How To Make Sure Your Server Hates You – Update

Last week, I wrote a blog post about the above image. It went fairly viral and after a few days, I was contacted by one of the women in the photo. She was not happy with me. The message basically said “our professor told us to do it” and “the waitress knew what was happening” and “we didn’t give permission to have our photo taken” and “people are being mean to us and calling us names” and “we demand you take down the post” and “blah blah blah.” Therefore, I am reposting this blog with a few revisions. Below, you will find the the original text with a few redactions (struck out) and additions (in red.)

To the two women in the photo: I’m sorry. There should have been more research before I posted the photo. I’m sorry some of the readers recognized you since you’re both minor celebrities at your school and then called you names. I didn’t mean to spread misinformation, but then again this blog isn’t CNN or NPR. It’s a blog written by a bitchy waiter. But, I’m sorry.

For most servers, it’s not difficult to look deep inside our bodies to find a pool of revulsion and disgust for our customers. Even the most friendly of servers have that well of dislike, it’s just easier for some of us to find it. For me, it’s like a year round swimming pool full of too much chlorine and loathing with no shallow end and a broken diving board. For others it’s more like a secret swimmin’ hole of slight empathy that one has to know where to look to find it. There are a lot of ways to make us dislike a customer, but the surest and most certain way I have ever seen to guarantee that response is to do what these two women did when they went out to eat at a restaurant that I hope no one will recognize. They placed a sign on the table that said “Your Tip So Far.”


No, no, no.

I have taken the liberty of placing black bars huge sad face emojis over the faces of these two women in order to protect their privacy. But let’s be honest: that black bar is thinner than a piece of deli meat, so if you know who they are, you’ll definitely recognize them. By doing so, I hope no one ever recognizes these two women and then calls them names on the Internet.

After this image was sent to me, I then heard that the sign was part of an experiment for a physiology class at a university I do not want to name so these women CANNOT be identified. Physiology is defined as the branch of biology that deals with the normal functions of living organisms and their parts. It sounds more like a psychology (the science that deals with mental processes and behavior) experiment, but I was told physiology, so we’ll go with that. Now, I’m not a fancy scientist or anything, but this experiment is obviously about learning how a server’s brain explodes at the sight of two college students who are messing with that server’s income. Or maybe it’s an experiment to see what one needs to do in order to have your food at a restaurant take longer than it should and how to make sure your water glass is never, ever filled. Whether it’s an experiment in physiology or psychology, what the actual fuck?

If this “Your Tip So far” sign was a noble experiment, it seems like they are using the server as a subject without the server’s consent. Again, I’m no expert, but that seems morally irresponsible. I do hope this photo gets shared plenty of times so we can conduct our own little experiment: by sharing the photo hundreds or even thousand of times, we can learn whether or not a professor at an unnamed university will own up to their mistake and admit this was a bad idea. If this behavior was not because of a professor and was, in fact, two young women simply being pains in the asses, then we can also see how long it takes for them to go into a restaurant again and actually treat their server with respect and dignity. But we shouldn’t have to worry about that because no one will ever know who these two women are.

Either way, you should definitely NOT share the hell out of this photo. (And you should also follow me on Instagram and Twitter.


14 Things That Will Happen in Every Mexican Restaurant on Cinco de Mayo

Cinco de Mayo is almost upon us and anyone who works in a Mexican restaurant is preparing themselves for one of the biggest shit shows of the year. May 5th is a commemoration of the victory of Mexico’s army over the French Empire at the Battle of Puebla, but most Americans think of it as Mexican Independence Day and a reason to get trashed on margaritas.

I asked Twitter to tell me a few things that would definitely, 100%, for sure  happen in every Mexican restaurant on that day and the people had answers:

If You Need to Write a Note Like This To Your Server, Stay at Home

We in the food and beverage industry have an inherent desire to please our customers. Some of us are eager to satisfy the needs of our customers because it fills our soul with joy and contentment knowing that we have contributed to a dining experience that has made someone else happy. Others of us do it because our fucking tip depends on it and if Connie isn’t happy with our service we know she’ll hold onto that 20% gratuity like it’s the last glass of Chardonnay at meet and greet for single moms over the age of 40. In other words, you will never be able to pry a decent tip from her cold, dead, overly-manicured hands.

