10 Things That Can Ruin Your Day Before the Restaurant Even Opens

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  1. Seeing a customer knock on the door 15 minutes before you open. Or worse, forgetting to lock the front door and that customer just comes right in expecting to be served immediately.
  2. Realizing that the closers did a half-assed job on their sidework the night before.
  3. Getting an 86 list that’s longer than the menu.
  4. Finding out it’s one of these days: National Secretary Appreciation Day, National Teachers Appreciation Day or National Nurses Appreciation Day.
  5. Walking into work and discovering that every salt and pepper shaker needs to be refilled because they were all washed the night before.
  6. Setting up the patio only having it start to rain the second you are finished.
  7. Putting on your apron and finding out that a pen exploded it in it.
  8. Seeing that someone left the coffee pot on the burner with one inch of coffee in it and now it’s burnt to a crisp.
  9. Learning that all the mousetraps that were put out the night before were super successful.
  10. Slipping and falling onto the walk-in floor and then having to wear pants covered in whatever that crap was on the floor.

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This Is Why We Don’t Seat Incomplete Parties

BWWEach day, I am surprised at how ridiculous the complaints are on the Facebook pages of corporate restaurants. So many of the complaints are by people who don’t seem to understand the way restaurants run and I want to take this opportunity to explain something to a certain Mary Catherine.

MC is all butt hurt because she showed up to a Buffalo Wild Wings with a “bunch of friends” and wanted a table even though she wasn’t “sure exactly how many and who were coming.” Of course the restaurant didn’t want to seat her at a table for 15 people when it might have just been 7 people who showed up and Mary Catherine and her friends didn’t even know when or if anyone else was coming. Oh, and they had just been involved in a musical. Upset, her and her friends did a “step, kick, kick, leap, kick, touch…again” and left Buffalo Wild Wings to give their patronage to someone else. The manager was probably all, “Don’t cry for me, Mary Catherine. The truth is I never liked you…”

First off, you cannot expect a restaurant to keep seats empty for you on the off chance that everyone who might show up actually shows up. What if your friends are too engrossed in the original Broadcast cast recording of Wicked and can’t pull themselves away to join you at the restaurant? If that happens, your waiter is going to be belting out a rendition of “Empty Chairs at Empty Tables” from Les Mis because that’s what his fucking section will look like. Hey, big spender, spend a little time waiting by the host stand for your friends to get there and then you can have a table.

Mary Catherine also claims that they have often given BWW’s their business after a performance which may be why the staff finally decided to tell her they were unable to seat the incomplete party. The odds are pretty good that Mary Catherine and her group of musical theater loving friends are as annoying as a high school production of Cats. I can say that, because I used to be Mary Catherine. When I was but a young musical theater queen doing shows, after many a performance the whole cast and I would head over to Bennigan’s and take up way too many tables and we’d all split a plate of nachos, some fried mozzarella and a bunch of waters. I am certain that Mary Catherine is that table. They all sit there and recite the lyrics to Legally Blond and Into the Woods and talk about how much fun it was doing Shrek the Musical even though Mary Catherine thought she should have been cast as Princess Fiona but instead was cast as the Sugar Plum Fairy and the third understudy for Ugly Duckling.

There is a reason for not seating incomplete parties. Those seats are real estate and leaving them empty is not gonna help anyone pay their rent and since this is real life and not the musical Rent, waiters actually do have to pay for things. And if you ask for a table that seats 15 people and only 7 of you show up, that waiter ain’t making any money. Besides, a 15-top of people who just did a show is basically a Little Shop of Horrors and no one wants to deal with it.

Hopefully, where ever Mary Catherine and her gaggle of friends ended up, they had a wonderful time. My guess is that they went to Applebee’s or Chili’s and annoyed everyone there with their incessant attempt to rap the lyrics from Hamilton.

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night, Mary Catherine.

If Hillary Clinton Was Your Server

HillaryIn my continuing quest to make this blog more relevant and topical, I shall continue my series of blog posts that imagine what it would be like if each of our presidential candidates was your waiter. The other reason I am doing this is because I am scraping the bottom of the barrel.

You can read about Donald Trump here. And today we have Hillary Clinton.

