Someone Did a Study on Restaurant Lemon Wedges (Spoiler Alert: They’re Dirty)

In case you didn’t know it already, the lemons at restaurants are sometimes disgusting little pieces of fruit. And believe me, I know all about disgusting little fruits.

Someone did a study on how dirty the lemon wedges are at several restaurants. I hope they didn’t spend too much time and money on this study, because they could have called me and gotten the same results:

Scientist: So, Bitchy Waiter, would you say the lemon wedges at restaurants are relatively clean?

BW: Fuck, no. Those things are disgusting little pieces of fruit.

And scene.

Five Effective Ways To Keep a Baby From Crying

I often complain about children in restaurants, especially babies who incessantly cry. The only one who should be allowed to cry in a restaurant is me and all the crying shall happen in the walk-in cooler or the restroom. However, I am helpfully offering these tips on how to keep a baby from crying just in case you end up sitting in my section and your baby won’t simmer down. This is a guest post by new mom, Emily Dick. Thanks!  -BW

As a new parent, it can be both exhausting and upsetting if your baby seems to cry a lot. Some parents feel like their baby hates them if they cry all the time, but this is certainly not the case. Babies cry for many reasons, and over time you will learn to read your baby’s cues to figure out just why they are crying. Now, let’s take a look at some simple and effective ways to keep your baby from crying.

  1. Ensure your baby’s basic needs are met

This might seem obvious, but one of the main reasons babies cry is because they are hungry or need a diaper change. If your baby starts to cry, you should first check their diaper is clean and dry, they have been fed and burped, and they don’t need a nap. Overtired babies can be difficult to calm down, and it often takes a while for them to fall asleep. If all their basic needs have been met and they are still crying, it’s time to move on to something else.

  2. Entertain your baby

Often, babies cry because they are simply bored. Try showing them some new toys or sitting them on your lap to play a game such as ‘This Little Piggy’. You can talk to your baby about what you are doing, pointing out different objects around the house. Babies don’t need a lot of expensive toys, and you could try putting together a box of safe household items for them to play with. Try plastic bowls and spoons, wooden spoons, whisks and old cell phones or keys. You could also take your baby out in their stroller and talk about the things you see – perhaps different animals or different types and colors of vehicle. If you feel your baby needs more toys to play with at home, has some great ideas for babies of all ages.  

   3. Ensure your baby is not overstimulated

Babies sometimes cry when they have become overstimulated, and need some time out to relax and unwind. Sometimes, new toys or too many people around can cause overstimulation. In this case, take your baby into a calm, quiet room and perhaps dim the lights a little. Talk to them gently or even sing softly. You can also try swaddling your baby, rocking them gently or even playing white noise such as running the vacuum cleaner or hairdryer.

   4. Take note of your own feelings

If you are getting stressed because your baby won’t stop crying, it’s important to take a step back. Babies pick up on their parent’s emotions, so a stressed parent is much less likely to be able to stop a baby from crying. If someone else can take over, let them do so to allow you to have a break to regain your cool. If there is no one else around, put your baby in a safe place and take a few minutes to breathe and relax. You could try leaving them in their crib for example.

    5. Learn to read your infant’s cues

Crying can sometimes be prevented if you learn how to recognize your baby’s early cues for hunger and tiredness. So, if your baby starts rubbing their eyes, it could be time to put them down for a nap before they start crying uncontrollably. Also be sure to check their diaper frequently, and don’t be late for a feed!

About the Author

Emily Dick is a mom of one, a toddler girl named Daisy. She is the inspiration behind Emily’s new blog, Whooops-a-Daisy. Here, she enjoys writing about a range of topics whether it’s sleeping tips for babies or reviewing the latest toys and gifts for children of all ages.

A$$hole Manager of the Week: Katie

In this week’s edition of “Some Restaurant Managers are Complete and Total Assholes,” we have a story from a restaurant called Cafe 72 in Ewing, NJ. Here’s the rundown:

An employee at the restaurant was looking to get her shift covered in order to attend the funeral of a friend. (Michael Sot, a 20-year old student at The College of New Jersey was acting as a designated driver and his car was hit by an allegedly drunk driver.) The employee texted “katie cafe 72”, the owner of the restaurant, to see if a recently hired hostess was able to go it alone. 

