Yet Another Yelp Reviewer Gets Skewered By Restaurant Owner

2016 continues to be the year that restaurant owners are making Yelp their bitch. It’s almost like owners across the country have collectively agreed to stand up to the Yelpers and make sure that other people know when a review is unjustified. Such is the case with a restaurant called Milestone in El Dorado, California when a woman named Gretchen V. sharted up a review on Yelp about what she perceived to be a less-than-ideal dinner experience. Gretchen V. was so displeased with her Steak Diane that she lost all ability to form correct sentences and forgot what punctuation is, because reading parts of her review is like trying to decipher hieroglyphics with the Rosetta Stone. Screen Shot 2016-01-27 at 5.52.09 PMThe first time she got her panties in a twist (like she wears ‘em) was when her entree came out before she finished her salad. The horror! Even though the manager offered to keep the plates warm in the kitchen Gretchen V. refused and then when she thought the steak was only lukewarm and they offered to remake the dinner, she refused again. We all know why she refused: because then she wouldn’t have anything to complain about. Gretchen V. also complained that her waitress never came back to check on her and was still unsatisfied even when the entrees were taken off the bill.

Enter Nick D., the business owner who is going to explain to Gretchen V. what is wrong with her review. “Your service will, more often than not, be a reflection of your own attitude and energy,” he tells her and the she just doesn’t “get it.” He also tells her that after it was clear that Gretchen was never going to be satisfied (“Tell me about it,” says Gretchen’s husband), the waitress (and everyone else) was told to simply ignore the table and use the positive attention on people in the restaurant who were happy to be there. Screen Shot 2016-01-27 at 5.52.32 PMI kinda love that he instructed all the service staff to avoid her table which was probably pretty easy to do, what with the overwhelming stench of vinegar that was probably emanating from her every orifice. He also straight out tells her she is “not at all kind” which, in my experience may or may not be corporate speak for “you are a miserable person.” Finally, he tells her that, although she would be willing to come back to try the burger or the fried chicken, to not bother.

Bravo, Nick D., bravo. Why shouldn’t business owners defend their online reputation? Milestone has great reviews on Yelp and he wants anyone who sees her shitty two-star review to understand that the problem was with her and not the restaurant. If this is the new trend for Yelp, I am all for it. Here is Milestone’s Facebook page in case you want to pop over and say hello. I’m sure they’d love to hear from you.

As for Gretchen V., I suggest she saves her complaints for big corporate restaurant chains who are more than willing to jump through hoops and bend over backwards in effort to please a bitch. If she complains on the right Facebook page, maybe she’ll even get a coupon for a free dessert from Applebee’s.

9 Signs That You’re the Kind of Server Customers Find Annoying AF


  1. You crouch down beside the table when you take the order. 1
  2. When someone has cleaned their plate you say something goofy like, “Gosh, we won’t even have to send that one through the dishwasher.”2
  3. You sign your checks with a smiley face, flowers, a rainbow or any other kind of cute little drawing.3
  4. When your customer asks you to take their picture, you secretly take a selfie. 4
  5. You say “Are you still working on that?” when you want to know if they are finished eating or not. 5
  6. You refill their iced tea or coffee before they need it, therefore ruining the perfect balance of their sweetener.6
  7. You interject your opinion into their conversation that you are 100% not a part of. 7
  8. You use the word “madame.” 8
  9. You hover at the table and ask how everything is every three minutes when you know perfectly well everything is fine but you think that by asking them often it will make them think you’re attentive when really it annoys the fuck out of them and it makes them hate your ass face.8Also, you can preorder my book by clicking here.

Over 35 and Still Waiting Tables? Cosmo Doesn’t Like That

I cannot be certain, but I think Cosmo magazine just insulted people who wait tables over the age of 35. In an article called “15 People Share the Most Important Lesson They Would Tell Their Twentysomething Selves,” one valuable piece of advice is this:

Don’t be a waiter forever, maybe? Restaurant work is for the birds. It will kill your social life, family life, and destroy your body. Find a job that doesn’t involve so much sacrifice for such shit wages. Although, I would argue that my waitressing experience taught me a lot about perseverance, hard work, and how to treat other humans with respect, so you know.

