It’s a Thin Line Between Love and Hate

Many if us who work in restaurants have a love/hate relationship with our customers. On the one hand, we know that if it wasn’t for paying customers who come into our restaurants to enjoy a night out of dining we wouldn’t have a job. On the other hand, people suck. There are two men who come into my restaurant semi-regularly and each time I see them, I struggle to keep my face from revealing my true emotions. If ever there was a reason for me to use Botox, this would be it. I smile, say hello and go into hyper-server mode in order to get through the next hour with them. The last time they were in, I put some notes down on a bev nap about what it is about them that irks me so.

  1. They always order their food directly from our open kitchen. One time I described the special in great detail, answering a multitude of questions about the type of fish and how it was prepared. After he finally exhausted my knowledge about a fucking catfish fillet and some corn succotash, he decided to order it. When I rang it in, the cook asked me if this was another order for the special or was it for the guy at Table 15. Turns out, he had already ordered the special ten minutes earlier and was just wasting my time asking questions he either already had the answer to or didn’t care about. I hate them.
  2. They call me baby. Maybe it’s because they’re gay and they know I’m gay so they feel comfortable referring to me that way, but it makes me feel gross. And the way they say the word “baby” sounds like how Jackée Harry would say “Mary” on 227. I imagine they’re the kind of people who call each other Mami and Papi while making sweet love on their waterbed as Barry Manilow croons “Mandy” in the background. “Baby, can I have another glass of wine?” “Thank you for the extra napkins, baby.” “Oh, baby, can I get the check?” I hate them.
  3. They bring in their “service dog.” We all know that fleabag isn’t a service animal and it’s not emotionally supporting anyone. It sits there under the booth on its disgusting towel and licks its ass the whole time. And don’t think I don’t see you feeding it. The only time that dog pulls itself away from the intense focus of self ass licking is when you feed it a bite of roasted chicken with your fingers that you then use to feed yourself. You’re basically tasting your dog’s ass and I can’t freaking handle it. I hate them.
  4. They always want extra tentacles in their calamari. I don’t begrudge anyone for having a preference of tentacles over rings when eating calamari, but expecting the kitchen to sort through a bowl of raw calamari just so you can have a 70/30 ratio of tentacles and rings is a bit much. Just eat the calamari, guys. If your dog can eat its on ass, you can surely eat some calamari rings. I hate them.
  5. They walk through the restaurant like they own the place. It’s as if they are holding court at Table 15 and they think everyone else at the restaurant should be grateful for their presence. Never mind that Table 15 is a booth for at least four people and they always want to sit there, ignoring all the two-tops. I suppose they want the booth so that their dog has a place to stretch out as it farts and wheezes in between ass licks and bites of roasted chicken. I hate them.
  1. They always tip 25%. I love them.
  2. They always tip 25%. I love them.
  3. They always tip 25%. I love them.
  4. They always tip 25%. I love them.
  5. They always tip 25%. I love them.

Employee Takes Bath in Wendy’s Sink Because Dumb

“Welcome to Wendy’s. Can I help you?”

The Wendy’s in Milton, Florida is going to be hiring very soon because a bunch of people are about to have their asses fired after an employee took a damn bath in the kitchen sink.

If you happened to be at that particular Wendy’s that day, I’m sorry your Barbecue Cheeseburger Triple, Baconator Fries and Vanilla Frosty took some extra time but it’s because every other employee was busy recording the idiot taking a damn bath in the kitchen sink. An Operations Manager for Wendy’s says they do know about the video and are investigating the situation. He has no comment at this time.

Spoiler alert! Here is his future comment:


We do not know what would compel a person to strip to his underwear and soap it up in the sink of a Wendy’s while his co-workers laugh and encourage the behavior, but speaking as a former young person who once egged his high school drama teacher’s house, I know that young people make bad decisions. Was getting into a sink at work to take a bath a bad idea? Yes. But allowing your friends to record you as you do it and then letting them post it to social media is way more stupid. In my day, if I was going to do something dumb like steal a potted plant from a garden center at 11:00 at night, at least I knew nobody was going to record it with their phone. The only way you could record things in those days was if you were rich enough to afford a video camera and then strong enough to be able to carry it for more than ten minutes.

