delete

Servers DO Have Names, You Know

I do have a name.

I do have a name.

Dear Customer,

I have a name. I may not give it to you every time you sit in my section and I may not wear a name tag that tells you what it is, but I can assure you that my name is not “Diet Coke.” It is not “More Coffee” and it is not “Come Here.” When I walk past you and you are need of something, a simple tilt of your head and making eye contact with me should be enough to alert me. If you know my name, feel free to use it. If you don’t know it, and I don’t necessarily expect that you would, you can say, “excuse me” or perhaps you can say, “pardon me, waiter.” What you should not say is, “water.” That’s not my name. I don’t call you “Hurry Up” or “Tip Me” or “Goddammit, You’re Fucking Annoying The Hell Out of Me,” do I? No, I don’t. I call you “sir” or “ma’am” or “miss” because it’s polite.

Also, when I first go up to your table and say hello and ask you how you’re doing, you are not doing “bread.” You may be doing fine, okay, great, alright, good, so-so or terrific, but you’re not doing “bread.” You’re not doing “I need more time” either. Those are not states of being. Those are needs and they should be used with other words like “please” and “thank you.” It’s called having manners.

Yes, I am your waiter and I am here to serve you. It is, by nature, a job of subservience, but it does not give you the right to treat me as if I am your own personal robot servant who has no feelings, no respect and no fucking name. We don’t have to introduce ourselves to each other in order to have a healthy 45 minute relationship as you cram food into your mouth and I bring you ketchup, mayonnaise, napkins, more napkins and a refill of Diet Coke on five separate trips. Names aren’t essential for this transaction. All I ask is that you don’t call me “Hey” or “You” or “I Need…” We’re not best friends and I don’t need to see you on Facebook or know the last four digits of your social security number. I just want us to be friendly to each other. If we use names, that’s great. If not, that’s fine too.

But if you call me “Diet Coke” one more time, I will call you “Fucking Asshole.”

Mustard and mayo,
The Bitchy Waiter

 

 

delete

If Siri Was a Waitress

Screen Shot 2014-10-08 at 2.13.07 PM

“How can I help you?”

Thanks to Jimmy Kimmel, we now know what a shitty waitress Siri would make. I don’t have an iPhone, so I can’t speak personally about everybody’s favorite bitch, Siri, but this waitress reminds me of a girl I used to work with in Texas. She could never get anything right and we were all convinced that she had a soft spot in her head. I saw  her one time sitting in her car before work and it looked like she was sniffing a spray paint can. When I asked her what she was doing, she told me she liked to smell her can of hair spray in the morning, because it reminded her of her grandma. Ummm, okay. I think it made her stupid.

 

Anyway, this video makes me wish I could do this to every customer who sits in my section just so I could see how far I could go along with it.

delete

This is What We DO NOT Want For a Tip

This is not a tip.

This is not a tip.

You want to know what your server wants for a tip? Money. Preferably cash money but if you want to put it on a credit card that’s fine too, we’ll take it. We want 20% of the total of your check. You can bitch and whine about how you think that the restaurant should be paying the server’s salary and it’s not your responsibility, but you know what? If you live in the United States, this is the culture we have so for whatever reason, it is your responsibility. Suck it up and deal with it or move to Europe where servers make more per hour and tips aren’t as important as they are here.

You want to know what we don’t want for a tip? A pile of fucking coupons. What are we supposed to do with those? “Hey, Mr. Landlord, thanks for the roof over my head for the last thirty days, it was great. I appreciate it so much and I want to show my appreciation by giving you this pile of coupons that some cheap bitch left me last week.” No, it does not work that way.

Someone sent me this photo and this is what they actually received for a tip: coupons. A lady took the time to go through the weekly circular of the Piggly-Wiggly or whatever, find some scissors and cut these out for her server. Or maybe she didn’t have any cash and she pulled out her coupon wallet and “made it rain.”

$1.00 off Russell Stover Candy: Who the fuck wants to eat Russell Stover candy? That’s the shit you buy at the damn drugstore the night before Valentine’s Day because you have absolutely no other option and you’re alright with your girlfriend being royally pissed off at you. You buy Russell Stover for your mom’s birthday when you’re in the third grade because you think it’s fancy. Potheads with the major munchies would probably even skip over a bowl of Russell Stover candy and eat the cushions from their couch first. Nobody wants Russell Stover Candy and you don’t leave a coupon for it as a tip.

$1.00 off Lancaster Brand Pizza: I don’t even know what “Lancaster Brand Pizza” is. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t want a coupon for Stouffer’s or Totino’s either so don’t get any bright ideas. But a dollar off a fucking frozen pizza? Wouldn’t that pretty much make the pizza free? “But it’s for cheese, pepperoni or combo,” I can hear Coupon Queen saying. “It’s such a great deal!” No. it’s not a great deal. It sucks but probably not as much as a lLancaster Brand Pizza does.

Free bottle of water: Wow, it’s up to a $1.19 value, but you have to buy something called  a Planters NUT-rition Tube before you can claim that valuable bottle of water. A NUT-rition tube? What is that? A tube of nuts? It sounds like something Mr. Peanut would buy at a sex shop along with some Planters Lube and a cock ring for his Macadamia nuts. No thank you.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup: Another candy coupon, great! The person who sent me the picture pointed out that there is a whole punched into this coupon so it was invalid. That’s right, the bitch tipped with a used fucking coupon. She probably still had Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup breath when she sat down to order. Then again, that peanut breath may be from the blow job she gave Mr. Peanut out in the parking lot.

People, don’t insult your server by leaving coupons as a tip. Those four coupons were for a total of $3.19 so it’s a shitty tip even if they wanted to use them. Don’t assume that your server is going to be grateful for bestowing upon them the opportunity to get items from the grocery store that they probably don’t even want. It’s rude, disrespectful and cheap. In addition to all those things, you run the risk that your server is going to take a picture of it, send it to The Bitchy Waiter who will then make fun of you for performing fellatio on an animated mascot for nuts.

Bottom line: do not ever leave coupons as a tip.

mr-peanut

This is a repost after the original posting of this was accidentally deleted.

delete

The Most Epic Yelp Response Ever!

There’s a big story out there on the Internet and it involves Yelp, a restaurant in Kansas City, Missouri called Voltaire and a disgruntled customer by the name of Sonal. Sonal got a huge bug up her ass when the restaurant wouldn’t do take-out for her even though it says right there on their Yelp page that the restaurant does do not do take-out. She threatened to write a bad review about them on Yelp and she did indeed did that.

What happened next is epic: the restaurant owner, William G., responded to the review and it is brilliant. Below, you can see the whole thing. I can add nothing else to the story except that William G. is a hero.

Here is Voltaire’s Facebook Page. Go give them some love and tell them the Bitchy Waiter sent you.

 

 

Yelp!

Yelp!

Yelp!

Yelp!

 

Yelp!

Yelp!