In what world are people living where they think that extra food does not cost extra money? Sure, if you ask for extra napkins, they will be free. More ketchup? Absolutely, no problem. But please don’t order a cheeseburger with bacon and then make a big fucking deal that there is an extra charge on your bill of a dollar. It says it right there on the menu: “add bacon for a buck!” There is no swine tree in the kitchen where slices of delicious crispy bacon hang from the boughs like ripe apples. Believe me, I wish there was, because I would sleep under it and let the bacon fat drip from the branches and I would use it for moisturizer. I would wake up under slabs of bacon that fell over night. Raking bacon leaves would be my favorite piece of sidework. And in the spring time, when little tiny buds of bacon bits began popping forth from a sleepy winter, I would sit there and marvel at them while holding a baked potato hoping they would fall off into the pool of butter, sour cream and cheese. But there isn’t, Blanche. There is no swine tree, so we have to buy bacon and then, in turn, you pay for it when you say, “Oh, and can I get bacon on that?”
Your server is going to assume that you either read the part of the menu that says it’s extra or that you inherently know that bacon is not free. When your check comes and you spy that additional dollar charge, there is no use complaining about it because all the server will do is grab a menu, point to the line that says it costs extra and then walk the fuck away from you. And yes, you need to tip on the dollar so reach into your pocket and prepare to leave twenty more cents.
Bacon is not free. It has never been free. It will never be free. Until you go to the Home Depot gardening center and see a special on Swine Trees, please be ready to pay for bacon And if you do see a Swine Tree at Home Depot, alert me immediately so I can plant one in a giant terra cotta pot on my fire escape and live happily ever after.