I am always puzzled when someone goes to a restaurant and then feels the need to write out what they want since it’s so different than what’s offered on the menu. I mean, if the menu is so far off from what you want to eat, why the fuck are you there? Case in point, is this order for three Ranchero tacos that seem unlike what a Ranchero taco is meant to be:

“No meat, no pico, no jalapeño aioli, so cilantro and no queso fresco.” So far, this order of Ranchero tacos sounds like a plain old plate of empty ass taco shells. But then, the author of the note (probably someone like the aforementioned Connie) asks that the shells be filled with black beans, rice, avocado (a lot, please!), tomatoes, a small amount of lettuce, cheese, and Ranch dressing.

Okay, first off, queso fresco is fucking cheese, Connie. It literally means “fresh cheese,” so do you or don’t you want to have cheese on your taco? You can’t ask them to hold the queso and then have them add cheese instead. That’s like saying you don’t want a margarita but instead you’ll have tequila, lime juice, triple sec, and agave shaken over ice and poured into glass with a salted rim. Same thing, lady.

Secondly, if you want extra avocado, you have to order extra avocado. We aren’t going to give it to you for free just because you said please in your stupid little note and added and exclamation point. Avocados are literally worth their weight in gold these days. Last week, I paid $3.00 for one fucking organic avocado at Whole Foods, so if you want extra, expect to pay for it. You also specified you only want a small amount of lettuce, but leaving off a tablespoon of shredded iceberg lettuce doesn’t give you the key to unlimited, all-you-can-eat avocados.

Thirdly, it’s spelled A-V-O-C-A-D-O.

Fourth, if the menu at the restaurant you have chosen to go to is so wildly inappropriate for what you eat, don’t go there. I’m sure there’s a place that can cater to your needs and will be happy to serve you all the iceberg lettuce and avocados that you want.

Fifth, why is there an apostrophe in the word tacos? Are you trying to show that the tacos have possession over something? The only thing the tacos own is their shame for no longer being allowed to embrace their own Ranchero identity. Or maybe the taco is about to do something. Like the taco *is* about to jump off the plate because it finds the author of the note so completely tiresome.

Finally, who the fuck puts Ranch dressing on a taco? And if you’re eating at a Mexican restaurant that has Ranch dressing anywhere in the kitchen, you should immediately leave the restaurant or prepare yourself for a major side of disappointment.

Stop with the notes, people.

Man’s Heart is Broken Over Loss of Olive Garden Dish

In today’s crazy world, there are plenty of reasons to be sad. Your sadness may derive from the knowledge that the polar ice caps are slowly melting and therefore changing the coastlines around the world or perhaps that innate sorrow stems from the great divide in our country as we struggle to find some sort of commonality in our individual ideals for society. But if you’re a guy named Monty, your sadness is coming from Olive Garden and the fact that they replaced Steak Gorgonzola.

I always believed that one person’s emotions were no more important than another person’s emotions, but thanks to Monty I no longer accept that. Monty has shown me that there are some levels of sadness that are simply more important than others. I mean, Steak Gorgonzola no longer being offered at Olive Garden? Yeah, that’s a grief unknown to most of us and we all need to band together to send Monty our love. Sure, Olive Garden offers a Braised Beef Gorgonzola-Alfredo, but it’s just not the same. We cannot expect Monty to let braised beef into his heart like he did with the steak. What if he falls in love with that dish only to have the culinary team at Olive Garden suddenly decide it’s no longer a viable option and rip it from the menu? Taking an item off the menu is easy, but taking it away from Monty’s heart is just plain cruel.

During Monty’s time of need, I ask that you all send him heartfelt prayers. If you were planning on praying for the victims of the flooding in Missouri or for those suffering in war torn countries on the other side of the world, please put those prayers on the back burner and focus on Monty instead, because this is serious.

And to you Monty, I offer this: I will do everything in my power to get that Steak Gorgonzola back on the menu so that your heart can mend. You may think it will never, ever be the same again, but maybe, just maybe, there is a God who will see your suffering and make things right for you. On your behalf, I have started a petition to get your beloved Steak Gorgonzola back on the Olive Garden menu and if enough of us sign it, maybe someday your heart can be whole again. Prayers to you, Monty. And all of my love.



Bitchy Waiter + Guy Fieri = a Match Made in Heaven!

Over the years, I have poked fun at a lot of people, including myself. Vey rarely has it come back to bite me in the ass because most people are able to take a joke. One of my frequent targets has always been Food Network personality Guy Fieri. All the way back in June of 2012, I called him a douchebag. In April of 2014, I wrote about his new Times Square restaurant and totally trashed his menu even though I’d never eaten there. In June of 2016 I wrote a post about Anthony Bourdain and some of his amazing quotes, one which was about his dislike for Guy’s cooking. In January of 2017, I mentioned that eating at Guy’s restaurant was like wrestling an alligator. Yes, I have been a total asshole to Guy Fieri.