This kid in the sink is going to get fired. His co-workers are going to get fired too. And then they’ll all get jobs at Tastee-Freez, Little Caesars or McDonald’s which are right down the street. Their lives will go on and they’ll each have a story to tell their grandkids. Well, they won’t have to tell the story because they’ll be able to Google it and show the story. Unlike me, they won’t be bogged down trying to describe exactly what it was like when I may or may not have stolen a shit ton of lawn ornaments from around the city and then deposited them all onto my friend Tracy’s front yard. (Dammit, I wish I had video of that. Kids today have it so easy.)

What can we learn from this video? Three things:

  1. Cleanliness is next to godliness.
  2. It’s good to have fun while at work.
  3. If you’re gonna do something stupid at your job, put the damn phones away before you do it. Be a kid and make bad decisions, but don’t do something stupid just for clicks and views because that video will follow you for the rest of your life.

I Am In Love With These Server Books

I am always on the lookout for things that are going to make our lives as servers better, easier or more fun. Since I have not yet discovered a way for frozen margaritas to be intravenously injected into my veins while working my Thursday night shift which would make being at work infinitely better, I have to settle for a cute server book instead. It’s the little things, y’all. is a great website with so many cute server books and even though they don’t get me a little bit tipsy, they are super adorable. I am currently fixated on this bright pink hologram book for two reasons:

  1. Everyone looks good in pink.
  2. Gay pride is a month away.

server books

I am also considering this Day of the Dead inspired server book that is covered in skulls because if there’s anything that can make me feel better about bringing Table 11 yet another ramekin of lemon slices for their salmon, it’s looking into my apron and knowing that the end is near.

server books

Or perhaps I’ll choose the book that is covered in purple unicorns. If I’m gonna insist that we play the Britney Spears music channel while we’re doing the closing sidewalk, I may as well embrace the sixteen-year old girl who lives inside me and have a server book that matches my attitude.

server book

Anywho, I just wanted to put it out there, because whenever I see something that I think y’all might like, I want to share it with you. Check out their server books at and if any of you get one, send me a photo of you using it at work! I’d love to see it.

Bartender Charged For Serving Gunman Before Mass Shooting

Lindsey Glass

A Texas bartender has been charged with criminal negligence and faces a year in jail and/or a $500 fine after she served Spencer Hight who had too much to drink and then went to his ex-wife’s house to kill her and seven other people. The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Code states that a person is criminally negligent if they sell “an alcoholic beverage to an habitual drunkard or an intoxicated or insane person,” so since bartender Lindsey Glass was the last person to serve him, she must be somehow responsible for a crazy-fuck named Spencer Hight shooting up eight of his friends.

The story is complicated because Lindsey personally knew Spencer and even texted a fellow bartender/friend that “Spencer has a big knife on the bar and is spinning it and just asked for his tab and said I have to go do some dirty work … Psychoooooooo.” She also texted that he was being “drunk and being weird” and had “produced a pistol from his front pocket and put it on the table.”

So what’s Lindsey supposed to do? We all know that if the guy showing off a knife was a stranger, she would have called the cops immediately, but since Spencer was an acquaintance, maybe it wasn’t as simple a decision. Or maybe he always pulled this kind of shit and she had no idea he was any more dangerous this time than any other time he’s acted “drunk and weird.” (She did call 911 after he left the bar.) Perhaps Lindsey wanted to give him one more drink just so he’d calm down or pass out and hopefully sleep it off. I’m not saying that she should serve an obviously inebriated customer more alcohol. All I’m saying is that it’s complicated to cut someone off, especially someone you know personally.

Some of the families of the victims filed civil suits against Lindsey but those suits were eventually dropped. However, she still faces the criminal negligence charges.

Is that right? I don’t think this girl should go to jail just because she had the misfortune of being the last person to serve a drink to someone who already had a pretty good plan to go do some damage. I understand that the families of the victims want someone to pay for this since Spencer ended up dead that night too, but the bartender? If you’re looking to place blame, you can look at the person who sold Spencer the gun. Or maybe the person who sold him the bullets. Hey, why not sue the GPS company that gave him directions to his ex-wife’s house or maybe the gas station that allowed Spencer to have enough fuel to drive there? This bartender is going to spend the rest of her life regretting that night and she certainly doesn’t need a year in jail or a fine to make it more imprinted in her memory.