Fuck you, Cosmo. (The magazine, not the drink.)

Granted, that piece of advice supposedly came from someone who was giving her younger self some pearls of wisdom, but what’s wrong with waiting tables forever, Cosmo? Are you trying to make those of us who are still waiting tables in our 40’s, 50’s and 60’s feel like worthless humans? I know, I know, Cosmo didn’t specifically write that tip and it came from a reader, but by publishing it, isn’t Cosmo standing behind the idea that waiting tables after a certain age is something to be ashamed of? Laura Beck, who curated the list, you can do better!

When did waiting tables kill my social and family lives? As far as I can tell, I have quite the healthy social life and the only reason my relationship with my family is less than ideal is because most of them live 1500 miles ways. That isn’t my job’s fault. And waiting tables doesn’t necessarily destroy your body either. In my opinion, it keeps me moving and in the words of Sally O’Malley, “I’m 50! And I like to kick. Stretch. And kick.” (Okay, I’m 16 months away from being 50, but my body is nowhere close to being destroyed.)


The only way my body will be destroyed by waiting tables is from grazing too many french fries and sneaking too many cocktails. Besides, would Cosmo rather I sit at a desk all day until I experience sever muscle atrophy and get carpal tunnel syndrome?

Cosmo does offer some good advice in their list. No one will argue that staying in school is a bad idea or that you shouldn’t start saving your money. I just take issue with the fact that an older version of someone is telling their younger self to quit waiting tables as if it’s the worst thing that could happen in one’s life. Lots of people over the age of 35 choose to wait tables for a variety of reasons:

  • The hours are flexible and it allows you to be home when your kids get home from school.
  • You don’t have to take your work home with you.
  • The money is usually better than working in a retail environment.
  • If you need time off, you just get someone to cover your shift.

Maybe Cosmo could have added one more piece of advice from me:

Learn to enjoy what is happening in the moment and don’t get caught up in how others perceive success. If you are still waiting tables when you’re 48 years old or older, it must mean that there is something about it that works for you. Accept it, embrace it and be happy with your life.

Like this blog? Then I ask you to preorder my book that is coming out in April. Click here.

It’s Not My Job to Charge Your Phone

iphone-battery-deadDear Customer,

I don’t care about your technology issues. They do not affect me. Please do not ask me if we have an electrical outlet somewhere that you can charge your phone, because this is a restaurant and not an iPhone charging center. Why would you expect me to carry your phone to the side stand for you and charge it just so you can be sure to have enough battery left when you leave to check your Tinder? No, we don’t have any outlets “right here.” They are away from you and if I take your phone and plug it in and it’s somewhere you can’t see it, who is responsible when water is spilled on it or it is stolen? Me. I get that you really want to have enough power to snap a flash photo of your calamari so you can send it to Instagram and Yelp, but it really isn’t my problem. The same thing goes for your iPad. And no, I don’t have “an extra charger” either. If you ask me to charge your phone, I will say no. I will make up some story about how our manager won’t allow us to do it.  If I see some random phone that is being charged in the side stand and I find out that it belongs to a customer, I am going to take that phone and give it to the dishwasher and ask him to go take another picture of his junk. It will be a nice surprise for you when you look at your gallery later: Juan’s big uncut burrito. Mucho grande, no?

Do not ask your server to charge your phone. 

Also, I don’t know why you don’t have a signal in my station. Maybe I would care a little bit more about a signal if I was allowed to have my phone with me while on the floor, but I am not so I don’t give a flying T-Mobile fuck about how many bars you have or don’t have. Put the goddamn phone in your pocket for thirty minutes and why don’t you try to have a real connection with someone for a change, like maybe with the person you came to eat with. Facebook will not dry up and blow away if you don’t check-in and no, we don’t give any discounts because you are the mayor on Foursquare. I don’t know what that means. Stop asking.

