Pro Tips From an Ex Red Lobster Server on How to Survive Endless Shrimp

Thank you to Jake Columbo, former Red Lobster sever for this most important of blog posts.

Take as many orders for shrimp refills as they will let you when you take their initial order. Overload them with shrimp. Fill their table with shrimp. Bury them alive at their table in popcorn shrimp so that they must eat their way to freedom. Dump buckets of the buttery shrimp scampi over their heads so they can’t stand up on the slippery scampi buttered floor, but must crawl to the door, sliding their fat little shrimp filled bodies across the tile floor to the exit so they can finally leave this shrimpy nightmare that red lobster had lured them into. Make it so that just the thought of the meaty little sea buggers makes them panic. Make them never be able to see a shrimp again without screaming and having flashbacks of their red lobster endless shrimp nightmare.

That, my friends, is how you deal with Red Lobster Endless Shrimp.

Woman Has the STUPIDEST Reason for Leaving a Bad Review

There are so many clueless customers wandering about in our world and ending up in our restaurants. Each day, we come across one who is more pea brained than the one before and I feel it is my duty to educate these people so their brains can grow beyond the size of a pea and maybe aspire to be as big as a green grape or maybe even a walnut. Today’s uneducated customer is Gaby who does not recommend a restaurant called Spitz and the reason she does not recommend them has got to be the stupidest, most ridiculous reason I have ever come across.

Short version: Gaby wanted a place to eat her leftover tacos and do some work on her laptop while enjoying the sunshine. Because of road construction, I guess her usual park bench, milk crate, or flattened out cardboard box that she usually sits on was unavailable so she went to Spitz to sit on their patio.

Says Gaby: “I realize we didn’t purchase our food from them but I did not expect them to come outside and tell us to leave.”

Really, Gaby? You thought it would be alright for you to take up a table at a restaurant that you didn’t order food from? A “tiny little outdoor table” is just as important as an “indoor booth.” Did you think they would welcome you with open arms and thank you for using up space reserved for paying customers? Wake up and smell the idiocy, Gaby.

“If I owned a restaurant and a someone wanted to sit at my outdoor table and work on their laptop I would never go and tell them to leave,” she says.

Here is my suggestion to you, Gaby. Please do go and open a restaurant and let us know where it is. That way, we can all show up to it with our homemade sandwiches or something that came from Spitz and sit in your establishment. We will also bring our laptops and work there all day long using your wifi. You will have free wifi, right, because you totally should. You absolutely must. And then, when you have a customer who wants to actually pay money to sit in your restaurant but all of the tables are full with those of us eating leftover tacos, you can just tell them, “sorry, we’re fully booked.” And then at the end of the day when you are counting your receipts, you will realize why you can’t let non-paying customers use your restaurant as a place to hang out. That’s what fucking parks are for. Come on, Gaby.

Maybe Gaby just doesn’t see what she did as wrong, but I am hopeful that my gentle and nurturing lesson in restaurant etiquette will clear things up for her. I am also hopeful that she will see the error in her taco eating ways and eventually delete this review. Surely if enough of us share this post, it will make its way back to her and she’ll be all, “Oh my god, thank you, Bitchy Waiter. Thank you for teaching me that I am not the most important person in the world and that a business owner has every right to ask someone to leave if they aren’t a paying customer. I know now and the next time I want to eat leftover tacos in the sunshine while working on my laptop, I will walk past all the construction until I find an appropriate place to do so. God bless, you Bitchy Waiter. You’re the greatest.”

You’re welcome, Gaby.

An Open Letter to a Cheap Woman Named Heather

Dear Heather,

I have to hand it to you, because this is a new reason for someone to leave a bad tip: over efficiency. Really? So let me get this straight: not only was your server efficient, she was too efficient? Like, when you wanted another fucking lemon slice for your water, she was there with it before you even had to ask for it and that upset you? And when you asked for a pumpkin spiced macchiato with half decaf and half regular with mostly skim milk but just a drop or two of cream, your server made it exactly to your specifications and that was wrong? What the hell is your problem? That’s not rude, that’s a job well done.

Look, Heather, a good server who is doing a good job is going to be efficient and for you to leave a 5% tip for someone who is doing their job pretty much exactly the way they’re supposed to says a lot more about you than it does about the server. It says you’re cheap. I bet if the server didn’t do a good job, you would have left a note on the top of the credit card receipt that said “service was inefficient” and you would have left the same exact five percent fucking tip.

The next time your server is “over efficient” and you don’t like it, why not just tell them what you don’t like about their service? Oh, wait, I know why. It’s because then you wouldn’t have an excuse to leave a shitty tip. Well, I’m sure you would, but you’d have to find another reason to justify it. Something like the music being too loud, or the sun was shining too brightly or you wanted your burger cooked somewhere between medium well and well done, but not so done that it was dry but no pink at all and then it came out and it wasn’t how you had imagined it.

If you don’t like “rude” servers who are trying to fill your water and clear your plates, maybe you should eat someplace else, like, maybe your own home. There, you can eat your meal just the way you fucking want it, without a bothersome server who is just trying to do their fucking job.

You suck, Heather. And if you want to know what the true definition of rude is, it’s leaving a cowardice note on the top of a credit card receipt that tries to justify a $2 tip on a $44 bill.

Mustard and mayo,

The Bitchy Waiter

p.s. Heather, if you would have left 20% then maybe the server could have gotten her nails done.