We as servers and bartenders do the best we can do when it comes to serving alcohol. How are we supposed to know if someone who sits in our section is a “habitual drunkard” when they sit down and order a Jack and Coke two minutes after the first time we’ve ever laid eyes on them? And an “intoxicated” person isn’t always so easily identifiable. Sure some of them are sloppy drunks and it’s an easy call, but some of those drunks are professional and can have six drinks somewhere else and not even show it and as far we know they’re on cocktail number one. Finally, if Texas doesn’t want us to serve an “insane person,” I’d like to know how the hell we’re supposed to know what our customers mental history is. Half the people who sit in my section seem crazy as a bed bug, so am I supposed to stop serving all of them our just the people who present me their psychological history in a manilla folder that was provided by their psychiatrist?

To the families of the victims, I’m sorry for your loss.

To Lindsey Glass, I say good luck to you. I hope your only punishment for this are the memories you will have to live with.

To every server and bartender out there I say this: be careful when you serve liquor because one of those assholes you give a beer to might make a bad decision after they leave your restaurant and someone might want to blame you for it.

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How To Make Sure Your Server Hates You – Update

Last week, I wrote a blog post about the above image. It went fairly viral and after a few days, I was contacted by one of the women in the photo. She was not happy with me. The message basically said “our professor told us to do it” and “the waitress knew what was happening” and “we didn’t give permission to have our photo taken” and “people are being mean to us and calling us names” and “we demand you take down the post” and “blah blah blah.” Therefore, I am reposting this blog with a few revisions. Below, you will find the the original text with a few redactions (struck out) and additions (in red.)

To the two women in the photo: I’m sorry. There should have been more research before I posted the photo. I’m sorry some of the readers recognized you since you’re both minor celebrities at your school and then called you names. I didn’t mean to spread misinformation, but then again this blog isn’t CNN or NPR. It’s a blog written by a bitchy waiter. But, I’m sorry.

For most servers, it’s not difficult to look deep inside our bodies to find a pool of revulsion and disgust for our customers. Even the most friendly of servers have that well of dislike, it’s just easier for some of us to find it. For me, it’s like a year round swimming pool full of too much chlorine and loathing with no shallow end and a broken diving board. For others it’s more like a secret swimmin’ hole of slight empathy that one has to know where to look to find it. There are a lot of ways to make us dislike a customer, but the surest and most certain way I have ever seen to guarantee that response is to do what these two women did when they went out to eat at a restaurant that I hope no one will recognize. They placed a sign on the table that said “Your Tip So Far.”


No, no, no.

I have taken the liberty of placing black bars huge sad face emojis over the faces of these two women in order to protect their privacy. But let’s be honest: that black bar is thinner than a piece of deli meat, so if you know who they are, you’ll definitely recognize them. By doing so, I hope no one ever recognizes these two women and then calls them names on the Internet.

After this image was sent to me, I then heard that the sign was part of an experiment for a physiology class at a university I do not want to name so these women CANNOT be identified. Physiology is defined as the branch of biology that deals with the normal functions of living organisms and their parts. It sounds more like a psychology (the science that deals with mental processes and behavior) experiment, but I was told physiology, so we’ll go with that. Now, I’m not a fancy scientist or anything, but this experiment is obviously about learning how a server’s brain explodes at the sight of two college students who are messing with that server’s income. Or maybe it’s an experiment to see what one needs to do in order to have your food at a restaurant take longer than it should and how to make sure your water glass is never, ever filled. Whether it’s an experiment in physiology or psychology, what the actual fuck?

If this “Your Tip So far” sign was a noble experiment, it seems like they are using the server as a subject without the server’s consent. Again, I’m no expert, but that seems morally irresponsible. I do hope this photo gets shared plenty of times so we can conduct our own little experiment: by sharing the photo hundreds or even thousand of times, we can learn whether or not a professor at an unnamed university will own up to their mistake and admit this was a bad idea. If this behavior was not because of a professor and was, in fact, two young women simply being pains in the asses, then we can also see how long it takes for them to go into a restaurant again and actually treat their server with respect and dignity. But we shouldn’t have to worry about that because no one will ever know who these two women are.

Either way, you should definitely NOT share the hell out of this photo. (And you should also follow me on Instagram and Twitter.


14 Things That Will Happen in Every Mexican Restaurant on Cinco de Mayo

Cinco de Mayo is almost upon us and anyone who works in a Mexican restaurant is preparing themselves for one of the biggest shit shows of the year. May 5th is a commemoration of the victory of Mexico’s army over the French Empire at the Battle of Puebla, but most Americans think of it as Mexican Independence Day and a reason to get trashed on margaritas.

I asked Twitter to tell me a few things that would definitely, 100%, for sure  happen in every Mexican restaurant on that day and the people had answers: