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This Is What A Desperate Bitchy Waiter Does

Yes, I am begging you.

Yes, I am begging you.

Hey, remember when I did an episode of the Tell The Bartender podcast a few weeks ago and it was great fun?  I am just writing to let you know NPR is looking to feature podcast episodes, and it would be so helpful if you could nominate the episode I did. As you know, I am a desperate fame whore and it just so happens that Katharine, the podcaster, is too! Can you take a couple of minutes and help us out?  Just fill out this form here which isn’t spam, I promise!

WHERE IS THE LINK?
Here!

WHAT DOES NPR WANT?
This!

“What’s Your Favorite Podcast Episode?
NPR is working on ways to help people discover podcasts — and we need your
help. We’re looking for podcasts from public radio and beyond, and we’d
love for you to share some of your favorite episodes with us.”
BUT ALL EPISODES OF TELL THE BARTENDER ARE GREAT. HOW DO I FIND MY FAVORITE?
Duh, the one I was on. “Episode #54 Live With Norm Lewis and The Bitchy Waiter.

WHAT’S IN IT FOR ME?
My everlasting love!

Thank you very much.

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A Comment on Comments, Another “Get a Real Job” Edition

A Comment on Comments

A Comment on Comments

One would think that by now when someone leaves a negative comment on the blog or sends me a hateful email, I would be mature enough to let it roll off my back like water on a duck. Guess what: I’m not a duck. I am also extremely immature so when the following comment popped up on a blog post about automatic gratuity,  it rubbed me the wrong way. Please read it and then please allow me the opportunity to respond:

Fuckin Whiners says: You servers are a real piece of work. If the pay and work conditions are so bad. Get a real job that pays you what you feel your [sic] worth. If you choose not to or cant, too bad for you. I don’t feel you deserve any tips. what do you? Pick up a plate and take it to a table. Yeah skilled labor. When was the last time you tipped someone who really worked for a living. The local AAA tow driver makes less then minimum wage. Are you tipping that guy who risked his ass on the freeway cause your dumb ass was too drunk to put gas. Or how about the cable guy who has to crawl under your house through the pet cemetery, so you have TV. Probably not. Every time my wife and go out to dinner and she wants to leave a tip. I calculate how much she wanted to leave and I stop by a local liquor store a give it to a bum. Same shit, a begger [sic], but at least he/she doesn’t expect it from me. And I get my windows washed.

Okay, Fuckin Whiner, how do you get off on coming to a blog called The Bitchy Waiter and feel it’s alright to slight our profession? Your argument is as poor as your syntax and use of grammar, sir. I am so sick and tired of people using the “get a real job” card that it makes me want to throw up and for once, the urge to vomit has nothing to do with the margaritas the night before.

First of all, waiting tables is a real job. We go to work, we punch in, we perform tasks that are required by our employer, we earn money while we are there and with that money we pay real bills and we also pay real taxes. What part of that seems unreal to you? Our job is more real than this “wife” you speak off because I find it hard to believe that any woman would want to marry a cheap asshole like you. Let’s call your wife what she is: a blow up doll.

Secondly, you want to know when was the last time I tipped someone who worked for a living? The day before yesterday, that’s when. I had a furniture delivery (You see, I bought two new chairs with the money that I made at my real job) and I tipped the delivery guys. As for your example about the AAA tow truck driver who makes less than minimum wage, I’d like to know where you learned that kernel of “truth.” I can’t imagine that a tow truck driver makes less than minimum wage and if he is, he has a serious lawsuit on his hands. I would suggest that he starts waiting tables so he can make more money. Besides, I don’t consider driving down the freeway “risking his ass” for his job. He’s not a firefighter scrambling through flames on the roof of a burning four-story building, he’s a tow truck driver riding down on an Interstate Highway just like everyone else does who owns a car. Regarding this cable guy who you say crawls under your house through a pet cemetery, um.. what the fuck are you talking about? Who the fuck buries dead animals under their house except for crazy fucking nut jobs? Are you saying you have a pet cemetery under your house? That is some crazy Stephen King bullshit right there, man.

Thirdly, you say that your wife wants to leave a tip when you go out to eat but you won’t let her. How 1950’s of you. Does she wear an apron and have dinner cooked when you get home from the office? Do you give her an allowance each week so she can go to the market and buy groceries? Does she have reinforced seams so that when you have sex with her she doesn’t pop and if she does pop, do you have a warranty on her? There is no way in hell that what you say is true. Mostly, I find it hard to believe that you know how to calculate a tip unless you have an app for that. Let’s say your bill is $57 and you calculate that a decent tip would be $5.70 (we all know that you would be a 10% kind of dick). You’re telling us that you actually take that $5.70 and drive to a liquor store to find a beggar and then you give it to him if he washes your windows? Bitch, please. If you’re not going to leave a tip, you should save that money to upgrade your wife from blow up doll to one of those silicone Real Dolls and finally take your relationship to the next level.