My Public Apology to Chili’s

Okay, okay, okay. I fucked up. I am not one of those people who can’t admit his mistakes and in my last blog post I did a disservice to Chili’s. I implied they were being dishonest with their calculated tip suggestions because of a photo someone posted onto Chili’s Facebook page. According to the photo, the the tip suggestions were off by quite a bit.

Well, you guys let me have it and rightfully so. Most people seem to believe that the gratuity guide was based on the original total before any discounts or before the check had been split. The woman who originally posted the photo said she had no discounts, but she never said that she hadn’t split the bill with someone else. I suppose I should have attempted to see the whole receipt before I blogged, but I failed to do so.

This is my heartfelt apology to Chili’s:

Look, I’m sorry, Chili’s. Sometimes, my blog thirsty brain jumps to conclusions and drags someone or something thorough the mud without a thorough investigation. It’s my fault and I wish I hadn’t done that. Surely, you care about your customers more than I implied that you do and you would never cheat them out of anything. I should have known that if you were going to be dishonest with your customers and cheat them out of money that you would have done that so it would line your own pockets and not the aprons of your servers. Silly me. I wish I could make it up to you. If there was a Chili’s near me, I would go there now and order some Crispy Cheddar Bites followed by a Honey-Chipotle Half Order of Ribs. I would wash it down with two or three of your famous margaritas and then for dessert I’d eat a Skillet Chocolate Chip Cookie and then tip my server 40%. Then, when I got home and pooped it all out, I’d think of you as I watched it swirl away goodbye in my toilet. I did you wrong, Chili’s and I’m sorry. I’ve never admitted this, but you were one of my first dates with my husband 27 years ago. Then, a few weeks later, that’s where I broke up with him. Don’t worry, we got back together and everything, but Chili’s was an important part of my life back in the early 90’s. I shouldn’t have treated you so poorly. I hope you will accept my apology. By the way, please don’t take this to mean that I will never publicly trash you again, because I probably will. It’s just the next time I do it, I’ll make sure you deserve it.

Mustard and Mayo,
The Bitchy Waiter

Is Chili’s Being Dishonest With Their Customers?

As you all know, I am on the server’s side 99.9% of the time. I want what’s best for those slingers of the hash, those wearers of the apron, my people. I believe in tipping 20% for a job well done and when I say 20%, I mean of the total, not the total before tax. That being said, I do not approve of a restaurant inflating the suggested gratuity totals that so often show up at the bottom of the receipt.

I’m talking to you, Chili’s.

A customer named Lacy went to Chili’s last week and posted a photo of her receipt on the Chili’s Facebook page questioning the charges. Her bill was $35.18 and Chili’s suggested a 20% tip of $10.97. No, Chili’s. Twenty percent of $35.18 is $7.04.

In fact, all of the totals are way off. They are suggesting that a 22% tip on $35.18 would be $12.06 when in fact that would be a 34% tip. Don’t get me wrong, we would all love a 34% tip, but don’t fucking lie about it.

Please get this shit fixed, Chili’s. We servers don’t need any more reasons for customers to question whether or not they are going to leave us a tip and if you are going to inflate the suggested gratuities, that is not going to help us. Maybe you are under the assumption that your customers are stupid and won’t pay attention to complicated issues like math, but I would venture a guess that at least one third of your customers aren’t idiots and might notice your sneaky ways. Lacy did.

Maybe this particular location thought they were doing their servers a favor by saying 15% when they meant 23% and saying 18% when it’s really 28%, but that’s not cool. Personally, I want to earn my 23% tip and not get it dishonestly. Maybe some servers will disagree with me here, but I think most will feel the same I do.

Chili’s, please look into this. Most of your servers are doing the best possible job they know how to do and if you are going to ruin their intentions by trying to be all sneaky sneaky on their behalf, it’s not doing you anyone any favors. Your customers won’t trust you (rightfully so) and your servers won’t trust you because if you are willing to cheat your customers, why would they think you wouldn’t cheat them too?

Perhaps there was some type of coupon involved, but Lacy doesn’t mention that in her post. And Chili’s even responded to her comment admitting it does not look right. What is going on??

Get your shit together. Here, I fixed it for you:

How To Get the Olive Garden Pumpkin Cheesecake Before Anyone Else

Open up your mouths and every other orifice because it’s that time of year again when everything will suddenly become pumpkin spiced, from coffee to candles to condoms. Not to be outdone, Olive Garden is jumping on the pumpkin bandwagon by introducing a limited time only Pumpkin Cheesecake.

The dessert has a chocolate cookie crust, pumpkin cheesecake, with a layer of brownie, and a drizzle of chocolate fudge on top. And if that wasn’t enough it comes with a side of whipped cream too because is it really pumpkin flavor without a dollop of whipped cream? No, Karen, it isn’t. It will be on the menu at Olive Garden starting on September 24th, but if you absolutely cannot wait for it, you don’t need to. This week, the restaurants will have a small supply on hand if you want it now. Olive Garden is calling it a “sneak peak week.” But how do you get it if it’s not on the menu? There is a special secret code you have to use and I have it for you here.

After you sit down and as soon as your server approaches the table, you must be ready. Say the following exactly as written:

Pumpkin, pumpkin on the plate. I must have pumpkin, I can’t wait.

Pumpkin Cheesecake with whipped cream. Pumpkin Cheesecake makes me scream.

Breadsticks on the window panes. Shoot that pumpkin in my veins.

If by chance the cheesecake’s gone, you will find me on your lawn

Crying, begging wanting more, for I am just a pumpkin whore.

Once you say that, the server will respond with the required response of:

Calm the fuck down, bitch. It’s just cheesecake, relax.

Enjoy!