For those of you who do have enough battery to take pictures, enough already. At least let me put the goddamn plate down before you start doing a photo shoot of your penne pasta. None of your friends on Facebook are sitting at home waiting to see what you had for dinner. Trust me, they don’t care.

In conclusion, let me reiterate that no server wants to take your phone and charge it for you. It is annoying to us and not our responsibility. No amount of “pretty please” is going to make me want to carry your $200 toy away from your table and babysit it for the next half-hour. Do not try to convince me. And remember: if you do find a server to do it, you might just end up with some questionable photos of a very large Latino penis. Actually, maybe for some of you it’s worth a shot just to get your own private photos of a burrito dick.

The Bitchy Waiter

Another 1-Star Yelp Reviewer Gets Her Ass Handed on a Platter

When can we officially call something a trend? When it keeps happening over and over again and people are still enjoying it? I suppose so and that seems to be the case with restaurant owners standing up against their own bad Yelp reviews. It happened again, this time at Iron Horse (here is their Facebook page) here in NYC, a noted dive/biker bar known for rowdy female bartenders and cheap beer. (Obvs, I’ve never been there.) But a woman named Megan B. popped in during a trip for Canada and she absolutely hated it:

“Wouldn’t recommend this to eat or for a quiet drink. I met some friends here at 3pm in the afternoon and the music was so loud we couldn’t hear each other. The service was terrible just to get a drink at the bar. The food was also terrible.”

Poor, poor Canadian Megan B. Perhaps she was looking for Molson Golden or some Moose Nachos and when it wasn’t on the menu it really bummed her out, eh? But guess what, Megan B. You’re not in Canada anymore. You’re in New York City and this is what it’s a-boot.

The owner of the bar decided that the bar needed to be defended so a response was crafted that called her out. He even looked up her previous reviews and discerned that Megan B. typically reviews places that are nothing like Iron Horse and he called her out on it:

“It seems you like quiet coffee shops and fancy food, none of which we have ever advertised to provide. Please note our Yelp description even says:

Ambience: Divey
Noise Level: Loud”

He goes on to give her one star as a customer and advises that she “align your expectations with the type of establishment you are visiting, and do more research before you decide on a place that will work for your personal preferences.”

Basically, he then just dropped the mic and walked away and Megan B. has since deleted the review. (God bless screen shots.)

Screen Shot 2016-01-20 at 10.35.06 AM


It appears, that after years of Yelpers feeling like they have all the power, restaurant owners are realizing that they can take the power back and make Yelp work for them. I look forward to the next epic take down.

I leave you with the most wonderful Yelp video in the history of time, compliments of South Park. (And if you want a chance to win a free copy of my book, click here, cheap bitches.)

How to Get Something (My Book) for Free!

BW_coverEverybody wants something for free, right? Of course we do. If you need proof, just hop on over to the Olive Garden Facebook page and look at how many people are complaining about the tiniest things in the hope of getting a free breadstick. Well, I am here to alert you to something you can get totally for free and it’s not a lemon wedge, an iced tea refill or an STD.

As you may or may not know, my book is coming out in a couple of months. (“We know. It’s all you fucking talk about,” says everyone who knows me.) It’s going to cost about $12 which is about the price of a couple of drinks if you live in a normal city or it’s the price of a teeny tine martini if you live in New York City. Since I agree with you that the $12 should be spent on alcohol before books, here is a contest for you to win a copy of my book for free. Actually, 25 copies of the book will be given out because my publisher is probably already trying to figure out what they are going to do with all of the extras when no one buys them. (Insert sad face emoji here.)

You can click this link to enter to win The Bitchy Waiter Book. I hope you will buy it but if you’re a total cheap ass like I am, then I hope you will try to win it. The more people who enter, the more likely it is that the publisher won’t regret their decision to call me an author.

Thanks, every one. Click here to enter!