Thank you for your comment, Fuckin Whiner. (By the way, I find it hilarious that you chose a screen name that you meant to insult us with, forgetting that it’s what you have decided to call yourself, dumb ass.) Your comments are always welcome here just as your wife will always be welcome in a recycling bin for paper or plastic.

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Super Waitress Does Not Stand for a Dine and Dash

Don't fuck with me.

Don’t fuck with me.

Another day, another dine and dash with a waitress trying to get her money. According to NBC Los Angeles, an Anaheim, California waitress/Wonder Woman named Maria Uriostegui had four losers in her section who decided they didn’t feel like paying their $45 bill so they up and left. Well, Maria wasn’t having that so she followed them to the car and tapped on the window asking if they were going to pay or not. The 24 year-old driver, Rowshaid Pellum, decided that rather than pull out a credit card and apologize for trying to skip out on his bill, it would be easier for him to just run her ass over so that’s what he did. Somehow, Maria was not seriously injured even though the tires rolled right over legs. She has some scratches and a bruised lung. There was some serious miracle shit going on in that parking lot that day and Martha, the Patron Saint of Servers was working overtime. Either that or Maria is some kind of superhero, because she got up and hobbled back into the restaurant where the police were called. The suspects’ car was spotted at a motel three blocks away and and they were all booked on charges of assault with a deadly weapon, conspiracy and defrauding an innkeeper. I guess they will think twice about not paying their check next time.

Hopefully Maria will think twice next time about chasing down dine and dashers. In hindsight, she said “I don’t think it was worth it. I have a 2-year old and a 12-year old.”

People: STOP CHASING AFTER DINE AND DASHERS. Get out there and write down the license plate number and then let the police finish their donuts and do their job. Just last week another restaurant employee jumped on the hood of a car in an effort to get their money. I can guarantee you will never see me jumping on a car unless it’s the Margarita-Mobile and they are giving out free samples. A lot of servers worry that if they have a walkout that the restaurant is going to make them pay for it, but that is against the law. If a restaurant makes you pay for someone else’s theft, call the labor board and complain about it.

Maria risked her life for a $45 bill and it wasn’t even her money. Maybe she wanted that 15% tip, but anyone who walks out on a bill wasn’t planning on tipping anyway. Even if you catch up to these losers and they decide to pay their check, you think they are going to cough up another seven or eight bucks for a tip? Doubtful.

If you have a walkout, do your best to get the license plate number but do not, under any circumstances, put yourself in harm’s way. The car they are in turns into a deadly weapon as soon as they put their foot on the gas pedal and see you in front of the grill. Unless you are like Maria and have super powers that allow cars to run right over you, you could be seriously hurt or maimed.

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$5000 Reward for (scummy, miserable, low-life) Dine and Dashers

theives

thieves

There is no scum of the earth that is scummier than people who go into a restaurant and then skip out on the bill. No ifs ands or buts about it: it’s stealing and it happens way too often. Sometimes, fair or unfair, legal or not, it’s the server who winds up having to pay for that stolen meal. Well, this is our chance to catch some of these asswipes and make them pay.

Two pieces of low-life trash went to eat dinner last month at the Coram Diner on Long Island. They breezed in, him wearing a douche hoodie and her wearing so much makeup that her face looked like it was about to collapse from the weight of it all, and ate $80 worth of diner food. When it came time for them to pay, they slip-slided out of their booth and went right to the car figuring that someone else would pay for their Spring Lamb Chops on Toast with Mint Jelly (19.95), Shrimp Parmigiana with Spaghetti 22.95), two Frozen Mudslides (7.95 each), Lemon Meringue Pie (3.95) and the Melon Fruit Jubilee with Cottage Cheese (7.95). Well, the restaurant was all, “No, tricks, fuck that shit,” and followed them out to their car, a dark-colored four door sedan. When they wouldn’t get out of the car, the employee climbed up on the hood to prevent them from leaving but these bitches drove off anyway, the employee clinging to the car. The employee eventually slid off and suffered some minor injuries.

Suffolk County Crime Stoppers is offering a $5,000 cash reward for information that leads to the arrest of these Long Island trash bags masquerading as human beings. If you know them, you can call 1-800-220-TIPS and report them anonymously and confidentially. That means even if it’s your own brother or sister, you can turn those bitches in, get your money and they will never know anything about it.

If you live on Long Island or the surrounding area, look at that picture. Do you recognize them? (He probably smells like Axe Body Spray and she probably smells like ass.) If you do, please call and report them. If we can reunite a little girl with her stuffed animal, we can catch these assholes.