Basically, Katie said no and when the employee explained why she wanted the shift covered, Katie was less than sympathetic:

Just don’t come back to work. I like you but I’m sick of all staff not taking their job seriously and just fucking expect me to cover all of your shifts. I have a business to run at the end of the day. And a family.

The employee replied:

I’m not expecting you to cover my shift, I simply asked if someone was allowed to host. I am a college student that shows up on time for my shifts, so taking this job seriously isn’t questionable. I’m looking for a cover before calling out. It doesn’t get more responsible than that. Letting someone go because of a death is unethical.

Now, this would be a good moment for the Katie to acknowledge that the employee is in fact being very responsible instead of just calling out and leaving the restaurant in a pinch, but Katie doubles down on the bitchiness:

I’m not playing this game. If you can’t work and there is no one to cover the shift in order for the restaurant to operate I have to let you go. Sorry. I don’t feel bad for you so don’t pull the college student unethical card. It’s not the first time. Go to the viewing. Let me know your decision so I know what my plans are for this weekend.

And just like that, Katie went down in history as one of the most unfeeling and unsympathetic restaurant owners in the whole entire world. Of course once the screenshots of the conversation started to make the rounds on the Internet, Cafe 72 got trashed on their Facebook page so they deleted it. Their reviews on Yelp are also in a free fall not unlike me after three too many margaritas. The restaurant did try to do some damage control by posting an apology on their website and donating $1000 to the GoFundMe account for Michael Sot.

In their statement, they say the employee was not fired and that her last shifts happened to be this weekend before leaving for a holiday break. That also say that the texts were taken out of context, but c’mon. The context doesn’t matter when you’re a straight up cold-hearted bitch with no emotion. “I don’t feel bad for you” sounds pretty bitchy no matter what the context is, and I know a thing or two about being bitchy. They also have asked that people STOP with the hate emails, bad reviews and annoying phone calls. Sorry, Katie, you made your bed, now lie in it.

Here’s the bottom line: if you’re a restaurant owner or manager and you expect your employees to give a shit about their job, then you need to give a shit about your employees. Try being human and treating your staff with respect. When you give respect, you get respect. This employee was being as respectful as possible by trying to work with the owner to solve an issue. Rather than cooperating with the employee all that happened was a “my way or the highway” attitude that created this social media shit storm. In your own words, Katie: I don’t feel bad for you.

8 Gifts Ideas For Servers

With the holidays sneaking up on us like a customer trying to be all stealthy and slip into our restaurant two minutes before we close, it’s time to think about the gifts we may be giving to the servers in our lives. Maybe you regrettably decided to take part in a Secret Santa event or perhaps you’re a restaurant manager/owner looking for gift ideas for your staff. Or maybe you’re a genuinely nice person who actually enjoys giving gifts for Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa or the Winter Solstice. Whatever the reason is, I’ve got you covered. And all of these are twenty dollars and under. And here they are:


A “The Customer is Always Wrong” mug by artist Mimi Pond is available at Fishs Eddy and is the perfect gift for your favorite surly server. $17.95, CLICK HERE

Why not a new checkbook from Waiter Wallet? It’s affordable, functional, stylish and will help even the most disorganized server look less like the fuck up we know they are. $18.95, CLICK HERE.

This “Make America Tip Again” t-shirt is a great way to let the world know that we aren’t bringing that fifth Diet Coke refill because we think it’s good for you. We’re doing it for the money. $20.00, CLICK HERE.

How about a big ass box of pens? The next time one of your coworkers ask to borrow one of yours, tell them to go fuck off and get one out of the box. $13.79, CLICK HERE.


The only way to get through a “clopen” is with a a lot of coffee, caffeine, or coke. Whatever you choose to use, put it in this awesome Clopen mug. $12.00, CLICK HERE.


My book, duh. It’s super cheap and super relatable for anyone who wears an apron for a living. It’ll make you laugh and maybe even make you cry. And if you need more of a reason to buy it, this review from a varied Amazon customer ought to do it: “Just one foul word after another. I threw it in the trash.” $14.95, CLICK HERE.


A personalized video shout out from the Bitchy Waiter himself via the Cameo app. You can tell me what to say and I’ll say it (within reason, people.) The video then goes to your friend and they can cherish it forever or until there’s no more room on their phone for it, whichever comes first. $5.00, CLICK HERE.