My name is Hillary Clinton and I want to be your next server! Now, I know what you might be thinking: you’re thinking, “Hmmm, can a woman wait tables as good as a man? Does she have the experience do wait tables?” Well, I am here to tell you that I CAN wait tables and I WILL wait tables and I promise you that I will do everything I can to make this dining experience a great one for all involved, from Table 201 back there by the restroom all the way up to Booth 19 by the windows! I know this industry backward and forward, ever since my first job as a hostess when they called me the First Lady of the Podium! Now, listen, I want to take your order and I want to do it right, so if you will just give me one second to pull out my Blackberry so I can type everything into it and then I will email your order to my private email server. I will then ask my team if it is wise for me to open that email that I had just sent to myself and if they tell me it is alright, I will open that email and I will create a panel of experts to discuss your order and if we feel that your order is in everyone’s best interest, I will tell the kitchen to make your food! Because I care. And speaking of food, you might want to hear what I suggest. Well, listen, I like a lot of food on the menu and you know I love to take a sip of a good cold beer as long as there is a news crew nearby to snap a photo of me doing it. But my favorite thing we serve is the good ol’ American apple pie with vanilla ice cream!! Am I right? Or maybe it’s the nachos for my Latino voters or a bagel with a schmear for my Jewish customers . The point is, I can’t commit to a favorite item because everything is so good. I want to know what YOU like because whatever YOU like is what I like and together we will BOTH like it. If all else fails, you can order the waffles. I love waffles but I don’t want to upset anyone who does not like waffles so I will say that the waffles are good but only if you like them and  if you don’t like them they are horrible and I 100% agree with you. Now, I am going to go over to my other tables to shake their hands while you think about what you would like to order. If you need me, you just wave and I will pretend that I saw you and I might even wave back, but I probably won’t come over. Thank you for your time. Thank you for your attention. And God bless waffles. I mean, America!

Here is the Worst Christian in the World

tip16n-3-webSince it’s Sunday today and so many Christians are headed to church to remind everyone how pure, chaste and good they are, I thought it was a good time to write about what one Christian did to her gay waitress last week in crappy ol’ North Carolina. As you may know, North Carolina’s governor, Pat McCrory signed a bill last month that prevents cities in that crappy ol’ state from passing anti-discrimination provisions that would protect the rights of gay, lesbian and transgender people. Basically, it makes it alright to discriminate, so yeah for North Carolina for being so goddamn shitty.

Anyhoo, a waitress named Alexandra Judd was doing her job of serving brunch at Zada Jane’s Corner cafe when she got a credit card receipt that, instead of having a tip, had a “lev 20.13” and the words “praying for you.” Oh, and Alexandra is gay. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the Bible, Leviticus 20.13 states: “if a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.” Basically, this good, Christian woman stiffed her server and suggested that she should be put to death because of who she happens to love.

There are so many things wrong with this, the least of which is that the server was stiffed. Whether this woman, whose identity is unknown because Alexandra wisely crossed out the bigot’s name, cares for gay people or not is no reason to financially punish her waitress. And even though it’s been a while since I have been to church, I’m pretty sure that Jesus preached love and tolerance and all that, so who is this bitch to make the call on the way someone lives their life?

This woman obviously cherry picks verses in the bible to argue her point, but if she would have read just a few more pages of her precious bible, she would have found some other quotes that maybe she should pay the fuck attention to:

Leviticus 11:7 “And the swine, because it parts the hoof and is cloven-footed but does not chew the cud, is unclean to you. Of their flesh you shall not eat, and their carcasses you shall not touch; they are unclean to you.” I hope this bitch didn’t eat any fucking bacon with her omelette or she is going to be joining this gay waitress in the fiery depths of hell.

Leviticus 11:9: “Everything in the waters that has fins and scales, whether in the seas or in the rivers, you may eat. But anything in the rivers that has not fins and scales, of the swarming creatures in the waters and of the living creatures that are in the waters, is an abomination to you.” I hope this bitch didn’t eat a crab cake at brunch because if she did she done pissed off God.

Leviticus 19:19: “Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee.” I hope this bitch wasn’t wearing a cotton-poly blend top that she bought at Target last week.

Leviticus 19:18 “Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD.” This bitch needs to go back to Sunday school and read her Bible again, because she missed the whole point of it.

It’s great and all that she will be praying for Alexandra, but maybe she should be praying for herself because she she just let God know that she is the worst Christian in the world. And when she shows up at the Pearly gates, God’s gonna be all, “Yeah you might wanna look at Leviticus 19:18 again, lady. Buh bye.”

If Donald Trump Was Your Server

trumpSince all I see on my Facebook feed and TV these days are stories about our presidential election, I have decided to dip my toe into the political cesspool and imagine what each of the candidates would be like if they were a server. Today we shall begin with Donald Trump.