You would think after years of trashing a person like that, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. Well, you would be mistaken.

Guy Fieri has a restaurant on the Atlantic City Boardwalk called Guy Fieri’s Chophouse. It serves up lots of burgers and meat with very few vegetables and almost everything comes with cheese on it. Of course, it’s right up my digestive alley. Guy has been wanting to do a reality show based on one of his restaurants and that’s where I come in! They needed someone to work at the restaurant and be a sort of co-host on the show. They were looking for a server with tons of experience (check!), someone who had a large social media following (check!), someone with an acting background (check!), and someone who had the utmost respect for Guy Fieri and his food (three out of four ain’t bad.)

My agent submitted me for the role about three months ago and it has been a long time coming, but I finally got the call. Yes, I will still be working in a restaurant, but I will also be introducing segments and problem solving for servers on the floor as well as interacting with guests. It will air on Food Network in late 2019 and we have a 12-episode deal. There is no official name for the show yet and it’s just called “Untitled Guy Fieri Project.” Personally, I like “Bitchy Waiter Takeover,” but they aren’t so keen on it. Yet.

Before I took the job, I questioned my agent about the alleged homophobic remarks that one of his producers said Guy made while shooting “Diners Drive-Ins and Dives.” The next time I met Guy in person, he brought up the subject himself. He assured me that the producer who made those claims was a bitter ex-employee who had an axe to grind. Guy told me about his sister Morgan who was gay and died several years earlier. He even showed me the tattoo he has on his arm that he got in her honor. I choose to believe him. Also, the paycheck is good. Like, really good, you guys.

We will begin shooting within the next four to six weeks, but we already have a promo ready to go. If you want to see me and Guy Fieri together talking about our new show (I can’t believe I just said “our new show”), you can click here!

Thank you all so much. I owe this to you!

I Just Found the Stupidest Customer Request EVER

We in the restaurant business are used to ridiculous requests from customers:

“Can I sit on the patio? But I don’t want there to be any sunlight, wind, or bugs.”

“I’d like my burger to be cooked very well done, but still be super juicy.”

“Can you make my drink extra strong but not large me extra?”

No matter how stupid the request is, we can always be certain that an even more stupid request will soon follow. Case in point is this reservation request from Andy who has challenged everyone to top this sheer idiocy of his online reservation:

I caught fresh fish at lake Pleasant. I want the chef to prepare them for my day entree. Should I bring them in live to show the chef the freshness? Will there be a plate charge or will my entree be free since I am supplying own ingredients? Please call Andy.

Good lord, the stupid is strong on this one. Since we do not know how the restaurant responded to Andy’s request, I have decided to respond on their behalf:

Dear Andy,

First off, happy birthday! How wonderful that you were able to catch some fish at Lake Pleasant and we appreciate you wanting to spend your special day with us. However, go fuck yourself. Here in our restaurant, we have something called a menu that allows you to choose exactly what you want to eat. The chef has spent a great deal of time creating this menu and she has no interest in cooking up some sad ass piece of trout that you dragged into your rowboat one sunny afternoon. There is no need to bring the fish in to prove how fresh it is because no one here gives a fuck about it. Even if we did agree to cook your fish for you, which we will not do because that’s just fucking stupid and arrogant to even assume that we would, we still cannot get over the fact that you think it would be free since you are supplying your own ingredients. Andy, unless you were planning on also bringing in some olive oil, herbs, spices, lemon and whatever the fuck side dishes you had in mind for your fish, you are hardly supplying your own ingredients. This is not like bringing in your own bottle of wine and having to pay a corkage fee, asshole. And did you think the chef was going to take time out of a busy night so that your fish can be be cleaned and scaled and filleted? No, bitch, that’s not how restaurants work. There are some restaurants that might do this for you, but surely those restaurants would advertise such a service. Not us, though. Take your fish home and cook it yourself. If you truly want to spend your birthday in our restaurant, then take a look at our menu and see what it is you want. It’s one or the other, Andy. Happy birthday and go fuck yourself.


The Restaurant

Some customer demands never fail to amaze me, but this one takes the cake. (And just because it’s your birthday doesn’t mean the cake is free.)

By the way, if you’re looking for the BEST social media app that is JUST for restaurant staff, please download the StaffVibe app.