If saying “corner” is embedded in our brains so deeply that we even say it at the grocery store, why not just wear a t-shirt that says it for you? $19.99, CLICK HERE.

Happy holidays, bitches!

Are These Restaurant Employees Calling For the Murder of Donald Trump ?

Anyone who has worked in a restaurant knows what the term “86” means. (Well, almost anyone, but we’ll get to that later.) To “86” an item means that you will no longer serve it or something is no longer available. It can also mean to get rid of something.

“86 the roast beef” means don’t sell it anymore because there’s none left

“The guy at Table 9 was too drunk, so I 86’d him” means he has been cut off.

We all get that, right? Of course we do, but not everyone is as smart as we are. A Mexican restaurant in Rhode Island called Amigos Taqueria y Tequila is learning that not everyone is as smart as we servers. On election night in November, their staff wore shirts that said “86 45” to show their displeasure with the our 45th president, Donald Trump. My assumption is that they were simply expressing their desire to be rid of him in the same way we will 86 a container of old, soggy carrots that are way past their expiration date and, while still orange, not at all appetizing or appealing. Wearing a t-shirt with a political statement is a bold choice, but certainly one that is covered in our First Amendment rights. No big deal, right?


Rhode Island State Senator Elaine Morgan (R.) didn’t like the t-shirts and said that when using the term “86” about a person, it doesn’t mean the same thing. “For a person it means murder… to 86 somebody means murder,” she said.

No, Elaine, it doesn’t. The people who wore that t-shirt were not crying out for the assassination of a president. It simply means that the owner of the restaurant, Wendy Carr, wants Donald Trump out of office or impeached. Big difference. Because of Elaine’s statement on her Facebook page, the restaurant has been bombarded with bad Yelp and Facebook reviews. Elaine has also called for a boycott of the restaurant because I guess anyone who exercises their right of free speech deserves to have their business crushed by people with small minds who can’t agree to disagree. Some people like Donald Trump. Some people don’t. Deal with it.

The senator claims to have worked in a restaurant and says she never heard that term before.

Umm, Elaine, were you a fucking hostess for like one day before you quit? Because that is literally the only way you could have worked in the restaurant industry and never heard that phrase. Why don’t you 86 the fear-mongering and let this business live their life? If you don’t like the t-shirts they wore for ONE DAY, then don’t go there to eat. The next time you want a burrito, just drive over to 7-11 and get one that you pop in the microwave and leave Amigos Taqueria y Tequila out of it. There is no way in hell the t-shirts were calling for a murder. Get the fuck over it, Elaine.

What about you guys? Do you think the t-shirts were calling for the murder of Donald Trump or were they just expressing their dislike for the container of old soggy carrots Donald Trump? 

Teen Fired After Grilling a Rat at Restaurant

A restaurant in Hawaii has been temporarily shut down so that it can be completely cleaned and sterilized after video surfaced of an employee grilling up a rat on the same grill that’s usually reserved for hamburgers. Yes, someone grilled a fucking rat. Not only was someone stupid enough to do it in the first place, they also thought it was a good idea to video the experience it and post it on social media. Here’s the kid who makes bad decisions:

Teddy’s Bigger Burgers on the island of O’ahu is where the scene took place, so if you have any plans to go to Hawaii, you might want to steer clear of that particular restaurant for a while.“We are horrified that a former teenage employee would conduct themselves in that way and make such a video of which we are investigating its authenticity,” said Teddy’s President Richard Stula, in a statement to Hawaii News Now.

Okay now, all together: what the fuck? Who thought this was a good idea? Sure, the employee is just a teenager, but when I was a kid, I would have known it was probably not the best idea to grill a rat at work. My level of stunt queen action was more like loosening the lid on a salt shaker or tapping a stranger on the shoulder and pretending it wasn’t me. Never in a million years would it have occurred to me to find a rodent and cook it.

The kid was fired from this job, but I worry about his next one. What if he ends up working at the Gap and tries to force a rat into a pair of skinny jeans? Or how about he gets a job at Best Buy and forces a rat into buying three years of an extended warranty from the Geek Squad? The humanity! Are the rats of Hawaii ever going to be safe from this monster?

Bottom line: if you work at a restaurant and see a rat DO NOT GRILL IT. Ignore that rat and pray to god it gets caught in one of the dozens of traps distributed throughout the restaurant. Grilling a rat is never going to be the right choice in any situation. Ever.