Hello, my name is Donald Trump and I will be your waiter tonight. Before I let you say anything, I want you to know how honored I am to be here. No, seriously, I love customers, I really do. And even though I see a woman at this table who is not that attractive, I am still going to serve her. I just ask that next time she tries a little harder when she comes in. I mean, would it kill you to put on a little make-up? Anyway, I wanna let you know what our specials are tonight. First off, the portions are huuuuuge, I mean, they really are spectacular We have a pan-seared bald eagle breast served with Yukon gold potatoes. Now, the potatoes aren’t really gold. I guess someone just called them that once, but I know gold, and these are not golden potatoes. If you want some solid gold potatoes you’ll have to visit one of my hotels in Las Vegas. They’re absolutely stunning, really. The special also comes with a side of English peas, because this is America and everyone speaks English, even the peas. We are a little bit short staffed tonight because our dishwasher didn’t show up to his shift after he had some trouble scaling the wall I had built last week. It’s fine, he was just a Mexican who was stealing jobs from Americans, but as of now, we have not been able to find anyone who will take his low-paying job with horrible hours. What are you gonna do? We are also short two bussers, Aamir and Ibrahim, because I shipped them back to their own country even though they were both born here in the United States. They were great busboys, really great, but they seemed a little bit shifty to me so they’re outta here. Now I do want to tell you that I am very qualified to be your waiter. True, I have never waited tables before nor have I wanted to do it before a few months ago. In fact, I have never really paid that much attention to the people who bring me my food. But I have eaten in restaurants and I own a few so that makes me the best waiter anyone will ever see ever in the history of time. I will carry out so many plates of food, you won’t believe it. I’m gonna bring out so so many plates that people are gonna say, “Donald, it’s too many plates.” And by the way, I don’t use trays because my hands are so massive that I don’t need trays. I do wanna tell you one other thing. If you order the pasta, I will not be serving the parmesan. I want you to do it yourself, because it’s time we make America grate again. Okay, I love you. Thank you. And good night. You can Tweet me your order when you’re ready.

A Comment on Comments; the “No One Cares About You” Edition

A Comment on Comments

A Comment on Comments

About seven months ago, I wrote a blog post called “7 Obnoxious Things Servers Should Stop Doing According to Some Basic Bitch.” Seven months in blog time is like a dozen years ago, but someone just arrived all tardy to the party and left a comment about it. It seems they don’t agree with what I wrote and since I don’t agree with what they wrote, I choose to respond to it. This someone goes by the name of Evil_Sadist and based on their screen name, he thinks he’s a real bad ass but in reality he is probably reading my blog in his mom’s basement as he eats a sandwich she made for him and he’s pissed off at her because she left the crusts on.

Evil_Sadist made his own list of 7 things and I think I want to go over them one by one:

1. No one cares about your sad stories, everyone has a sad story.
You’re right, Evil_Sadist, everyone does have a sad story, including you. The difference is this: some people do care about my sad stories which is why this blog exists, why the Facebook page gains about 2,000 new followers each week and why a publishing company let me write a book about it. (You can buy it here, Evil_Sadist) That book has already gone into its second printing, six days after its release, so, some people do care about my stories. On the other hand, no one cares about your sad stories including that one that happened in eighth grade when your principal caught you in the restroom measuring your penis with the measuring tape you stole from home ec class. So embarrassing, right?

2. If you’ve been working as a server for 10 years and haven’t been promoted to manager yet, you’re doing something wrong.
There are plenty of people who wait tables who have no desire to “move up” to manager. The hours are longer, you get no respect and you don’t make enough money for all the shit you have to deal with, including asshole customers like you. I say that someone who has been waiting tables for 10 years and has not been “promoted” to manager is doing it absolutely fucking right.

3. Servers are at the bottom of the profit pyramid and their wage reflects it.
I don’t really care about the profit pyramid as long as I can make enough money to pay my bills and still have money left over to live life. We all know that a soda has about a 1000% mark up, which is great for the profit margin of the restaurant, but I still make my money. And speaking of bottoms, I hear you’re real popular. 

4. A tip is a gift, not a requirement. Look it up.
I don’t need to look it up, asshole. We all know that a gratuity is not a requirement, which is why good servers do everything they can to earn their tip. Maybe the literal definition of tip is “a gift,” but in our country it’s an expectation as long as service is good. We all know that you don’t tip, Evil_sadist. Ask your mom for an increase in your allowance.

5. “But I have 10 kids to feed and I’m a single mother/father.” Not our fault, you should have kept your legs closed.
Agreed. Any server who plays the pity card to try to get better tips is not a good server.

6. “I worked my fingers to the bone, you’ve never been a server so you wouldn’t know.”
I’ve worked as a server and it sucked, but instead of complaining about it, I used the right head and got the hell out of there and bettered myself. Not my fault you’re too stupid to evolve from that job.
Again, servers do not have to “evolve” to another job. We are not a group of goddam caterpillars waiting for our moment to become Monarch butterflies. Some of us keep this job because it works for us and if you don’t see that, then you need to evolve into a person who isn’t an asshole.

7. “But I love working with people.”You’re a horrible liar. If you loved people, you wouldn’t be complaining about tips.
People suck and you know it. I never said I love people. I tolerate people, just like everyone else does. Honestly, people are assholes and you just proved it, Evil_Sadist. Now, go the fuck away.