email is complete, what makes anyone think you would be good at a job? When an employer has thirty or forty resumes to sort through, you can be certain the first ones to go are the ones with spelling and grammar issues. If you are looking for a job, you have to remember that the email or cover letter is the first and only impression that your possible future employer will have of you. Use Spell Check. Have someone else look over your letter so they can see it objectively. Sign your name. Capitalize “I.” If you send in a half-assed cover letter, not only will you not get the job, there is the slight chance that your email will be printed out and given to someone who will then write a blog post about it and you.

Disney World Aquarium Bursts. But What About the Fish?

buh-bye

buh-bye

Earlier this week, a video made it onto the Interwebs showing a giant aquarium that had sprung a leak at a Downtown Disney restaurant and was gushing out more liquid than the amniotic fluid that flows from Michelle Duggar’s vag after her 28th childbirth. Disney officials say the leak was small but after seeing the video, I would say it’s only small in relation to an extra large order of Nachos Grande from Bennigan’s in 1989, which was gi-normous.  According to reports, the restaurant was not closed down. Thank God, that the restaurant didn’t lose any revenue because that’s what’s important here, folks. Hundreds of fish swimming along minding their own business who are suddenly in peril? Ahh, who cares about them? Well, luckily for you (not really) I came across the last written moments of one of those little fish. When he spotted the leak, he quickly put on his thinking fins, grabbed a piece of seaweed and a pen filled with squid ink and wrote out his final thoughts:

Oh dear, things don’t look good here, no, not at all. I was just swimming along in this big tank at the T-Rex Cafe trying to avoid that guppy who I mated with last weekend when all of a sudden I see something that no fish in an aquarium ever wants to see. No, I’m not talking about the crack in the glass that just opened up and sucked out ten of my best friends. I’m talking about this Finding Nemo wannabe-bitch on the other side of the tank who is trying to steal my thunder. Just because she looks like Nemo doesn’t mean she is Nemo. I was in the damn movie, not her. Maybe I was just an extra in that scene where the sharks are chasing the school of fish, but I was actually in the film. And then this bitch shows up in the tank and just and because she looks like Nemo, she thinks her fish shit don’t stink. I hate that Lola bitch. But I digress…

Yes, there is a huge crack in the fish tank and I just saw three more of my friends get sucked out and tossed to the floor. This ain’t good. This is the most horrifying thing I have seen in the T-Rex Cafe since three months ago when I saw my great Aunt Linda served as the special of the day. There she was on a plate next to some Israeli cous cous and brocolini, head on and staring at me with her cold dead eyes. The worst thing was that the lady who ordered Aunt Linda didn’t know she was going to be served head on and when she started to eat her, one of Aunt Linda’s eyeballs popped out and rolled onto the floor right under table 207. Since none of these lazy servers ever sweep, it stayed there and  I had to look at that eyeball for three weeks.

Okay, the water is getting really low in this tank and no one is doing anything about it except pulling out their iPhones and taking pictures of it. On the bright side, I see Lola getting closer and closer to the crack and with any luck she will be the next one sucked out and will die a slow torturous death drowning in air. Meanwhile, I see a tourist complaining that his martini got fish tank water in it and he specifically ordered his martini extra dry. Real funny, asshole. Fish are dying here.

Annnd there goes Lola! Buh, bye, bitch. At least one good thing will come out of this. This tank wasn’t big enough for the both of us. Okay, honestly, the current is getting really strong and I think I am about to get sucked out too. Why, Neptune, why? Is this how my life will end? I spend my days stuck in a fucking fish tank at a goddamn Disney World tourist trap restaurant and if that isn’t bad enough, I have to die on the floor? At least I had my fifteen minutes of fame in Finding Nemo.

Oh no, this is it! I’m so close to the crack. Just keep on swimming, keep on swimming! I can barely hold on to my pen. Good bye cruel world! I’m coming Aunt Linda, I’m coming. I can’t swim any longer. Oh no! Oh my god…OH MY GOD—-